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Engaging Asexual Partners


Mr Stranger

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Mr Stranger

I am honestly surprised at the evident lack of creativity here. You're all wonderful, loving, caring, and supportive people, but not nearly as adventurous as I expected. And there I thought I was going to be the boring one. I'll contribute again then. It seems the things I've learned from my nymphomaniac ex-girlfriend will be useful after all. I did only learn them to avoid death by boredom, after all.

Sometimes, despite our typical roles where she was dominant and I was submissive, if she wanted sex from me I would make her earn it. I would playact that she was my servant, and she would run about doing whatever I asked of her. Each time she did something asexy, such as bringing chocolate for me, I would in return do something sexy, such as allow her to undress me a little bit. I wouldn't let her go too fast, just one article of clothing or one prolonged kiss, but it worked well enough. I would have fun getting to enjoy myself reading or somesuch while she ran errands or simply did things for my amusement, but she also found the whole master/maid thing erotic, so she would work up a significant quantity of desire and lustful energy through the proceedings. When she had finally earned her pleasure, I would allow her to fully undress me and crawl onto my lap. Then, just as she was ready to open herself for me, I would push her off onto the bed or couch while facetiously sticking my tongue out and informing her that she wasn't done yet. Generally at the point she would just pounce back onto me and we would proceed to grapple in the previously posted fashion. This whole course of events was beneficial to both of us though. I thought it was a fun change of pace, and she (eventually) got her jollies along with a healthy workout from all of the "foreplay" toil and the effort of finally subduing me enough to get her pleasure. This sequence is not nearly as uninteresting as a casual "hey, let's go screw" approach and was thereby much more pleasant for me.

To further illustrate how sex doesn't have to be painful for us asexuals, I note that this sort of thing only started to happen after a little more than a year of that particular relationship. In the very early weeks she would actually rape me in her nymphomaniac madness. She would do things to me that were painful and terrifying, counting on my insecurity to prevent me from running away. That was not a healthy definition by anyone's standards. We did eventually break due to other stresses and incompatibilities, but consider the change that took place in only a year within the sexual field. I began my relationship with her as a victim of long-term sexual abuse for the second time in my life, and ended it hardly minding sex. That is an incredible change for only a year and a half's time. In fact, that's an incredible change for a rape victim who isn't asexual or anorgasmic. If a relationship as broken as that one was able to improve so much, you can be certain that yours can improve even more. We asexuals don't like sex, but we like being entertained. Learn to make the sex itself entertaining, and suddenly many of the problems with intersexuality relationships clear like a fog.

You are all clever, loving people. Use that love for your partners to power new ventures. Makes use of it. See what your partner likes and capitalize on it. If they like food, find some way to work that in. If they like roleplay, find some way to work that in. Even if there isn't a particular thing they like, you can still makes fun games and interactions from sex if you really care about your relationship. Go ahead now, and be adventurous! I believe in you! Bring back your reports of victory, or even your reports of failure. Every post with new information is golden, as it will make engaging asexual partners that much easier for the next person to read this thread.

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My only comment is: chill, kiddo. This thread is going well, you don't need to kick it or bump it after a few hours that it stays still. Everyone has their time and good, important threads can also stay still for days before someone makes them go on again. There's no need to say that we are not creative or that we don't want to help. <_<

Just give this thread its time. :lol:

Also, thanks to everyone that has already posted, I found your posts really interesting. :cake:

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The Great WTF

My only comment is: chill, kiddo. This thread is going well, you don't need to kick it or bump it after a few hours that it stays still. Everyone has their time and good, important threads can also stay still for days before someone makes them go on again. There's no need to say that we are not creative or that we don't want to help. <_<

Just give this thread its time. :lol:

Also, thanks to everyone that has already posted, I found your posts really interesting. :cake:

To add to this, just because we don't have dozens and dozens of ways to "entertain" or partners or BE entertained doesn't mean we lack creativity. Some of our relationships require a bit of ingenuity, others do not. It's not going to go over very well if you insinuate that we're somehow not creative or adventurous just because we don't have dozens of stories of experiments or ideas right off the bat.

