How much of a deal-breaker is sex?

[miqui]

this is a really important conversation and i feel like i can understand where both skullery and bearded are coming from.

i'd just like to say something i feel is really important and isn't being acknowledged. rape and sexual assault are not something that happens just because sexual people "want more sex" from less sexual people or asexual people. some of us very sexual people have been assaulted by less sexual people or even asexual people... so please remember that too. :/ rape is not 'sex'... it doesn't have anything to do with what i want when wanting 'sex'. so many of us just want to feel desired.

i think we've all pressured people about some things at some point and we all feel social pressure and coercion also and it's definitely not anything to be proud of. socially, all non-heterosexual orientations, including asexual, are so stigmatised there's a social coercion to be heterosexual, no matter how you actually feel. compulsory heterosexuality. compulsory coital sex. you get pressure and coercion into sex not just by partners, often by friends or constant messages from your surrounding culture.

[Avistew]

I think sex is a very important issue to be raised in a relationship, and it's important that an asexual partner doesn't say there will be sex after a marriage occurs, because after the sexual partners gets married, they're going to feel cheated, and they're stuck in a relationship they did not agree to.

For that reason, I think asexual visibility is very important, so that people who are asexual are given a chance to realise it as early as possible, and so that sexuals are prepared and know it's a possibility. And I think something as major as getting married, which nowadays can be reversed but takes a lot of time and money (I should know, I've been divorcing for two years, and we have no property to share, no children, no complications. It's just paperwork taking ages) should not be done until important issues have been discussed. Sex, children, how people see their future, where they want to live, what job they want to do... it's important to discuss it at length.

[sexualwithasexual]

I think sex is a very important issue to be raised in a relationship, and it's important that an asexual partner doesn't say there will be sex after a marriage occurs, because after the sexual partners gets married, they're going to feel cheated, and they're stuck in a relationship they did not agree to.

For that reason, I think asexual visibility is very important, so that people who are asexual are given a chance to realise it as early as possible, and so that sexuals are prepared and know it's a possibility. And I think something as major as getting married, which nowadays can be reversed but takes a lot of time and money (I should know, I've been divorcing for two years, and we have no property to share, no children, no complications. It's just paperwork taking ages) should not be done until important issues have been discussed. Sex, children, how people see their future, where they want to live, what job they want to do... it's important to discuss it at length.

hear hear.

[Fazermint]

I think sex is a very important issue to be raised in a relationship, and it's important that an asexual partner doesn't say there will be sex after a marriage occurs, because after the sexual partners gets married, they're going to feel cheated, and they're stuck in a relationship they did not agree to.

I totally agree. This is why I think holding off on sex until after marriage is a terrible idea. There's a good chance you're sexually incompatible. Just because asexual people don't acknowledge it as a problem, it doesn't mean it isn't.

[Lady Girl]

I think sex is a very important issue to be raised in a relationship, and it's important that an asexual partner doesn't say there will be sex after a marriage occurs, because after the sexual partners gets married, they're going to feel cheated, and they're stuck in a relationship they did not agree to.

I totally agree. This is why I think holding off on sex until after marriage is a terrible idea. There's a good chance you're sexually incompatible. Just because asexual people don't acknowledge it as a problem, it doesn't mean it isn't.

That isn't quite fair...if they don't know about it, what is there to acknowledge?

[Guest]

I think sex is a very important issue to be raised in a relationship, and it's important that an asexual partner doesn't say there will be sex after a marriage occurs, because after the sexual partners gets married, they're going to feel cheated, and they're stuck in a relationship they did not agree to.

I totally agree. This is why I think holding off on sex until after marriage is a terrible idea. There's a good chance you're sexually incompatible. Just because asexual people don't acknowledge it as a problem, it doesn't mean it isn't.

That isn't quite fair...if they don't know about it, what is there to acknowledge?

I think that's Fazer's point... just assuming that someday you'll be into sex is sticking your head in the sand and ignoring an issue that's right in front of you. The worst possible thing is to get into a marriage under the belief that things will change.

[Lady Girl]

I think sex is a very important issue to be raised in a relationship, and it's important that an asexual partner doesn't say there will be sex after a marriage occurs, because after the sexual partners gets married, they're going to feel cheated, and they're stuck in a relationship they did not agree to.

I totally agree. This is why I think holding off on sex until after marriage is a terrible idea. There's a good chance you're sexually incompatible. Just because asexual people don't acknowledge it as a problem, it doesn't mean it isn't.

