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Are You a Loner?


Ziffler

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DracoBorealis

It's mostly by choice. But I'm not really the Most Wanted Person either.

Okay, this may sound like a rant (and I may use some generalization for point-making purposes), but here goes.

Be warned, wall of rambling text incoming!

...

Well, I at least enjoyed reading your cri de coeur, thank you for writing. There may be more people than you might think in the world who sympathize with your viewpoint.

Well, not so much of a cry from the heart as a meandering list of notions/experiences, but thank you.

As for sympathizers, you may well be right, but the world is a large place and I've yet to come across one. And, like said above, I don't exactly go looking for them either. I am content with the status quo.

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Well, not so much of a cry from the heart as a meandering list of notions/experiences, but thank you.

As for sympathizers, you may well be right, but the world is a large place and I've yet to come across one. And, like said above, I don't exactly go looking for them either. I am content with the status quo.

LOL - it's interesting that the conventional wisdom is that one should be comfortable being alone before getting involved with someone else. I do agree with this, but the truth is if you're truly comfortable, well, you don't need anyone else! And there's always a downside to being in a relationship.

So I think the advice should be "don't be crazy dependent, but just a little needy" :)

Like you, I doubt I'll find someone with whom I'll mesh comfortably, but that's ok. And if I do happen across someone, that's good, too.

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I like living alone. I work from home and don't like being disturbed, I also like my space to be just mine. But living with friend(s) in the past wasn't so bad either, though it took much more energy.

Never been the kind who hangs out with a large group of acquaintances, always had a few close friends and that was good enough for me. As I'm aromantic, friendships became a bit awkward in my twenties because I have very strong ties to my friends and we weren't always comfortable with it, because such closeness is mostly considered as part of a romantic relationship and it confused us all. Also, my friends' romantic partners weren't usually happy with me in the picture... That made me feel kind of lonely, pushed away sometimes. After I came out as asexual, this confusion mostly cleared up and now I have more close friends than ever, having met many of them through asexual meet-ups :-) I don't see them like every day or something, but usually once a week there's someone who wants to hang out.

So it's hard to say whether I'm a loner or not. I wouldn't like to go out every evening and meet twenty new people, but I also wouldn't like to stay a whole month holed up at home without any contact with my friends.

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LOL - it's interesting that the conventional wisdom is that one should be comfortable being alone before getting involved with someone else. I do agree with this, but the truth is if you're truly comfortable, well, you don't need anyone else! And there's always a downside to being in a relationship.

So I think the advice should be "don't be crazy dependent, but just a little needy" :)

Or, you could just enjoy your time together as a bonus because you don't have to need someone in order to want to be with them. Works perfectly fine for me and my partner. ;)

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It's mostly by choice. But I'm not really the Most Wanted Person either.

Okay, this may sound like a rant (and I may use some generalization for point-making purposes), but here goes.

Be warned, wall of rambling text incoming!

Thing is, for as long as I have lived, people have shunned me. Sure, I have always differed from the standard -I don't think the way the average Finnish woman of adult years does. I don't behave that way. I AM not that way.

What I am is an introvert who was born with a severe case of the foot-in-mouth syndrome and little to none of social skills. I don't talk much, but I do love to listen. Well, mostly anyway. I have very little trust in people -there are currently only three people I trust, myself included- and do not talk about personal stuff.

Since I'm far off the norm (adult female who, for example: 1) is asexual/does not do relationships 2) is not social 3) does not have nor want children 4) works in the steel industry, doing what is traditionally considered men's work 5) loves music more than anything else 6) plays and builds guitars 7) does not drink or smoke etc. etc.) I'm considered a quirk. And quirks are something you either try to "fix" or just ignore them.

Most people just ignore. Those who attempt to fix me (in whatever ways, be it simple holier-than-thou lecturing or something else) usually get furious when they fail, and start down the war path.

As I have mentioned, I do not talk about personal stuff. But some things are always found out one way or another.

Although my life choices and preferences do not show on the outside, I'm still shunned by most people. Sure, having a robust physique and tattoos will repel certain people, but even when I was a kid it was like I had some kind of force field around me that either made me invisible or averted people from me. Even those who had never seen me before and did not know the first thing about me.

And even then, when it came to conversations, I was never on the same page with anyone. Not even in the same book. I was always like "Sheesh, doesn't he/she know ANYTHING about this world and what's going on?" and the other would look at me all confused and go "WTF?" every ten seconds.

