Am I grey?

[Kitty Kit Kat]

I discovered this site yesterday morning, and spent all day reading about asexuality and the different types. It was a real eye opener, and I feel horrible for what I've done to my relationship with my girlfriend.

I broke up with her recently, because I thought it was best. I misunderstood what 'asexuality' was, and when she told me that she was an ace, I thought she was just being nice and telling me that so she didn't hurt my feelings and that she wasn't really into me or anything. and I had mistaken my recent 'urges' as some sort of weird instinctual sex drive, and I didn't want to cheat on her again. (I had sex with a guy just over a month ago, and was so scared that she would be upset that I didn't tell her about it, because once we did it the urge was gone and I was fine.)

I acted before really researching and looking into not only what she is, but what I am too.

I always thought I was 'weird', not enjoying sex as much as my friends said they do. It's kind of boring actually. (trying not to go too TMI for you guys haha.) I started dating this girl two and a half years ago, and I was happy giving up sex. My ex boyfriend used to constantly force me to have sex, and I never really liked it. After about a year or so though, I started getting small urges, but they weren't anything I couldn't take care of myself. As the next year went on though, the urges got more and more frequent, and in June last year I let a guy in my pants. It wasn't because I /wanted/ sex, I just wanted to see if perhaps it was my exboyfriend who just 'wasn't good enough', or if it was me.

Turns out it was me, and I didn't even think about having sex for six more months.

Then last month I got extremely sexually frustrated (if that's even the correct term) and slept with a guy. That one night was enough for me and I haven't really been having urges like I used to before. I didn't tell my girlfriend about it because I figured it wasn't that big of a deal and he would eventually leave me alone and move on from the one night stand we both agreed upon. She had told me, when she told me she was asexual, that I could have sex with other people and at first I was really taken aback, still going on my thought she just wasn't into me anymore, and thought she just didn't care if she was or wasn't in a relationship.

I've never 'wanted' sex. The idea of having sex with a guy isn't appealing, and I'm just not interested at all in having sex with girls. I prefer to date girls over guys though, so I guess that part falls under the 'biromantic' field.

I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving my girlfriend so that if the urges came around again, that I wouldn't have to cheat on her to fix it. I didn't want to leave her but I hated cheating. I thought I was just doomed to be straight, and have to have sex with guys to manage that. But looking around on here and on the web, I've come to realise that my perception of myself was wrong the entire time, and found a few things to help lower my libido; I think that would be really beneficial for me to try some of them out for any future relationships since I don't really want to be in a sexual relationship again.

I'm thinking I'm grey-a, but I thought I'd sort of write down my story and see what you guys thought. I really want to try to fix the relationship I broke, and now that I understand myself and her, I was hoping you guys might have advice on how to talk to her about it. I really hurt her by lying, and I made it sound like the only reason I left her was because of the sex issue, which didn't help at all.

[MadRat]

I think you should tell her the truth. If you are not able to tell her eye to eye, send her an e-mail or tell her through ICQ or something like this.

It could work well between you and her. Don´t dissipate such a good chance.

[Kitty Kit Kat]

I would try to talk to her about it eye to eye but she lives just far enough away that it's really hard for me to see her more than once a month, if I can even afford it then. Gas prices and all. :P but I have sent her a letter about it, over another site, and she didn't really respond to it but we're talking a lot more often now, and now that I'm finally feeling comfortable with myself and seeing that she and I can still talk about normal things, I'm actually okay being 'just friends' for now. I apologised for misunderstanding everything, and told her everything I found out and what I would do to work on my issues in the relationship with the libido thing, and so now I'm just going to focus on rebuilding the bonds.

[MadRat]

Good luck. ;)

[Kitty Kit Kat]

ahaha thanks. :) I'm sure it'll just take time to get her trust back and things.