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Possibly asexual girlfriend


Fazermint

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I haven't heard a good reason why she couldn't be shown AVEN. That's up to her boyfriend, of course, and he doesn't seem to want to. But if he did, it would be up to her whether she looks into it (because she does indeed have a brain and could make up her own mind). Why do AVEN members here not think she could be shown the website?

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Ok guys, I tried to keep it short (didn't go so well).

So my girlfriend is asexual, possibly. As a sexual person, I'm struggling to accept the fact that I may very well never be able to make love with her again. My last hope is that she is passing through an "asexual phase" and will come around one day. I don't know if this is even possible...

Our relationship begun as a long-distance relationship. She was reluctant towards sex because of her religious parents (sex is for sluts-attitude). I told her that sex is a totally natural and normal thing to do, and slowly her inhibitions faded. She seemed to enjoy it at the time (even complimented me on my performance once), but I was always the one to show initiative. I wished she'd show more interest, and at first I thought it was simply because she was a woman. It felt like sex was something she gave me when I had been a perfect boyfriend for the past few days. Do or say something wrong, and I could surely not expect sex for the next week. I kept hoping "maybe tonight", most often to my disappointment. I googled things like "girlfriend has low sex drive", and I stumbled upon female individuals complaining about the low sex drive of their husbands / boyfriends. I could barely believe it! I started to think something was wrong. After a while she started experiencing pain during sex, and we stopped having sex altogether. This was 2 and a half year ago.

It took me a WHOLE YEAR to convince her to see a doctor about her pain. It turned out she was unable to relax her muscles down there, which made it hurt. She had therapy to control her muscles, and we simultaneously visited a sex therapist. My girlfriend had come to associate sex with pain, which made her clench her muscles even more, which made it hurt even more, and so on. At the same time her family went through a huge drama: her father cheated on her mother, got dumped by the woman he cheated on her with, and came back begging to be taken back. Unable to deal with his sin, he drowned himself in self-pity and has been a burden to everyone ever since. He sought redemption in his religion, and has been ignoring his family in favor of the church since then. This whole drama completely took sex off my girlfriend's mind.

The sex therapist suggested something called "exposition method" (I'm translating this literally, quite likely something else in English). I'm not sure what this entails but the therapist guaranteed positive results. The next step is convincing my girlfriend to try it. Another year has passed by with no luck. My girlfriend says she wants to solve it on her own and not by some weird method. Apparently her pride plays a role as well.

So that's the story. I've had a depression for idk how long, but I can't turn to her for help because she somehow makes it about her instead. I make HER sad by talking about it. I make her feel guilty. Somehow I turn out as the bad guy. So you can imagine I'm reluctant to discuss the matter of asexuality with her. I tried explaining what sex meant to me. It's like a shining ray of light that exterminates all the darkness in your life. It's a stream of positive emotions that overwrite the negative emotions you might have. It feels great. It relieves stress. We connect emotionally. Not having sex makes me feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable, unsexy, un-everything.

I've tried compromising. She thinks oral is disgusting and refuses to do that for me, even though I do it for her frequently. When I suggested anal as an alternative she freaked out, saying anal is for gay people. She even dislikes giving handjobs because of the mess. Some times she complains it takes too long. I'd rather just watch some porn. I can't turn to her with my sexual needs, and I've come to look forward to when she leaves the house so that I can finally watch some porn. I feel pathetic.

Yes, she DOES enjoy oral when she's on the receiving end, or when I do it by hand. However, she never comes to me for it. I just do it occasionally on my own initiative. So I don't know if she's really asexual or if she's just not sexually attracted to me. If we would never engage in sexual activities anymore, she probably wouldn't mind.

I've given up. The continuous rejection is very destructive for what little self esteem I already have (was bullied in school). It's frustrating that she doesn't understand my sexuality. Some times it seems like she doesn't care that I'm depressed... I feel really alone.

Can anyone relate? Is it possible for someone to have an "asexual phase"? Am I forever doomed to watch porn in secrecy?

Why don't you just break up? Sounds to me like she isn't sexually attracted to you. Why are you flogging this dead horse (ie the relationship, not her)?

You said her family is codependent. Well let me tell you, she may be incapable of telling you that she feels trapped in this relationship, and denying you sex is the only way she can give herself some breathing space. You want to find out what she really thinks? You have to break up, have a massive fight, risk total loss of everything you don't actually have. Because the more you cling, the more she'll resist. Stop being Mr Nice Guy and get out of this. Thats what I would do, but Im not you. So take what you can from it.

