Are You a Loner?

[Ziffler]

Time to start a new topic. My last topic was "What does Aven mean to you?" In reading the responses I found a common thread of loneliness, or separation from others. What I am interested in exploring in this thread, is why?

Do you think your stand-oafishness is do to your personality, your character, your upbringing, asexuality or something else?

For me I was a hermit type long before sexuality was part of my life. As a small boy, I had very few friends and no close friends. I enjoyed playing by myself or with one or two friends but never groups. I hated sports because they were team oriented, and I am not a team person. I enjoyed fishing, because it was just me and grandpa. I enjoyed hunting, because it was just me and one friend. I enjoyed camping because it was just me and one friend. When I got older I enjoyed golf as long as it was just me and a friend, and not a foursome or scramble.

I could and still can go on a hike in the woods by myself for the entire day and be as happy as a lark. This summer I went to a gay campground to fish. I enjoyed the quiet time by the lake when fishing as well as a place I can go nude all day. No one was around. Everyone else was up at the pool and pavilion. So it was just what I like. My solitude.

I have thought about this off and on over my life, and have come to the conclusion that even if I were sexual, I would still be a hermit type person. I do believe that being asexual in a sexual society has contributed to some of my isolationist tendencies. But I do not blame being asexual for all of it. At 60 years old, I could join a bowling team and go to golf outings and Christmas parties without the sexual thing being an issue. I don't. It has nothing to do with me being asexual. It has to do with I enjoy my privacy and enjoy being by myself.

So what about you?

Here is your chance to look inside yourself and tell us, are you a loner by choice, or by consequence?

[cdrdash]

I'm not a loner but I do like being alone and I am very much an introvert. When I'm alone, I feel my energy renewing itself. When I'm in a group of more than 3 people, I enjoy myself but I find my energy draining. The bigger the group gets the more draining I find it. I do enjoy being with just one or two other people and find I need some human company every so often to feel happy. I don't think I would be happy being a hermit (totally alone all the time).

I don't believe my asexuality has anything to do with my introvert tendencies. Not sure why I believe that, but I do

Cathy

[Sockstealingnome]

Nah nothing to do with my asexuality. I've always been well pleased to play by myself as a kid although I could play in large groups as well. As I've gotten older, I've actually gotten more introverted but I still don't think that has anything to do with my sexual orientation. I just spend more time thinking now is all.

[belovedless]

Most people upon seeing me would not believe I am a loner, because I tend to have a warm demeanor when speaking and at my college many people know who I am. However, I enjoy my alone time and become exhausted if I'm around others for too long. Mostly, I like to spend time with one or two close friends. Friend group dynamics have always been difficult for me. It's my nature to avoid those who I don't get along with so as to prevent conflicts and drama. Friend groups generally make people hang out with at least one person that they really don't like and work to gain the approval of all the group members. From what I've seen, friend groups are somewhat like security blankets: the more friends you have, the less likely you'll be alone.

I became a loner by consequence and now embrace it. Growing up, I tried very hard to fit in and have a group of friends. For some reason, it never worked out. I was always rejected, and, like clockwork, I was forced to find new friends every new school year. I guess one might say I was always too "weird" to fit in with the straight-laced/popular kids in the upper-level classes and too "intellectual" for the "alternative" kids' tastes. As such, I became a floater. This was exacerbated by me attending three middle schools and two high schools.

Once I entered college, I stopped caring about friend groups or friends for that matter. Also, people have told me that I tend to give off a vibe that I am popular and have plenty of friends, so they are scared to approach me. Some think I'm a "snob," too. Don't get me wrong, I still float around on occasion, attending some kickbacks and parties. Eventually, I made some close friends. Still, I would say my main motivation for spending time with others has been queer social justice, which has led me to make many acquaintances, since I need to support the community.

[trewdys]

Yes, I've always been a loner. I'm not averse to group activities but I have always found solitary activities to be preferable. Even now, when people ask me to go with them for lunch or a movie, I'll just go do my own things if I'm not interested in the activity itself. I have few social connections as most interpersonal relationships (or rather, people I come into contact with) aren't worth the time and effort, and do not justify taking time away from my own activities. It's quite an honour to be considered a friend by me.

My (a)sexuality is completely unrelated to my solitary tendencies. In fact, I don't see any reason to assume such a correlation. There are many, MANY introverted sexuals (considering 99% of the world is sexual), just as there are a good number of extraverted asexuals here on AVEN.

[Calcifer]

This is a pretty interesting question that makes me think.

