Engaging Asexual Partners

[Mr Stranger]

My partner is sexual as well, but he is new to the whole thing so he never really initiated until very recently. All the while I would initiate, thinking that's what I had to do in a relationship, but he is a very gentle and patient person and NEVER pressured me into anything-which gave me a lot of lee-way to back out of things that made me feel uncomfortable. I'm sure some asexuals can relate to that, being appreciative of not being pressured to do sexual things.

[...]

To help things along, the second time I bought him a toy-a Tenga Egg. I do not like intercourse whatsoever because of the intense trigger effect it has on me, so I got him a vagina-substitute :] In general, he uses this masturbation sleeve on himself while I continue to caress his hair and face and kiss him and touch him in all the other places besides the sexual bits. He is a very sensitive person and can't take rough play, so we are always very gentle and slow with each other.

Oh I forgot. To distract me from the fact that what we are doing is sexual (because the thought itself throws me for a tizzy), we have long intimate conversations, usually about science or about an event we enjoyed going to together, usually giggling and using word play, being all intellectual and what-not.

Toys and science. This seems like a perfect combination. The vast expanse of the universe all there to keep your mind clicking away the entire time. Bonus points for cleverness. I wonder if most sexual partners would be open to something like that? The answer must vary from person to person, but it's probably a question worth asking in future relationships.

One thing that has worked in our relationship regarding oral sex on my end is making a silly game out of it. We have a variety of flavoured lubes that can be used (and are actually amazingly tasty). Those in conjunction with playing almost in tickle fight-like fashion can make things drawn out and quite enjoyable.

You have something there too. I wasn't aware that you could find things like that. Did you have to special-order them or can you just find them in any adult store?

[zoidberger]

They'd be available anywhere, adult store or even a small selection in drug stores/supermarkets/etc.

[xaida]

Preface:

Asexual here, in a pretty happy 3-year-relationship with a sexual. He loves my asexuality as much as I love his sexuality. He is proud of the visibility work I do around asexuality. He needs to feel that I desire him in every way that's possible to me, so he does not need the feeling that I desire him sexually or desire sex in any way. He would never question my asexuality, no matter what I do. He would be just as happy in our relationship no matter what our sexual life would look like. Even if we could just scream from the tops of two mountains to each other, he would love me. He thinks I look so fantastic, that he would a hundred times rather have an orgasm just looking at me or - if not available - just thinking of me than an orgasm during sex with anyone else. He would prefer an asexual version of mine to a sexual one in case I got delivered in two varities.

As there was no need to compromise, it was easy to compromise* :) I just feel so incredibly grateful and lucky, that I have the urgent desire to return something to him. If something like sex happens he does not even need me to have the "right" kind of motivation - gratitude does it completely. So here is my number one answer to how to enjoy what we are doing: the right motivation, in my case lots of gratitude mixed with a little bit love.

*compromise: In my relationships I dont see it a compromise, but working out our own sexuality and exploring ways that just work for the two of us. Talking about it, coming up with new ideas and afterwards talking about how they made us feel, adds a pretty attractive meta-level to our intimacy, that I think enriches our relationship to a degree, that I would probably miss with another asexual or worse if I remained closeted.

So there are so far six things that worked with us:

1. As I said above: Motivation.

2. Find his fetish of his, foster it, nurture it, develop it and then look on it from the outside. It's hilarious.

Sometimes I think just everyone has a fetish, it just does not need to evolve because the traditional sex concept works. One guy I was together with got an erection and later an orgasm when I touched the inner part of his hand in a certain way. For one guy it just made it when I would be in office dress telling how exhausted I'm from work. Seeing it from a meta-level we added a decent portion of sexualisation to it. Then I would look at it from the outside and would be baffled, fascinated and partly amused about the reactions it can cause in him and find that just cute and adorable about him. Of course, there it also needs him not to mind to be seen cute, adorable, fascinating and partially amusing in what is so sacred for many people. But there we were, me thinking I had selfishly great asex to have, he thinking he was selfishly great sex to have and we were both looking forward to the next time ;)