It's also not true that all asexuals dislike sex. Some actively enjoy it and have even been known to seek it out. The implication that we need to be entertained during sex isn't exactly a nice one either, even if you are speaking from your own experience. Please be careful of your tone or you'll risk alienating a lot of people.

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Mr Stranger

Both of your comments are duly noted, though I was actually joking about the creativity bit. Perhaps I should have included a smiley? I plead that you forgive my impatience. It just seems that with a total of I believe I read 38,000 members this thread would grow so slowly. My ADHD forbids me to wait patiently. I should find a really hobby other than harassing people on the internet.

I also have seen that not all asexuals dislike sex. This thread doesn't really apply to them though. The intent of this thread is to provide a resource that can make sex better for the asexuals who don't enjoy it. I'm not trying to alienate anyone though. This is just like one of the threads with a title such as "Aromantic only, who'd you date as a exception?" which currently tops the Asexual Relationships board. I'm not trying to by rude to anyone.

Since you have both provided me insight, however, I will show due diligence with this thread. I'll just calm myself down for a while. Please don't hold this mishap against me.

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It just seems that with a total of I believe I read 38,000 members this thread would grow so slowly.

There are a large number of people who are still registered as members of AVEN but who aren't active, so that means there are certainly less than 38,000 people around AVEN. Also, this thread is pitched to what might be a small number of asexuals: those who are interested in making sex less boring. Some of us don't find it boring so much as unpleasant, so while they may have looked at some posts, they aren't contributing. Then there are those who don't find it either boring or unpleasant, so they don't have anything to offer since they haven't needed strategies. And then you have people who simply lurk and never post about anything.

I don't know what you'd end up with when you subtract all those asexuals, but it's probably a small enough number that you should not feel bad if there aren't many posts yet.

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Not to mention that you are apparently interested in BDSM-specific suggestions, of which I have none. BDSM bores me. If someone suggested I act like their servant, or vice versa, I'd find that to be a big yawn. I've been known to fall asleep when tied up... I understand it's supposed to be tantalizing, but it's not for me. Anyway, my point being, there are about 20ish active users in the Sexual Partners section, which is already a low number, and then if you're looking specifically for kink or fetishes, you're aiming at a very specific group of about 3 people.

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Midnight Lady

I've been known to fall asleep when tied up...

It must have been a long day at work? :D

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Mr Stranger

I'm not looking for a specific kink or fetish. I've never actually done anything particularly BDSM; the little servant scenario is the closest I've gotten. I'm just looking for anything to make it less boring/unpleasant. Every idea is welcome. The two I offered were just a pair off the top of my head. The idea of someone falling asleep while tied up is a bit hilarious though. I guess that's one gambit that won't work for you.

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sexualwithasexual

I am honestly surprised at the evident lack of creativity here. You're all wonderful, loving, caring, and supportive people, but not nearly as adventurous as I expected. And there I thought I was going to be the boring one. I'll contribute again then. It seems the things I've learned from my nymphomaniac ex-girlfriend will be useful after all. I did only learn them to avoid death by boredom, after all.

Sometimes, despite our typical roles where she was dominant and I was submissive, if she wanted sex from me I would make her earn it. I would playact that she was my servant, and she would run about doing whatever I asked of her. Each time she did something asexy, such as bringing chocolate for me, I would in return do something sexy, such as allow her to undress me a little bit. I wouldn't let her go too fast, just one article of clothing or one prolonged kiss, but it worked well enough. I would have fun getting to enjoy myself reading or somesuch while she ran errands or simply did things for my amusement, but she also found the whole master/maid thing erotic, so she would work up a significant quantity of desire and lustful energy through the proceedings. When she had finally earned her pleasure, I would allow her to fully undress me and crawl onto my lap. Then, just as she was ready to open herself for me, I would push her off onto the bed or couch while facetiously sticking my tongue out and informing her that she wasn't done yet. Generally at the point she would just pounce back onto me and we would proceed to grapple in the previously posted fashion. This whole course of events was beneficial to both of us though. I thought it was a fun change of pace, and she (eventually) got her jollies along with a healthy workout from all of the "foreplay" toil and the effort of finally subduing me enough to get her pleasure. This sequence is not nearly as uninteresting as a casual "hey, let's go screw" approach and was thereby much more pleasant for me.