I'm pretty loner but it's not all caused by my asexuality. I believe I've never found friends in my hometown who cared about me.

Things changed when I started college and I met new people and I started to get out more and feel me at ease with others. Get aware of my asexuality helped me to be more sure of myself.

[FrozenCherry]

Just because I have not found anyone yet who is same style of weird at heart than me, lol

[5_♦♣]

Loner by choice.

[MadRat]

are you a loner by choice, or by consequence?

By both. I´m naturally very introverted but my bad experiences with people made me even more distant from them. Asexuality is certainly one of these things which make me weird in the eyes of "normal" people. I could hardly talk about boys and relatinships with other girls at school when I was uninterested in relationships (mostly because I didn´t want to have sex but aromanticism was a part of it too. I just didn´t have a name for it back then).

There are only a few people who are so nice that I really enjoy spending time with them because they´ve never judged me for being different.

And just like you said, one friend is better than a group. I´ve always felt like a third wheel in groups.

[Guest]

I'd see myself as a loner... very much value my privacy, need lots of time alone, and 99% of my social contact is over the internet. I guess if all my sexuality, romance, and gender issues were more akin to whatever "normality" is, I'd be a bit more outgoing, but I still think I'd be very much of an introvert... maybe those 99% would go down to 80%, but not much more. I guess I'm just not a real-life contact person, I've felt uncomfy when there was a house full of visitors even when I was a kid.

[A-Critter]

I'm a bit of both in both senses. I like being with people and do quite a few social things. I don't mind new situations at all. And I don't mind solitude at all and am happy with that, too.

Generally I'm not lonely but like some have mentioned it would be nice to have a significant other relationship. However that I don't doesn't make me unhappy, just a bit lonely at times. I have spent most of my adult life with a partner and that works for me

None of this is affected by my sexuality other than demographic issues (hard for an older male to find another male especially if not into being highly sexual).

[A-Critter]

I suspect you may have gotten a lot of lonliness response from the previous question because there's a lot of lonliness in general plus the question was asked of people with a significant prescence on the internet.

[the-letter-a]

My asexuality doesn't interfere with the way I am with people. I'm not really introverted but I do like to be by myself once in a while as most people do. I can get quite close to people but in a more platonic way, I don't hug or have much physical connections with anyone really probably due to being aromantic.

[Syatten]

Somehow I am a loner too. I don't really care about most people around me. I don't feel the need to belong to a group or to do activities with other people. I'm perfectly happy walking in the city by myself, watching movies alone or reading a book. But I do need human contact, if I spend days alone in my room and without talking to anyone at all I start going crazy. When interested in someone, I can be very sociable. I have also learnt to be pleasant during formulaic communication, I believe I can pretty much fool anyone and feign interest even when I don't give a damn.

I agree, one or two friends are great, but big groups aren't my thing because I can't talk to everyone at the same time, and communication is quite rudimentary in big groups. I think I prefer to be alone both by choice and by consequence. By choice because I don't feel like I need to change and become more sociable. By consequence because my personality has been influenced by my upbringing, my genes, the experiences I have lived, etc.

There is a link between my asexuality and my introversion. It's not cause-effect, but they are definitely connected. It's not like I couldn't be asexual and extroverted, or sexual and introverted, that's not what I mean. I just think that both are important components of what I am and many times both make me act in a certain way. For example, I don't enjoy parties because: a) there are many people talking about nonsense and showing off and b) there's a lot of flirting and sexual behaviour involved. So, I don't enjoy parties because I'm introverted and asexual. Not sure if this makes sense, but here are my thougts on the topic

[aland]

loner by circumstances, I have a fantastic group of friends that I can rely, trust and love 150% but i live on my own and have done for the last 2 years, I was also a lone worker when I did dememtia support so only spoke to others occasionally, that was tough when I was on shift for 4 days. at least with the net i speak to friends daily on fb. Love my own company at times but do miss having someone with me at times, dont even have any live animals due to work. stuffed bear does the job though :redface:

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I'm extremely independent and introverted, and just like some others upthread - I don't think it has much to do with my demisexuality, except inasmuch as not wanting (and chasing) depersonalised sex means that I'm not forced to go out and be social in the quest to "get some". :lol:

I'm not sure I would necessarily call myself a "loner" per se, not in an absolute sense. I'm not misanthropic, I'm simply introverted and like my own head space. It's sort of like a very strong embodiment of independence, in which I want nearly absolute freedom of association, rather than being in any sense "tied" to people in a routine where large chunks of that association would become involuntary.

eg. The traditional idea of serious "domestic partnership" type relationships (ie marriage) makes my skin crawl, though I think I might consider it in a limited way with the right person and under the right circumstances someday. But the point is, it's not something that's a given, the way it seems to be almost genetically programmed into most people to want to settle down into that. I'm happy living alone.

