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Fear?


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I experience what I can only assume is sexual attraction, but completely separate from any desire or inclination to act on it. I've been tentatively identifying as grey for a couple of weeks now; I say tentatively because I'm not sure whether I can honestly call myself grey.

I was raised in a strongly Christian atmosphere. The moment I was old enough to understand sex, everyone started telling me why I shouldn't do it. As a result, I have no idea whether my disinterest sex is a natural part of my mind or a product of the moral system that was ingrained in me from childhood.

The reason this is problematic is that my disinterest in sex does not take the form of repulsion nor indifference, but rather fear. While I'll admit that it sounds nice in theory, the idea of actually engaging in sexual activity frightens me somehow. Fear of the unknown, or something like that. And since it seems irrational, common sense tells me I ought to eventually try to overcome this fear.

By that I don't mean that I think I should venture out and attempt to "get laid," just that when/if I manage to enter a romantic relationship, I will have no rational explanation or excuse for not having sex. Being a bit of an apostate, I can't honestly fall back on the "waiting for marriage" spiel, and simply saying "I'd rather not have sex ever, for no real reason" just sounds incredibly unreasonable.

Basically, the heart of the matter is that I am desperately hoping that I am grey, but I don't know if I can legitimately and honestly label myself as such, because in all the lurking I've done in this subforum since I joined, I have never seen anyone who identifies as grey describe themselves as being frightened of sex. Is fear in any way a normal/healthy/okay reaction to have?

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I can identify with a great deal of what you say here. I think I too have a fear of sex to some extent, and every so often I wonder if I haven't just convinced myself of being asexual just to have an excuse. I personally don't adopt the "waiting til marriage" thing because it just doesn't feel right for me personally, despite the fact I never actually want to do it :P

...ok, I've rambled about myself enough for one post.

I imagine any doctor would tell you that nerves are normal and that you should try to push past the fear. "Fear is bad". But I don't know if that's true. Perhaps you're right and it's simply a fear of the unknown, in which case overcoming the irrational fear is the only logical option and indeed what most people would tell you to do. But I counter it with this: If you have that fear and don't want to do it, why should you have to?

The fear is only unhealthy if it is negatively impacting your life.

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Well, if you ever get to the point where you are in a relationship long enough where sex becomes a viable option, and you still feel scared, you can just say exactly that. You have a reason. It may be seen as odd or weird by some, but it is what it is. If they don't understand that, then they will most likely abstain anyway.

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Significant Form

Verbosoul, thanks for the vote of confidence. The fear doesn't even affect my life at all unless I happen to think of it :P

OctaVariuM, I've tried telling myself that as well, but it just seems too unfair to the other person. It seems to me that my chances of ever meeting a lady who would be understanding of that are miniscule compared to the chances of meeting a lady who would understand if I was, for instance, repulsed.

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Sketch Doge

I can understand that. As a demi every time I over think my own sexuality it leaves me feeling extremely disconnected from others. I would try not to think about it.

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Kitty Spoon Train

I don't have any specific advice, except to say that I believe that orientations and learned behaviours can amplify each other and become hopelessly intertwined. So I suppose this can be both discouraging and encouraging in your situation, depending on which way it runs.

I'm sort of the opposite of what you're describing: I grew up in a totally progressive and sex-positive environment, but because of my innate demisexuality I was never quite as "into" sex in the same way as most other people. So over time, this actually evolved into a kind of mild irritation with and aversion to sex. Actually, not so much sex itself (I'm still totally sex-positive in philosophy and attitude), but the massive emphasis that society puts on it. In terms of actually getting sexual myself, I don't really have fear, but I definitely have some stress and anxiety over the expectation of it coming too early for me in dating - so would strongly prefer to date other demisexuals/greys, or in general women who aren't very sexual.

Well, hope this helps. Really all I mean is that I think orientations and learned behaviours can interact in complex ways, so it might be better to just deal with the effects than to stress too much about trying to untangle the exact causes.