To further illustrate how sex doesn't have to be painful for us asexuals, I note that this sort of thing only started to happen after a little more than a year of that particular relationship. In the very early weeks she would actually rape me in her nymphomaniac madness. She would do things to me that were painful and terrifying, counting on my insecurity to prevent me from running away. That was not a healthy definition by anyone's standards. We did eventually break due to other stresses and incompatibilities, but consider the change that took place in only a year within the sexual field. I began my relationship with her as a victim of long-term sexual abuse for the second time in my life, and ended it hardly minding sex. That is an incredible change for only a year and a half's time. In fact, that's an incredible change for a rape victim who isn't asexual or anorgasmic. If a relationship as broken as that one was able to improve so much, you can be certain that yours can improve even more. We asexuals don't like sex, but we like being entertained. Learn to make the sex itself entertaining, and suddenly many of the problems with intersexuality relationships clear like a fog.

You are all clever, loving people. Use that love for your partners to power new ventures. Makes use of it. See what your partner likes and capitalize on it. If they like food, find some way to work that in. If they like roleplay, find some way to work that in. Even if there isn't a particular thing they like, you can still makes fun games and interactions from sex if you really care about your relationship. Go ahead now, and be adventurous! I believe in you! Bring back your reports of victory, or even your reports of failure. Every post with new information is golden, as it will make engaging asexual partners that much easier for the next person to read this thread.

My ace partner and I would find all of the above boring. That doesn't mean we aren't creative.

Like another poster, we're rather vanilla. My partner likes to "make love" in intellectual and creative ways, perhaps like Sally.

We don't have sex, but we are there for each other in ways that equate a feeling of being in love.

I agree with some of what Dr. Who is trying to say, and am glad for his posts, while I also understand the OP is after some idyll of what can make an asexual enjoy some level of "sexual" activity, you may be reaching for a very narrow little sub-set, thus that lack of pertinent posts. Olivier and Skulls are among some of the few sexuals with an ace here that engage in some happy compromises that include sexual gratification.

I also agree that comparing gay sexuality to an asexual situation doesn't really work. Whether gay or straight, you're still "sexual" and looking for sex. An asexual isn't . So the reasons for compromise are very different. I'm also a lesbian who has been with men. Being "sexual" helped make that situation pretty enjoyable, despite the differences in orientation.

My partner engaged in sexual activities with me for many, many years. Mostly I gather for my benefit. What she got from it is knowing I was made happy. After a certain point, it became impossible for her to continue, but that was just a natural progression. It's not so cut and dried. We don't wake up an know we are gay or asexual.

I liked Midnight Lady's response the best so far. If I asked my partner for a response, I think she'd say, "How about sipping coffee and eating homemade chocolate chip cookies you make for me? Or maybe playing with the cats? Is that sexy?" She'd be joking of course. She knows as well as I do that's not really anywhere close to sex for me!

I appreciate this thread however! But it makes me a bit jealous.

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Awkward Turtle

Well, I don't totally identify as asexual, I'm demi and have a pretty active libido when in a relationship...But, although generally happy to do things for my girlfriend, I am usually less excited about her reciprocating and games or whatnot can certainly make that a more interesting experience.

I don't know that my girlfriend and I have carefully structured games like Mr Stranger was referring to, but I do like being tied up or handcuffed sometimes. I think that's because I like knowing that my girlfriend is really into whatever she's doing if she's doing it to me, and, if I'm restrained, then her being in control means she's doing exactly what she wants. Does that make sense?

We're both ladies, and I'm...ummm....usually the "top". So, one of the other things that can be really exciting for me is when we kind of play fight over who's topping whom. Even if I would very easily agree to reversing our usual roles, the process of vying for control in itself is a lot of fun and her trying to actively take control (in a respectful, playful, consensual way) makes me feel super desirable.

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I think the best way to engage me is to just relax and have fun. I don't like sex that is geared strictly towards orgasm because it feels too pressured, and I hate romantic eye contact type sex because it's awkward and I just can't see sex as romantic. The only sex I've had that wasn't too bad was the sex that the guy was just happy to get in there and go without any pressure or expectations. I guess maybe it's my general aversion to sex, but hte idea of role play and kinky things and games and all of that makes me cringe because it just extends the process, you know? I don't mind just regular sex so much, but I'm uncomfortable enough with it all as it is...so I'd rather not make it into anything else. :)

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Mr Stranger

My partner engaged in sexual activities with me for many, many years. Mostly I gather for my benefit. What she got from it is knowing I was made happy. After a certain point, it became impossible for her to continue, but that was just a natural progression. It's not so cut and dried. We don't wake up an know we are gay or asexual.I liked Midnight Lady's response the best so far. If I asked my partner for a response, I think she'd say, "How about sipping coffee and eating homemade chocolate chip cookies you make for me? Or maybe playing with the cats? Is that sexy?" She'd be joking of course. She knows as well as I do that's not really anywhere close to sex for me!I appreciate this thread however! But it makes me a bit jealous.

Your relationship sounds a bit like an old one of mine. That aside though, it's perfectly fine to have intimacy without sexuality. They are independent concepts; they only tend to intersect frequently. Cookies are definitely asexy, and a meal together can be just as if not more intimate than any sexual activity. Apologies for making you jealous, though! Certainly something nice will work out for you.

I think the best way to engage me is to just relax and have fun. I don't like sex that is geared strictly towards orgasm because it feels too pressured, and I hate romantic eye contact type sex because it's awkward and I just can't see sex as romantic. The only sex I've had that wasn't too bad was the sex that the guy was just happy to get in there and go without any pressure or expectations. I guess maybe it's my general aversion to sex, but hte idea of role play and kinky things and games and all of that makes me cringe because it just extends the process, you know? I don't mind just regular sex so much, but I'm uncomfortable enough with it all as it is...so I'd rather not make it into anything else. :)

That's an interesting viewpoint, Abea. Far from what I had expected. That'll teach me to typecast. It seems there are two distinct classes of asexual. There are those of us who don't mind sex or can enjoy it, and others who abjure the idea altogether. You comment that you like to "relax and have fun", which is the slightest bit dissonant with the rest of your comment. What do you mean by fun there? What makes the experience fun for you?

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but hte idea of role play and kinky things and games and all of that makes me cringe because it just extends the process, you know?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :cake:

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My partner engaged in sexual activities with me for many, many years. Mostly I gather for my benefit. What she got from it is knowing I was made happy. After a certain point, it became impossible for her to continue, but that was just a natural progression. It's not so cut and dried. We don't wake up an know we are gay or asexual.I liked Midnight Lady's response the best so far. If I asked my partner for a response, I think she'd say, "How about sipping coffee and eating homemade chocolate chip cookies you make for me? Or maybe playing with the cats? Is that sexy?" She'd be joking of course. She knows as well as I do that's not really anywhere close to sex for me!I appreciate this thread however! But it makes me a bit jealous.

Your relationship sounds a bit like an old one of mine. That aside though, it's perfectly fine to have intimacy without sexuality. They are independent concepts; they only tend to intersect frequently. Cookies are definitely asexy, and a meal together can be just as if not more intimate than any sexual activity. Apologies for making you jealous, though! Certainly something nice will work out for you.

I think the best way to engage me is to just relax and have fun. I don't like sex that is geared strictly towards orgasm because it feels too pressured, and I hate romantic eye contact type sex because it's awkward and I just can't see sex as romantic. The only sex I've had that wasn't too bad was the sex that the guy was just happy to get in there and go without any pressure or expectations. I guess maybe it's my general aversion to sex, but hte idea of role play and kinky things and games and all of that makes me cringe because it just extends the process, you know? I don't mind just regular sex so much, but I'm uncomfortable enough with it all as it is...so I'd rather not make it into anything else. :)

That's an interesting viewpoint, Abea. Far from what I had expected. That'll teach me to typecast. It seems there are two distinct classes of asexual. There are those of us who don't mind sex or can enjoy it, and others who abjure the idea altogether. You comment that you like to "relax and have fun", which is the slightest bit dissonant with the rest of your comment. What do you mean by fun there? What makes the experience fun for you?

I don't ever particularly like sex, and I guess my first sentence wasn't very clear - I meant if my partner was relaxed and having fun. ;) If he's having a good time and isn't intently focused on me having an orgasm or having some sort of intense sexual or emotional experience, it's just...better. I think because I feel like I'm not particularly good at sex - afterall, I don't experience much pleasure or joy from it - it makes me very uncomfortable to feel under the spotlight. If it's clear that my partner is just happy to be there and doesn't expect porn star/crazy kinky things/the best sex of his life, it's like this weight is lifted and I can just go along with things. Oh, that's another thing! I really, really, really like it when my partner takes control of whats happening and I can just follow along. I'm not good at sex, I don't like it that much and I have no natural urges to fulfil - so when they expect me to take the lead, I feel completely lost. It's like asking me to follow the beat to a song I can't hear. So what is 'engaging' for me is if my partner takes the lead, does what he wants (obviously not things I dislike, but you know what I mean), has fun and I'm not expected to 'perform'. :)

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Mr Stranger

I don't ever particularly like sex, and I guess my first sentence wasn't very clear - I meant if my partner was relaxed and having fun. ;) If he's having a good time and isn't intently focused on me having an orgasm or having some sort of intense sexual or emotional experience, it's just...better. I think because I feel like I'm not particularly good at sex - afterall, I don't experience much pleasure or joy from it - it makes me very uncomfortable to feel under the spotlight. If it's clear that my partner is just happy to be there and doesn't expect porn star/crazy kinky things/the best sex of his life, it's like this weight is lifted and I can just go along with things. Oh, that's another thing! I really, really, really like it when my partner takes control of whats happening and I can just follow along. I'm not good at sex, I don't like it that much and I have no natural urges to fulfil - so when they expect me to take the lead, I feel completely lost. It's like asking me to follow the beat to a song I can't hear. So what is 'engaging' for me is if my partner takes the lead, does what he wants (obviously not things I dislike, but you know what I mean), has fun and I'm not expected to 'perform'. :)

That's all quite sensible. I actually agree strongly about how having the sexual partner lead is more engaging. We both seem to just flounder about wondering what we're expected to do. There are apparently well-mixed opinions here though. Other (asexual) users stated that they prefer to take control themselves so that they wouldn't have to do anything uncomfortable. Different people respond in different ways.

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MIKE'SgotTHEmike

thanks for this topic. Dont mind the haters, people who are in relationships decide to compromise must own their own decisions to do so. If you can't compromise or can't accept the limits of another person's compromises, just save yourself some time and energy and break up. All you are doing is searching for a way to make sex more enjoyable for those who don't find it enjoyable, but have compromised to a certain degree because they valued their relationship and did not see their partner's desires as being a lack of acceptance for who they are.

I personally do not compromise when it comes to getting mercy fucks, my main problem isn't that I'm not getting off, it's that as time goes on without sex I start to feel more distance and disengagement with my partner. We are both trying to work out ways to compromise that don't involve her having to do something she finds boring. I have to admit though, it's hard, and as time goes on and the 3rd week of celibacy approaches, it only feels like it's getting harder and more hopeless - and I feel like I'm losing my spirit. I swore to her I wasn't going to end our relationship on the grounds of mismatched sexuality, and I won't, but I know this lack of intimacy is coming to a head and is going to explode soon.

Your thread gives me hope. Thank you.

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Lady Girl

Mercy fuck and pity sex...two ways of saying something you obviously haven't come to understand in the slightest. :mellow:

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MIKE'SgotTHEmike

Cut the crap and Enlighten me then instead of telling me i dont understand and leaving it at that, because I have a feeling you think I'm talking about something entirely different from what I'm referring to. I have used those two phrases to my gf to describe the sex she would have with me out of pity for my sex drive, not sex we compromised on having, not sex that she was motivated to enjoy because i like havin sex (that's the problem, I said I can't enjoy I if she's not to some degree) - but sex that she was only motivated to have because she felt as a man I needed - but in reality was not into it on any level for my sake or hers - the kind of sex I knew she would resent me for if I wasn't constantly on my guard for it.