I learned to read at a very young age, and have always been a sucker for information. It annoyed me then and it annoys me now when I'm surrounded with people who know very little about anything that doesn't directly involve them. I am not interested in shallow small talk about the pair of pants you bought or who got engaged to whom or how your dog puked all over the new carpet you bought from that ridiculously expensive shop next to your hairdresser's. I especially am not interested in your bodily functions or the resulting substances (some people can have an eight-hour long in-depth conversation about poop, my own mother being one of them).

I will listen, but don't think I wouldn't want to change the subject (but since I respect you as a person -as I value courtesy above most things in life, I have a sense of general respect towards everyone- and you cannot read body language, I won't ;) ).

When I do talk, I tend to get confused (partly due to me being a polyglot, I tend to think in English and translate what I intend to say into Finnish and sometimes I cannot find the proper Finnish words) or I simply cannot make any sense or point. What I wish to say is right there, balancing on the tip of my tongue, but just won't come out right.

When it comes to certain things, I'm very easily insulted.

My interests are things that usually only males like to talk about, but since I am female, few men take me seriously enough to have proper conversation with. Or, they immediately try to leverage the hell out of the situation in order to get into my pants.

When it comes to my personal ideas and theories, people usually think I'm just being stupid. I'm rarely, if ever, taken seriously.

Anyway, as stated, people are shy of me. I may offer assistance with something and the person I'm offering it to will pretty much just run away (this is particularly true at work, both day- and volunteer-. A person may refuse help from me but accept it from the one next to me). No one will walk up to me just to say hi -at least not without wanting something. But I am shy of people too. Despite longing for thought-sharing and such, I have no particular desire or need for company. I'm very much a solitary person who loves being on her own. I live alone, always have, and have never had more than a handful of friends. I don't make friends easily, mostly due to my lack of trust in people (trust and respect are entirely different things). I find it very difficult to connect with anyone. If there is no connection, there is no point.

I have several hobbies and enjoy them alone, go to the cinema, concerts, fairs -alone. And I love it. I tried Facebook, but found it the most tiresome and trivial thing ever. Click-click, profile deleted. AVEN is the only site I bother coming to right now. I have deleted most of my accounts everywhere, save for my Myspace artist page and dA (both of which I haven't visited in a long, long time).

But, to be honest -just because I love being alone and wouldn't change it for the world, that doesn't mean I don't feel lonely every now and then. If there was someone who would accept me as I am, someone who wouldn't try and get close to me only to use me, someone to have a good time and talk with, I wouldn't mind. I could never have company 24/7 -I would go homicidal- but just sometimes, it would be nice. It's not something I'll go looking for, as it would be akin to looking for a needle not just in a haystack, but in a whole hay field, and I would likely end up making way too many enemies in the process. Especially given my tendency of attracting the worst the society has to offer -but that's a whole other story. One can still daydream, right? :)

Where is "Like" button? :-)

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Meh, I don't really like being a loner most of the time, I just seem to have a knack for being weird enough for people to not want to be around me. I've always felt lonely, as long as I can remember. Even my wife, who is a good friend, once sex got involved it strained what was a perfect relationship before then. Its difficult for me to both interact with people and be my self at least in real life. I have a tendency to hold allot back IRL and not trust people. As a result I'm one person on the outside and another on the inside. And once they see whats inside, they don't usually like being around me any more.

I don't know that being asexual is the cause, but it definitely contributes. When you always feel like you are not the same as anyone around you or that something is wrong with you, it fosters that need to be someone I'm not.

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Meh, I don't really like being a loner most of the time, I just seem to have a knack for being weird enough for people to not want to be around me. I've always felt lonely, as long as I can remember. Even my wife, who is a good friend, once sex got involved it strained what was a perfect relationship before then. Its difficult for me to both interact with people and be my self at least in real life. I have a tendency to hold allot back IRL and not trust people. As a result I'm one person on the outside and another on the inside. And once they see whats inside, they don't usually like being around me any more.

I don't know that being asexual is the cause, but it definitely contributes. When you always feel like you are not the same as anyone around you or that something is wrong with you, it fosters that need to be someone I'm not.

No no no no no no NO! NO!!! Be yourself. Be different. There are 7.5 BILLION (with a B) people on this planet! Imagine how boring it would be if they were all the same. I hope I'm never called "Normal"; for the day I am, just put a shotgun to my temple and squeeze the trigger. You were created to be YOU and nobody else. There's only one of you on this rock we call home and once you're gone, something's gonna be missing. If people don't want to be around you, that's their problem, not yours. They don't know what they're missing out on by not having you as a friend.

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I'm such a loner some people find it offensive. I'm usually nice to people though, I just don't like crowds, people I don't know very well, etc. I prefer to be wary of those who surround me.

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I am in my late 60s, and have always enjoyed my own company the best, even though I also do enjoy and respect mankind. If that makes me a 'loner', then I guess it's so, even though that word can have a negative connotation at times (brought on by society, in general). I have always been an asexual, aromantic which I feel has nothing to do with my being a self-proclaimed 'loner'. :)

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LOL - it's interesting that the conventional wisdom is that one should be comfortable being alone before getting involved with someone else. I do agree with this, but the truth is if you're truly comfortable, well, you don't need anyone else! And there's always a downside to being in a relationship.

So I think the advice should be "don't be crazy dependent, but just a little needy" :)

Or, you could just enjoy your time together as a bonus because you don't have to need someone in order to want to be with them. Works perfectly fine for me and my partner. ;)

Yes, that's the way it should work. But it's quite different being in a relationship as opposed to looking to be in one.

But I've decided the best thing is to wait until someone wants to be with me and the feeling is mutual, rather than try to force anything.

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Meh, I don't really like being a loner most of the time, I just seem to have a knack for being weird enough for people to not want to be around me. I've always felt lonely, as long as I can remember. Even my wife, who is a good friend, once sex got involved it strained what was a perfect relationship before then. Its difficult for me to both interact with people and be my self at least in real life. I have a tendency to hold allot back IRL and not trust people. As a result I'm one person on the outside and another on the inside. And once they see whats inside, they don't usually like being around me any more.

I don't know that being asexual is the cause, but it definitely contributes. When you always feel like you are not the same as anyone around you or that something is wrong with you, it fosters that need to be someone I'm not.

Sorry to hear you feel lonely. But I doubt being someone you're not will help in any but the most superficial way. That's a path to feeling an even deeper alienation since nobody knows who you are.

But if you're married and your wife is a good friend, even if strained, you're not as alone as you'd be if single.

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Or, you could just enjoy your time together as a bonus because you don't have to need someone in order to want to be with them.[/font][/color]

Yes, that's the way it should work. But it's quite different being in a relationship as opposed to looking to be in one.

But I've decided the best thing is to wait until someone wants to be with me and the feeling is mutual, rather than try to force anything.

I agree with Mysticus Insanus, and I also feel like you do about waiting until someone wants to be with me, etc. In the meantime I'm happy on my own and try to do all the things I like to do and want to do. I try not to let the fact that I'm on my own hold me back from things too much (although I haven't gone out to eat on my own much or do some of the other things that I enjoy more if I have someone to share them with).

Sorry to hear you feel lonely. But I doubt being someone you're not will help in any but the most superficial way. That's a path to feeling an even deeper alienation since nobody knows who you are.

But if you're married and your wife is a good friend, even if strained, you're not as alone as you'd be if single.

also this

It can be daunting to to try to be one's self, especially if there are things about one that aren't considered "normal". But there can also be a certain freedom to being able not be "normal". It can mean losing some friends or potential friends/partners, but it can also mean those who do accept you and love you are greater treasures. (just something I've been thinking about as I've become more and more comfortable with being who I am.)

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*killer*queen*

Definitely a natural loner. I've never been too thrilled to do team things or be around a lot of ppl, even friends have their expiration date so to speak. And i once found old report cards from about the kindergarten - 1st grade age that implied i didn't exactly play well with others. Even in high school if i had to do team things; subject or assignment i liked, i could muddle through. One i didn't or i thought i could do it much better and faster on my own, i would get sulky.

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Yeah, I'm a loner, and proud of it. I do have friends that i see, and they understand me, so I'm not a total recluse. I simply prefer to be alone, where I can do what I want, when I want. I have no one else's standards to live up to. The only problem is being 46 and unmarreid is people assume I'm some kind of pervert.

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i once found old report cards from about the kindergarten - 1st grade age that implied i didn't exactly play well with others.

I do have my report card from kindergarten in 1966 and I got a "D" in plays well with other children. I got it because I was painfully shy and wouldn't speak to other children. I wonder if there are a lot of shy types running around with bad grades in plays well with others. Thankfully, I was able to get higher grades in academic subjects like reading, writing, and arithmetic and I did eventually overcome the debilitating shyness.

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I do have my report card from kindergarten in 1966 and I got a "D" in plays well with other children. I got it because I was painfully shy and wouldn't speak to other children. I wonder if there are a lot of shy types running around with bad grades in plays well with others.

What? :o I find it incredibly insulting towards introverts. And very unsensitive towards little children. It´s like to say: "You are a bad person because you are shy." :wacko:

Thankfully, I was able to get higher grades in academic subjects like reading, writing, and arithmetic and I did eventually overcome the debilitating shyness.

:D

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i once found old report cards from about the kindergarten - 1st grade age that implied i didn't exactly play well with others.

I do have my report card from kindergarten in 1966 and I got a "D" in plays well with other children. I got it because I was painfully shy and wouldn't speak to other children. I wonder if there are a lot of shy types running around with bad grades in plays well with others. Thankfully, I was able to get higher grades in academic subjects like reading, writing, and arithmetic and I did eventually overcome the debilitating shyness.

sheez, that teacher gets an "F" from me! :angry: Happy for your overcoming Cathy :D and arion816 :D

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DracoBorealis

I too remember a mention of me not playing well with other children -and I was angry about it even then. I didn't WANT to play with them. I was much happier reading, drawing or playing by myself -besides, I liked boys' games better. I remember one lady particularly well, if she saw me playing with the boys, she would instantly direct me back to the girls who usually were busy playing house -which I hated with a passion. I wanted to be a fighter pilot or a rock star and not a goddamn housewife. The lady would simply tell me that "you are a girl and you need to do girls' things. One day you WILL get married and start a family, that's what women do, and you'll never find a man if you act like one yourself". Of course, my protests were dismissed as "silly".

This happens in schools and kindergartens even today. I cannot fathom why kids are being forced to fit into a preset mold, instead of letting them be what they are. What if, thanks to such an upbringing, you end up knowing what you want, but being brainwashed into thinking you're always wrong and society is always right, also end up hating yourself and your life? How is that doing anyone any good? As self-conscious beings, none of us will ever be the same as the next person.

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Sockstealingnome

i once found old report cards from about the kindergarten - 1st grade age that implied i didn't exactly play well with others.

I do have my report card from kindergarten in 1966 and I got a "D" in plays well with other children. I got it because I was painfully shy and wouldn't speak to other children. I wonder if there are a lot of shy types running around with bad grades in plays well with others. Thankfully, I was able to get higher grades in academic subjects like reading, writing, and arithmetic and I did eventually overcome the debilitating shyness.

I can't believe they actually gave out a grade for that. I don't remember even getting report cards in kindergarten.

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I can't believe they actually gave out a grade for that. I don't remember even getting report cards in kindergarten.

Three years later in 1969 when my younger brother started kindergarten at the same school they had changed to giving U, S, or O instead of A, B, C, D, or F. U = unsatisfactory, S = satisfactory, and O = outstanding. My brother was upset that he wouldn't get a grade like I did. I hope now most schools don't give report cards for kindergartners. How about it parents, did/do your kids get report cards in kindergarten?

Fortunately I don't remember being unduly upset with getting D's on my report card in kindergarten. I imagine that my Mom and Dad did not make a big deal out of it so I didn't make a big deal of it. They just signed it and I gave it back to the teacher. They never made a fuss about it in front of me.

I was tested in three different ways that year to be sure my problem was just being painfully shy and not something else. I had an eye test, an ear test, and an IQ test that year. I had normal vision, normal hearing, and did fine on the IQ test. So ... yep ... I could hear you, see you, and understand you but I just was too shy to respond to you!

Cathy

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Yes, I am a loner as in I don't want to have companionship, but I don't mind taking on a family role.

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The personality of being a loner is what causes the asexuality, IMO. I mean, think about it: Having sex is the closest you can be to another human being - Doesn't it just make sense that someone who is a loner wouldn't want to do that? Personally I like to keep people at least half an arm's length away - physically and figuratively speaking.

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The personality of being a loner is what causes the asexuality, IMO. I mean, think about it: Having sex is the closest you can be to another human being - Doesn't it just make sense that someone who is a loner wouldn't want to do that? Personally I like to keep people at least half an arm's length away - physically and figuratively speaking.

I doubt it. There are many romantic asexuals who want to be emotionally and physically close to someone but they don´t want to have sex.

But being different from the majority always makes interaction with people harder and you can become a loner just because there´s noone who accepts you and understands you. Asexuality makes you weird in other people´s eyes, so if there´s a corelation between asexuality and being a loner I think this is a reason.