That isn't quite fair...if they don't know about it, what is there to acknowledge?

I think that's Fazer's point... just assuming that someday you'll be into sex is sticking your head in the sand and ignoring an issue that's right in front of you. The worst possible thing is to get into a marriage under the belief that things will change.

I guess I felt he was saying asexual people don't see it as a problem period. I meant if they know about asexuality, they sure might.

Sometimes sex before marriage doesn't reveal enough either...

[rimmer]

For me sex is a total deal breaker. Usually when I met a new girl we would have sex the first night, often in the first hour of meeting. If on a date a girl did not show an interest in sex then I rarely accepted a second outing. I would not continue a relationship if daily sex was not included. My wife does not like intercourse but knows that I get very unpleasent without it. Till we were in our 40's it was twice a day.

[Lady Girl]

Twice a day seems excessive, and it actually may be. I believe the average is 4 times a week. I have no problem continuing in a relationship without daily sex. No sex would be difficult, but daily is certainly not a requirement for me.

[Ace McHeeb]

I could have sworn I commented in this thread. For me, sex is a huge deal breaker. In my marriage, I was accused of cheating, and it was one of the reasons my ex wanted a divorce - because her argument always was, "If you're not sleeping with me, who are you sleeping with?" (This was before I knew I was asexual. All I knew was that I had a considerable lack of sexual desire.) I was able to maybe once or twice a month, but never more than once a night. And even then, it required massive effort sometimes. She refused to help me out, and outright forbade me stroking it. If I couldn't get aroused simply by looking at her, I didn't really love her.

So yes. For me, if someone wants sex, the relationship is off. I'm trying to find a tactful way to break off a relationship right now, because the girl I'm talking to, while gorgeous, is getting insulted that I don't want to have sex with her.

[Lady Girl]

I could have sworn I commented in this thread. For me, sex is a huge deal breaker. In my marriage, I was accused of cheating, and it was one of the reasons my ex wanted a divorce - because her argument always was, "If you're not sleeping with me, who are you sleeping with?" (This was before I knew I was asexual. All I knew was that I had a considerable lack of sexual desire.) I was able to maybe once or twice a month, but never more than once a night. And even then, it required massive effort sometimes. She refused to help me out, and outright forbade me stroking it. If I couldn't get aroused simply by looking at her, I didn't really love her.

So yes. For me, if someone wants sex, the relationship is off. I'm trying to find a tactful way to break off a relationship right now, because the girl I'm talking to, while gorgeous, is getting insulted that I don't want to have sex with her.

This is hard, and I'm sorry your wife was like that. I'm trying to be understanding with my husband, but I don't feel I can go totally without. The deal breaker part for me is hard, I think I would at least try to stay if he refused to have sex altogether, but it would be a huge adjustment, and I would most likely have difficulties.

[Ace McHeeb]

I could have sworn I commented in this thread. For me, sex is a huge deal breaker. In my marriage, I was accused of cheating, and it was one of the reasons my ex wanted a divorce - because her argument always was, "If you're not sleeping with me, who are you sleeping with?" (This was before I knew I was asexual. All I knew was that I had a considerable lack of sexual desire.) I was able to maybe once or twice a month, but never more than once a night. And even then, it required massive effort sometimes. She refused to help me out, and outright forbade me stroking it. If I couldn't get aroused simply by looking at her, I didn't really love her.

So yes. For me, if someone wants sex, the relationship is off. I'm trying to find a tactful way to break off a relationship right now, because the girl I'm talking to, while gorgeous, is getting insulted that I don't want to have sex with her.

This is hard, and I'm sorry your wife was like that. I'm trying to be understanding with my husband, but I don't feel I can go totally without. The deal breaker part for me is hard, I think I would at least try to stay if he refused to have sex altogether, but it would be a huge adjustment, and I would most likely have difficulties.

No the dealbreaker would be on my end. Right now, I'm dealing with a girl on Facebook who messaged me out of the blue and is extremely sexual. I've tried telling her I'm asexual and she's taking it as a personal insult. She's gorgeous! And I'd love to have a relationship with her, but I'm not all that interested in sex. Fortunately, she lives in California and a meeting would be nigh on impossible. But she still feels insulted that I don't see her in a sexual light. I've had to degrade myself by faking it in some of our messages, but I can't keep it up. (No pun intended.) :FACEPALM: