I Think I'm Gray-A

[inoshishi83]

I read the Q & A section, and fit a cross between Demi and Gray-A,mostly Gray-A. However, I've had high sexual attractions to celebs, but when I contrmplate the realistic thought of if I faced them, and they wanted sex, my reaction would be to flee!

I can have an instant attraction to someone and would want to date them, but would rather get to know at least the basics about them first, and even give it a try.

Catch: i have no desire to have sex until I'm married- by this, I mean old-fshioned type. No oral. Nothing else. Simple- if even. However, I can do without sex at all, as long as there's sensuality with deep emotion.

Oddly, I have had a high sex drive on and off, alternating to a low sex drive, as I have a thuroid disorder, which can simply or even highly interfere with many to all hormones in my body! I do "please myslef" from time to time- even sometimes daily, if my libido is high. Sometimes I can go 1-2 months without it.

I have had and sometimes still do have fantasies and have even watched porn and criticized it. I've even attempted to use a "toy" because I could never understand what the hype was about- sex being "so great"! Even though it's very rare I use that even, I have such an irrational fear of the ideal 2 bodies are against another- key words AGAINST.

My dear mostly stems from being so highly sensitive to touch (even some things I see can cause certain fears, and even many sounds of certain frequencies can cause my eardrums ro vibrate!), that I cannot tolerate jeans or pants with a button on it without get a massive amount of anxiety. I've had this issue since I was only 5- and am now 28. I also cannot tolerate buttoned shirts, unless I have an under shirt, thick enough to counteract that feeling.

I also have such an enormous fear of pregnancy, as I could not bare a child, not only because I always had difficulty tolerating kids, but I have such a low tolerance to pain, it's almost inhumane. Then, I also have to worry about STDs, regardless the protection provided out there!

My greatest fear of all, at least that I know of consciously, is my emotional tolerance. Having Borderline Personalty Disorder, Parinoia issues, Post Traumatic Stree Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder (I know, I'm excess baggage! -__-), makes this so complicated, it bothers me beyond words. Also, living with Co-Dependacy makes it near impossible for me to be with anyone- period.

However, I don't mind dating, and am willing to test my emotions, to an extent, to test my strength, as it seems to help me a little. But once sensuality sets in, I'm apathetic at first since Ii have such a "wall" barrier built high and thick. Yet, once I give in, there's NO turning back- for good. Even if the relationship was to not work out, it stays with me forever (PTSD will help worsen this). So, the thought of having sex, intensifying and magnifying the emotions, is a plot for doom for me- especially the other, as many don't understand why I'm this way.

My family and friends don't even know this, except my mom, who only knows the outer surface. Yet, when I described to her that I might be Asexual, before ever knowing this sight existed, and I discovered I fit Gray-A the most, she always gave me a certain look that made me feel so awkward, simple because she doesn't understand and is confused by it. Regardless, I feel judged, even though she accepts me, regardless, and so highly misunderstood, that after finding out, tonight, that I'm truly Gray-A, I have no intentions of telling anyone I know, in person, this at least for a good year, as I have enough issues now as it is!

And on top of all this, I've dated men, but have worked in adult dancing in the past (strictly clubs, since it was strictly dancing, and no sex allowed). I've daned with girls to please a man's night. I've always felt a comfort with women I've never felt with men. Yet, I've always had sexual attractions to men(w/o any desire to perform) I've never had with women. So, I'm confused about that- if I'm a straight Gray-A or a Bi-Gray-A.

In advance, please excuse any typos! This is my 99% full detailed description, so please excuse the long novel! LOL :P

Thanks in advance, for reading and any replies. :)