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My partner is struggling with her orientation.


HarryBModest

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HarryBModest

Recently my partner read an article discussing asexuality, and said that if she were to describe herself as anything, she'd call herself Grey-A. I'm sexual, and sex has been the centre of many fights (which likely comes as no surprise). I, like many people I've read about here, wondered if there was some sort of problem with me or that the issue might be due to some illness or malady that could be fixed. After reading the article myself, I was quite intrigued by the idea of Grey-A, since the description seemed to match my partner, and it really helped explain a lot. The article mentioned this site, so I made this my first stop for more information. I spent a lot of time reading different topics on this forum, and reading the wiki to try and learn as much as I could about asexuality. After doing my research, I told my partner to visit the site, and suggested that she take a look herself. That was about a week and a half ago.

Finally, tonight I got a response in the form of a letter (she works better in text since she has time to organize her thoughts. This wasn't her being passive or avoiding me). She said that she's done lots of reading herself, but doesn't identify with the label Grey-A. She still feels like there's something wrong with her and that she needs to fix it.

Reading the forums here have really helped me see her attitude towards sex as just another feature of who is, rather than something that can be changed. Now that I realize that her sex drive works quite differently from mine, I don't take it personally if she's not in the mood for sex. As a result, we've actually been able to talk about sex without it turning into a fight. I've also stopped myself from trying to turn cuddles into sex to try and show her that cuddles can just be cuddles.

My real question here is this: what can I do to help support her while she tries to understand what all this means for her? I realize that everybody is different, and what might help one person might do more harm than good for another. But I'm wondering what kind of experiences other people have had, either with their own sexuality or with their partners. What sort of emotions did you go through? For those who struggled with the process, what could have made it easier? Reading other people's experiences has been helpful so far, so I'm hoping that I can learn more from people with more experience.

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Another lost one

Recently my partner read an article discussing asexuality, and said that if she were to describe herself as anything, she'd call herself Grey-A. I'm sexual, and sex has been the centre of many fights (which likely comes as no surprise). I, like many people I've read about here, wondered if there was some sort of problem with me or that the issue might be due to some illness or malady that could be fixed. After reading the article myself, I was quite intrigued by the idea of Grey-A, since the description seemed to match my partner, and it really helped explain a lot. The article mentioned this site, so I made this my first stop for more information. I spent a lot of time reading different topics on this forum, and reading the wiki to try and learn as much as I could about asexuality. After doing my research, I told my partner to visit the site, and suggested that she take a look herself. That was about a week and a half ago.

Finally, tonight I got a response in the form of a letter (she works better in text since she has time to organize her thoughts. This wasn't her being passive or avoiding me). She said that she's done lots of reading herself, but doesn't identify with the label Grey-A. She still feels like there's something wrong with her and that she needs to fix it.

Reading the forums here have really helped me see her attitude towards sex as just another feature of who is, rather than something that can be changed. Now that I realize that her sex drive works quite differently from mine, I don't take it personally if she's not in the mood for sex. As a result, we've actually been able to talk about sex without it turning into a fight. I've also stopped myself from trying to turn cuddles into sex to try and show her that cuddles can just be cuddles.

My real question here is this: what can I do to help support her while she tries to understand what all this means for her? I realize that everybody is different, and what might help one person might do more harm than good for another. But I'm wondering what kind of experiences other people have had, either with their own sexuality or with their partners. What sort of emotions did you go through? For those who struggled with the process, what could have made it easier? Reading other people's experiences has been helpful so far, so I'm hoping that I can learn more from people with more experience.

She might need a little time/ space. That's the way I was about the issue for a good while (before I had a name for it). But after a bit of time (you're just going to have to use your best judgement on duration) you might ask her if she wants to discuss it. And if she does do your best to just listen, and offer support as best you can.

Sounds like what you're doing thus far is great. Keep up the no pressure cuddles (if she likes cuddles) and kindness!

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I've nothing to add here except cake, sympathy, and best wishes. Please let us know how things go!

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