Demi virgin with concerns about romantic love's potential take on sex?

[Kiløhertz]

So I'm just curious to see if I'm not the only one who feels like this. D: Warning, you're about to descend into a Giant Hulking Wall O' Text.

I'm a 24-year-old female demisexual virgin - not religious, unattractive, shy, or whatever else; I've just never had the slightest desire to have sex until I fell madly in love with my current [VERY heterosexual] boyfriend, like MADLY in love with him - I will refer to him as 'D.' He's just as in love with me as I am with him, and really, if it were practical for us, we would be married right now - not kidding. xD He's pretty incredible. Anyway, we're planning on probably having sex rather soon, and I'm really excited about it, especially since my first time is going to be with this man whom I love more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. However, he's had a few sexual partners before he met me.. nothing unexpected; he's attractive and well-liked among the people he knows. I know it's pretty irrational, but I'm really trying to battle this disheartening feeling that when we have sex for the first time, I'm somehow not going to be as special to him as he is to me. I'm pretty sure that I feel this way because as I perceive things, there is no such thing as sex without true love [although I'm absolutely well-aware that that is NOT true whatsoever!]. It's just hard for me to separate the two in my mind/heart in order to understand how it works for other people, as I don't know what it's like to feel sexually-attracted without love there as well. I know that D really loves me and would not ever lie to me about anything - especially not that - and he's also been extremely patient with waiting for me to trust him fully in order to take this step that we are both personally ready to take. [i also have a history of being sexually- and emotionally-abused by past boyfriends, so I suppose that factors into my trust issues - even though I know he's NOTHING like those past guys.] But I just worry that it may not feel as special on his end as it will on my end because he's had sex without true love before, and also because, as a demi, I can't get my heart to understand that it's possible.

I don't know; perhaps this all has nothing to do with me being a demi and D being fully-sexual as it does with me having been psychologically-scarred from the past. But even so, I'm just wondering.. is this something common among very romantic demis? Not feeling like sex must mean as much to sexuals as it does to us because they can desire it and have it without necessarily having fallen madly in love with their partner, whereas romantic demis are [as I understand it] by nature more restricted with it because it only blossoms out of a strong emotional connection?

I know that D loves me more than life itself; every action he has shown and everything he's told me makes that crystal-clear. And I feel exactly the same for him. We've talked about the situation, everything, and he's been so sweet and understanding with all of my concerns. All of the logic is there; it's just that my emotions still won't match what I intellectualise from the whole situation, and so I just wonder if this persistent, nagging idea has to do with my demisexuality and just not being able to relate. It's making me hesitant to give up my virginity to him, because I want to be absolutely sure that it's the same on both sides.

Is anyone else like this? Words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for reading through all that. xD I hope it all makes sense; I've been awake all night composing music, and now I have a headache from being up for too long, so it's a bit hard to proofread. :P Thank you so much in advance!

[zoidberger]

You've obviously laid out that he is head over heals about you. That in itself means that anything you share in the relationship (including sexual stuff) is going to be extra special. Don't throw yourself in a trap of wonder and really try to limit some of the pressure around sex if you can. He has chosen to be in a relationship with YOU and that means that he feels YOU are the most special in his eyes and nothing can compare.

I think you'll find this is a fairly common mindset, but if you do both feel the way you've described, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

[Philip027]

I know it's pretty irrational, but I'm really trying to battle this disheartening feeling that when we have sex for the first time, I'm somehow not going to be as special to him as he is to me.

Given the wide varieties of tastes, preferences, etc. people have just on this site alone, let alone the rest of us, I'm pretty sure it's never exactly the same for any two people. You might as well be trying to match fingerprints.

That being said, I wouldn't linger on his past. He seems to like you here and now. That's really all that matters, isn't it?

[I'm a person too!]

At first I was wondering what a 'demi virgin' was but firgured it out :P I'm not demi but have pretty much the same concerns. Its like sex means something completely different to us and we're concerned that that could be lost in translation. I'm really glad to read that you two are open and honest about how you feel and regard the situation and it seems to me that that communication is going to be what pulls you through this, one way or the other. Only you can know your heart, just as only he can know his. Keep communicating and you'll never have to second guess each other, never have to assume that there were no fireworks on his end. And if there aren't, just remember that relationships are multifaceted and not all sides have to be perfect. Love with your heart, think with your mind. Genitals don't [shouldn't] do either of those.

Person

[Awkward Turtle]

This sounds like something you might want to discuss with "D" because you might be surprised by his attitude towards this. You seem to be making an assumption about what sex means to him in general, but is this something he's actually talked about?

I'm demi, too, and I sort of had these kinds of anxieties with the two people I've fallen in love with in my life (both sexuals). I worried that because they had much more sexual experience, and experienced sexual attraction fully that sex could be and was not as big a deal for them. In some ways, this was true - they didn't need to be in love to enjoy sex - but my belief that sex and love were totally separate things to them wasn't on point either.

My current partner, when I brought this up actually said, "I think it's so much nicer with you because I know you really care about me, and I feel the same about you."

So, I'd recommend talking to your partner, because he might just be in the same kind of headspace.

[kochouran]

I've never labeled myself as a demisexual, but I wonder if I am because of how against hook-ups I am. On one hand, I see sex as just something people do, but on the other hand, it boggles my mind that people would trust someone they don't know very well with their bodies. The fact that my partner admitted that he was okay with random hook-ups bothers me more than if he was not a virgin (though him being a virgin did make easier for me to agree to sex from a health perspective). When he said that, I couldn't help but feel expendable. I tried to push the insecurity away and see things from his point of view, but it just led to anxiety and other negative feelings because I didn't tell him. Even after I did, those feelings still pop up because it's hard to see things from a point of view when we're almost instinctively one way (and when you add factors from the past, it becomes very hard).

So moral of the story: keep talking with your boyfriend. Also, when you do have sex, keep it in the moment so you have less to be anxious about.