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I haven't heard a good reason why she couldn't be shown AVEN. That's up to her boyfriend, of course, and he doesn't seem to want to. But if he did, it would be up to her whether she looks into it (because she does indeed have a brain and could make up her own mind). Why do AVEN members here not think she could be shown the website?

I never had a strong opinion either way. I always used to think show it to them right away (cause that's what I did...but then I could rarely walk around with a secret). Then I heard that isn't always the best idea, so I'm not sure Sally. I haven't heard a good reason for this one yet...but I do think getting their own place might help. I'm sexual, and I wouldn't want to have sex if I was living with my folks either, it sounds ridiculous.

There certainly is no way to know until you ask. And even then, you might not get an answer right away. I'm sure glad I didn't wait I guess. Twenty five years of not knowing was long enough!

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Why do AVEN members here not think she could be shown the website?

I think we all think its fine to show her the website, but that's not what we're talking about. Why are you fixating on that?

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Why do AVEN members here not think she could be shown the website?

I think we all think its fine to show her the website, but that's not what we're talking about. Why are you fixating on that?

Fixating? :blink: I asked a question of everyone who doesn't.

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Why do AVEN members here not think she could be shown the website?

I think we all think its fine to show her the website, but that's not what we're talking about. Why are you fixating on that?

Fixating? :blink: I asked a question of everyone who doesn't.

I think it's just a timing thing. That's what I gather from what's been said...like both people should be ready to have this talk, not feel defensive, etc.

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I haven't heard a good reason why she couldn't be shown AVEN. That's up to her boyfriend, of course, and he doesn't seem to want to. But if he did, it would be up to her whether she looks into it (because she does indeed have a brain and could make up her own mind). Why do AVEN members here not think she could be shown the website?

I very much agree. She has a right to know.

Ok guys, I tried to keep it short (didn't go so well).

So my girlfriend is asexual, possibly. As a sexual person, I'm struggling to accept the fact that I may very well never be able to make love with her again. My last hope is that she is passing through an "asexual phase" and will come around one day. I don't know if this is even possible...

Our relationship begun as a long-distance relationship. She was reluctant towards sex because of her religious parents (sex is for sluts-attitude). I told her that sex is a totally natural and normal thing to do, and slowly her inhibitions faded. She seemed to enjoy it at the time (even complimented me on my performance once), but I was always the one to show initiative. I wished she'd show more interest, and at first I thought it was simply because she was a woman. It felt like sex was something she gave me when I had been a perfect boyfriend for the past few days. Do or say something wrong, and I could surely not expect sex for the next week. I kept hoping "maybe tonight", most often to my disappointment. I googled things like "girlfriend has low sex drive", and I stumbled upon female individuals complaining about the low sex drive of their husbands / boyfriends. I could barely believe it! I started to think something was wrong. After a while she started experiencing pain during sex, and we stopped having sex altogether. This was 2 and a half year ago.

It took me a WHOLE YEAR to convince her to see a doctor about her pain. It turned out she was unable to relax her muscles down there, which made it hurt. She had therapy to control her muscles, and we simultaneously visited a sex therapist. My girlfriend had come to associate sex with pain, which made her clench her muscles even more, which made it hurt even more, and so on. At the same time her family went through a huge drama: her father cheated on her mother, got dumped by the woman he cheated on her with, and came back begging to be taken back. Unable to deal with his sin, he drowned himself in self-pity and has been a burden to everyone ever since. He sought redemption in his religion, and has been ignoring his family in favor of the church since then. This whole drama completely took sex off my girlfriend's mind.

The sex therapist suggested something called "exposition method" (I'm translating this literally, quite likely something else in English). I'm not sure what this entails but the therapist guaranteed positive results. The next step is convincing my girlfriend to try it. Another year has passed by with no luck. My girlfriend says she wants to solve it on her own and not by some weird method. Apparently her pride plays a role as well.

So that's the story. I've had a depression for idk how long, but I can't turn to her for help because she somehow makes it about her instead. I make HER sad by talking about it. I make her feel guilty. Somehow I turn out as the bad guy. So you can imagine I'm reluctant to discuss the matter of asexuality with her. I tried explaining what sex meant to me. It's like a shining ray of light that exterminates all the darkness in your life. It's a stream of positive emotions that overwrite the negative emotions you might have. It feels great. It relieves stress. We connect emotionally. Not having sex makes me feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable, unsexy, un-everything.

I've tried compromising. She thinks oral is disgusting and refuses to do that for me, even though I do it for her frequently. When I suggested anal as an alternative she freaked out, saying anal is for gay people. She even dislikes giving handjobs because of the mess. Some times she complains it takes too long. I'd rather just watch some porn. I can't turn to her with my sexual needs, and I've come to look forward to when she leaves the house so that I can finally watch some porn. I feel pathetic.

Yes, she DOES enjoy oral when she's on the receiving end, or when I do it by hand. However, she never comes to me for it. I just do it occasionally on my own initiative. So I don't know if she's really asexual or if she's just not sexually attracted to me. If we would never engage in sexual activities anymore, she probably wouldn't mind.

I've given up. The continuous rejection is very destructive for what little self esteem I already have (was bullied in school). It's frustrating that she doesn't understand my sexuality. Some times it seems like she doesn't care that I'm depressed... I feel really alone.

Can anyone relate? Is it possible for someone to have an "asexual phase"? Am I forever doomed to watch porn in secrecy?

Why don't you just break up? Sounds to me like she isn't sexually attracted to you. Why are you flogging this dead horse (ie the relationship, not her)?

You said her family is codependent. Well let me tell you, she may be incapable of telling you that she feels trapped in this relationship, and denying you sex is the only way she can give herself some breathing space. You want to find out what she really thinks? You have to break up, have a massive fight, risk total loss of everything you don't actually have. Because the more you cling, the more she'll resist. Stop being Mr Nice Guy and get out of this. Thats what I would do, but Im not you. So take what you can from it.

That's right, too. She probably needs some "space."

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Why do AVEN members here not think she could be shown the website?

I think we all think its fine to show her the website, but that's not what we're talking about. Why are you fixating on that?

Fixating? :blink: I asked a question of everyone who doesn't.

And who are those people?

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Well, this topic has side-tracked quite a bit.

I'll be clear: I'm not going to break up with my girlfriend over this. I left my home country and moved to her country, learned her language, and now I study at a university there. I'm not bailing as soon as there's a speed bump.

My girlfriend is not asexual. We had "the talk" (although I didn't mention the word "asexual"), and she said she's still sexually attracted to me and has sexual urges. It just doesn't bother her so much when those urges aren't satisfied. There are just too many barriers that keep her from working on her problem ( = vaginal pain). She feels pressured by me, she's afraid of failing, there are other things on her mind, etc.

So please, stop going on about showing her AVEN.

I'll continue to give her space (what do you think I've been doing the past 2.5 years?). We've talked about moving out, yay.

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You say she feels pressured. Maybe you put her under too much pressure?

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Empty Chairs & Tables

You say she feels pressured. Maybe you put her under too much pressure?

Perhaps, but it is also possible that she puts pressure on herself. I definitely relate to the "fear of failing" the OP describes, and that, at least for me, leads me to put enormous pressure on myself. Not that it is necessarily the same for the referenced girlfriend, but it is possible. Regardless, though, the OP can at least attempt to help alleviate the pressure, whether the OP is the one doing the pressuring or not. I know that the patience and persistence of my SO has been a big thing in me putting less pressure on myself regarding our relationship. It is not easy for me to stop pressuring myself so much, but it really is necessary in my relationship.

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The fact that I want something from her is already enough for her to feel pressured. It's hardly something I can do anything about. Personally I think I'm very un-pressuring. I only bring it up with intervals of 3-6 months, and I don't say anything to put pressure on her, I just remind her of it. I also hide my depression so she doesn't feel guilty.

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I hear your feeling that you hide your depression, but that's really difficult to do. If one partner knows that the other partner is concerned about the lack of something that means a lot to them, they will likely impute a depressed feeling to the partner who's lacking that thing. In simpler terms, she probably can tell you're depressed. That's not a criticism of you, just what I've seen as reality.

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Hey again Fazer. It's hard to know just what to say, but I'm glad to hear you'll be getting your own place soon. I think you will both be able to get a better idea of what's really going on then.

I do want to say this in regards to showing her AVEN. I didn't wait even 24 hours after I found it. I wanted to have a talk with my husband and told him so. I didn't want to continue speculating about what was going on with us, and had been going on for so many years.

After he read the intro page and pretty much 'came out' to me as asexual our view of each other changed. He did not want to break up, and made it pretty clear to me that we would be better off now that we knew. I ventured into AVEN and began to tell him some of the things I was reading...ideas about compromise, the hurt feelings of both partners in this situation, the notion that he might be avoiding physical contact because he was afraid it would lead to sex, and more. Bottom line, a lot of misconceptions on both our parts were put out there and we dealt with them.

Yup, it's so very depressing to not be on the same page as your partner where intimacy is concerned. I hope the best for you two, and just want to say it's important to ask her how she feels about things and tell her how you feel.

EDIT: Just saw Sally's post...she's 100% right. 100%.

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