Pax F Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 It just came to my mind... how do you tell someone you love that you just don't feel like having sex with them? I believe there's no way of saying something like that without creating a big misunderstanding... I'm sorry again if my question seems too rude I guess I should put some sort of warning with the title(?) My last girlfriend had a high sex drive so that question came to my mind very often, I don't mind sex, its just that... it frustrates me that I don't understand how it helps couples "strengthen" their bond, and even when I might find it physically satisfying, I always find myself in an uncomfortable position afterwards because all I can think about is "go shower" (and before doing it... in my mind I'm like, ahhh... I'll have to shower again.. -.-') please don't misunderstand me, I am a very affectionate person... I really am but even when I have a "normal sex drive" i'd rather not act upon it... :( And I apologize again for talking so "carelessly" about this things... I just don't know where else I could ask? Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 My partner knew I was asexual long before we became an item, so I never had the awkwardness of 'I love you but I don't want to have sex with you'. Beyond that I'm not sure how explaining that you are asexual and thus do not experience a desire for sex could lead to a misunderstanding. Some people might have a hard time accepting it and look for reasons for your asexuality, but they should, at a base level, understand. Link to post Share on other sites
mindlife Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 The partner I'm with knew that I wasn't straight from the minute he met me. When I told him about my asexuality some weeks after we met, he wasn't surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariesmom07 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Well you sound like my husband lol. When we met he didn't tell me...he told me that sex wasn't that important. And of course how many times does one hear a guy say that?! So I kind of took it with a grain of salt. I quickly realized something was different. We've been together 3 yrs in august now...I actually left him for a short time because of the sex thing. I spent months crying and being upset thinking something was wrong with me or he was cheating or he was gay even. He told me he has never felt sexual. He also has to shower immediately after sex and has alot of anxiety before sex. We did get back together and he really did try to be more sexual but I soon realized he just isn't that person. I love him anyways and I've had to change my way of thinking. I used to be pretty sexual. I've kind of just gotten to this place where sex isn't important anymore we have a wonderful relationship I have a son from a previous marriage and we are expecting my second and his first in July. I think complete honesty is the best way. If the person you're with really loves you they will accept you for who you are no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
Silvernight Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 My last girlfriend had a high sex drive so that question came to my mind very often, I don't mind sex, its just that... it frustrates me that I don't understand how it helps couples "strengthen" their bond, and even when I might find it physically satisfying, I always find myself in an uncomfortable position afterwards because all I can think about is "go shower" (and before doing it... in my mind I'm like, ahhh... I'll have to shower again.. -.-') please don't misunderstand me, I am a very affectionate person... I really am but even when I have a "normal sex drive" i'd rather not act upon it... :( And I apologize again for talking so "carelessly" about this things... I just don't know where else I could ask? Know what you mean, my boyfriend still doesn't know it, but I'll have to tell him eventually. It's just we've never even talked about sex, let alone have it and I absolutely don't want to be the one to start. It's not that hard to explain but people often don't believe you, and when they get condescending I get really pissed. I totally understand you with the whole "shower" thing :D Whenever I imagine the having sex situation, the only thing I can think of - eugh, god almighty, I need shower. I also wonder, if this means I have to wash the sheets every time? xD Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 If the person you're with really loves you they will accept you for who you are no matter what. They may accept who you are and love you, but that doesn't mean that they will be able to accept a life without a partner who wants sex as they do. Those are two different things, and the problems involved in that are often discussed on AVEN's Sexual Allies threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Ravako Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 In my opinion if sex is a make-or-break type of issue for a relationship, you probably shouldn't be with that person. Being in a relationship means you both need to come to agreements and one partner should not be the one getting more of the "pleasure" out of a relationship. As I said, though, this is only my opinion. To me, sex has NEVER, EVER equaled love, and if your partner seems to think so and you don't agree with that, I don't think they're the type of person for you. Quite honestly, though, just talk to them. You shouldn't be afraid of your significant other. You know them better than we do. You know much better than anyone on this forum how you should tell them about this. If you honestly can't just TELL them something as important as this, I'm not sure there's much to tell you. Just say "Hey, I'm asexual." explain what that means, and just tell them that you don't like/enjoy/want sex and that doesn't mean you don't love them. If they can't accept that, you're just going to have to cross that bridge. You shouldn't hold back important things like your sexuality from your partner. It's not fair to either of you. edit: sorry for the accusatory tone. not a morning person. Anyway, I just want to say that you'd be surprised at how accepting people can be. Don't be afraid, is what I've been trying to say. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Anara Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 I did it in stages (as I was figuring it out myself, and before I had really discovered AVEN), starting with things like "sometimes I think I might be asexual because I have a low sex drive" and "I get crushes on people but not sexual crushes." And then my partner asked me something like "except for me, right? You're sexually attracted to me?" and I said "uh, no." And then we had this temporary fallout where she didn't understand and was pretty offended. But we talked it out, and through doing some education work on both our parts (she found a great little zine called "asexy life" which I recommend), we're working through it. Now she's often the one to say "you're NOT broken!" when I'm feeling down on myself for being "different." However you bring it up, good luck! You will probably have to talk it out a whole bunch, and yeah, you might have some misunderstanding for awhile, because asexuality is a pretty foreign concept to someone who is sexual. But that doesn't mean you can't work through the misunderstandings! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I'm of the mindset that it doesn't matter how you bring it up... what matters is that you keep talking about it. Yes, there will be misunderstandings, and some of them will be from you. Accept that being desired is hugely important to most people. Accept that when telling your partner that you're asexual, you're telling them more than just "I don't want to have sex"... you're also telling them: 1. Nothing is ever going to get "better", aka, there is never going to be more sex 2. You haven't been wishing for more sex all this time 3. You don't desire her 4. All those previous times when you had sex, you weren't desiring her then either 5. All those other times when you had sex, you didn't want to have sex Which can lead to feeling like she's alone in the relationship. That when she thought you two were in a sexy, loving mood together, she was actually in it alone and you were there hoping it would end soon. She may feel alone and embarrassed. My advice... talk and talk and talk, and realize that it's an ongoing process. Link to post Share on other sites
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