3. Concentrate on being good / perform well

I started to have something like dragshows. I called it "doing him the sexual". I watched pornographic material, took notes and learnt the words, gestures and mimics like for a vocabulary test. I imitated all that I saw and asked for how he liked this and how he liked that. It is maybe comparable to the TV commercials for phone sex and meant to make him his masturbation as pleasant as possible. Doing so I would have to concentrate all the time very intensely and could not be touched in order not to get out of the concept. Of course there are still many lapses on my side, which would be a big spoiler if we wouldnt find such situations pretty funny ("There is just one minor thing to improve." - "What is it?" - "You could close your eyes and not stick to mine for feedback ;)" - "Oh. I knew I had forgotten about something ;)".) But I keep improving.

If some of you might maybe think this weird for him to possibly enjoy, remember, that pornography is just as much acting and "pretension" and quite some people enjoy that.

It is the same with any action that's indifferent to me: I kind of observe myself from the outside, give directions to myself all the time, just concentrate on being really good and after it I'm so terribly proud of having made it. That I - out and proud asexual - actually completely blind to anything that's remotely sexual - have learnt the talent of "doing the sexual" and giving really good orgasm without remotely leaving my asexual identity. It needed so much practice in orientation like a blind person would have a different approach to walking in this world than a seeing one, but both - with a world being prepared for that - doing just fine in the end. I'm proud of being so good.

4. Humor

Honestly: the asexual me and the sexual him is the source of the cutest jokes between us and being in bed with my boyfriend is the most hilarious situation Ive ever experienced. E.g. when we decided to make erotic movies and take pictures of myself for the many times that I'm physically not available. But can you imagine what happens if one person just does not get it? So camera is up, I'm half dressed, a last glance on the script, take one - action. But horrible things are happening: I forget the text. Take two: as he always needs to indicate by signs if I'm doing great or not he throws over the camera. Take three: I do not get my blouse unbottomed the very minute I would need to. Take four: he would get an erection - longer break. Take five, six and seven: I dont get that people obviously dont reach orgasms when ruffling through the hair. Take eight: we both need to laugh. Take nine: I finally made to get rid of my clothes as sexily as possible but when I was just perfectly in my role he suddenly needs to run for a towel - spoilsport. ;) We did that at least 50 times.

So what I wanted to say: While the sexual level to the whole procedure remains for him, I concentrate on the funny part. :)

5. Challenges

Seeing a sexual's body there were quite a lot of questions I had: What's the longest time I can stroke you without you having an orgasm? Can we beat the last time? How many seconds do you need for the fastest orgasm? How many orgasms can you have in 24 hours / 8 hours / 0.5 hours? Can you also have orgasm in (insert at least 15 impossible situations here)?

We answered them all. Several times. It is curiousity, desire for a challenge and just a kick to me.

6. His joy

This closes the bridge to my feeling of gratitude and the need to return something to him from 1.): I get all worked up concentrating on how much he is going to enjoy it. How much he loves me for what we do. How happy he will look at me after. How much he is going to look for a favour to make me to make up for it. This is then my kind of anticipation :)

Happy Ending: Let me brag for once: He thinks sex with me is so great *because* I'm asexual. While most other women obviously would stop if they dont feel like sex or once they dont maintain desire anymore, sexual desire does not play a role from the beginning with me, but I would be motivated for other, obviously somehow less fragile and longer-lasting reasons. I'm so good ;)

And as a nice aside: we dont even need the penetration part, which honestly is the only thing I could never make ;)

Btw. there are pretty similar threads at apositive.org, eg. http://apositive.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=15 or http://apositive.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=39. Maybe the answers there are of help :)

[henshin]

I'm not really sure if this is going to be helpful, but I enjoy sex and find it interesting (I mean, that sounds really detached but whatevs) because I love my partner and I really enjoy making her feel wonderful.

We have talked about performing fantasies and some s/m play etc. but I think thats more about our sexual relationship developing as we get to know each other more.

But essentially if I don't care about the person then sex will be a dull chore that I wish was over before it started.

