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Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

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News_Junkie

Identifying as ace/gray, how successful are you with the ladies and how positive are your experiences? I am so sick and tired of all the negativity from within (LGBT circles) and so I must admit that I think not twice but thrice before I show interest in someone.

I did check out the lesbian student org when I was a freshmen in college. I was totally turned off by it. I want to stress here that this is one experience I had with a handful of people and is in no way meant to generalize the LGBT scene everywhere. But here's my experience:

You know the stereotype that lesbians who hang out together have all dated/banged each other? That held true here. Or at least it appeared to. It was very clique-y. Very sex-obsessed. I get that being frank and uprfont about gay and lesbian sex is a very important in LGBT politics, but it was not what I was looking for in a community. I eventually moved on to a feminist organization where I was able to make a lot of fantastic friends. I think the main problem with the lesbian group was that people were coming there to hook up and find people to date whereas I just wanted to meet people with similar interests to mine and make friends.

I don't have a ton of experience in the dating scene. I did date one woman, and we tried fooling around onI think the 3rd date. It just wasn't happening for me. I used to think I just wasn't ready for sex, but now I think it had more to do with the fact that I just wasn't that into her. We broke it off amicably soon after that.

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jimerman

i am a guy so i cant be a lesbian, but i found that i was asexual and then after that i found that i would rather be in a gay relationship than a hetero one.

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Jpenguin

Newbie here!

I realised I was a lesbian from a very early age.. But more recently (in the last year), realised I'm a grey A. So.. I guess I can call myself romantic homosexual. It's tough trying to find anyone I can connect with though as once I get to know a girl she wants sex straight away.. And I don't want it at all! I am expecting not to find another gf, without sounding too emo! I'm not one to jump into a relationship unless it's perfect and there doesn't seem to be any grey A lesbians around here (Dublin, Ireland).

Saying that, I'm glad I've found this space!

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Kat1234

How do you tell if you are gay or straight or bi? I've known for awhile I'm asexual. I've always had crushes on boys but recently I've had a crush on my friend who's a girl. Idk what that means.

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yellow

Kat1234, if you find out the answer, please let me know. I've known I was asexual for a looong time, but I have never been able to reconcile in my mind if I'm homoromantic or heteroromantic. And now I wonder if I'm aromantic :) I find all this talk of attraction and what not to be exhausting. I suppose I'll be okay if I never figure it out, but I felt like once I reached a certain age (40's) it would all be clear, yet here I am just as befuddled as I was when I was 16. Sigh.

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Cimmerian

Well, a lot of the attraction discussions didn't make sense to me so I found a label based on who I had crushes on or who I imagined being romantic with (since they were rare circumstances I figured it was a reliable measure).

Although I still wonder if I'm aromantic at times since I am rarely interested in someone, but I stick with biromantic.

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DigitalBookDust

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I gladly and openly am lesbian, dyke, and queer. I am just now discovering the asexual community and having a second "a-ha" time.
How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I found out first that I was interested in girls at a very young age and was never interested in boys. In grad school, however, I met a mensch with whom I was compatible on many other levels and we ended up married for companionate reasons. We had a good marriage (with little sex) for a long time, but I left him for a woman. I've had three long-term relationships with women. I've alway found sex, though, to be vastly over-rated and always would have preferred cake or a good book. Now I know why!
Are you yet not sure?

No, I'm pretty sure. By this age (53), I know myself well enough to say that I'm not repressed or suffering from shame or inexperience. I simply don't care for sex and am not sexually attracted to anyone. Aesthetically, yes. Emotionally, perhaps. Politically, definitely. But sexually? No.
Have you come out of the close as any of both?

I'm definitely out of the closet as to being lesbian. Now I'll come out of the closet as to being asexual. Closets are for clothes, not people!

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DigitalBookDust

I recently had a profile up at a major online dating site looking to meet someone else to DATE locally. That's all I wanted to do-go out for dinner, go to the theater, meet for coffee, etc. I did NOT want a physical relationship. I ended up taking my profile down when it became clear that that was the whole point of the site. Sigh. I'm not necessarily even adverse to one day getting into another relationship, but this time I know what my boundaries are going to be and want someone who can respect them. I expect, given that I can't even find anyone to date around here, my chances of meeting someone who can do so are infinitesimally slim.

