Homoromantic / Asexy lesbian time!

[lilsunflower]

I came out as a lesbian about 4 years ago and just got out of a two and a half year relationship because we realized I'm not much into sex. Sure, stick your tongue down there and I'm a happy camper, but I don't crave it and honestly the thought of me going down there disgusts me. I identify as an asexual lesbian, I don't have close relationships with men, never have, never will but I'm also not looking for a relationship with a woman where sex is a must. It's proving a little more difficult than one would imagine.

I feel the same! And yes, it's difficult. There are too few of us, or maybe we are too shy?

[lilsunflower]

Hi. Again :D

Thought I'd use this thread to vent some recent frustration and perhaps to ask if someone else has noticed a similar thing.

So, I ventured in a couple of lesbian forums recently - our local one is pretty much dead and I kinfa need a place to socialise with like-minded people now&then. One would think that lesvbian forums will work, me liking women and admiring women and wanting to talk about women - right? Wrong. It starts out well enough, and then at some point things inevitably focus on sex details - what you like, what you've done, what you haven't done. I tend to stay away from these discussions, previous experience has taught me that nothing good comes out of my attempts to offer a different point of view. But just skimming through parts of the discussion to get to the new unread posts - ugh, it felt so damn awful. I'll put some of the stuff I read under a spoiler because it's ugly and I assume not everyone will want to read anti ace stuff but

someone had the misfortune of mentioning they don't like oral and a shitstorm ensued. Over 95% of the comments were basically 'you can't be a lesbian then, real lesbians love eating pu**y', 'you're pretending', 'something's wrong with you' , and especially the one that gets me most because it's where my personal insecurities are - 'I feel sorry for your partner'.

I'm so tired of not having safe spaces to even talk peacefully even inside a community that supposedly cares about everyone who doesn't fit the neat het-matrix. Almost every time I find myself in that situation - being pushed away and marginalised and basically invalidated by a group I'm technically supposed to belong to, it leads to bad days and so much pent up frustration and hurt :/ Is this something isolated, that I have the misfortune of constantly stmbling onto, or is it more of a trend? Are there LGBTQIA spaces where you're not treated like shit just because you don't fit the sex-loving stereotype?

I've been told that I can't be a lesbian too, just because I don't enjoy browsing nude pics of females. Most lesbians seem to me to be sex-obsessed (I'm not judging, just observing) and constant touching/kissing is what their relationships are based on. I do feel out of place in lesbian forums, bars or events.

[prairiegirlUK]

Hi Sunflower, I can't work out how to quote, but I totally relate to this:

"I've been told that I can't be a lesbian too, just because I don't enjoy browsing nude pics of females. Most lesbians seem to me to be sex-obsessed (I'm not judging, just observing) and constant touching/kissing is what their relationships are based on. I do feel out of place in lesbian forums, bars or events."

I get really fed up of it sometimes, and I do feel cut-off from other lesbians, because of it. It can be a lonely place. For me, relationships are about emotional connection, and I get that the asexuality part of it is not, shall we say, usual, but it is me, and I sometimes struggle to see why people find that quite so difficult to understand. If it's how someone feels then it's how they feel, I don't feel that others should judge something invalid simply because they don't get it. x

[binary suns]

I struggle with it sometimes, when I look at another girl and get really confusing internal signals. that like, part of me is comparing me to her, making me feel unappealing and unpretty while she's gorgeous, and another part of me is looking at her and saying she's cute/pretty and wanting to admire her like in infatuation sorta. an aesthetic crush. or maybe it's secretly a romantic crush and I just don't understand the feeling (I consider myself aromantic) and I mean I'm autistic so this is new to me, I used to be too afraid to look anyone in the eye/face, such that I wouldn't look at someone long enough to start to get this conflicting emotional response. so I don't know how to handle it. I'm starting to resent looking at girls at all! and that's not what I want for sure :( I mean before I resented looking at people 'cause faces are too emotionally activating for me to handle, and I'm slowly getting over that. but now, I'm afraid to look at a girl's face 'cause I don't understand what to do with the emotions I get in response if she's especially pretty :(

[lilsunflower]