[Mr Stranger]

Most of the things said here so far reaffirm the theory that everything is more fun if not taken seriously. How silly could sex get? When you're mixing in another form of interaction, such as the gushy relationship stuff that Xaida talked about, at what point does it switch from "sex with [other]" to "[other] with sex"? Maybe a new context would open up new opportunities. From the current point of view where we look for other things to add to sex there is a somewhat limited scope of topics to mull over. Changing perspective to a point where you look for ways to add sex to other things might be a little bit refreshing. Or would it? Would you just find the same items identified before but from a different angle, or would there actually be something new? This concept merits investigation. If there was a way to add sex to then everything would be golden.

[Nicki]

I. Love. Back scratches.

I have not had sex, but I do want to try having it at some point (sex is on my bucket list, you could say). I HAVE fooled around (clothing remained almost entirely on) with the goal of being turned on- I didn't meet my goal, but I learned a lot about what could be fun for me. I came to the conclusion that sex was basically ticklish wrestling, and I enjoy both being tickled and being wrestled with, so that was good, and my foolingfriend got a kick out of seeing me squirm and giggle over every little thing (it is a good thing I like being tickled- I'm the most ticklish person I know). What I REALLY liked though was when he'd give me back scratches. I am absolutely famous among my friends, enemies, and acquaintances for my love of back scratches. I am forever being compared to a cat or to a dog, and some people flatout refuse to scratch my back because I can never be satiated. It has been suggested to me that all my sexual energy was misplaced and went to my back- a theory I delight in even if it's a bit nonsensical. When the ticklish wrestling was going on, every now and again my partner would seem to give in and with an air of "oh, I know what you REALLY want" he would begin to scratch my back. Heaven. The ticklish wrestling was fun, sure, but the back scratching was AWESOME!

I feel that most people like being touched in some way or another- back or head scratching, head/back/hand/feet massages, tickling, wrestling, cuddling, restraining, you name it. It seems to me that combining your partner's favorite mode of touch with the sexitimes is a good way to make sex more enjoyable.

[Awkward Turtle]

I. Love. Back scratches.

I have not had sex, but I do want to try having it at some point (sex is on my bucket list, you could say). I HAVE fooled around (clothing remained almost entirely on) with the goal of being turned on- I didn't meet my goal, but I learned a lot about what could be fun for me. I came to the conclusion that sex was basically ticklish wrestling, and I enjoy both being tickled and being wrestled with, so that was good, and my foolingfriend got a kick out of seeing me squirm and giggle over every little thing (it is a good thing I like being tickled- I'm the most ticklish person I know). What I REALLY liked though was when he'd give me back scratches. I am absolutely famous among my friends, enemies, and acquaintances for my love of back scratches. I am forever being compared to a cat or to a dog, and some people flatout refuse to scratch my back because I can never be satiated. It has been suggested to me that all my sexual energy was misplaced and went to my back- a theory I delight in even if it's a bit nonsensical. When the ticklish wrestling was going on, every now and again my partner would seem to give in and with an air of "oh, I know what you REALLY want" he would begin to scratch my back. Heaven. The ticklish wrestling was fun, sure, but the back scratching was AWESOME!

I feel that most people like being touched in some way or another- back or head scratching, head/back/hand/feet massages, tickling, wrestling, cuddling, restraining, you name it. It seems to me that combining your partner's favorite mode of touch with the sexitimes is a good way to make sex more enjoyable.

This. I go totally into cat mode when someone runs their fingers through my hair. I can imagine that making things infinitely more comfortable and fun, even in a sexual context.

[zoidberger]

Most of the things said here so far reaffirm the theory that everything is more fun if not taken seriously. How silly could sex get? When you're mixing in another form of interaction, such as the gushy relationship stuff that Xaida talked about, at what point does it switch from "sex with [other]" to "[other] with sex"? Maybe a new context would open up new opportunities. From the current point of view where we look for other things to add to sex there is a somewhat limited scope of topics to mull over. Changing perspective to a point where you look for ways to add sex to other things might be a little bit refreshing. Or would it? Would you just find the same items identified before but from a different angle, or would there actually be something new? This concept merits investigation. If there was a way to add sex to then everything would be golden.