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PoppyField

Oh yay, people who might understand all the confusing things in my head! :D

It's actually been really hard to find a label, since I'm kind of an introvert and not good at getting to know people, so I haven't had a chance to "test" how I might actually feel towards men/women. And since I've started to identify as ace/gray-a it's not easy to say whether I "like" men or women since there isn't that attraction people apparently feel :D

But I have had crushes on both genders, even if I've been too scared to do anything about it :P especially with women, since making a first move would feel like "coming out" even if I'm not sure about things...

Wow, I probably need some help XD

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C8H7N3O2

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I identify as biromantic asexual so I guess I am an intruder as well. It took forever to even settle on that because I don't really like titles nor did I think people could be more than one at once.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

As I said above.. I didn't think the titles could coexist so I never really thought about them. I didn't even know you could have a romantic orientation that is different than your sexual one.. that is until this place. I have always been fond of females moreso though and just generally prefer female friends.

The first time anything to do with Asexuality even entered my mind was a good 5+ years ago. I had it as a ready excuse for when the creepy people would attempt to hit on me. After that I pushed it out of my mind until recently.

Are you yet not sure?

I am as sure as ever - which if you know me you'd know that doesn't carry much weight. Seems like there are new definitions all the time.

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?

Not including the people here.. I have told 1 or 2 rl interwebs people. I let people think what they choose and depending on who you are, I might tell. No one I know in person knows.

I also don't think "coming out" is something that's really necessary. If you know, great. If you don't, ask. Or don't.

I've never liked or hated the word lesbian.. But if it applied to me I would probably prefer the term gay. Has anyone else wondered why 'gay' can be for either gender but 'lesbian' is only for the ladies.

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plaidclash

I also am not fond of the term 'lesbian', and if I was strictly homoromantic/homosexual, I think I'd much prefer to go with 'gay' instead.

Same here. smile.gif

Yup, same

Edited by AshenPhoenix
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plaidclash

I'm still not even sure about my romantic orientation. I'm pretty darned sure I'm asexual (although I do question that from time to time). Being ace makes it especially difficult to determine my romantic orientation... I don't like dick OR vagina!

Sometimes I get nervous talking to boys and I can't tell if that is because I like them, or if it's because I DON'T like them.

I've had a couple of low-key crushes on guys before, but the feeling never lasts and it doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. When I picture me in a relationship with a dude, I feel like I want to be the less dominant partner. I want HIM to comfort and cuddle me and tell me I'm beautiful. Basically a "traditional" maleXfemale relationship, you know?

But when I picture my FEMALE crushes, I feel all happy and warm and hnnngggg. It's much more intense and romantic. I want to be the "more dominant partner" if that even makes sense. I want to tell her she's beautiful and cuddle her and make her happy. I have a much stronger emotional and physical connection with girls, and I see myself being more likely to "please" a GIRL with sex, rather than a guy.

So I'm pretty sure I like girls, I'm homoromantic... or at least that is how I like to identify.

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

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Shae

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I might be. I have been in love with a boy and with a girl in the past, and currently am attracted to this one girl, and possibly attracted (although I think it's more of a squish) to a man. So I guess biromantic might be closer to the mark? With a definite preference for the ladies.


How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I figured I was bi when I was 11, and have gone back and forth between bi and lesbian ever since. I only started suspecting I might asexual after reading about it on a polyamory forum on 2012, checked out this place, didn't feel like I could identify. Nowadays I definitely identify as asexual - I have no desire to be sexed myself, but would probably sex up a girlfriend.

Are you yet not sure?

I'm sure I belong somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, I'm only unsure about how permanent this state will be, since I connect it with the meds I'm taking. Since they are meant to be taken till the day I die, however, I guess I take what fits now. I've always been sure about liking the ladies, not so sure if I like men as well.

I have a question for other lady-loving ladies out there: Would you be willing to do sexual things to a partner in order to satisfy her, even if you don't want anything sexual done unto you?

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plaidclash

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?

I might be. I have been in love with a boy and with a girl in the past, and currently am attracted to this one girl, and possibly attracted (although I think it's more of a squish) to a man. So I guess biromantic might be closer to the mark? With a definite preference for the ladies.