I struggle with it sometimes, when I look at another girl and get really confusing internal signals. that like, part of me is comparing me to her, making me feel unappealing and unpretty while she's gorgeous, and another part of me is looking at her and saying she's cute/pretty and wanting to admire her like in infatuation sorta. an aesthetic crush. or maybe it's secretly a romantic crush and I just don't understand the feeling (I consider myself aromantic) and I mean I'm autistic so this is new to me, I used to be too afraid to look anyone in the eye/face, such that I wouldn't look at someone long enough to start to get this conflicting emotional response. so I don't know how to handle it. I'm starting to resent looking at girls at all! and that's not what I want for sure :( I mean before I resented looking at people 'cause faces are too emotionally activating for me to handle, and I'm slowly getting over that. but now, I'm afraid to look at a girl's face 'cause I don't understand what to do with the emotions I get in response if she's especially pretty :(

Funnily enough I get both feelings too! For me though it's not so much a conflict, I accept that that person is just shockingly pretty and simply end up admiring her. :)

[SwirlyKitten]

I feel like I don't fit in with lesbians or asexuals. Most lesbians are really focused on the physical aspects of it, while I'm here like lets adopts cats and raise them together while watching anime. And most asexuals that I know are heteromantic and don't really understand me. Apparently most aces aren't heteromantic or at least that's what most people say but from what I observe, many aces have relationships with the opposite gender, probably out of convenience. Because life is just easier if you can pass as straight....

[lilsunflower]

I feel like I don't fit in with lesbians or asexuals. Most lesbians are really focused on the physical aspects of it, while I'm here like lets adopts cats and raise them together while watching anime. And most asexuals that I know are heteromantic and don't really understand me. Apparently most aces aren't heteromantic or at least that's what most people say but from what I observe, many aces have relationships with the opposite gender, probably out of convenience. Because life is just easier if you can pass as straight....

Probably the kitten-anime aces you are talking about are aromantic as well, or maybe terribly afraid of talking about their emotions.

Sorry to hear that you feel nobody understands you, I agree with you that most ace women seem to be heteroromantic. That makes sense to me, it's not surprising. I don't think they want to pass as straight, because being aces they would find it very easy to have their relationship with a woman look like a fond friendship from the outside.

Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk, I won't propose to adopt kittens I promise :)

[Shinigamioneesan]

First off i know im gay i have had a squishy on one maybe to boys but its never been more then that. But i realized it last year and at that point in time i meet this girl (t) and i dont know if i should ask her out she knows im asexual and so do most of my friends but i dont know if i really like her enough to date her or if its just a friendship kind of thing, but one question since im particularly new, what is love like for you? I mean i want to be around t as long as possible, she makes my day just better every time i see her smile, and now she'll be ok if i tell her im gay but i dont know what to do, but

[crashing silent]

Well, this seems like the right place for me to be. :) In answer to the original questions...

Are you asexual lesbian or better called homoromantic?
I had been thinking of myself as an asexual lesbian (and I guess it makes it easier to explain to people - though I'd just say I'm gay and asexual) - but I like homoromantic better. I really miss having someone to hold hands with. :(

How was it the process of discovering it? Did you find out first that you are homoromantic or lesbian -or insert here proper name- and then asexual?
I knew I was gay in high school - I had crushes on girls/women. But I spent years in relationships with guys, letting them treat me like a piece of meat. I wasn't into sex but I thought that was the only way anyone would ever want me. Eventually I started dating women which confirmed that I was gay (not that I ever really doubted it). But I still wasn't into sex. I married a woman (as married as you can be in this backwards country) but my complete disinterest in sex and my health issues became real problems for her so I find myself single again. I now definitely identify as asexual.

Are you yet not sure?
Sometimes I think I would like to have a sexual relationship ... but it's just the idea of being passionate ... when it comes to actually doing it - no thank you. So yes, I'm sure. :)

Have you come out of the closet as any or both?
Everyone knows I'm gay. I've hardly told anyone I'm asexual ... just kind of in passing when I've been trying to make people understand why I think I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. But it's not a secret - I just generally avoid conversations about sex.

[DreadfulBetty]

Hi I'm an asexual lesbian :) My wife and I were married 3 years ago and life is good. We are a Polyamorus family and I have 4 other partners who I love very much. Being Ace doesn't seem to affect my ability to date or meet people. Over the years I've built up a community of friends who I spend time with. The people who I've met through my friends tend to be the people I date.

