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Guest member25959

Before you ask ''Am I asexual''...

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Guest member25959

You'll probably want to read through these things first;

Frequently Asked Questions - AVENwiki - Advanced Search - The answer you're probably looking for



And keep these things in mind...

[a]For the love of God, don't revive any old threads. Reading is good.
[ь]You can edit the Wiki, see here.
[c]You're probably thinking ''I can answer these questions!'' No no no, see below!

  • You've probably read through some of the other Q&A threads (.. I hope!), so you'll have some idea of how often this very question gets repeated (veeeeery often), in fact I'm willing to bet that it's the single most repeated question on AVEN! Jackpot!
  • But of course, we're ain't you, you are you. Obvious statement is obvious, but it has some relevancy here. No matter how thoroughly you describe your experiences, we cannot pass judgment on them (no we really can't, see below)
  • Thus, we (the members), can't really judge you or your sexuality, only you can do this! Yes granted, feedback may be necessary, but so is reading the FAQ (see above) and reading though past informative posts.
  • Not to mention, we're (the members) not trained professionals, we can only offer our observations based on what information you give us.
  • And one last point... we can't tell you what you are. No really, we actually can't, it breaks rules. We can't post and say ''Yes you're asexual'' or ''No you're not''... that'd be way too easy, but sorry, but this would get us into trouble.

So there ya go. Still got some questions? Questions that can't be answered by the FAQ? Answers that can't be found in the AVENwiki? Answers that couldn't be found by searching through past posts? Well, the chances are... the questions couldn't be answered by our members (or it's a new and unique question). But you could give it a try and ask, it's always worth a try right?


That's it for now! If you're still wondering ''Am I asexual?'' (hopefully not, eh!)... well then, allow our Q&A forum to serve its purpose, take it out for a spin and ask your question! But please, for the sake of my dwindling sanity, choose a more creative title, something that hasn't been repeated a few billion times over. Please.

Just keep this in mind: Ultimately, it's your identity, and only you can decide how you identify. Really, if some random people on the 'net choose your identity for you, is it really your identity?

... is it friendly enough yet??

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Lintu

I sorta giggled, but I like and approve of this! :cake:

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Philip027

Hey, you're a mod person, you're probably smart enough to know! Can you tell me if I'm asexual?

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Lady Girl

This should totally be pinned. Really.

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WünderBâhr

This should totally be pinned. Really.

I agree and have done so. Arca, I also edited your post to make points a, b, and c more legible.

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Sally

Yay, Arca! We should add a comment to this topic every so often to keep it near the top of the list.

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Guest member25959

This should totally be pinned. Really.

I agree and have done so. Arca, I also edited your post to make points a, b, and c more legible.

Thanks! I agree they are more legible now.

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Janus DarkFox

Brilliant place to start for new members, something like this should made for the Welcome Lounge but otherwise this thread was a long time comming.  

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Murmur

This should have been done a long fucking time ago. :ph34r:

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WünderBâhr

Well, it's been done now. Yay. *throws confetti* Now we can enjoy the benefits of having it.

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Purnkin Spurce

You'll probably want to read through these things;

And keep these things in mind...

[a]For the love of God, don't revive any old threads. Reading is good.

[ь]You can edit the Wiki, see here.

[c]You're probably thinking ''I can answer these questions!'' No, see below.

  1. You've probably read through some of the other Q&A threads (I presume... I hope), so you'll have some idea of how often this very question gets repeated (very often), in fact I'm willing to bet quite a large sum that it's the single most repeated question on AVEN.
  2. We are not you, you are you. Obvious statement is obvious but it has relevancy here. No matter how thoroughly you describe your experiences, we cannot pass judgment on them (see below)
  3. Thus, we (the members) can't really form a truly correct statement on you or your sexuality, only you can do this. Yes, granted, feedback may be necessary, but so is reading the FAQ (see above) and reading though past posts.
  4. Not to mention, we're (the members) not trained professionals, we can only offer our observations based on what information you give us.
  5. And one last point... we can't tell you what you are. No really, we actually can't, it goes against the rules. We can't come out and say ''Yes you're asexual'' or ''No you're not''. Sorry, but this will get you into trouble.

Still got some questions, questions that can't be answered by the FAQ? Answers that can't be found in the AVENwiki? Answers that couldn't be found by searching through past posts? Well, the chances are... the questions couldn't be answered by our members.

