Lady Girl Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 For starters, I'm sexual so that's one of the main reasons I'm posting this here. Another reason is because I'm not really asking a question or musing or ranting. I'm just going to talk about asexuality from the perspective of someone married to an asexual. And to start with I'm going to say it means he's not interested in having sex. This is from my observation, and also are his own words. Tonight I asked him, what is asexuality? He asked, "What does it mean to me?" Yes, to you, I responded. The answer was quick and precise. "Not interested in having sex." I asked him to tell me a little bit more about it in reference to AVEN's official definition. He said, "It has more to do with a lack of desire than it does a lack of attraction. Even when I was young, and my body, and society, and all my friends told me I wanted to have sex, I really didn't want to have sex. Even when I felt attracted to someone and felt some amount of desire, I didn't want to have sex. Attraction has always been there, just no desire to have sex, other than to make you happy and fulfill my duties as a husband. To me, asexuality is not wanting to have sex with people (or trees, or shoes). Not interested in having sex, hence the word asexual...you don't start with sexual attraction or lack of, you start with not wanting to have sex and then work from there." These are his words, not mine...he has joined AVEN now, and I hope he will be welcome in spite of being asexual according to a different definition. I read a lot, if not all, of Lord Happy Toast's writings and watched the video,and I want to do some quoting here. But first, I gathered from reading, that besides the ethical importance of being able to self-identify there are three ways asexuality can be defined and they are, in terms of preference (does one prefer to have sex or not, not as in a choice one makes as in celibacy, but an inherent preference), desire, and attraction. A woman in a study he quotes sounds a lot like my husband, and then LHT says, "She does not define her asexuality in terms of sexual attraction. She defines it in terms of sexual preference, and then explains this in terms of sexual desire. This isn't at all uncommon. Lots of asexuals explain their asexuality in these terms." Furthermore, LHT says, "Each asexual person is different and has a somewhat different idea of what being asexual means to them. There is no need to stick stringently to the AVEN definition or to any other. That really is not what the definition is designed for. It's supposed to be more of a guidepost for people, something to help people think about their lives and something to be useful in presenting asexuality to audiences unfamiliar with it." I believe he also referred to it as a sound bite. This is what asexuality means to me, someone who inherently does not want to have sex. It is arrived at through an ultimate preference for no sex, experiencing little or no sexual desire, or possibly a lack of sexual attraction. In my own words, asexuality is an essential detachment from aspects of sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Jethro Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 *Is confused* If we were to assume: Sexual attraction = being attracted to someone/something in a way that makes you want to have sex with them/it. Then how is your definition really any different? Link to post Share on other sites
trewdys Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Experiencing attraction but no desire to act on such attractions falls under grey-A. However, it's probably more socially convenient for such people to call themselves asexual since the result is the same: they don't want to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Qutenkuddly Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 This is what asexuality means to me, someone who inherently does not want to have sex. It is arrived at through an ultimate preference for no sex, experiencing little or no sexual desire, or possibly a lack of sexual attraction. In my own words, asexuality is an essential detachment from aspects of sexuality. LG, you've given me quite a bit of food for thought. After reading through approaching 40 pages of 'What is sexual attraction...?', I was seeing the ambiguity of AVEN's definition as a flaw, but, after reading what you put forward (and I'm guessing much thanks must go to Lord Happy Toast, too), I now realize that it's not ambiguity, it's flexibility, enabling those who feel they may identify to determine that for themselves. Experiencing attraction but no desire to act on such attractions falls under grey-A. However, it's probably more socially convenient for such people to call themselves asexual since the result is the same: they don't want to have sex. I'm going to disagree with you about that falling under grey-A, because you're second statement, in my mind, is correct, "...the result is the same: they don't want to have sex" and I think that's very much what LG is trying to explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Right, but you then fall into thinking asexuals experience attraction.... I dont. I dont experience desire, either. Unless he is referring to aesthetic attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Beautifully said, Lady Girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelsea Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Thanks for your perspective LG! :) Could you post a link to Lord Happy Toast's writings and video? I'd be interested in that too! I've been following the 'definition' discussion as well, which has left me generally confused, as I can see merits and flaws to every proposed clarification so far! But I agree with what Qute said above, and bottom line, I appreciate that AVEN is a place where people who don't fit the stereotypical 'sexual' mold can find acceptance, and not be told that that they're broken and need to be fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