I belive that the best way to meet someone who might be a good SO is to be active in your community and build a good network of friends. I wanted to add to this that being honest and up front about who you are and how you feel helps tonnes. People fall in love with a person not just a part of a person be true to your self. :)

[Shinigamioneesan]

for me i found out i was asexual first and went through so many websites
saying i was a psychopath, till i had found this video called asexuals. i
was so happy i wasnt insane that i had starred at my screen, smiled like an
idiot and cried.I then learned i was gay last year i was much more
intersteed in woman, i could just see myself with them but could never see
myself as straight. i call myself a gay asexual some people where i live
arent smart enough to break down homoromantic, but i go by any name i just
think homoromantic sounds more poetic and use it when being very official.
at school every one of my friends knows im asexual but they have no clue im
gay, my parents either i wish to one day tell them but i have to wait until
i go to college which isnt that far from now im 15 ill be graduating in
2018. I find it funny that i have so many gay friends ~three~. since
tomorrow is friday ill tell the girl i have a crush on im gay shes my best
friend, i don't know if there is more to it but i hope so, she says i love
you every time we have to go, hell shes changed in front of me. i dont know
if this is what friends do or she actually likes me. i have only had one
maybe two female friends and so many guy friends i dont know whats normal
for friends, since for a long time i didn't have contact with many people
cause i was weird didn't have social skills and i was tall so a lot of
people avoided me, im kinda suprised i didn't turn out mute.

[The Emerald]

When I was 9, I thought everyone should be Bisexual, because everyone is pretty. I also thought that babies were made by French Kissing so.....

But I started thinking that I was a Lesbian because I was having dreams about my female friends, and I didn't find male actors handsome, just the women. But all that I wanted to do with her was cuddle, and hug, and I daydreamed about spooning.

So, then I stumbled upon the term Asexual used to describe Natasha Romanova in a fanfiction, and I went "Ummm, Me?"

I took part in a school musical, and I developed a 'crush' on another female friend, and I started to write fiction about us using the 'mate formula' a poplar occurrence in fanfiction (two people are born for each other, may have 'soul-marks' know each other by scent etc.) But once I got into the story, I just had us cuddle. She, incidentally, figured out that I was Asexual first (straight though).

So, that's my story. I have told my parents (yesterday via an email of this site) and they seem to have accepted it. Mam still thinks that I'm too young, but we'll see. She says, "My first boy friend was/is your Dad" So I think she just thinks I need to meet the 'right' person. But I haven't come out as homo-romantic yet. I don't want to date, so I see no need. I told a group of close friends two weeks ago (that I was ace) and they seemed OK with it, they kinda went "Oh?!" and topic change.

Yay, another asexual lesbian! Hi!

[Shinigamioneesan]

i did it i actually did it!!! i came out to the girl i have a crush on,and my other friend(sam), the next step ask her out on a date!! but my gaydar as my friend puts it isn't great and im gonna ask sam(the one with the best gaydar, she new i was gay when i told her) if the girl i have a crush on is gay. dunno what will happen but im excited!! i think i really do like her though. she beautiful, kind, smart, strong willed, im really happy(if you couldn't tell)!

[2gab]

Hi, I think this is my group, Although I love going dancing and spending time w/ my sisters, when sex is the topic of discussion I find myself bored and want to move on. I am a sexual abuse survivor, and never enjoyed sex w/either gender. I do like rubbing/massaging backs, hugging, holding hands, and maybe kissing on the mouth, w/out tongue. But that's as far as I can go. Twice found myself in a situation where the woman was sitting naked in front of me and both times I just froze. The thought of putting my mouth on someone's genitals was so disgusting. Although was able to tolerate it done to me, I never got any sexual pleasure from it and was glad when it was time to get dressed again. I like the emotional closeness of a relationship, w/out the physical intimacy. Am I a queer or lesbian platonic romantic?? There're so many labels for asexuals, it can truly be confusing. gab

[crashing silent]

Hi, I think this is my group, Although I love going dancing and spending time w/ my sisters, when sex is the topic of discussion I find myself bored and want to move on. I am a sexual abuse survivor, and never enjoyed sex w/either gender. I do like rubbing/massaging backs, hugging, holding hands, and maybe kissing on the mouth, w/out tongue. But that's as far as I can go. Twice found myself in a situation where the woman was sitting naked in front of me and both times I just froze. The thought of putting my mouth on someone's genitals was so disgusting. Although was able to tolerate it done to me, I never got any sexual pleasure from it and was glad when it was time to get dressed again. I like the emotional closeness of a relationship, w/out the physical intimacy. Am I a queer or lesbian platonic romantic?? There're so many labels for asexuals, it can truly be confusing. gab

I'm only new here too and I'm not good at all the labels and terms. What you describe though sounds similar to how I feel. I want the 'romantic' part of a relationship, including holding hands, hugging, maybe non-penetrative kissing - most importantly, someone to share my life with - but definitely no sex. I originally used the term asexual lesbian (before I found AVEN and all the labels). But 'lesbian' sometimes has sexual connotations (homosexual) so now I say I'm a homoromantic asexual. From what you've described, it seems like that term might suit you too.

I'm sure some others here, who are better with the terms and definitions than I am, will have some suggestions or advice too. :)

[2gab]

You might be right about that. I never quite could use the term Lesbian to I D. myself as, since I did not feel like it really applied to me. After reading more about all the definitions and combinations of asexuals, I think "Homo/sensual is a nice respectable label that I can live w/. gab

[Jesrad]

Okay, new question. I came out as lesbian years before I guessed I was asexual. So my family identifies me as lesbian and several of my sisters see me as the lesbian one (I'm from a large family of all girls). For years, I thought they were nymphomaniacs, but, turns out, I was the different one. LOL. Anyway, my question is, has anyone else run into this second coming out problem?

I've tried to work my way up to breaking the news about being asexual, but one sister accused me of lying about my sexual history--she can't comprehend me not having any sex. Another one won an award writing a paper on her lesbian sister, but wouldn't let me read it. Another asks when I'm going to get married, now that we can. My bisexual sister thinks I'm just depressed. My oldest sister thinks I'm letting our religious upbringing effect my subconscious sex drive. Argh! I am beginning to think it was easier the first time. Are people more willing to accept you as a lesbian than a homoromantic asexual?

[gaillimh]

An intruder here, ace without a special preference.

However, I remember never really giving a thought about who I wanted to be with. From an aesthetic viewpoint I liked a lot of masculine traits. The older I got and the more people I got to know there was this epiphany of "why not a girl" ? This went along with me accepting my asexuality and then saying "wtf I don't care about genders anyway".

I don't advertise it nor do I make a secret out of it. Never get asked out by a girl though

That...doesn't really make me lesbian...or bi I guess...more "whatever". Sorry.

[ShaneP]

Um, hi.

I just came to the realization that I am asexual yesterday. Until that point, I thought I was a gay man who just had "issues" or hadn't experienced "good" sex. But at 35 years old, and never having enjoyed sex (or having the desire to seek it out), I've come to terms with what I am.

I live near downtown Calgary and would like to meet other A guys, and perhaps find a relationship.

Shane

[MidnightShow]

Okay, new question. I came out as lesbian years before I guessed I was asexual. So my family identifies me as lesbian and several of my sisters see me as the lesbian one (I'm from a large family of all girls). For years, I thought they were nymphomaniacs, but, turns out, I was the different one. LOL. Anyway, my question is, has anyone else run into this second coming out problem?

I've definitely had this problem! I've been "out" as a lesbian since I was 15ish to my friends, and came out to my parents when I was 21. I realised my ace-ness last summer, and have told a few friends, but everyone else knows me as gay. I can't really be bothered to try and explain to my parents, but coming out to my friends for the second time, while was easier for me, I think it was a lot more confusing for them as most of them hadn't even heard of asexuality.

I was always uncomfortable with the term lesbian, and never felt particularly comfortable using it. But now I've come to realise I'm asexual, and I'm far more comfortable, it's made everyone else a uncomfortable I think as they don't understand it.

[mortaldivergence]

I thought I was a lesbian for maybe like 2 years before I thought I was asexual and I thought that once I came out as gay to people and accepted it more to my self then I would start noticing the same feelings my other lesbian friend had, but I never did and when I found Aven everything made sense .

I knew I wasn't into boys because I never could picture my self dating or even kissing them, but I could see myself with a girl, but I only wanted the romantic part of relationships, but I didn't know asexuality was a thing so I just thought those 'feeling' would just show up once I was attracted to someone.

[ShaneP]

More on the topic of semantics, am I still "gay" because I'm attracted to males, even though I don't have any desire to have sex?

[prairiegirlUK]

ShaneP, I sometimes wonder the same thing ... can I/should I/do I identify as a lesbian, given that I am asexual? I think it's harder as society wants you to be either straight or not, but as many of us know, things are often not that simple ...

[WolfHund]

I identify as a lesbian so I don't have to 'reveal' my asexuality to anyone front on. It may seem dumb, but I wait till I know the person first. If I wanted to be extremely honest, I'd say I'm a homo-romantic asexual, but more often just say asexual lesbian.

[Love/is/love]

I am pretty sure that I am gray-homoromantic asexual-celibate. That is a pretty long title! I have never been comfortable enough to say that/write it down anywhere other than my 'secret notebook'!

[Latiatia2a]

Hi !!!

It's been a while since I was here ... but I have a question. As an asexual do you ever miss being in a romantic relationship and if so, how do you deal with it ?

I mean, it's been quite hard for me lately, I've been feeling lonely, yet I have a lot of friends and family around me but still missing the "special someone". I've been trying to date, and I actually am in a relationship but I know for sure it's going nowhere, Usually I look for a platonic/romantic relationship with a woman (I feel a lot more connected with women) but I found this nice guy I thought to have a good connection with. I was wrong it's not working, I've seen him twice in 2 weeks and I don't even want to see him anymore.

Big problem is that I really feel something is missing in my life, and I don't really see how I could find someone : I live in a small town, I'm a little shy so it's hard for me to make first steps with people, and it's like my romantic life is really going nowhere.

So my question is : Has anyone already been in that situation ? If yes, Did you make it to find someone and how ?

[AcingEveryTest]

Holy poo, so much I can relate to here. I have been out as gay to all of my friends and family since the age of 14 (!), but when I tell them I am asexual I get the usual gamut of responses like "maybe you just haven't had the right kind of sex yet". Sigh. So I definitely understand how frustrating it can be to feel like family aren't really on board with the whole ace thing, especially when many of them might have just wrapped their heads around a person "being a lesbian". I used Ashley Mardell's fabulous YouTube ace and aro 3-parter (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQVvVhe6EPc) to help my sister understand a bit better, and now she's throwing around terms like zucchini and Zedsexual when a few months ago she told me that I must just be a late bloomer like her. Knowledge is power! :)

Hi !!!

It's been a while since I was here ... but I have a question. As an asexual do you ever miss being in a romantic relationship and if so, how do you deal with it ?

I mean, it's been quite hard for me lately, I've been feeling lonely, yet I have a lot of friends and family around me but still missing the "special someone". I've been trying to date, and I actually am in a relationship but I know for sure it's going nowhere, Usually I look for a platonic/romantic relationship with a woman (I feel a lot more connected with women) but I found this nice guy I thought to have a good connection with. I was wrong it's not working, I've seen him twice in 2 weeks and I don't even want to see him anymore.

Big problem is that I really feel something is missing in my life, and I don't really see how I could find someone : I live in a small town, I'm a little shy so it's hard for me to make first steps with people, and it's like my romantic life is really going nowhere.

So my question is : Has anyone already been in that situation ? If yes, Did you make it to find someone and how ?

As a single person, I completely miss being in a romantic relationship...but the last time I was in a romantic relationship I kind of forced myself to be sexual in an attempt to "make myself" like it, which was an utter disaster and super unhealthy for both myself and my ex-girlfriend. I find my friends and family are wonderful to be around, so I generally deal with loneliness by surrounding myself with the people I love and working on exciting new creative projects. Please don't give up hope, Latiatia2a; the right person for you might be just around the corner, and I am not saying that to be glib, I really mean it. I am working on myself right now, but when I do start dating again it will be mostly online (OkCupid even lets people check off "Asexual" as an identifier now, which I think is awesome...I figure anyone who is scared off by that DEFINITELY doesn't deserve all the fun they could have with me.) Good luck hunting!