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I figured I was bi when I was 11, and have gone back and forth between bi and lesbian ever since. I only started suspecting I might asexual after reading about it on a polyamory forum on 2012, checked out this place, didn't feel like I could identify. Nowadays I definitely identify as asexual - I have no desire to be sexed myself, but would probably sex up a girlfriend.

Are you yet not sure?

I'm sure I belong somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, I'm only unsure about how permanent this state will be, since I connect it with the meds I'm taking. Since they are meant to be taken till the day I die, however, I guess I take what fits now. I've always been sure about liking the ladies, not so sure if I like men as well.

I have a question for other lady-loving ladies out there: Would you be willing to do sexual things to a partner in order to satisfy her, even if you don't want anything sexual done unto you?

I am wondering too, if I might be bi rather than homoromantic. Still not sure.

As for your last question... I'm not sure. I think of myself as borderline sex-repulsed. I would probably find "boob-touching" pleasurable. I actually kind of like the way it feels when someone does that to me, and I wouldn't mind doing that to someone else. But I don't really think of in in a sexual way, it's more like a "massage" if that makes any sense lol! Oral sex really grosses me out. I wouldn't be ok with giving or recieving oral, especially not giving it. Fingering, eh. I would MUCH prefer not to. And finally penetration. I'm a girl with a vagina so I'd have to use a dildo... that's pretty gross and BEYOND awkward, in my opinion. I would never want to be penetrated, but I MIGHT do that for someone else. Maybe. Only if we were really, really close. Lol

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ithaca

I have a question for other lady-loving ladies out there: Would you be willing to do sexual things to a partner in order to satisfy her, even if you don't want anything sexual done unto you?

The important thing is establishing boundaries and respecting them/having them respected. Once those are clear, things are way easier and sex can be lovely :)

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CupofCoffee

Many (if not most) bisexual females seem to prefer men, to some degree. Which isn't unexpected, and it's perfectly fine. It does make me, personally, warier of dating girls who identify as bi, however.

That's true, I have noticed that as well. My friend from highshcool identifies as Bi but she is crazy over boys way more than girls.

I'd think I'd be warier as well.

So I'm not asexual, but I do think that I could be gray-A. Anyways, I've just recently (very recently) come to terms with my bisexuality, partly because my attraction comes in waves. I can go weeks without noticing anyone, but then sometimes I notice boys more, and then other times I notice girls more. But, if the right girl came along, I'd definitely consider dating her. Unfortunately, no such girl has shown up yet, and the only one that has was straight. *sighs*

And some bisexuals may preference men over women, but I wouldn't say that applies to everyone. :)

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RedOwl

Well, preferences change depending on the person. I identify as biromantic asexual, but I've always felt more attracted to women than men. Don't ask me why, it's just something I realised... Kind of like I, given the option, would choose to spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a guy.

The thing is, personality is much more important to me, so gender has become secondary.

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plaidclash

Well, preferences change depending on the person. I identify as biromantic asexual, but I've always felt more attracted to women than men. Don't ask me why, it's just something I realised... Kind of like I, given the option, would choose to spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a guy.

The thing is, personality is much more important to me, so gender has become secondary.

This is EXACTLY how I feel omg you basically just put my thoughts into words and I love you for that :D

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blue2 sky

I really hate labels. I have been mainly with guys and had crushes on girls in the past.

I would identify myself as bisexual. I don't think love needs labels based on gender though.

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DanceOfSwords

Yoooo :P I'm excited that we have a thread cool cool!!!

Tbh though, I know it's a very personal thing and I'm all for people identifying with whatever label is most comfortable, but it makes me kind of sad that so many people find lesbian a gross term :( So I just thought I'd share this other pov!

