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Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!


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words are futile devices

So yesterday I announced to my Facebook friends that I'm romantically attracted to women. I had already come out as ace a few years back, so I just added this more recent discovery to it. Have received nothing but support and positive feedback in return, which makes me so happy. I have a lot of open-minded friends. The only thing is, I pretty much blocked my entire family from being able to see the post. I'm at a point where I didn't want to keep it a complete secret any longer, but I'm not quite ready for everyone to know. My family, especially extended family, are not going to take the news well. At all. A big part of me feels like, Who freakin' cares what they think? Their opinion is nothing to me. Really, I don't care much what they would say... but, I was worried about my dad and brothers seeing it or being told about it. Even though one brother, at least, probably knows. I almost came out to him this past weekend. He point-blank asked if I liked girls, and I said, "Maybe.... I don't know. I'm figuring things out." So, in the next few weeks, I imagine I'll 'fess up to my brothers, and my dad, and my mom (who also already has an idea of things, I'm sure). Anyway, sorry 'bout the tangent. I'm just relieved I'm now mostly out as a gay ace. ☺️

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Claire1983
On 7/1/2018 at 9:10 AM, JJtheBrave said:

Hi I'm new is anyone there?

Occasionally.  The main forums are usually a little more responsive

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words are futile devices
My homoromantic friends! Any advice on asking a friend out on a date? This girl and I have been “hanging out” and getting to know each other for about a year now, though I’ve had feelings on and off for her since 2016. She’s actually the one who sparked my gradual realization that I’m romantically attracted to women. She is openly gay, and knows that I identify as a gay ace. We’ve spent quite a bit of time together, going to the movies, to festivals, to restaurants; we even took a road trip together last fall for a concert. We also often switch back and forth paying for each other’s meals and movie tickets.
 
The thing is, I have literally NO IDEA if she thinks of me even the slightest bit romantically, or if I am a strictly platonic friend in her eyes. Neither of us are flirtatious types, and aside from hugs and the occasional brush of arms and hands on shoulders, we don’t make much physical contact. But I enjoy the hell out of my time with her, and I think she must enjoy it too, since she often initiates our outings. I’m just worried that if I ask her out with romantic intentions, it will make things weird. I mean, it probably won’t, but I guess I’m afraid of being rejected, haha. But it would be nice to know one way or another, because the not knowing is eating away at me. 
 
So.... is there a certain way I should go about this? It’s not like we’re merely acquaintances who run into each other on occasion. At this point we’ve established a friendship, and we see each other on a semi-regular basis. Do I wait until we’re getting coffee together to pop the question? Do I just express how I feel about her and see how she responds? Any input would be most appreciated. 😁
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Carsonspire

Ugh, I feel for you. I've had an experience extremely similar to this one. I would not suggest the coffee shop. :-) Do you know if/where she sees the transition phase between "platonic" and "romantic"? If not, do you feel confident you could have this conversation with her? Another perspective to consider might be: what would change, ideally, if you two transitioned your relationship from platonic to romantic?

 

Good luck!

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words are futile devices

I really don't know where she draws the line between platonic and romantic. It's not a subject we've ever addressed. I actually am not even sure if she's ever had a romantic relationship before. She's never mentioned it to me, at least. I really don't feel confident about any of it, haha. I just know that I like her. If we transitioned from platonic to romantic.... well, ideally we would be, you know, a couple. We would spend more time together, have a more physical relationship (as far as hand holding, all the hugs, maybe kissing, that sort of thing), see if there is potential for long-term partnership. Of course, my asexuality is potentially a barrier. I'm not sure how highly she would prioritize sex in a relationship, so that would definitely be something to discuss. This is all very hypothetical, though, because I get the feeling I'll never hack up the courage to tell her these things. 😕

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
22 hours ago, words are futile devices said:
My homoromantic friends! Any advice on asking a friend out on a date? This girl and I have been “hanging out” and getting to know each other for about a year now, though I’ve had feelings on and off for her since 2016. She’s actually the one who sparked my gradual realization that I’m romantically attracted to women. She is openly gay, and knows that I identify as a gay ace. We’ve spent quite a bit of time together, going to the movies, to festivals, to restaurants; we even took a road trip together last fall for a concert. We also often switch back and forth paying for each other’s meals and movie tickets.
 
The thing is, I have literally NO IDEA if she thinks of me even the slightest bit romantically, or if I am a strictly platonic friend in her eyes. Neither of us are flirtatious types, and aside from hugs and the occasional brush of arms and hands on shoulders, we don’t make much physical contact. But I enjoy the hell out of my time with her, and I think she must enjoy it too, since she often initiates our outings. I’m just worried that if I ask her out with romantic intentions, it will make things weird. I mean, it probably won’t, but I guess I’m afraid of being rejected, haha. But it would be nice to know one way or another, because the not knowing is eating away at me. 
 