That's it for now. If you're still wondering ''Am I asexual?'' (hopefully not), well then, allow the Q&A to serve its purpose! But please, for the sake of my dwindling sanity, choose a more creative title, something that hasn't been repeated a few billion times over. Please.

Just keep this in mind: In the end, it's your identity, only you can decide on how you identify.

Hi, out of context, but where'd you get that cute paw symbol?

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Guest member25959

You'll probably want to read through these things;

And keep these things in mind...

[a]For the love of God, don't revive any old threads. Reading is good.

[ь]You can edit the Wiki, see here.

[c]You're probably thinking ''I can answer these questions!'' No, see below.

  1. You've probably read through some of the other Q&A threads (I presume... I hope), so you'll have some idea of how often this very question gets repeated (very often), in fact I'm willing to bet quite a large sum that it's the single most repeated question on AVEN.
  2. We are not you, you are you. Obvious statement is obvious but it has relevancy here. No matter how thoroughly you describe your experiences, we cannot pass judgment on them (see below)
  3. Thus, we (the members) can't really form a truly correct statement on you or your sexuality, only you can do this. Yes, granted, feedback may be necessary, but so is reading the FAQ (see above) and reading though past posts.
  4. Not to mention, we're (the members) not trained professionals, we can only offer our observations based on what information you give us.
  5. And one last point... we can't tell you what you are. No really, we actually can't, it goes against the rules. We can't come out and say ''Yes you're asexual'' or ''No you're not''. Sorry, but this will get you into trouble.

Still got some questions, questions that can't be answered by the FAQ? Answers that can't be found in the AVENwiki? Answers that couldn't be found by searching through past posts? Well, the chances are... the questions couldn't be answered by our members.

That's it for now. If you're still wondering ''Am I asexual?'' (hopefully not), well then, allow the Q&A to serve its purpose! But please, for the sake of my dwindling sanity, choose a more creative title, something that hasn't been repeated a few billion times over. Please.

Just keep this in mind: In the end, it's your identity, only you can decide on how you identify.

Hi, out of context, but where'd you get that cute paw symbol?

http://asexual-deviants.deviantart.com/#/dpeloe

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AthenaCain

I took it out of my intro post, maybe it fits in here and is useful for a discussion about what as means ?

Hi ! and thanks for welcome !

But after reading a bit of the definitions, I'm still not sure, whether I fit the identity of asexual, because in my understanding "asexual" means to not feel a sexdrive/any need to have sex, (which is typically/normally the case for physically undeveloped children, before they enter puberty and the hormons start to affect them.) An adult, who feels a need for sexual stimulation (mastrubation, porn-watching,sex toys,erotic novels, fetish material...) in order to satisfy his/her sexdrive and feel physically well, isn't asxuell, even if this need is very low and rarely occurs,e.g.like only once a year.

Only an adult person, who never felt it in all her/his life is, imo, asexual.

Otherwise it's like a person telling you, that s/he's a vegetarian, but saying in the same sentence, that s/he had a big steak for lunch, imo.

That something (porn, fantasy about people...) doesn't stimulate you, imo, means that you have chosen the wrong stimulus, but not that nothing can ever stimulate you, due to asexuality.

Although having a sex drive, a person might not enjoy intercourse/oral/anal, S/M, particular positions or any other particular kind of sexual practice,including sex with a partner, that doesn't make a person asexual,imo, but simply not "a fan" of this kind of sex.

The same goes for a person, who prefers mastrubation to sex with a partner, it's just a different practice of sex. To me,imo,calling myself asexual and mastrubate sounds like saying "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat fish." So, a fish is not a living animal to you, only chickens, pigs and cows are ?

Celibacy for religious or other reasons etc. isn't asexual either, because you still feel the sexual needs and attraction to people, but don't act on it. The same goes for any forced celibacy in countries which supress sexuality.

Not acting on ones sex drive and attraction out of fear, shyness etc. is an inhibition, but not asexual (although it might look like it to the outside world).

Not feeling attracted to a particular person, but nevertheless having sex with him/her, sounds not desirable to me at all. Sure, I understand that it's physically possible (prostitution, sex as a duty of the wife/husband, curiosity, ego-boost, expression of love, aggression/demonstration of power etc.), but it's, imo, like eating food that you don't like and won't make you happy.

Every sexual person would turn "asexual" with a person, s/he doesn't find attractive or one that becomes unattractive after a while to them. So in this cases, the asexuality isn't a trait of the first person, but caused by the circumstances (= the lacking sexyness of the other person s/he is with).