I don't even know what you're talking about, as you didn't bother to go further and tell me what you were referring to. I assume the kind of sex that comes from compromise? Well for my gf, who you know absolutely nothing about, it's still mercy and pity fucking because she can't get into it from the thought it makes me happy or what have you. She would be doing it for no other reason than out of pity or obligation. I know not everyone on aven feels that way about the sex they've compromised to have, as I don't like universalizing people experiences and reactions (kindergarten taught me well).

Now that being said, if some of these tips were able to make my gf interested in sex more than she normally is and keep her from getting bored, it's no longer a pity fuck.

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Guest member25959

Jeez, guys.

Try to stay calm and civil when you post, please <_< . ''Cut the crap'' isn't the best way to voice your disagreement, ''fuck'' isn't the best way of wording sex.

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I'm really sorry Arca, and Mike. I've read the post above mine and below it several times now and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have said anything at all. I probably couldn't appreciate what you had to say partially because of the way you said it and your choice of words.

Anyway, it doesn't really sound like you need any enlightening. Sorry again.

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Mr Stranger

Enlightenment is coming. The thread will pick up soon.

It's commendable that you want to improve your relationship with your girlfriend, regardless of how you stand in terms of "pity/mercy sex" or compromise. To be honest I'm not really understanding what you're trying to say about your compromise, it sounds like she just does it to keep you quiet and you don't like that, but hopefully this thread helps. There is a lot of compromise in every relationship, and you aren't good or bad for compromising. Relationships are built on middle ground because they're stable that way.

Though you do present yourself as a rather demanding and impatient person, we aren't here to judge your relationship. If you and your girlfriend can get along fine the way you are, then that's that. However, should any sexual problem arise, be it frequency, intimacy, or even mood, then it's safe to say that your compromise need adjustment. Try to remember that your asexual girlfriend is not enjoying herself. Her actions towards you are a display of her love and commitment. It's only fair that you reflect that love and commitment, and be willing to go at least as far out of your comfort zone as she has gone.

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MIKE'SgotTHEmike

Jeez, guys.

Try to stay calm and civil when you post, please <_< . ''Cut the crap'' isn't the best way to voice your disagreement, ''fuck'' isn't the best way of wording sex.

Felt attacked, got pissed, when I get pissed I shoot my mouth. Sorry.

I'm really sorry Arca, and Mike. I've read the post above mine and below it several times now and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have said anything at all. I probably couldn't appreciate what you had to say partially because of the way you said it and your choice of words.

Anyway, it doesn't really sound like you need any enlightening. Sorry again.

I feel like an ass, I didn't mean to attack you like that. I had a bad last couple of days with bad sleep as a result, most of the shit revolved around asexuality as a concept, and I vented a lot of that frustration out on this board. I'm sorry for snapping at you.

Enlightenment is coming. The thread will pick up soon.

It's commendable that you want to improve your relationship with your girlfriend, regardless of how you stand in terms of "pity/mercy sex" or compromise. To be honest I'm not really understanding what you're trying to say about your compromise, it sounds like she just does it to keep you quiet and you don't like that, but hopefully this thread helps. There is a lot of compromise in every relationship, and you aren't good or bad for compromising. Relationships are built on middle ground because they're stable that way.

Though you do present yourself as a rather demanding and impatient person, we aren't here to judge your relationship. If you and your girlfriend can get along fine the way you are, then that's that. However, should any sexual problem arise, be it frequency, intimacy, or even mood, then it's safe to say that your compromise need adjustment. Try to remember that your asexual girlfriend is not enjoying herself. Her actions towards you are a display of her love and commitment. It's only fair that you reflect that love and commitment, and be willing to go at least as far out of your comfort zone as she has gone.

