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Josie09

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Hi,

I wanted to introduce myself, my story, and hopefully get a bit of advice. My name is Josie and I'm a sexual female. I haven't been in any serious relationships yet, so I am very inexperienced when it comes to what I want as well as what I'm looking for. This past year I moved to a new area due to a job and joined an online dating site in hopes of finding people to hang out with and maybe meet someone. About a month after joining the site, I got a message from this guy and we clicked immediately (at least I think so) even though he lives across the country. We talked every day for about 2 months and then we decided to meet in person (he was visiting family on my side of the country). This was a bit odd for me because I met him and his family all in the same day (it was a bit of a whirlwind but an awesome experience). Anyway, we continued talking and I decided that as part of my summer vacation I would go out to visit him. Now, up to this point we didn't really talk about a "relationship" but I did ask him if he was interested in more than friends. He said yes, but he wanted to talk in person, so we held off this conversation until I got out to him during the summer.

9 months later... I went out to visit. I was a having a lot of fun, but also a bit confused. I traveled across the country (literally) to hang out with this guy and anytime I tried to get close he seemed to back away. I really liked him, and couldn't understand why he wasn't trying to make any advances at all. Anyway I decided we needed to have the conversation about our "relationship" in order to put my mind at rest. I really was hoping for it to develop beyond friendship, but how he was reacting I wasn't sure if he was on the same page. So we decided to walk and have this conversation.

During this first conversation he explained to me that he's just never been attracted to anyone. That he really liked me, but he could never be physically attracted to me. He also explained that this was just who he was and had nothing to do with a bad experience, trauma, or chemical imbalance. He continued to say that he was fine with holding hands, light touching, and eventually kissing, but that he wouldn't feel anything in return. I asked him if he would be uncomfortable with it and he responded that he was more concerned about my comfort with the situation. Honestly, this wasn't what I was expecting. Like I said I've been very inexperienced with relationships, so I didn't even know that not feeling attraction was something that people experienced. We left the conversation at that and continued to hang out.

I thought over the next couple of days he would try to hold my hand since he said that he was okay with that. However, anytime I tried to hold his hand he might hold it for about 5 seconds and then he would pull away. When he pulled away I would drop it and not try again. However, there was still no definition on what kind of relationship it was and honestly I was still a bit confused by what he told me. So, I asked for another conversation so we could discuss this further...

This conversation went very differently from the first one. This one he used the term asexual and explained to me the problems with asexual/sexual relationships. He said that it was unhealthy for either person to fake anything and that would be unfair to both parties involved. He also explained how ideally it would be easier for an asexual/asexual relationship rather than trying to mix. He also explained that the reason for him wanting a relationship was because he eventually wants to have children. He ended the conversation saying that I should do more research on what asexuality was before we had another conversation. This is what brought me to this forum.

Anyway I did a bit of research and read a lot of posts on this site as well as a couple of others. I have a better understanding of what asexuality is now, and honestly feel a bit better that some people have made mixed relationships work. I still really like him, and I think we connect really well emotionally as well as intellectually (which is a big thing for me). However, after our last conversation I don't know if he's still interested. I would really like to try to attempt a relationship and come up with a way to make this work. I hope that we can find some compromise so that I can still feel satisfied while also not making him feel awkward about anything physical.

I wanted to have a conversation with him today (which was my last day visiting him). I told him as such and we decided to take another walk after dinner. However, after dinner my ride to the airport came early and this conversation never happened. I'm a bit disappointed that we couldn't have this conversation in person and regret not being a bit more adamant about talking before I left. He is planning on visiting me in September and will be staying with me during this time. I could wait until then to have this conversation about what I've learned and what I want in a relationship (and if we want this to be a relationship), but I don't know if I can wait 2 more months... I also don't want to wait around for him and then he decide that this isn't something that he wants.

Well that's my story. I know it's a bit long and if you've read it all the way through you're awesome and thanks!!!!!! If there is any advice that you could give it would be much appreciated.

- Josie

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Beachwalker

Hey Josie, welcome to Aven :cake:

You do need to talk with him more but you also need to think what more you might want from the relationship in the future and discuss this with him so that you can both have realistic hopes and expectations for the future. I have read lots of success stories and the key seems to be open communication and compromise. All the best.

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Talk to him. It sounds like he is trying not to overload you on new information about asexuality so he may be willing to fill in gaps now that you have researched it a bit. Is he aromantic? Will he be willing to compromise? Is sex just totally off the table until time for children for him? It may be easier to discuss it online / on the phone so you can look up any terms you dont know. Important thing is to remember he is not saying anything bad about you and he seems interested from what you have said. So try to not get offended during even though it may be tough. To know if it will work you need to know details of where he is at and then when he visits you can decide if it is something you two want to go forward with.

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Josie,

It sounds like your boyfriend has been very clear about his identity and also the type of relationship he would like. He has told you that he is asexual and that holding hands and maybe kissing would be the extent of his interest in a physical relationship. It also sounds like he dreams of being in a partnership as he wants children one day. You spoke about your interest in him and maybe wanting a romantic relationship as you feel close to him emotionally and intellectually. Did I hear that right?

Given the information he has given you and the information you have gathered from this site, would you want to pursue a romantic relationship (without sex) with him or develop a close friendship?

What do you dream about or want in a relationship? What would you like to share with him? IS sex part of your desire for him? What does it mean if that is not of interest to him?

You have a right to have your needs met in a future relationship.

Sounds like you have ongoing email/ phone contact. I would talk now rather than wait till September. He has given you lots of information about himself ( I wish my partner had had that insight when we first got together) and it tells me that he is self aware and caring towards you to be honest and clear about his intentions. Maybe you have more questions, ask now while you are developing trust and getting to know each other.

Best wishes

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