Nameless123 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Could you post a link to Lord Happy Toast's writings and video? I'd be interested in that too! It's here. Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Lady Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Beautifully said, Lady Girl. Seconded. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Right, but you then fall into thinking asexuals experience attraction.... I dont. I dont experience desire, either. Exactly. I don't experience attraction but I do experience desire, which is why I'm asexual. Sure, I love to fuck the shit out of my partner, but that has no relevance to asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Right, but you then fall into thinking asexuals experience attraction.... I dont. I dont experience desire, either. Exactly. I don't experience attraction but I do experience desire, which is why I'm asexual. Sure, I love to fuck the shit out of my partner, but that has no relevance to asexuality. o.O Did I miss something? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Right, but you then fall into thinking asexuals experience attraction.... I dont. I dont experience desire, either. Exactly. I don't experience attraction but I do experience desire, which is why I'm asexual. Sure, I love to fuck the shit out of my partner, but that has no relevance to asexuality. o.O Did I miss something? Just what I said. I'm sick of being told that I'm wrong about what sexual attraction is. I've put up with a year of having asexuals say NO, SEXUAL ATTRACTION MEANS LOOKING AT SOMEONE AND WANTING TO FUCK THEM. Well, I don't and never have experienced that. I have spent a year trying to get the definition changed so asexuality would take into account sexuals like me, whose sexual desire is tied to a desire for sex and not tied to a specific person. See, I'm not demisexual. I don't have to give a fuck about the person I fuck, I just have to want to fuck. I have been told so many times that that's how an asexual has sex... that there are probably millions of asexuals out there that don't even know they are asexual because they love and seek out sex... So, if my orientation, my experiences (and the experiences of billions of other people, because I am not a unique snowflake) don't count for jack shit around here (and they obviously don't), then I'm asexual. I'm sick of fighting it. I'm sick of trying to convince AVEN that sexual attraction and desire are separate things. Sure, many people have agreed with me... Clouded Leopard, for example, said that many people experience attraction and desire separately and AVEN can't just ignore our sexuality, but apparently they can, they have, and they show no signs of stopping. So, according to AVEN, I am asexual. I'm sick of fighting it. It's a mindblowingly stupid outcome, and I genuinely hope this wakes some people up, but I don't really have much faith anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Right, but you then fall into thinking asexuals experience attraction.... I dont. I dont experience desire, either. Exactly. I don't experience attraction but I do experience desire, which is why I'm asexual. Sure, I love to fuck the shit out of my partner, but that has no relevance to asexuality. o.O Did I miss something? Just what I said. I'm sick of being told that I'm wrong about what sexual attraction is. I've put up with a year of having asexuals say NO, SEXUAL ATTRACTION MEANS LOOKING AT SOMEONE AND WANTING TO FUCK THEM. Well, I don't and never have experienced that. I have spent a year trying to get the definition changed so asexuality would take into account sexuals like me, whose sexual desire is tied to a desire for sex and not tied to a specific person. See, I'm not demisexual. I don't have to give a fuck about the person I fuck, I just have to want to fuck. I have been told so many times that that's how an asexual has sex... that there are probably millions of asexuals out there that don't even know they are asexual because they love and seek out sex... So, if my orientation, my experiences (and the experiences of billions of other people, because I am not a unique snowflake) don't count for jack shit around here (and they obviously don't), then I'm asexual. I'm sick of fighting it. I'm sick of trying to convince AVEN that sexual attraction and desire are separate things. Sure, many people have agreed with me... Clouded Leopard, for example, said that many people experience attraction and desire separately and AVEN can't just ignore our sexuality, but apparently they can, they have, and they show no signs of stopping. So, according to AVEN, I am asexual. I'm sick of fighting it. It's a mindblowingly stupid outcome, and I genuinely hope this wakes some people up, but I don't really have much faith anymore. Aaah. I figured it was something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I was talking to my partner about it last night and she fits perfectly with the definition of sexual, and I fit perfectly with the definition of asexual. It's all assbackwards. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I was talking to my partner about it last night and she fits perfectly with the definition of sexual, and I fit perfectly with the definition of asexual. It's all assbackwards. Yes it is. I can definitely understand your frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachwalker Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Experiencing attraction but no desire to act on such attractions falls under grey-A. However, it's probably more socially convenient for such people to call themselves asexual since the result is the same: they don't want to have sex. I would disagree. I have no desire or interest in sex for my own sexual gratification. I don't know if I feel sexual attraction or not but am pretty sure I am asexual and not grey A. In fact I believe the Aven definition is elitist because it excludes people like myself and Mr LG. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Experiencing attraction but no desire to act on such attractions falls under grey-A. However, it's probably more socially convenient for such people to call themselves asexual since the result is the same: they don't want to have sex. I would disagree. I have no desire or interest in sex for my own sexual gratification. I don't know if I feel sexual attraction or not but am pretty sure I am asexual and not grey A. In fact I believe the Aven definition is elitist because it excludes people like myself and Mr LG. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Experiencing attraction but no desire to act on such attractions falls under grey-A. However, it's probably more socially convenient for such people to call themselves asexual since the result is the same: they don't want to have sex. I'm sure Asexuals can desire sex for other reasons other than attractions. Try not to throw around labels, there's already mass confusion here. It is a behavior, nothing that defines the orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