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Batman's Ace

I've been terrified of sex since I first understood the concept, when I was about 9 or 10, no religious instruction required. I kind of figured that fed into my repulsion. And yes, fear is a perfectly normal reaction to have, particularly with the unfortunate shame culture present in a lot of religious groups. Most people won't be completely put off by it, but the whole "it's wonderful and blessed (evil evil evil!)" spiel can be quite confusing and produce prodigious quantities of anxiety.

The explanation of fear is acceptable--there are plenty of people who are afraid for one reason or another--and if repulsion isn't complicating things, a committed partner should be willing to discuss ways she can work with you to allay some of the anxiety. Don't worry about it being unfair to her, 'cause it's not. Fear of sex isn't unfairness to anybody any more than fear of heights or spiders.

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inoshishi83

You have read my mind and described it! O.o Fear can definately interfere with anything. Especially sex!

I've always had a high fear of this since I was only 9- when my mother first explained how it was performed! I still, to this day, at age 28, have a fear, only it's become irrational. It gets to the point if a guy I meet in public is even friendly with me, I get so parinois and feel aggressive (my fearful defense mechanism) to the point I have to bolt, because I fear they may like me the way I don't like them, &/or they could even be perverted- especially to an extreme!

And I don't my a guy's company once I get to know one well enough, unless I find out he like me or has liked me, then I become highly phobic.

In all honesty, I don't know where this originated from yet, as I've always been so hypersensitive to touch, irrationally, that I cannot tolerate jeans becaus eof the button- or pants similar to those- that have a button on it, without it causing high amounts of anxiety! On top of this, being a female, my biggest fear is to produce a child, as I have miraculously low tolerance to pain. And of course, parinoia of a possible STD, regardless how safe sex is performed.

Yet, even though the idea of regular sex doesn't bother me, other forms are highly repulsive to me- anything outside of the sexual norms, no matter how simple or light.

As for waiting to get married, I've always actually lived by that statement, as I have a desire to try sex, but only to an extent- I mean where it's considered "boring" for the majority of the society. However, a sexless marriage sounds heavenly to me also.

As for your first reply, I know the feeling, and have even been embarrassed- I've dating someone almost 1 year ago, who wanted to be sexually active, but when I told him I wasn't ready, he looked sad. I felt very terrible, but at the same time I was so afraid, I could feel every muscle- even in my fingers- tense up so tightly, because of my irrational fear of the idea of sex!

I wish you luck on everything and hope you frind your true self very soon! :)

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Sketch Doge

However, a sexless marriage sounds heavenly to me also.

I stand right there with you. I love the emotional connection I have with people so much and for whatever reason I feel like sex would just ruin what I had built.

By the way inoshishi I noticed you were new, welcome to AVEN. :cake:

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Significant Form
It might be better to just deal with the effects than to stress too much about trying to untangle the exact causes.

See, I feel like this is what I should be doing, but it's difficult not to try and determine the causes, since the possibility that I am being irrational is one of the things that scare me more than sex.

I suppose that we can't ever be one hundred percent rational, though.

Thanks for the advice and support, everyone.

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cuzicouldyay

I too feel an intense fear at the thought of having sex. I'm wondering if I'm a demi or if I'm simply asexual. Difficulty is, I don't run around forming true friendships left and right. I have one true best friend, whom I suspect I'm in love with. I'm afraid of having a relationship with a male, as I generally think of men being more interested in sex. The emotional side is definitely important to me, and if the other person doesn't want it to be long-term then I see absolutely no point in continuing the relationship.