The thing is, sex can be easily sandwiched with fun and other interaction. If you have an enjoyable, say, romantic evening, you could end up being silly or emotional leading to tickle fights or back scratches/massages. That could shift to sex... And then you could cuddle or transition back to massages. By downplaying the sex portion, it could make the whole time more enjoyable.

That said, it's important to note that some asexuals would rather have sex over and done with quickly. All the lead up to it could be tremendously anxiety inducing if sex isn't of interest. This is also why it's important to have things like cuddles, tickle fights, and massages without the sexual expecting things to turn sexual (I know I wouldn't want any of those things if they turned sexual most of the time).

[Mr Stranger]

I. Love. Back scratches.

I feel that most people like being touched in some way or another- back or head scratching, head/back/hand/feet massages, tickling, wrestling, cuddling, restraining, you name it. It seems to me that combining your partner's favorite mode of touch with the sexitimes is a good way to make sex more enjoyable.

This. I go totally into cat mode when someone runs their fingers through my hair. I can imagine that making things infinitely more comfortable and fun, even in a sexual context.

Oh man are you right. I actually feel asleep on two of my friends yesterday because they were rubbing my head and back. If my partner did that, I might not even notice they were trying to sex me. It just feels so relaxing, it's as if nothing bad can happen. Due to my experiences with rape I tend to reject any and all sexual advances, even from partners I trust completely, but head/back rubs would probably be a game-changer.

[newgirl]

Sex shop for asexual

Flavor condoms for oral sex

(Strawberry, Chocolate, Banana, Mint, Vanilla and Grape) 6 boxes of 3 pack

11.95

http://flavoredcondoms.org/

Flavor dental dam for oral sex

5 pack 3.99

(Strawberry,grape,vanilla,banana, mint)

http://www.undercovercondoms.com/Condoms/Types/Dental-Dams/15/dental-dams.html?kw=dams&utm_source=95&utm_medium=ppc&utm_term=dams&utm_campaign=95

Thanks abnor

I'm going to check out vagina substitutes/masturbation sleeve for my sexual boyfriend because i'm not a fan of vagina intercourse.

Vagina substitutes

http://www.mypleasure.com/c-902-penis-sleeves-and-male-masturbation-toys.aspx'>http://www.mypleasure.com/c-902-penis-sleeves-and-male-masturbation-toys.aspx

Sex Toys

http://www.mypleasure.com/

Asexual BDSM or BDSM

check out fetlife for bdsm ideas

https://fetlife.com/

BDSM sex toy

http://www.stockroom.com/gear/

[Leelian]

I think this topic is a great idea. I think Mr Stranger has some good ideas, like making it less about the actual act of sex and more about having fun while making love.

One thing my partner and I have found that keeps me fully engaged in sexual intimacy is a game of teasing. I'll gentle touch his sensitive areas, pause (can be touching or not), and go to other areas. Or I'll tease him by leaving parts of my clothes on (socks confuse him). He doesn't mind (I like to remind him that he only has to say the word and I'll stop), sometimes even enjoys it more because lasts longer and I'm having a better time. Sometimes there will be play-fighting or play-tickling (I am super ticklish) and I'll win on top with him pinned (gently of course) and he quite enjoys that. Those both release adrenaline and feel-good hormones; I think it's great foreplay.

Occasionally, the tv will be one with something in the background, but that tends to prove to be too much of a distraction for the both of us (but something has to block out most background noise as well, or those are distractions).

[Mr Stranger]

Is it even worth it to go into roleplay? I might as well. It seems that I'm the least decent person here, sharing all of this.

Separately from all things sexual I have a thorough fixation on writing. I love making characters, worlds, plots, and webs of intrigue. My partner really liked sex. She would roleplay with me on paper, and we would take turns writing lengthy stories (the longest, titled Mutagen, reached an excess of 300,000 words before we broke up) where she would typically pair off the characters. Then, at later times during sexual encounters, we would often playact scenes that could have happened between the characters we created. It was less unpleasant because I was able to focus on the stories and acting, embracing the character and insulating myself with their personality. Also, wrapping myself in a fictional character that enjoyed the activities distanced me form the mentally, giving me breathing room away from the entire situation while me partner did their thing. This might be a viable option for those asexuals who are repulsed by the idea of sex but still want to please their partner. The roleplay provides plenty of other things to focus on and a level of detachment that could help them tolerate the encounter.