Like, I completely completely understand. The way it's used by most men is objectifying and horrible. It's literally a porn category. When people use 'lesbian' to refer to actual people it does bring to mind a certain stereotype which definitely doesn't apply to all of us (tho butches are lovely aah :wub: ). I came out to my mum half a year ago and she can't say the word without dropping to a whisper and spitting it out which obviously doesn't make me feel accepted at all and adds to the self hate. BUT

All this just made me want to use it even more hahaha :lol: Because me starting to find the word gross was all to do with internalising other people's homophobic attitudes and I refuse to let homophobia affect my self image. ashhjfgjaf if this wasn't a swear-free forum this post would be a lot more colourful lmaoo.... Anyways point is, it did take a while to feel this way (like building up positive associations and surrounding myself with positive ppl on tumblr especially) but I see my gradual increasing happiness with identifying as lesbian as simultaneous with just feeling more happy with myself in general! And now lesbian is a beautiful word which means sisterhood and strength and love between women which is so powerful!!! Along with the handy side-effect of proving that we can live & be completely happy without the validation of men haha :P I also love it because Lesbian originated with us, people have tried to twist its implications but it started off as a community label and it'll always be for us. (this community focus is why u can also think about it as meaning just... a woman who partners exclusively with women. That's what everyone using the term has in common and it doesn't imply anything about the level of different attractions so u can totally be an ace or aro lesbian). In contrast, homosexual has medical implications and to me it means the way it was viewed as a disorder & a fault to be fixed, and homoromantic kind of echoes that so.......... idk. It's cool if u prefer homoromantic but I don't think I'll be using that. I call myself gay casually too but overall lesbian is where it's at yeAHH 8) :lol:

Btw if anyone is struggling with how they identify re: only liking girls or not, or if you're feeling down about being homoromantic/ lesbian then pls come talk to me! Love u all and I'm cheering for you <3

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Ms.Burrito

I identify as panromantic. I don't see the person's gender as something to decide if I could be attracted to them or not. It's all about personality for me! Which is why I've been attracted, though rarely, to both genders.

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DigitalBookDust

I don't mind the term "lesbian" but personally use the word "dyke" just to reclaim it from it's too often derogatory use. It has been used as a slur against queer women far too much,so I've decided to embrace it.

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thiago_mc

I thought I was homoromantic, but I like it from a certain distance.

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nerdperson777

I just got curious and decided to crash this thread. I've noticed that most of the posts here are by cisfemale individuals. Can there be a correlation? I see androgyne on this page, but what about other gender variant people? Transfemale? Non-binary? Demigirl?

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Kanenas

I am genderqueer as f... Never did and never will change my lesbian identity.

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lowena

I don't really want to go through all almost 300 posts in this thread, but am curious if any others feel this way.

For awhile I identified as lesbian, before I figured out that I'm aro and grey-ace. I don't really feel comfortable using "lesbian" anymore because of that (I could say greyhomo-ace technically, but intercourse isn't important enough to me to say that). However, my aesthetic, sensual and platonic attractions are all mainly towards women. My squishes are mainly on women.

Thoughts?

I just got curious and decided to crash this thread. I've noticed that most of the posts here are by cisfemale individuals. Can there be a correlation? I see androgyne on this page, but what about other gender variant people? Transfemale? Non-binary? Demigirl?

Trans woman here. ^-^ Amab obviously.

I identify as panromantic. I don't see the person's gender as something to decide if I could be attracted to them or not. It's all about personality for me! Which is why I've been attracted, though rarely, to both genders.

Both? You're saying there's only two, which I'm sorry to say is wrong.

But when I picture my FEMALE crushes, I feel all happy and warm and hnnngggg. It's much more intense and romantic. I want to be the "more dominant partner" if that even makes sense. I want to tell her she's beautiful and cuddle her and make her happy. I have a much stronger emotional and physical connection with girls

I totally know what you mean by "dominant partner"! I'm "vers" when it comes to affection - sometimes I prefer holding the other person, sometimes I prefer being held.

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FabulFuz

Yeah I'm going through some sort of identity crisis right now over this very thing, and it's confusing as heck. I've pretty much solidly identified as ace for most of my life, (looking back on it after I found a term for what I was experiencing) but gender has always been more complicated. I'm genderqueer, (now leaning more towards androgyne) and I've had crushes on all sorts of people regardless of gender, so I've identified as panromantic.

I still don't experience sexual attraction, but heres the thing;

I've always been repulsed by the concept of sex with men.

I've always been indifferent to the concept of sex with women.