[The Emerald]

I had my first girl crush and still crushing on the girl. However, she is as straight as a board and realized I liked her.

She still works at my old job but doesn't talk to me - even ignores me and it makes me mad.

[Aeryn Gunn]

I have such a hard time connecting with people on any level beyond friendship because I'm afraid I might fall for someone, romantically, and then that person will expect sex. It has certainly happened to me before. I am out to most of my friends as a lesbian, but I haven't bothered telling all of them that I am asexual - borderline demi.

I really dislike how people assume something is wrong with me because I am single and have never been married. My best friend asked me, after we knew each other for two years, why I never dated and I just told him I haven't found the right person yet. I actually am interested in having a relationship and I do want to have a romantic connection with another person, but I just can't do it with someone who is sexual. I think I might be the only ace in my town or perhaps the others are in hiding like me.

I started a new job just under a year ago and the guys I work with have started asking why I never talk about having a boyfriend or dating. They, for the record, talk about their wives all the time. So, against my better judgement, I just told them that I do have a boyfriend and if push comes to shove, I do have a male friend who will come with me to company events. I hate having to lie about who I am, but I just find it easier than trying to explain that I'm am single by choice and quite frankly, my sexuality is none of their business. Telling them that I have a boyfriend will get them off of my case. Anyone else feel compelled to do the same, just to avoid dealing with the ridicule? I wish it wasn't such a big deal to people.

[wisteriawest]

Holy poo, so much I can relate to here. I have been out as gay to all of my friends and family since the age of 14 (!), but when I tell them I am asexual I get the usual gamut of responses like "maybe you just haven't had the right kind of sex yet". Sigh. So I definitely understand how frustrating it can be to feel like family aren't really on board with the whole ace thing, especially when many of them might have just wrapped their heads around a person "being a lesbian". I used Ashley Mardell's fabulous YouTube ace and aro 3-parter (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQVvVhe6EPc) to help my sister understand a bit better, and now she's throwing around terms like zucchini and Zedsexual when a few months ago she told me that I must just be a late bloomer like her. Knowledge is power! :)

Hi !!!

It's been a while since I was here ... but I have a question. As an asexual do you ever miss being in a romantic relationship and if so, how do you deal with it ?

I mean, it's been quite hard for me lately, I've been feeling lonely, yet I have a lot of friends and family around me but still missing the "special someone". I've been trying to date, and I actually am in a relationship but I know for sure it's going nowhere, Usually I look for a platonic/romantic relationship with a woman (I feel a lot more connected with women) but I found this nice guy I thought to have a good connection with. I was wrong it's not working, I've seen him twice in 2 weeks and I don't even want to see him anymore.

Big problem is that I really feel something is missing in my life, and I don't really see how I could find someone : I live in a small town, I'm a little shy so it's hard for me to make first steps with people, and it's like my romantic life is really going nowhere.

So my question is : Has anyone already been in that situation ? If yes, Did you make it to find someone and how ?

As a single person, I completely miss being in a romantic relationship...but the last time I was in a romantic relationship I kind of forced myself to be sexual in an attempt to "make myself" like it, which was an utter disaster and super unhealthy for both myself and my ex-girlfriend. I find my friends and family are wonderful to be around, so I generally deal with loneliness by surrounding myself with the people I love and working on exciting new creative projects. Please don't give up hope, Latiatia2a; the right person for you might be just around the corner, and I am not saying that to be glib, I really mean it. I am working on myself right now, but when I do start dating again it will be mostly online (OkCupid even lets people check off "Asexual" as an identifier now, which I think is awesome...I figure anyone who is scared off by that DEFINITELY doesn't deserve all the fun they could have with me.) Good luck hunting!

Oh, I totally understand that. My last relationship was similar (both of us women), where we tried to compromise with the subject of sex, and it ultimately didn't work out. After being with that person for 3 years, it was a really hard blow, and I've found it a little difficult to reconnect with the idea of dating even though I really, really want to spend time with someone romantically. It's just difficult sometimes to bring it up casually, especially because it has the potential to be awkward. But luckily I'm finding it easier to talk about with potential partners (in person). But I'm leaning more towards dating online as I feel like having a relationship with another asexual (or someone who understands asexuality a little better) might be better for the both of us in the long run.