[test account]

The roleplay provides plenty of other things to focus on and a level of detachment that could help them tolerate the encounter.

You know, this sentence bothers me considerably. 'Detachment' and 'tolerate'? This sounds like abuse to me and it really disturbs me to the core. I wouldn't even consider having sex with someone who needed to detach or tolerate the encounter. I do hope you were exaggerating.

[Mr Stranger]

The roleplay provides plenty of other things to focus on and a level of detachment that could help them tolerate the encounter.

You know, this sentence bothers me considerably. 'Detachment' and 'tolerate'? This sounds like abuse to me and it really disturbs me to the core. I wouldn't even consider having sex with someone who needed to detach or tolerate the encounter. I do hope you were exaggerating.

Ehm, well, rape victim and all that. But that's a depressing story for a different thread. Let's stay happy and optimistic here, shall we?

Some asexuals want to please their partner but aren't too excited about the sex thing. They might prefer to feel removed from the technical aspect.

[newgirl]

Let's talk about "sex", asexual version :lol:

[Mr Stranger]

It seems that the general consensus about asexual sex is that it's mostly cuddling. Or only cuddling. Or sometimes not even cuddling. If we use the term asexy, can we say that we like having asex?

[Nicki]

Well if asex is basically going to refer to anything that isn't sex, then dang! I am one asex fiend! :lol:

[Rain Girl]

I agree with Sweet Golden Executionier....some elements of this post are disturbing. Mr Stranger can come across as Mr Creepy..

He is a link which is about engaging an asexual in a respectful, caring and fully consensual way...

http://grasexuality.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/how-to-have-sex-with-an-asexual-person/

[Lady Girl]

That is a really great link...I'm glad you posted it here too. I only posted it in the thread regarding this in announcements. Good going Rain Girl! :)

And I agree with Sweetex as well...if my asexual husband was totally detached or only tolerated sex I dare say we would not be having sex. If he is stressed...we don't.

[Mr Stranger]

I agree with Sweet Golden Executionier....some elements of this post are disturbing. Mr Stranger can come across as Mr Creepy..

He is a link which is about engaging an asexual in a respectful, caring and fully consensual way...

http://grasexuality.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/how-to-have-sex-with-an-asexual-person/

Ouch, but you're entitled to your opinion. Regardless, that is a good link. I remember reading it when Lady Girl put it in the ill-conceived announcement thread. I'm surprised they didn't delete that. I asked them to. Anyways, the intent here is to find interesting things for the asexuals who don't mind sex overly much but don't enjoy it either. There are people like that. The best thing for those people is to have a compromise not on frequency like many other asexual-sexual couples do, but a compromise on how their intimate relationships work. If both parties are willing, then they should both be able to enjoy the act of love. If it takes distractions or add-ons for the asexual to feel engaged in the act, then that's just how they feel.

[Guest member25959]

Keep in mind that Personal Attacks are against the ToS, some posts may come across as a personal attack so be careful with posting.

Arca/Raccoons

SPFA Mod

Remember guys, keep civil. :P

[Guest]

If it takes distractions or add-ons for the asexual to feel engaged in the act, then that's just how they feel.

I just want to make the point that it's not only asexuals who like add-ons and distractions. Role play and BDSM are two areas where distraction and add-ons are typical. Even vanilla sex can incorporate certain additional features, like turning it into a game.

Also, I hate that link. I'm sure some of that works for some people, but I find it icky... putting too much political correctness and regulations on sex is a major bummer. You want me to get "unambiguous verbal permission" to have sex with my partner? Eff off, that's what I say to that!

[Mr Stranger]

Also, I hate that link. I'm sure some of that works for some people, but I find it icky... putting too much political correctness and regulations on sex is a major bummer. You want me to get "unambiguous verbal permission" to have sex with my partner? Eff off, that's what I say to that!