And lately I've begun wading through a lot of toxic gender-related yuckyness, (realizing that I was being a bit misogynistic, even as a female) and started reclaiming my own femininity. It's amazing how much LESS dysphoric I am now in regards to my gender identity and my body. The other day I got to this point where I'm thinking "I don't think I could ever date a man again".

And initially I was like; "Oh, this is great! I can handle the idea of having sex with women without freaking out, so surely this will increase my chances of not being forever alone!" And then I started looking up things about the lesbian community, because heck if I know how to approach another girl, (I can barely approach people in general for romance) and....

It's been sort of disheartening, because I feel like there are all these crazy rules and very specific (read: constricting) ways you have to present yourself to be considered a bonafide lesbian. I mean, I just want to be queer and date ladies and express myself however I please? All the clique-y rule stuff just smacks to me of how there are all these rules for how women are expected to 'present' in hetero relationships. Eh.

Then again, I know nothing of other people's experiences.

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emcam

Are you asexual lesbian?


Yea, pretty sure


How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?


Defiantly asexual first, in 10th grade, then I realized that my inner feelings of friendship with people were probably more than that


Are you yet not sure?


Waiting to see how I will feel in a relationship, but I'm waiting until college to date, not two many people to date where I live.


Have you come out of the close as any of both?


Asexual first to two friends, who kinda know I want to date girls-their cool with it-they are mostly gay too.

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prairiegirlUK

Hi everyone, I was directed to this thread from my intro and am so glad to have found it. I've spent quite a lot of time feeling like some kind of 'failed lesbian' before finally understanding what asexual is. This thread gives me hope! I'll read back through more of it in time. Thanks, guys! x

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Cimmerian

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?

I figured I was bi when I was 11, and have gone back and forth between bi and lesbian ever since. I only started suspecting I might asexual after reading about it on a polyamory forum on 2012, checked out this place, didn't feel like I could identify. Nowadays I definitely identify as asexual - I have no desire to be sexed myself, but would probably sex up a girlfriend.

I have a question for other lady-loving ladies out there: Would you be willing to do sexual things to a partner in order to satisfy her, even if you don't want anything sexual done unto you?

Hm, yes I'd be willing to do some "sexual" thing to a partner but as Ith said, I have my limits that I won't give on, but beyond my limits I'm pretty much willing to try anything.

It's funny, when it comes to women I'm less concerned with what might be done to me sexually and more concerned with what a partner wants me to do for them sexually. With men it's the reverse. xP Any of our bi/pan ladies on the same wavelength?

I don't really want to go through all almost 300 posts in this thread, but am curious if any others feel this way.

For awhile I identified as lesbian, before I figured out that I'm aro and grey-ace. I don't really feel comfortable using "lesbian" anymore because of that (I could say greyhomo-ace technically, but intercourse isn't important enough to me to say that). However, my aesthetic, sensual and platonic attractions are all mainly towards women. My squishes are mainly on women.

Thoughts?

But when I picture my FEMALE crushes, I feel all happy and warm and hnnngggg. It's much more intense and romantic. I want to be the "more dominant partner" if that even makes sense. I want to tell her she's beautiful and cuddle her and make her happy. I have a much stronger emotional and physical connection with girls

I totally know what you mean by "dominant partner"! I'm "vers" when it comes to affection - sometimes I prefer holding the other person, sometimes I prefer being held.

I use both asexual and bisexual interchangeably in real life unless we're talking about sex in particular where I'd need to bring up asexuality because, although the most direct sexual acts are off-limits for me, I consider who I'm romantically attracted to more important than what I won't do/don't feel. And while I haven't dated much in any gay scene, I can't imagine all women believe sex in the way that is off-limits to me is mandatory enough in a relationship to make me feel bad about identifying as bisexual primarily while dating. Just my thoughts though.

-----

Oh how did I miss the dominant partner talk?! :) I'm versatile there too,l but I prefer being the less-dominant partner with women more often, I think. I can't think of any great way to explain it, but I like my partner to be the one who comes over to hold me etc. (not that I don't do the same). I like to feel absolutely taken care of and a bit spoiled affection-wise. I like that I can be so much warmer and forward with a partner when I know I'm loved that way, so we both get more affection when I have a more dominant partner. ^_^

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