But only feeling attracted to a small number of people, only once in a while and not being able to have sex with this persons, because a) they reject you b) aren't available to you due to circumstances that you can't influence doesn't make a person asexual. >>> This is my case ! With the right person, I think I would be as sexual as any other person.

An "asexual romantic relationship" sounds to me like friendship, which I have with many people of both sexes, but wouldn't call it more than a platonic relationship.

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WhenSummersGone

I can agree with some of that ^ and I'm having a hard time actually being completely comfortable with the label asexual.

I disagree that a romantic relationship is just friendship though, because I have been more than friends with a few people. Some people I'm just friends with without romance and others I want to be in a relationship with. I wouldn't say I'm in a relationship with my friends, I would just say I have a friendship with my friends. At least that's how I see it.

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yomarbles

Great post, I'd also like to add that there's really not even a reason to label yourself..... Asexual, gray-a, aromantic, demisexual, these are all just terms we use to help convey our current feelings to people. Those feelings could very possibly change throughout your lifetime, because life changes. Until we die we're constantly growing and discovering new things about ourselves, and why ever constrict yourself under any type of label? If you feel comfortable identifying as asexual, that's great. If you're not comfortable identifying as asexual, that's okay too. If you feel like you connect and can relate to the people on this forum, and exploring your asexual feelings helps you understand yourself better and what you're looking for in life, then go ahead and chat a while. A lot of us will never be interested in sex, some of us will be. Some of us used to be interested in sex, but aren't anymore. Some of us went through experiences that caused our asexuality, and some of us have always been this way. There are no set of rules, and there shouldn't be. The reason we're all here is to talk to other people who understand our feelings. You don't have to be asexual, straight, gay, bi. Nobody is asking you to identify as anything.

If I can make an assumption, I would say most of the "Am I asexual" posts are probably written by people who are young. While you're young, you're going to try to define yourself by your sexual orientation, your political stance, your religion, your body type, your family or friends, whatever it is you've decided makes you who you are. As you get older you'll start to understand that all of that is only external, it's not who you are. You don't have try to figure out who you are, you can just do what feels natural and let yourself experience it.

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TheJaneWay

I was always under the impression that asexual meant to feel no desire to relieve sexual tension (assuming you are afflicted with such) via another person. So in this way it isn't not acting on sexual urges with other people (celibacy) because that is elective, it would be closer to not feeling any desire to interact on a sexual level with anyone else.

I know of a number of people who identify as asexual and masturbate (some quite regularly) via whatever method tickles their fancy, so to speak. The key here is that they do it independently of anyone else. I am not one of them, I must add, but their claim to asexuality is no weaker than mine simply because they experience arousal.

Not sure if this helps or is even at all relevant, but I hope so!

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hugh

I took it out of my intro post, maybe it fits in here and is useful for a discussion about what as means ?

Hi ! and thanks for welcome !

But after reading a bit of the definitions, I'm still not sure, whether I fit the identity of asexual, because in my understanding "asexual" means to not feel a sexdrive/any need to have sex, (which is typically/normally the case for physically undeveloped children, before they enter puberty and the hormons start to affect them.) An adult, who feels a need for sexual stimulation (mastrubation, porn-watching,sex toys,erotic novels, fetish material...) in order to satisfy his/her sexdrive and feel physically well, isn't asxuell, even if this need is very low and rarely occurs,e.g.like only once a year.

Only an adult person, who never felt it in all her/his life is, imo, asexual.

Otherwise it's like a person telling you, that s/he's a vegetarian, but saying in the same sentence, that s/he had a big steak for lunch, imo.

That something (porn, fantasy about people...) doesn't stimulate you, imo, means that you have chosen the wrong stimulus, but not that nothing can ever stimulate you, due to asexuality.

Although having a sex drive, a person might not enjoy intercourse/oral/anal, S/M, particular positions or any other particular kind of sexual practice,including sex with a partner, that doesn't make a person asexual,imo, but simply not "a fan" of this kind of sex.

The same goes for a person, who prefers mastrubation to sex with a partner, it's just a different practice of sex. To me,imo,calling myself asexual and mastrubate sounds like saying "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat fish." So, a fish is not a living animal to you, only chickens, pigs and cows are ?

Celibacy for religious or other reasons etc. isn't asexual either, because you still feel the sexual needs and attraction to people, but don't act on it. The same goes for any forced celibacy in countries which supress sexuality.

Not acting on ones sex drive and attraction out of fear, shyness etc. is an inhibition, but not asexual (although it might look like it to the outside world).