[DexM]

They(the Doctors)say I have a personality disorder which prevents me from making bonds in social situations,that I find it difficult to mix because these bonds can't be made and it effects my life in a negative way.

I say,codswallop,garbage,poppycock and absoulute tosh.I just don't like going out.I like the comfort of my house,my room and I don't suffer fools gladly.I don't feel the need to yak on about nothing.@aland and @Syatten I have a lot of those same feelings as you two and really only talk to 5 people every week.

I enjoy it,but in socities eyes I am strange.

[Janus the Fox]

I am alone not because of choice, but because I'm at my happiest doing so. I don't feel lonlieness nor feel any desire to socially interact on part of it being impossible to interact normally. If being asexual influenced this then probably not. Autism/Aspergers having an impact... Eh... Don't care really... 

[daveb]

I can identify with a lot of what CBC.Radio.Girl and MadRat said, as well as some of the other things others said about being an introvert and shy and enjoying time alone, but also occasionally wanting some human contact or companionship, especially with 1 or 2 close friends or other sorts of relationships. I'm a solitary person because I value my time alone, because I need time alone to "recharge", because I enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom to do my own thing. I'm alone because I'm not good at making friends, because I don't enjoy the awkward "getting to know someone" part of establishing relationships, and because I'm wary and suspicious of entanglements that might take up too much of my valuable free time. Sometimes I'm lonely because I have no one nearby to share good times or bad. I'm a very private person, and I am far too good at keeping people at a distance.

I don't think my asexuality and my introversion are linked.

[mariposa]

I fluctuate between being a loner, and sometimes being a bit social, depending on how I am feeling, and who I am around. Though, my tendencies are towards introversion; I can be gregarious if I happen to meet someone with an open/accepting/relaxed spirit. Animals, children, and people who embrace their inner child definitely bring out my playful side.

Dave b put it well when he said, "I'm a solitary person because I value my time alone, because I need time alone to "recharge", because I enjoy the peace and quiet and freedom to do my own thing."

That is how I am also. It is important for me to have time alone everyday, and I guard my schedule to allow myself this. Since I have raised children, to find this alone time, I would get up at 5 am to do my prayers and devotion and get my mind and spirit ready for a busy day. Now, with almost an empty nest, I have more time for myself.

I like to walk and hike alone to enjoy the solitude of nature and all its amazing beauty. I enjoy deep conversations with another, however, there needs to be some established trust between that person and myself. Privacy is very important to me.

Not much for small talk, never have been, although, it is a work in progress to participate in, to practice being more sociable.

I think there is some connection between my "loner" attitude and asexuality. I would agree with Syattan quote... " For example, I don't enjoy parties because: a) there are many people talking about nonsense and showing off and b) there's a lot of flirting and sexual behaviour involved. So, I don't enjoy parties because I'm introverted and asexual." And, adding my 2 cents to that, I find some conversations are just TMI - ewwww!

Spent many years being married. I have been single for 8 years and enjoy being a single parent, and making my own decisions about my life, and relaxing into who I am. Living on my own agrees with my deep need for freedom and independence. And with that being said, I am a romantic at heart, and believe that companionship and love is a beautiful thing, just maybe with an asexual with separate residences so we both have the space to be loners :lol: .

[Vampyremage]

I am quite the introvert and used to be very much a loner. Now days, however, not so much and I think that has a lot to do with finding the right group of people to associate with. Having more than a couple of people i feel close to us a new experience and one I'm still getting used to. I still need a significant amount of my own space, however, especially when I need to recharge my energy. I do not believe my introversion is in any way related to my asexuality.

[Scuba]

Interesting question and answers, for me I have to have a split personality. I have my work life, where I run part of a company, I am required to be quite extrovert, deal with people I work with on a daily basis and interact with external client, I have one face that I put on and people believe that I am a very confident, knowledgeable and likable person, but on the other side the hobbies that I have are very singular and I enjoy my own company in this respect and during this time I am a loner as they all have a single focus that does not require others. I would not consider myself lonely as I am lucky enough to have family and friends that understand my quirky personality.