So.... is there a certain way I should go about this? It’s not like we’re merely acquaintances who run into each other on occasion. At this point we’ve established a friendship, and we see each other on a semi-regular basis. Do I wait until we’re getting coffee together to pop the question? Do I just express how I feel about her and see how she responds? Any input would be most appreciated. 😁

How about writing a letter? It's a very personal but tactful way to express your feelings. Maybe you could ask her out for another cup or coffee or watching a movie together before giving it to her at the end of the meeting, asking for her reply after reading it carefully when getting back home again. Or you could try to catch the right moment to confess to her face to face but that might take a lot of courage. These things are always quite hard to handle but there's still a 50/50 % chance after so it's definitedly worth taking the risk, one way or another.

 

Besides, I'm sure that you will be able to stay friends in any case even if she can't reciprocate your romantic emotions. It might be odd for a while but things will get back to "normal" over time. I keep my fingers crossed for you!

 

All the best to the both of you!

 

 

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How about just bringing up the topic of relationships by asking her "how do you know if a girl is interested in you?", so maybe she'll start to talk about her experiences and you can see what her perspective is, which can open the door to further conversation about the topic. This way you get a feel for what her thoughts are without revealing your feelings...yet.

Let us know how it turns out! :)

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theotherpope
On 7/15/2018 at 1:55 AM, AVENger74 said:

How about just bringing up the topic of relationships by asking her "how do you know if a girl is interested in you?", so maybe she'll start to talk about her experiences and you can see what her perspective is, which can open the door to further conversation about the topic. This way you get a feel for what her thoughts are without revealing your feelings...yet.

Let us know how it turns out! :)

I wouldn't have considered that, it's such a good idea! :D 

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Hi! Just thought I'd drop in, see what's up with this forum and say hi lol. Nice to know that there is a fair amount of homoromantic people. 👋

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On 5/6/2018 at 4:57 AM, Big J said:

I don't know anymore...that is my sexuality.I like girls romantically and sexually.I rarely like some guys but I just find them attractive nothing more.I would not even dream being with a man which I don't know why.I just can't think of being with a man romantically,I guess.But I am also not so sexual person,I am into sex but not so.

this is exactly me though

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I didn't think I was attracted to women because I definitely did not want to have sex with a woman. After my boyfriend became my ex, I realised that I didn't want to have sex with men either. Since then I realised I like both butch and femme women but my preference for men are feminine/androgynous/delicate guys.

 

If I could choose what the future holds for me, I'd like an ace wife 👌😍

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hello.

I realised I was asexual only a few months ago, and then later realised I was biromantic.

I was very stressed about coming out to my family as ace, but now I might have to come out to them as biromantic as well, so it is all a bit of a headache.

It was only a few months  ago that I really starting noticing women I thought were attractive, it had never really happened to me before and at first I thought 'wow, some ladies are really dressed nice this summer!' but then I started to realise it was more than that.

I've only told two people IRL, so it's nice there's a whole community here to chat to!

🍰

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
6 hours ago, ♠♠♠ said:

If I could choose what the future holds for me, I'd like an ace wife 

Sounds perfect 😀 I hope your dream will come true someday!! 

 

All the best!! 🌈

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  • 3 weeks later...

uhm hi there, this is my first-ever post on any forum actually. I just found this thread and it instantly made me wanna share my story for the first time. (it's not this much interesting, but maybe relatable)

first of all i try not to 'identify' as anything... i'm just being myself! and a bit unsure.... but no labels. also, i live in eastern europe where most people are unaware (you all know what it's like here...  lgbt is barely supported, there are no rights for same-sex couples, let alone queer people. no sexual education in school)

my post is a bit long, sorry

anyway, when i was a kid i found love and kisses gross and unnecessary. i am a girl but i hated all the princess movies, i hated barbie. not because it was so girly and pink but because LOVE was always involved! i hated all the prince charming shit, never understood why would love be the meaning of anyone's life. all my peers had kindergarden crushes (i know it's weird), the kind of when a boy kissed a girl on her cheek and she was all so happy she hugged him back and so on and so on blehhh. it continued in elementary school, same old story but they all began talking weird shit. girls kept complimenting boys, called them cute or handsome. i could not relate. school life turned into some kind of a race... whoever will have more boyfriends (continuously of course haha) wins. everyone would suddenly spread dirty jokes and false speculations about sex. i wasn't interested in sex that much, that i didn't even realise what it was until i was like 10. it felt gross to think about. i was called genophobic/coitophobic by my friends. when i was 12 i began having weird new and very strong feelings towards one girl... not that i wanted to kiss her or "do" her. she had beautiful hair and all i wanted in life was to stroke her hair, admire her beauty, cherish her, but also just spend time with her. she seemed cool. and she was that 'cool kid' type indeed. we were in PE class together. she was sporty, played floorball. i had severe health problems and was completely unable to exercise (especially in team plays). quickly the girl began bullying me... long story short: i didn't care, i loved her, but it really demolished my self-esteem.