Ah let me be more clear. The whole idea of the compromise for us is that while she doesn't feel like a lack of sex creates a distance or a feeling of a lack of intimacy, I do. However, I don't want her to just have sex with me if she doesn't enjoy it to some degree - be it because she enjoys it because it makes me happy, or she enjoys it because it feels good, or she enjoys conquering new sexual ground and exploring, or whatever. She has found that none of these approaches get her past the main problem, which is that she feels disinterested, bored, she gets distracted, and the whole thing is just negative and annoying for her. Hence why I really thanked you for the topic

So that being the case, the compromise is to find activities outside of sex, but related to it, that still foster those feelings of intimacy. Massage, light touches and body caresses, licking her ears and playing japanese tentacle rape (;) jk. sort of), breathing hot air on her neck and nipples, etc etc etc. None of these things are done with the understanding that they are in the larger context forplay, sex is not expected, the focus is taken off of orgasm and those actions are just done for their own sake - and really appreciated for their own sake.

Like I said, she does not feel the same disconnect that I do. I feel like I don't have an outlet anymore to express my feelings to her in such an intense, passionate way. Since it's not something she directly thinks about however, it's hard for her to care and really put up the effort on her own accord - it's not that she doesn't want to do it, but i feel often that since I'm the main person it effects, I have to do most of the work, and it's just exhausting and carries the chance of rejection that no one likes to face. It was a mix of these feelings and more that put me in a very sour mood, and posting around here was really the only outlet for it. Since then we've talked and she has reminded me through her actions that she really cares, and appreciates what I've given up for her - and I try to show her I appreciate the steps she does take by not forcing anything with her, not initiating anything with her, letting her decide when it's over, and not demanding orgasm or finishing even if I want to.

Really, off the keyboard I'm a very amicable, polite person. But it's the internet, where I feel social protocol dictates I don't need to take myself too seriously. I never meant to hurt any feelings though, and I advise in the future not to take any seriousness or rudeness from me with more than a grain of salt, as this is the most natural outlet for my frustrations and unfortunately it's directed all over the place.

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Hey, I'm really sorry too. I should have taken more time to read what you wrote and let it sink in. I do understand, as the situation is not easily or readily reconciled by any means...and we know it will never be 'fixed' because there's nothing to fix (except our own approach, as you mentioned, and our acceptance of our partner). I get overly sensitive I think because I don't want to be coercive in any way (just like you!).

We do have a compromise...we've only been working on it for a year (for years prior there were a lot of bad feelings, missteps, and failed attempts at all of the options available to us...which seems to be 3). We've made huge steps towards a happy medium point, but I still have my moments. Unfortunately, the mercy/pity thing almost always makes me question everything...it seems somehow connected to justification for me, and makes me feel like a bad person.

Thanks so much for the apology, and I'm truly sorry as well. :)

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I don't really have much experience, but if I had an asexual partner, I'm not sure I would bother to try to interest them in sex, because their lack of interest would kill my interest. I'd probably be frustrated and hurt, but I would hate to have to distract them or play games to get some sex. It would make me feel even worse. I might do it I suppose, if I was really miserable and starting to think about cheating. Like I say, I have no experience of this, so who knows what I'd do in reality. But on face value, as a hypothetical situation, it seems to me like it would just reinforce that I am not sexually desirable to my partner.

And you know, I don't think that knowing he was asexual would make me feel any better about that. I would feel just awful, because it's important to me to feel sexually desirable. I don't know if asexuals understand that need, why it matters. It matters because my sexual potency is part of my living identity. I don't want that negated by my partner who I love and desire. I know an asexual person couldn't help not finding me desirable but it would be so painfully disconfirming. And so yeah, if it came to trying to distract him and make it fun, then heck, I'd sooner pretend we didn't have or need a sexual relationship at all. Not one that involved any sort of emotions anyway.

Asexuals often talk as though a sexual just gets off physically with sex. But it's not like that for everyone. For me, the physical component is worthless without the emotional component, the knowing that we both recognize each other's sexual potency and hunger for it. Otherwise, how would it be any different for me to have sex with someone I have to pay or a lifeless doll? That's how I feel about it. I also hope its clear I'm not judging anyone else in saying that. We're all different.

Anyway I understand this thread may be helpful to others who don't share my feelings. I just wanted to put a word in there for the sexuals like me who don't necessarily see play as a worthwhile solution. Not that I have another one. Sorry about that.

