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Yet another "I'm somewhat confused" thread


nielsbohr

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I knew about asexuality for a few years now, but never really felt like I could identify with it because I don't have a total lack of desire. Just recently I've learned about Grey-A and it made me question myself once again, I found this sentence on the AVEN Wiki and unlike asexuality, I do think I can relate to it - "people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances". It's not that I don't want to have sex at all, but it's never been an important thing for me, nor had I ever understood how can "regular" people be so obsessed about having sex, it's just not something I'm terribly interested in. If I was in a relationship, trusted the other person and she knew about my feelings on the issue, then I suppose I'd be reasonably comfortable with having sex, but in virtually any other circumstance I just don't see why would I want to.

Does anyone feel similar or perhaps has some thoughts on the matter?

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Janus the Fox

Yes, I can relate somewhat with the Gray Area with rare attractions, a sex drive that is non-existant and a rare libido. Still, I will not turn down sex from long term friendships that could turn romantic (a or gray romantic, perhaps capable, but no desires for myself). I also find sexual thought pleasing, rather than distressing.  

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I also find sexual thought pleasing, rather than distressing

I find them annoying, to be honest. I wish I had a switch that would turn them off so I wouldn't waste my time on them.

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Kitty Spoon Train

Does anyone feel similar or perhaps has some thoughts on the matter?

Yes. I'm personally very similar to this: "If I was in a relationship, trusted the other person and she knew about my feelings on the issue, then I suppose I'd be reasonably comfortable with having sex, but in virtually any other circumstance I just don't see why would I want to."

The easiest way to describe myself is demisexual, because pretty much everything (in terms of "me actually having sex") rides upon having a specific connection with a specific person. It's a bit more complicated than that - to be more accurate I'm sort of more of a Demisexual/Gray-A with a strong Romantic Asexual streak. But meh, labels. The core of the issue is that sex just isn't in the "foreground" for me, unless I'm in a specific relationship with a specific person.

(Slightly crude TMI ahead....)

It's very hard to describe this feeling to sexuals, because it seems to be a very fundamentally different way of processing sexual feelings. The closest analogy I've seen is that sexual release is a bit like urination. eg. Sure it can feel good to take a huge slash after having to hold it in for ages - but I don't go out of my way to drink huge amounts of water and then sit around holding it in - just so I can experience the awesome relief of taking a huge slash after holding it in. So it's kind of a very "secondary" life pleasure, and not something I'm driven towards setting up and doing on purpose much.

That's a mostly physiological release explanation of course - as for the connection between sexual pleasure and intimacy - again, it's hard to explain. But essentially there isn't much connection there for me. This is where my Romantic-Ace side is very strong. I don't really feel that sex does anything to connect me "more" to a person that just cuddling, spending quality time together, etc, already does. But in long term relationships some wires do seem to cross which switch this on - but it's all very abstract.

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Notte stellata

It's not that I don't want to have sex at all, but it's never been an important thing for me, nor had I ever understood how can "regular" people be so obsessed about having sex, it's just not something I'm terribly interested in. If I was in a relationship, trusted the other person and she knew about my feelings on the issue, then I suppose I'd be reasonably comfortable with having sex, but in virtually any other circumstance I just don't see why would I want to.

I can relate to this. I can enjoy sex, but I'm 99% sure I can be perfectly happy without sex. Sex for me is like an activity I enjoy once a while, say, karaoke singing. I definitely don't have to go to karaoke frequently, and even if I never do it for the rest of my life, I wouldn't feel unhappy at all.

I also have to be very close and trusting to a person (most likely in a relationship) to be comfortable with having sex, but even so, I don't actively desire sex. That's why I think I'm gray-A but not demisexual.

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