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karinjacks

How can I be a good partner to my (maybe) ace?

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karinjacks

Hello all! I'm Karin. I was a longtime member in the past, and now I'm back.

I'll keep this short! Recently, I've fallen into a sort of a relationship with a woman named Stella. We've known each other for a long, long time and we've always been very close friends. Up until a while ago, I had been dating a man, and so a relationship between Stella and I was never an option. However, as fate works, the man left me and then Stella and I began to see each other more and more. One night, I asked her if she'd like to date me. Stella said yes, we kissed. For me, there were loads of fireworks.

After a few rocky days, Stella admitted to me that kissing did nothing for her. She said that she always feels impartial after kissing someone, no fireworks, nothing. Not only that, but she said she has no feelings that drive her to want to touch other people. She does like cuddling and emotional intimacy. When I asked her how she classifies our relationship, she said she sees it "like a friendship". She also said, in her words, that I "have her", emotionally.

Stella has asked me some about asexuality (She knows I've done a lot of research/advocacy), but she hasn't done the research herself. I would ask if aces here think she's asexual, but I know the only person who can answer that is her. So I guess the bigger question is: How can I be a good partner to Stella, support her, and foster her? Or is it a done deal when a sexual and an asexual collide? I'll take any and all advice.

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The Great WTF

Short answer: Communication and acceptance. Lots of it.

Long answer: You have to talk to her about it. Ask what she likes and dislikes, what she's comfortable with, what she wants out of your relationship. Talk to her about your wants and needs. Give her the tools to understand you. There's no quick trick with asexuals because we're all different and communication is the only way to make sure you understand what she needs. Chances are, compromises will have to happen. You need to know what you'll be willing to change, to do or not do, to make her comfortable and ask her what she would be okay with.

Also, bring her AVEN. Let her talk to us and get a feel for the place, if she wants to.

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Skullery Maid

Out of curiosity, why were you a member in the past? Did you date another asexual, or did you toy with the idea of being asexual yourself? Like WTF said, you'll need to talk to her about what she wants out of a relationship. It sounds like she wants an emotional relationship only. Is that something you'd be interested in? Are either one of you dead-set on a monogamous relationship, or is there wiggle room? Personally, I feel that if someone wants an emotional relationship only, they should have the right to that relationship arrangement. I know I've had people in my life that I felt very close to, but if I had to have sex with them, my feelings about that relationship would change, and not in a good way (I'm sexual, btw). However, she did say she wants to date you and she did kiss you right off the bat, so its entirely possible that she's imagining a romantic relationship with some sexual activity. Have you tried to instigate anything yet? If yes, what happened?

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