Really? But then again, the material within the link applies more to new relationships where everything is an unknown. If both parties can work out another arrangement that doesn't "ruin the moment" with constant affirmation, then that can work for them. If that isn't your cup of tea then that's alright, so long as you and the asexual are on the same page. If they're a nervous person then you would have to accept that they might need to give unambiguous permission in order to feel comfortable. For example, I am one of the type that feels uncomfortable during sexual encounters, and the fact that my partner forged ahead without respect for that only exacerbated the stress I felt. I wasn't having a good time and they couldn't enjoy themselves either because of how I was reacting. It kills the mood more to have your partner constantly flinching away more than to ask for permission. Besides, couldn't you get creative with it? Maybe you could ask "Do you like this?" instead of "Is this okay?" when checking your status. That's supposed to be sexy, right? If you prefer to get lost in the moment, then maybe you could ask your partner how they feel in a different context. Just make sure that they're feeling safe and everything should be fine. That's true for all relationships, not just ones with an asexual.

[Guest]

Good, I enjoy an old fashioned game of "sexuals are rapists". Well, let's buckle in and play, shall we? First, let me point out to you that the article specifically says:

So there’s this hot asexual that you really want to have sex with. Or maybe you’re already in a relationship with someone who is asexual

First off, we're told that we must get

the “I explicitly asked them if they want to have sex right now, and received an unambiguously affirmative verbal response” kind of permission.

And what if we don't explicitly ask them if they want to have sex right now? Well, nothing good, I assure you of that! Think that your partner moaning and gasping and grabbing at your flesh was sufficient permission? Sucks for you, because according to our dear article,

At worst, you’ve just raped someone. Most likely, there was some serious coercion/pressure involved

That's right. Sexuals are filled with lust and unless they get explicit verbal permission, there is an 8 in 10 chance that a rape or serious coercion/ pressure occurred. Of course there's no way we could possibly notice that our partner

may not have been able to move or speak because they experienced the freeze part of the stress response cycle

If some 17 year old asexual who has never had sex reads this article, wouldn't their assumption be that all sexuals are coercive rapists who have no ability to control themselves and have no interest in their partner's pleasure? That's sex hysteria nonsense. That's teaching youths to be afraid of sex. That's teaching the sexually inexperienced that the exercise of sexuality is dangerous and scary, and that sexuals will likely hurt you. Does that sound like a legitimate tone of an article, or does that sound a touch anti-sex?

Most sexuals aren't dimwitted jerks who won't notice if their partner is paralyzed in fear. No, I'm not going to turn being treated like a sex offender into a sexy game. Being told that I'm one nostril twitch from rape so I better be real careful... that's not sexy. What's sexy to most sexuals is an engaging, mutually enthralling sexual event. Someone laying there paralyzed, or making no noise, or showing no signs of enjoyment isn't sexy, it's creepy. It is true that if you are just laying there paralyzed and someone continues to try to have sex with you, you should absolutely tell them to stop, but it's not like most people are going to do that. In case that was missed, let me say it again: most people aren't going to continue to have sex with someone who is lying motionless and silent.

And what about this little gem?

Plus, if you won’t ask permission and make sure everything’s okay for fear of not getting to have sex after all? That just REEKS of desperation. Is it really THAT important that you get to have sex with this particular person? Even if it’s really bad sex that is damaging and traumatic for them?

Because the only reason you wouldn't ask EXPLICIT VERBAL PERMISSION is because you're desperate, right? Obviously if you don't ask explicit verbal permission, what you're really saying is "I don't care how miserable this is for you, I just need sex." Now, does that sound like an appropriate message about sexuals to send to young asexuals? Do you think it's fine to tell young asexuals that if their boyfriend doesn't ask explicit verbal permission, it's probably because he's just so desperate to have sex that they don't care if they rape you??

You still may not be sold yet, but here's a great line...

It puts us in a very dangerous position, because we don’t know how you’re going to act or how you’ll expect us to act—or worse, we do know how you’ll act and expect us to act, and we know that your expectations don’t take our feelings into consideration at all.