To answer your question regarding stand-oafishness, for me, I think it is a mix of asexuality and a need for mental stimulation, coming originally from a country driven by a pub culture, nothing was more boring that sitting in a pub with drunk people who are drooling over a set of boobs or a football match and I think my gradual move towards individual pursuits was driven by this desire to discover things for myself. I am never happier than when I am with my camera in a park or the countryside and anyone here who has said that they are lonely but do not want to face people, I would say get a camera, you can enjoy your own creations or interact with people on the web and its just about photography and there is nothing personal or judgmental involved. For me it changed my life!

[powassan]

i spent most of my childhood alone, and i have carried that mentality with me into adulthood. there are times in which i have been social (mainly career-driven activities), but it has always been forced. i have mild aspergers, and on top of being asexual, i am used to being excluded from the mainstream. but you know, i wouldn't want it any other way. i am a very independent person, and am capable of so many things that have been learned through working alone. i don't rely on others for exclusive emotional support, and my life is very "clear-cut" and manageable. when i see the drama and destruction that people create through sexual/emotional/physical ties with one another, it makes me cherish the opportunities i've been given.

to quote larry david, "a date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone." :lol:

mind you, sometimes i feel lonely because i am unable to form relationships with people who respect my (a)sexuality and won't pressure me to conform to some ridiculous description of "normal" that has been handed down through generations of ignorant thinkers.

wow, i'm rambling.. sorry!

[Ace McHeeb]

I wear solitude like a warm blanket on a rainy day. I find it very comforting. I love long drives in R.H.O.N.D.A. the Honda. I like going to the movies by myself, hanging out at the mall by myself. I've never had many friends, and even now, my closest best friends live at least 1,000 miles away. I live 70 miles from where I work AND in a different time zone! Facebook is where I go to be a social butterfly. That's where I can let my hair down (metaphorically speaking, since I shave my head) and have free reign to be as crazy and as outspoken as I wish. I have my Kindle, my phone, my laptop, my Roku, and most importantly, R.H.O.N.D.A the Honda for company.

OH! And my Legos.

[Tanwen]

Well...don't have 'Roku' - have a phone, laptop and a Nissan :) . When I went to buy the car, I'd done all my research and had but one question for the salesman : "Will my Labrador fit in the boot (trunk)? I remove the parcel shelf though :lol:

[LaMaestra]

I have always been a loner. This is by choice. Most people are not worth bothering with.

[Ziffler]

Interesting question and answers, for me I have to have a split personality. I have my work life, where I run part of a company, I am required to be quite extrovert, deal with people I work with on a daily basis and interact with external client, I have one face that I put on and people believe that I am a very confident, knowledgeable and likable person, but on the other side the hobbies that I have are very singular and I enjoy my own company in this respect and during this time I am a loner as they all have a single focus that does not require others. I would not consider myself lonely as I am lucky enough to have family and friends that understand my quirky personality.

To answer your question regarding stand-oafishness, for me, I think it is a mix of asexuality and a need for mental stimulation, coming originally from a country driven by a pub culture, nothing was more boring that sitting in a pub with drunk people who are drooling over a set of boobs or a football match and I think my gradual move towards individual pursuits was driven by this desire to discover things for myself. I am never happier than when I am with my camera in a park or the countryside and anyone here who has said that they are lonely but do not want to face people, I would say get a camera, you can enjoy your own creations or interact with people on the web and its just about photography and there is nothing personal or judgmental involved. For me it changed my life!

Scouba Boy, In that I am similar. I work in retail which means I "HAVE" to be social and outgoing. The people I work with believe me to be extroverted and sociable. It is an act. LOL. One I have gotten very accomplished at pulling off successfully.

But as soon as work is over, I return to the comfort of my home alone. When I want to go out, I go to a campground where I can run around nude and be by myself in the woods and at the lake and on trails. I so enjoy my lone time.

So yes, I put on two faces. But the real face is the introverted loner.

[DracoBorealis]

It's mostly by choice. But I'm not really the Most Wanted Person either.

Okay, this may sound like a rant (and I may use some generalization for point-making purposes), but here goes.

Be warned, wall of rambling text incoming!

Thing is, for as long as I have lived, people have shunned me. Sure, I have always differed from the standard -I don't think the way the average Finnish woman of adult years does. I don't behave that way. I AM not that way.

What I am is an introvert who was born with a severe case of the foot-in-mouth syndrome and little to none of social skills. I don't talk much, but I do love to listen. Well, mostly anyway. I have very little trust in people -there are currently only three people I trust, myself included- and do not talk about personal stuff.

Since I'm far off the norm (adult female who, for example: 1) is asexual/does not do relationships 2) is not social 3) does not have nor want children 4) works in the steel industry, doing what is traditionally considered men's work 5) loves music more than anything else 6) plays and builds guitars 7) does not drink or smoke etc. etc.) I'm considered a quirk. And quirks are something you either try to "fix" or just ignore them.

Most people just ignore. Those who attempt to fix me (in whatever ways, be it simple holier-than-thou lecturing or something else) usually get furious when they fail, and start down the war path.

As I have mentioned, I do not talk about personal stuff. But some things are always found out one way or another.

Although my life choices and preferences do not show on the outside, I'm still shunned by most people. Sure, having a robust physique and tattoos will repel certain people, but even when I was a kid it was like I had some kind of force field around me that either made me invisible or averted people from me. Even those who had never seen me before and did not know the first thing about me.

And even then, when it came to conversations, I was never on the same page with anyone. Not even in the same book. I was always like "Sheesh, doesn't he/she know ANYTHING about this world and what's going on?" and the other would look at me all confused and go "WTF?" every ten seconds.

I learned to read at a very young age, and have always been a sucker for information. It annoyed me then and it annoys me now when I'm surrounded with people who know very little about anything that doesn't directly involve them. I am not interested in shallow small talk about the pair of pants you bought or who got engaged to whom or how your dog puked all over the new carpet you bought from that ridiculously expensive shop next to your hairdresser's. I especially am not interested in your bodily functions or the resulting substances (some people can have an eight-hour long in-depth conversation about poop, my own mother being one of them).

I will listen, but don't think I wouldn't want to change the subject (but since I respect you as a person -as I value courtesy above most things in life, I have a sense of general respect towards everyone- and you cannot read body language, I won't ;) ).

When I do talk, I tend to get confused (partly due to me being a polyglot, I tend to think in English and translate what I intend to say into Finnish and sometimes I cannot find the proper Finnish words) or I simply cannot make any sense or point. What I wish to say is right there, balancing on the tip of my tongue, but just won't come out right.

When it comes to certain things, I'm very easily insulted.

My interests are things that usually only males like to talk about, but since I am female, few men take me seriously enough to have proper conversation with. Or, they immediately try to leverage the hell out of the situation in order to get into my pants.

When it comes to my personal ideas and theories, people usually think I'm just being stupid. I'm rarely, if ever, taken seriously.

Anyway, as stated, people are shy of me. I may offer assistance with something and the person I'm offering it to will pretty much just run away (this is particularly true at work, both day- and volunteer-. A person may refuse help from me but accept it from the one next to me). No one will walk up to me just to say hi -at least not without wanting something. But I am shy of people too. Despite longing for thought-sharing and such, I have no particular desire or need for company. I'm very much a solitary person who loves being on her own. I live alone, always have, and have never had more than a handful of friends. I don't make friends easily, mostly due to my lack of trust in people (trust and respect are entirely different things). I find it very difficult to connect with anyone. If there is no connection, there is no point.

I have several hobbies and enjoy them alone, go to the cinema, concerts, fairs -alone. And I love it. I tried Facebook, but found it the most tiresome and trivial thing ever. Click-click, profile deleted. AVEN is the only site I bother coming to right now. I have deleted most of my accounts everywhere, save for my Myspace artist page and dA (both of which I haven't visited in a long, long time).

But, to be honest -just because I love being alone and wouldn't change it for the world, that doesn't mean I don't feel lonely every now and then. If there was someone who would accept me as I am, someone who wouldn't try and get close to me only to use me, someone to have a good time and talk with, I wouldn't mind. I could never have company 24/7 -I would go homicidal- but just sometimes, it would be nice. It's not something I'll go looking for, as it would be akin to looking for a needle not just in a haystack, but in a whole hay field, and I would likely end up making way too many enemies in the process. Especially given my tendency of attracting the worst the society has to offer -but that's a whole other story. One can still daydream, right? :)

[Tanwen]

The 'social' face of retail - know it intimately. Soon as I go through the doors separating the 'Staff Only' area to the shop floor, the 'face' goes in place.

Unfortunately, I'm only ever alone in my bedroom - it's my sanctuary! My dogs provide all the company I really need and even they aren't allowed upstairs.

[A-Critter]

It's mostly by choice. But I'm not really the Most Wanted Person either.

Okay, this may sound like a rant (and I may use some generalization for point-making purposes), but here goes.

Be warned, wall of rambling text incoming!

...

Well, I at least enjoyed reading your cri de coeur, thank you for writing. There may be more people than you might think in the world who sympathize with your viewpoint.