back then i thought everyone was pretending to like the opposite gender, thought they wanted to be like american tv stars. i thought anything 'sexual' and sex related was a lie so i didn't feel very odd with how 'different' my feelings were. i guess everyone feels ok with what they do only until they find out everyone else does things differently...

at 13 i found out about homosexuality and i instantly thought i was a lesbian, simply cause i liked a girl. later i had few more crushes/squishes. they were always female. when i was in middle school my mom found out. she's very tolerant and sympathetic, nevertheless she said that classic "hormones, you'll grow out of it" and did not believe me at first. it took her some time to understand it's all serious, we spoke about it. "so you think, you like girls?" she asked "do you want to kiss girls? do you like them in sexual way?". i never liked girls that way. it was the first hint something was wrong. 

i was 15 when i began dating a girl i met online. once asked her if she knows any good lesbian movie (don't ask). as simple as that. she linked me tons of movies, but all were, uhm, mainly about sex. i told her i only wanted movies about love not sex. she was all like 'what are you? 12?'. she seemed grossed out at first, she asked me if i was asexual. it was the first time i heard the term asexual. the way she expressed that... made me feel like it was awful, abnormal, like some kind of terrible disability. it reminded me of some sponge or bacteria with no sign of sexual dimorphism, it sounded so medical, biological, like she just diagnosed me with something horrible. 'maybe' i answered after quickly learning what it even means and she was so CROSS at me, she was angry. she took ill and we haven't spoken for days. i did not want to lose her so, for a whole year i kept faking sexual interest and pretending i had those 'wet dreams' (yuck). i lied i dreamed about sex and that i masturbate frequently (i never do). i was hoping one day it will become natural for me. it never became. we broke up because of this... because of me. and it took me 14 month to fully recover from this state of mind: the constant feeling i was subnormal or mentally ill. i can't really tell what exactly made me accept asexuality, i had negative feelings towards the entire concept for a long time. but i went to high school, i met a bunch of new, self-conscious people. a few of them quickly came out as asexual. i was amazed by how they spoke about it with lack of shame or even with pride. eventually i found out (through our other friend) my current crush is asexual. this really encouraged me to read some legit info about asexuality, i found AVEN, i realised i was ok. i am healthy, normal and i may be asexual. i know it might change eventually (i'm just 17) but also it's exclusively my business so i don't really talk about it to anyone hahah

that's all... i wish i found out about asexuality earlier. i wouldn't suffer in a toxic relationship. i'd maybe have some courage to ask girls out. i would feel ok with myself. 

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guess I spew something out here since I've been questioning for a while now

soo I know for a definite fact that I'm asexual. I don't any interest in sexual intercourse with anyone. But in terms of the romantic side of things, I dunno I feel that I lean more towards women than men. Like I feel like I would have more of an emotional connection going on with a girl moreso than a guy. And I mean, I kinda had a thing for half a month last year that could possibly be describe as 'girl craze' since it was just "wow some of these girls are so pretty and I wanna get to know them and be their friend but im intimidated wahhh. why yall so pretty" and it was frustrating since I never actually approached them but that could've been some intense squishes I had there lol. But I wouldn't mind being with a female partner I dunno. Is this some place between being bi and gay on that grey-romantic spectrum?? Idk. I'm not gonna slap a label on it. I just wanna hold hands and hugs with a nice girl is all.

edit: months later me, hello. Yeah I'm pretty gay

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  • 4 weeks later...
I'm Ace I guess

Yeah I recently realized I'm homoromantic and honestly I don't know how I didn't realize it earlier. I'm SO GAY. Like seriously I'm still in the closet but everyone's probably gonna know within days because I can't keep my mouth shut about how cute girls are. I think I pushed away the idea of being anything other than straight because my family is pretty homophobic, but then I started being more open minded and I realized that it's perfectly okay to not be straight and there's literally nothing wrong with it. Then I figured out I was ace pretty easily, because just like being homoromantic, it's pretty obvious. It still took me a while to fully realize I was homoromantic, but now that I know I feel great. I just love girls and I wanna hold their hands and cuddle with them agghhh I'm so gay I need a girlfriend.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 9/15/2018 at 6:53 AM, I'm Ace I guess said:

Yeah I recently realized I'm homoromantic and honestly I don't know how I didn't realize it earlier. I'm SO GAY. Like seriously I'm still in the closet but everyone's probably gonna know within days because I can't keep my mouth shut about how cute girls are. I think I pushed away the idea of being anything other than straight because my family is pretty homophobic, but then I started being more open minded and I realized that it's perfectly okay to not be straight and there's literally nothing wrong with it. Then I figured out I was ace pretty easily, because just like being homoromantic, it's pretty obvious. It still took me a while to fully realize I was homoromantic, but now that I know I feel great. I just love girls and I wanna hold their hands and cuddle with them agghhh I'm so gay I need a girlfriend.

That's great! Welcome to our cummunity :D I'll keep my fingers crossed for you ;)

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 I knew I was into girls back in high school. I had a very open minded girl friend who wasn't afraid to randomly hold my hand, lay her head in my lap, and kiss me. It felt like we were dating and I liked that a lot, but I was confused because I wasn't sexually attracted to her. She probably did all those things for giggles, but I really didnt mind. Years later I forgot about it and dated a guy for two years. I spend most of my time at anime conventions when I can afford it and I always seemed to spot same sex couples with each other whenever I went and I was jealous. I wanted that. I wanted to have a girl hold my hand or dance with me during the masquerade. I eventually told my boyfriend about my feelings. We broke up forever ago, but we're still  good friends. Now I'm trying to keep myself occupied with work until a girl appears, lol. I've looked on tinder and okcupid, but with no luck. I've been on dates, but got ghosted shortly after.

 

Hopefully I'll find a homoromantic asexual girl or a bambi lesbian  (a lesbian who likes cuddles, kisses, and affection only) sadly I live in a teeny tiny town in Ohio so it'll be tough.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think I'm homoromantic, but I don't know anyone in my personal life who identifies as asexual. What does it feel like when you see someone you're romantically interested in? How do you describe your sexual orientation? And any tips for coming out to people that aren't familiar with/don't understand asexuality? I want to get to know the community that I likely identify with.

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Wow I've never heard the term "Bambi Lesbian" before. Now I have a million questions about how it originated, where it originates, what the wider lesbian community thinks of it and whether it's a term that used to be commonly used but has fallen out of vogue, etc. etc. 

 

Then the question is... Is there an equivalent term for gay men and if not why not? etc. etc.... 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey.

I'm still really confused about the whole romantic thing, but I definitely have "crushes" on women, not that I would want to do anything beyond MAYBE hugging, and I'm definitely not attracted to men, but I still feel really uncomfortable with this whole part of my identity and I'm kind of worried I'll be laughed at for my stupid little girl crushes, but hey....

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I have never felt any of that icky stuff to either gender, and I know that I am definitely asexual. I am extremely uncomfortable even talking about icky stuff in a hypothetical sense. I have crushes on girls, but don’t know how I feel about calling myself gay, because these crushes are not at all icky (what is a crush anyway?). Maybe homoromantic? I am so confused because it feels like everything makes me uncomfortable and whenever I think I feel a certain way I have doubts. I don’t know if I am capable of being in a relationship at all, but if I was it would not be with a cis man. I want to be a part of a community but I feel like I can’t really call myself self gay and feel a part of something bigger. And this kind of sucks. Sorry if this was completely irrelevant to this thread and very rambling.....

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

@Katie15 It's totally fine to join our community on AVEN as such. Just take your time and try not to stress yourself too much over finding the perfect label for your orientation or identity. It will become clearer to you over time once you start talking and exchanging personal thoughts with other women here eventually.  As for now, I think asexual homoromantic might be a useful term for you. But again, it's all up to you of course. There's no need to even strive for any particular label at all.

 

However, we're always here to help and suppor you.

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On 8/29/2012 at 6:53 AM, AnotherMember said:

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?
How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?
Are you yet not sure?
Have you come out of the close as any of both?

I'm glad this forum exists. I thought I was the only one. 

I identify as homoromantic demi-grey ace at this point. 

It's been a HARD process of finding this out. I was in the mainstream lesbian/queer women's community and there were aspects of it that I just couldn't keep up with or didn't feel comfortable with. I slowly learned that the culture doesn't fit my values. I value interpersonal/emotional connection over physicality/sexual connection. I value long-term compatibility rather than short term shallow situationships. I'm a lady, not a party girl. And other aspects that made me a misfit there.  A lot of disappointment and discomfort. I'm interested in finding the right little niche of the LGBT community. 

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