The Honey Bear Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Definitions of asexuality on aven have got so confusing lately. I feel sorry for the new people here, cuz I'm starting to wonder if even I get it anymore. I've always thought of asexuality = not being fussed about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Definitions of asexuality on aven have got so confusing lately. I feel sorry for the new people here, cuz I'm starting to wonder if even I get it anymore. I've always thought of asexuality = not being fussed about sex. :D I prefer this! Link to post Share on other sites
test account Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 A post. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelsea Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I was talking to someone recently who thinks they may be asexual. I asked if they'd like to join AVEN and they said no thanks. I asked why, and they said "Because I'm not interested in talking about sex. That's kind of what an asexual is." That was my initial feeling, when I first joined - I couldn't see much point in talking about not wanting to have sex! ("Boy, I sure don't want sex today!" "Yeah, neither do I!" etc.) But I really do appreciate having a place where other people truly understand how I feel. And also it's nice to join a community where people aren't trying to constantly hit on you. Also it's refreshing to never have to try to commiserate with people saying "where are all the hot chicks, why can't I get laid?" etc. So it's a nice haven from mainstream society, where asexuals can feel a bit left out! As for talking about sex here on AVEN... I imagine it's a phase most people go through, in trying to figure out who they are. It's mainly the younger crowd asking these questions, or those going through a confusing life transition (hello! LOL). The ones who stick around more than a year or so seem to be more secure in their asexuality, and don't talk about the sex issues so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest member25959 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I've been advised to lock this thread as it appears to be a continuation of this and this conversation. Please, don't duplicate a topic which has already been closed. So locked pending AdMod approval. You can contact a team member regarding this. Arca/Raccoons SPFA Moderator. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest member25959 Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 Alright, time to re-open this for now. But, stay on topic guys. :P ''describe what asexuality means to them, or their own experience with it'' Please try not to discuss matters carried over from locked threads. Link to post Share on other sites
5_♦♣ Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 "Because I'm not interested in talking about sex. That's kind of what an asexual is". That reminds me of Swankivy's collaborative S*** people to Asexuals video. I'm too tired/lazy to link to the thread in which it was posted, right now. But yeah, being Asexual means not finding other people sexually attractive. Being interested or not being interested in talking about sex varies from person to person-Asexual and sexual alike. Link to post Share on other sites
test account Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 God damn it I wish we could delete posts. Link to post Share on other sites
5_♦♣ Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 Well, there is the backspace button. Link to post Share on other sites
Nameless123 Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 But yeah, being Asexual means not finding other people sexually attractive. Being interested or not being interested in talking about sex varies from person to person-Asexual and sexual alike.[/color] Indeed. I'm a little tired of people asking why someone is still interested in talking about sex while claiming to be asexual. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. And I don't really care whether that gives AVEN a bad rep with some asexuals on the outside. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 But yeah, being Asexual means not finding other people sexually attractive. Being interested or not being interested in talking about sex varies from person to person-Asexual and sexual alike.[/color] Indeed. I'm a little tired of people asking why someone is still interested in talking about sex while claiming to be asexual. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. And I don't really care whether that gives AVEN a bad rep with some asexuals on the outside. Please keep it on topic...what does asexuality mean to you, and how do you experience it? Thanks! :) Link to post Share on other sites
Nameless123 Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 But yeah, being Asexual means not finding other people sexually attractive. Being interested or not being interested in talking about sex varies from person to person-Asexual and sexual alike.[/color] Indeed. I'm a little tired of people asking why someone is still interested in talking about sex while claiming to be asexual. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. And I don't really care whether that gives AVEN a bad rep with some asexuals on the outside. Please keep it on topic...what does asexuality mean to you, and how do you experience it? Thanks! :) Well, I did keep it on-topic, didn't I? I agreed that asexuality does not mean not being interested in talking about sex. If that wasn't on-topic enough for a thread that is called "Asexuality, what it means to me" I certainly apologise . Link to post Share on other sites
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