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sikovprtnding

and therein lies the problem. There is an old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink". This is exactly what is going on in my marriage. I do not desire sex at all. I have no need for it. So, when I do have sex I would prefer it to be done and over with as quickly as possible. My husband expects me to "like" it so he tries harder to get the response he wants but in the end he can not make me "drink the water". Its a vicious circle. I don't want sex, he wants me to want sex. So, I fear the "compromise" will not work in our particular situation. Good luck to those of you who can make it work!

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zoidberger

Just wanted to add a TMI to this post.

One thing that has worked in our relationship regarding oral sex on my end is making a silly game out of it. We have a variety of flavoured lubes that can be used (and are actually amazingly tasty). Those in conjunction with playing almost in tickle fight-like fashion can make things drawn out and quite enjoyable. My partner enjoys the control aspect (in a basic way of holding my hands above my head so I struggle when she plays). She actually gets a ton out of it and is usually the one that initiates it. Anyway the whole thing really doesn't feel extremely "sexual" but more like a teasing game and can be enjoyable for both parties.

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and therein lies the problem. There is an old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink". This is exactly what is going on in my marriage. I do not desire sex at all. I have no need for it. So, when I do have sex I would prefer it to be done and over with as quickly as possible. My husband expects me to "like" it so he tries harder to get the response he wants but in the end he can not make me "drink the water". Its a vicious circle. I don't want sex, he wants me to want sex. So, I fear the "compromise" will not work in our particular situation. Good luck to those of you who can make it work!

Part of the answer to the compromise conundrum is in your observation. I cannot expect him to want sex, anymore than he can expect me not to wish he wanted it. But like in science, there are times when behaviors that are observed change solely because one begins observing them. The only thing I can say is somehow we are both happy with what we have...even though we are not stupid enough to think it is ideal, we are nonetheless happy with what each of us can give the other.

Neither one of us is leading the other to water, or making them drink it. I guess for us the bottom line is that we are not two horses. Because we want to be together, we are one horse in regards to this.

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zoidberger

I agree with lady girl that you can't really make someone want or desire sex. If you put a lot of pressure or reliance on that specifically it's going to build up in resentment or guilt. It's the same with everything in a relationship you can't dwell on changing someone else. You can however try to make things a happy medium for the both of you.

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I am not asexual, but I am sexual with sexual trauma.

Having that said, I am very much like an asexual in that I don't enjoy sex. I am different in that I do think about sex, but I often do not like to do so because it ends up turning into something stomach churning or else emotionally painful.

My partner is sexual as well, but he is new to the whole thing so he never really initiated until very recently. All the while I would initiate, thinking that's what I had to do in a relationship, but he is a very gentle and patient person and NEVER pressured me into anything-which gave me a lot of lee-way to back out of things that made me feel uncomfortable. I'm sure some asexuals can relate to that, being appreciative of not being pressured to do sexual things.

Now, very very recently, he HAS begun to initiate, and although we are a very long distance away (FL and CA), we have had two encounters now that were very satisfying for the both of us-and I mean satisfying in that he 'got off', and I did not experience emotional turmoil.

The way we did it was through mutual masturbation. Again, I am not an asexual, but I think this advise could work for asexuals because of the way we did it. It went one at a time, one person pleasuring themselves sexually while the other one 'helped' them, not by being sexual, but by being very sensual, kissing, caressing, touching hair and chest and sides and inner thighs and all the other sensitive bits BESIDES the genitals.

To help things along, the second time I bought him a toy-a Tenga Egg. I do not like intercourse whatsoever because of the intense trigger effect it has on me, so I got him a vagina-substitute :] In general, he uses this masturbation sleeve on himself while I continue to caress his hair and face and kiss him and touch him in all the other places besides the sexual bits. He is a very sensitive person and can't take rough play, so we are always very gentle and slow with each other.

Oh I forgot. To distract me from the fact that what we are doing is sexual (because the thought itself throws me for a tizzy), we have long intimate conversations, usually about science or about an event we enjoyed going to together, usually giggling and using word play, being all intellectual and what-not.

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I am not asexual, but I am sexual with sexual trauma.

Having that said, I am very much like an asexual in that I don't enjoy sex.

Some asexuals do enjoy sex. The non-enjoyment of sex isn't what makes someone asexual.

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