Really? REALLY?? Sexuals don't take the feelings of their partners into consideration at all? Well, that's news to me! I'd like to take a poll of all the sexuals and see how well these claims stand up. From my perspective and experience, most sexuals take their partners feelings into GREAT consideration. So, what's the purpose of spreading the opposite information? Fear-based proselytizing, perhaps?

In the event that you still may think this article is sex-positive, let's look at this line:

You should be having caring sex with everybody you have sex with, even if it’s only casual sex, but asexuals are a particularly vulnerable population and we do have extra concerns to worry about that you should be aware of.

So, the author of this article feels it's appropriate to tell me what kind of sex I have to have? Suddenly we all must have "caring sex"? Who is this person to tell all of humanity what kind of sex to have? And why assume that all asexuals are brittle, fragile little butterflies? What about asexuals who are into BDSM, who are into power play or degradation? What makes "caring sex" better than dirty filthy nasty sex (aside from personal preference, of course)? And really, why assume that asexuals are weak, vulnerable victims? I don't see anything about not experiencing sexual attraction that would also make you unable to function in a sexual relationship.

I could go on and on... this article is full of comments like these. Each and every one paints sex as something dangerous. It portrays sexuals as being almost incapable of controlling themselves. It suggests that people who don't have sex are innocent, naive, vulnerable, and weak, and it suggests that people who do want sex are lustful animals who don't care about other people's feelings.

If I didn't know better, I'd say that article was written by a religious person who did a great job of masking their religiosity.

And that is why the article pisses me off.

[test account]

I was in two minds about that article and I'll tell you why: one the one hand it advocates sensitivity which is always good. On the other hand, in my personal experiences I was glad the guy did not follow those rules.

See, when we were first getting intimate, just making out, I did freeze. I couldn't open my eyes. I was stressed but I wanted to continue. I was perfectly fine to say No, but I couldn't say Yes. He stopped because of how I was behaving (like a corpse), and I had to reassure him that I would definitely have no trouble saying No if I didn't like what was happening. That was as much verbal permission as I was capable of giving, because of shame and embarrassment. I don't know if that would be considered enough in the terms of the article. It was a bit dodgy, and he had to take it on trust that I really could ask him to stop if necessary, same as I trusted him to listen to me.

So, I don't know....when I read about asking all the time before every thing, I just know how I was and how that system wouldn't have worked for me. I needed to be shown that it was okay and safe before I could admit verbally that I wanted it. Not an ideal situation, but.... *shrugs* Mind you, it wasn't like that by the time we got to actual intercourse much later, so maybe the article is to be read within that context only?

[Guest]

And really, that's my biggest issue with the article. It takes such black and white stances. Asexuals come in a variety, some of whom have sexual experience, some who have little to none... some who are sex repulsed and some who are sex curious... But the article fails to consider anyone but the archetypal horndog sexual and the timid, vulnerable asexual. I think everyone should be offended by the blanket stereotyping, followed by gross preaching of personal preferences as a global sexual code.

[newgirl]

CAN WE KEEP THIS THREAD ON TOPIC, PLEASE?

I know there are some asexual on the forum who don't want to engage in any or some type of "sex" outercourse and/ or intercourse but there are some asexual who do. Can we talk about asexual engaging in "sex" in a loving positive compromise way not fear, negative and noncompromise?

In the begininng, this thread was started by Mr Stranger and his thread was meant to give advice on sex ideas for asexual but now, this threads is talking about nonconsensual rape and some sex advice sound creepy. Let's get this thread back on track and on topic.

[Guest member25959]

Yeah... it's probably best to stay on topic.

Of course, if you want to discuss any off-topic matters more extensively, you can create an individual thread for it or request for your posts to be split from here, I wouldn't mind doing so.

[Sally]

I didn't feel like the thread went off-topic at all.

[Lady Girl]

I agree with Sally, now there can be some discussion about how gentle one needs to be with their partner. They may not like that either. I liked some of the advice, but not all of it seemed entirely practical. It did seem like there were some helpful suggestions for starting out, but even those could ruin what might happen naturally. I have to be honest...I have yet to read the entire article. I didn't get the feeling it made us out to be so aggressive, I need to finish it I guess. ;)