Not feeling attracted to a particular person, but nevertheless having sex with him/her, sounds not desirable to me at all. Sure, I understand that it's physically possible (prostitution, sex as a duty of the wife/husband, curiosity, ego-boost, expression of love, aggression/demonstration of power etc.), but it's, imo, like eating food that you don't like and won't make you happy.

Every sexual person would turn "asexual" with a person, s/he doesn't find attractive or one that becomes unattractive after a while to them. So in this cases, the asexuality isn't a trait of the first person, but caused by the circumstances (= the lacking sexyness of the other person s/he is with).

But only feeling attracted to a small number of people, only once in a while and not being able to have sex with this persons, because a) they reject you b) aren't available to you due to circumstances that you can't influence doesn't make a person asexual. >>> This is my case ! With the right person, I think I would be as sexual as any other person.

An "asexual romantic relationship" sounds to me like friendship, which I have with many people of both sexes, but wouldn't call it more than a platonic relationship.

well i can tell you now im 36 and i have tried ALL types of sexual activitys and i do mean all and in every case i had to force myself to engage in them just so i could figure out what i was and wasnt and none of it made me excited spose i am the asexual

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richvidaurri

Athena, the question then is: Has there been a Rigth Person in your past? That should put any doubts to rest. If the answer is no, then we'll go to Plan B.

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ithaca
But after reading a bit of the definitions, I'm still not sure, whether I fit the identity of asexual, because in my understanding "asexual" means to not feel a sexdrive/any need to have sex, (which is typically/normally the case for physically undeveloped children, before they enter puberty and the hormons start to affect them.) An adult, who feels a need for sexual stimulation (mastrubation, porn-watching,sex toys,erotic novels, fetish material...) in order to satisfy his/her sexdrive and feel physically well, isn't asxuell, even if this need is very low and rarely occurs,e.g.like only once a year.

Only an adult person, who never felt it in all her/his life is, imo, asexual.

Otherwise it's like a person telling you, that s/he's a vegetarian, but saying in the same sentence, that s/he had a big steak for lunch, imo.

That something (porn, fantasy about people...) doesn't stimulate you, imo, means that you have chosen the wrong stimulus, but not that nothing can ever stimulate you, due to asexuality.

Although having a sex drive, a person might not enjoy intercourse/oral/anal, S/M, particular positions or any other particular kind of sexual practice,including sex with a partner, that doesn't make a person asexual,imo, but simply not "a fan" of this kind of sex.

The same goes for a person, who prefers mastrubation to sex with a partner, it's just a different practice of sex. To me,imo,calling myself asexual and mastrubate sounds like saying "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat fish." So, a fish is not a living animal to you, only chickens, pigs and cows are ?

Celibacy for religious or other reasons etc. isn't asexual either, because you still feel the sexual needs and attraction to people, but don't act on it. The same goes for any forced celibacy in countries which supress sexuality.

I see where you're coming from, it's a discussion we've had many many times, but the libido/sex drive vs asexuality thing you said isn't really how it works, though. Libido and sexual attraction are quite different things, and you can experience libido without experiencing sexual attraction. Sexual orientations are only based on whom people feel sexually attracted to. Homosexual means attracted to the same (=homo) gender, heterosexual means attracted to the opposite (=different) gender, bisexual to both (=two), asexual to none.

The "A" before -sexuality doesn't mean "no sexuality at all so no masturbation and alike either", it just means "not attracted to anyone in a sexual way". It's a common misunderstanding due to language though, so I understand the need to discuss it.

As for age, there's no real need to say "only adults" because otherwise we could say that only on your death-bed you could know whether we have ever felt sexual attraction to anyone in your life ;) "Asexual" is a word, a label people can identify with no matter the age. If they turn out to understand they're not asexual after all, they can change label. This has happened to both young and adult people, so there's no way to know when everyone will know for sure :) It's a very subjective thing.

As for finding one, two, a bunch or just very few people sexually attractive in a lifetime, that's not "standard-sexual" either, and that's why we have a grey-area that can help people identify and feel more accepted. The whole point of AVEN is to be more inclusive, not exclusive :cake:

I hope AVEN has helped/will help you figure out your orientation and answer any questions you may have.

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tjmichaels

I'm really glad this is here. When I was part of the LGBTQ community, I felt so pressured to be a certain way, a way I didn't fit into. I was a straight acting boy in an extremely flamboyant and feminist community. It's nice to know I can be me, and not have anyone define what I am!