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Great conversation you've started, Ziffler. It's been so interesting to read through all the responses. I've had a number of very close friendships in my life, but never a lot of friends at one time. I'm quite friendly and get along well at work and such places, but it is very seldom that I click with someone on a deeper level. I can feel quite awkward when first meeting people if there isn't structure built into the situation--something that we can tap into right away. That is why work works well, or homestyle poker games, or any number of other things, but something like trying to make small talk at a party is just too nerve-wracking. I think, like mariposa, that I can be quite different in different situations and with different people, and I relate to having an easier time with children. Children can be challenging in many ways, but what I love about them is that you always know exactly how they feel--they are 100% genuine. Many adults wear me out in a way that children never do.

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........Children can be challenging in many ways, but what I love about them is that you always know exactly how they feel--they are 100% genuine. Many adults wear me out in a way that children never do.

wow, that is so true!! And even though my little students were quick to tell me if they didn't like my hair that day, or if I had hair in my nose; it just wasnt difficult to relax and "be" around them. Tip-toeing around adults and all the filters, and making polite conversation - trying to anyways, I think is exhausting! :blink:

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I was never been fully accepted by anyone in my life (especially in childhood)i was always the kid that was picked on by everyone even when i tried to get help there was no one to turn to i was just expected to "suck it up" so i think it could of contributed greatly to the way i am now (im a complete loner i have no friends in my life apart from a few friends on the net as pathetic is this makes me sound)

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I was never been fully accepted by anyone in my life (especially in childhood)i was always the kid that was picked on by everyone even when i tried to get help there was no one to turn to i was just expected to "suck it up" so i think it could of contributed greatly to the way i am now (im a complete loner i have no friends in my life apart from a few friends on the net as pathetic is this makes me sound)

I'm sorry you had those kinds of experiences!

I'm in a similar boat as far as friends go, at least within any reasonable distance for getting together with on a regular basis.

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I guess I'm a loner by both choice and consequence.

I've always been very introverted and shy around other people. It certainly hasn't been an easy path in life for me, since I don't exactly work or play well with others it has led to some very limited options in my adult life from work/career opportunities to friendships/relationships, or should I say the lack thereof? I don't find most social activities (parties, bars, clubs, sex, smoking, drinking, drug use, etc.) to be appealing. Because I lack the desire or willingness to partake in the activities I've just mentioned, I've always been considered "different"...I've had to endure bullying in various stages of my life which has left scars that are very deep and it has left me lacking trust & faith in humanity and to some extent very bitter as well.

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I'm a loner by choice, and am pretty happy with it. I don't think being asexual has anything to do with it, but I do think the two have some common threads. I feel like I'm expected to have friends. Even more, I'm expected to want to have friends. I'm supposed to feel like I'm lacking something by not having friends, and I'm supposed to be doing something to fix things and get friends. Sound familiar?

Reality is that I just don't care about meeting people. Maybe part of it is that I get enough social interaction online already. But most of it is just that I don't have an interest in meeting people in-person. I have everything I need right here. I have my husband, our 7 birds and our fish, the online games that we play, the Etsy store that I run, food, and comfortable furniture. I have no reason to go anywhere, other than maintaining my health and some semblance of sanity.

I've found that friends are like houseplants. I kill houseplants. I even kill cacti. I just flat-out forget to water them. And yes, I even forget to water cacti. I honestly intend to "not kill it THIS time" when I buy a plant. But no such luck. You can just call me "the plant murderer." Well, I kill friendships too. A friend will leave me a message and I'll honestly intend to answer it within a few days. A month later, I still haven't answered and the friend is mad. Heh. I've killed enough plants and friendships to learn that there's just no point in bothering. If I'm not interested in it, I won't be motivated to maintain it.

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I have a progress report from 1981 (I was three) from preschool saying that the teachers were concerned about my lack of interaction with the other children. :lol: True story.

I have a few very close friends, and the idiot box face I put on for the people at my college. I've only really talked to a couple of them closely, and I can trust them. I hang out in the smoke shack the war (Iraq, Bosnia, Afganistan, Vietnam) veterans hang out in. I've been accepted as one of 2 female civilians "allowed" in there on a regular basis. Talking to these guys alone is always a personal conversation, and I feel lucky to know them.

Also, if someone EVER gives me a problem, it'll be taken care of right quick!!! ;)

But yeah... mostly alone.

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