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alison.wonderland

...The same goes for a person, who prefers mastrubation to sex with a partner, it's just a different practice of sex. To me,imo,calling myself asexual and mastrubate sounds like saying "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat fish." So, a fish is not a living animal to you, only chickens, pigs and cows are ?...

-- I disagree 100%. I can masturbate at will and it has absolutely zero to do with having a sex drive. If I masturbate, which can be spaced with years in between, it is out of sheer boredom or just to see how it's going down there, lol. There's no fantasizing, no love, no sense of needing to release nor climax...do you understand?

.

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Walkablesun

Phew... Lucky me for starting my exploration of the forum at the Q&A section!

Saves you a headache Arca :p

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Vilde

I see how this question is annoying/exasperating/whatever to people who have been here for long, but you can't blame people for asking.

1. Most people haven't been taught about this, they haven't been shown it through movies, books, TV, etc, it might just be confusing and you don't know how the different variations of asexuality look practically and so on.

2. A lot of people, myself included, doesn't want to believe it. I would LOVE for someone to explain to me, in a way that makes sense, how I'm not actually asexual and I will go on to have great and satisfying sexual experiences in the future. And I want this because it would make my life so much EASIER, seeing as how I want to have romantic relationships and the likelihood of running into another asexual, finding them attractive and interesting, falling in love, being compatible, etc, is... well, none, as far as I can guess.

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friedchickenftw

http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/attraction ... this is a really good site i found about asexuality, it says asexual ppl sometimes masturbate but not because they feel a sexual attraction towards anything specific, they just like how it gives them physical pleasure, i think it related to something u said in your post

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lanm1192

lmao oops... I did title it differently though. sometimes more experienced people's opinions help lol.

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warp1engaged

I get where this is coming from, Im still new here but I imagine seeing "Am I asexual" all the time gets old...But, people are coming here because they are confused, want help, and have no one else to talk to regarding their confusion. This post seems to discourage them from that....Ive been here about a month and I read this before posting and it definitely discouraged me from posting right away. Lets all try and remember what it was like to feel confused about your sexuality, its tough. Im still at that point now and could use all the advice I can get.

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Xavy

I didn't join AVEN looking for the answer to if I am asexual or not, I joined already knowing this, having done my research. However, I get that very young people may still be confused when they join AVEN, so I am not surprised by the "am I asexual" threads. I don't see the harm in this, surely AVEN is a place where tolerance of others exists naturally, no ?

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Jamlastsforages

I agree. Considering this is the first post I read when I visited this website, I don't feel particularly welcomed. Not everyone finds it so easy to work out what they are, whether they simply want to be able to label themselves, which there is nothing wrong with, or they want to determine whether what they're feeling is normal, a disorder, or something else. Surely, if people want to try and work this out, then this is the best place to come? It is very difficult to work out something like this without getting advice from people who are already experiencing it. So you're bored of seeing these threads all the time? So people who are genuinely anxious/concerned/confused about it should keep quiet? Just because you don't like to read the same thing over and over? I thought this website was supposed to help people, not push them away.

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Sally

I agree. Considering this is the first post I read when I visited this website, I don't feel particularly welcomed. Not everyone finds it so easy to work out what they are, whether they simply want to be able to label themselves, which there is nothing wrong with, or they want to determine whether what they're feeling is normal, a disorder, or something else. Surely, if people want to try and work this out, then this is the best place to come? It is very difficult to work out something like this without getting advice from people who are already experiencing it. So you're bored of seeing these threads all the time? So people who are genuinely anxious/concerned/confused about it should keep quiet? Just because you don't like to read the same thing over and over? I thought this website was supposed to help people, not push them away.

We certainly aren't trying to push people away. But we're trying to explain that we CAN'T -- and shouldn't try to -- tell people whether they're asexual or not. The only advice we can reasonably give is to 1) read what you can on AVEN about asexuality, and then 2) decide whether you want to label yourself, or just let yourself live your life and your life will eventually demonstrate what you are. Besides you -- and that's really who you are, YOU.

I went through a long life wondering why I just couldn't get myself to want or enjoy sex with other people. Once I found AVEN, I knew. Sometimes it takes just plain living -- when you've done so, and you read something, then maybe a light will go on.

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alli.efeelink

Although having a sex drive, a person might not enjoy intercourse/oral/anal, S/M, particular positions or any other particular kind of sexual practice,including sex with a partner,is he /she asexual?

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