As to my best friend, I don't know if she's interested in it as a romantic relationship. And if she is, I'm afraid she might be interested in a sexual relationship. I wouldn't want to force myself into sex, but similarly I wouldn't want to keep a sexual person from having sex. We met in freshman year of high school, and this is senior year of college, so we've known each other for quite some time now. I often consider myself antisocial, but, even when I feel like I don't want to be around anyone (loosely speaking), I want to be around her. We didn't actually start spending time together outside of school until our third year knowing each other, after her father died. It broke my heart that something so bad could happen to her, the most wonderful human being I've ever known, and I literally broke down crying at the thought of her going through the pain of it. Skip forward a bit, trouble is, I attend college in a different state, but every break I want to visit, and I openly consider her family's home my home (that part's a bit complicated actually; there are other places I can stay in the area but none of which sound like home really).

We hug, and in text messages she sometimes calls me love or puts a heart, but that can simply be a strong friendship thing. She was actually present when I first was kissed by a girl, and I know she's not at all averse to the idea of girls kissing. (I enjoy kissing, but that's about it. Doesn't matter the gender either. ...Okay, I really enjoy kissing.)

So the trouble is, I don't know if I'm just afraid of letting myself feel sexually interested. If I were, then this really could be a deeper attraction, but I don't want to risk damaging this amazing friendship I have, and it seems easier to play it safe. But again, we've known each other over seven years, with the last four being definitely closer in nature.

TMI:

I've a strong interest in stories in which two male friends end up falling in love with each other, often leading to sexual relationships. I don't know how much it's out of wondering if I'll end up sexually interested in a friend. Apparently stories without that emotional connection don't appeal to me, other than certain SQUICK WARNING stories of a nonconsensual nature, which again may be related to my lack of inclination to end up in a sexual occurrence myself. Also, I'm apparently a bit nervous considering female sexuality, and I think that's simply due to my own uncertainties regarding myself. End of warnings.

TL;DR: I'm like Sherlock Holmes, afraid to lose my John Watson. Throw in some fear of sex combined with ambiguity between asexuality or demisexuality, and that's about it. *hides in a corner*

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

I totally understand what you mean. Being a demisexual in a relationship, and feeling attraction for the first time, I understand what it is to be afraid. While me and my boyfriend aren't sexual yet, I both look forward to and slightly dread when we are, because I'm both impatient and nervous for it. While I'm less scared about being with him, however, I'm much more afraid of trying out sexual things by myself - I just get this awful fear that I'll be caught and that people won't think of me the same way. So I do understand.

Personally, I think the best way to get over any kind of fear is to tackle it head-on and emerge victorious. I'm not saying you should go out and have loads of sex OMG RIGHT NOW - just that it's easier to get over a fear once you acclimatise yourself to it. With myself, I've realised that it's possible for me to have a personal, private sex life - no one is going to catch me, and even if they do, I'm an adult now, so they really shouldn't care. Once you do this thing that you're afraid of - in my case, being even remotely sexual, even in the privacy of my own room - and you realise that nothing bad's going to happen because of it, then it becomes much easier to do. I'm not saying that you have to go out and slay this particular dragon NOW - just know that you can, and that relaxing and taking all the time you need with it will make it easier for you.

Verbosoul, thanks for the vote of confidence. The fear doesn't even affect my life at all unless I happen to think of it :P

OctaVariuM, I've tried telling myself that as well, but it just seems too unfair to the other person. It seems to me that my chances of ever meeting a lady who would be understanding of that are miniscule compared to the chances of meeting a lady who would understand if I was, for instance, repulsed.

ANYONE is going to be scared if they've never done something before. That's a FACT right there. If you've got a lady who doesn't understand that having never had sex before you're really scared at the idea of it, then she's a crap girlfriend. People feel fear, and being honest? Your fear isn't an irrational one. No one will blame you for being scared. A good partner is one who would accept that you're afraid, calm you down and try their best to listen to you and help you with your fear - and it's highly unlikely that you'll get together with someone who's such an asshole that they won't bother doing that for you.

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Personally, I think the best way to get over any kind of fear is to tackle it head-on and emerge victorious. I'm not saying you should go out and have loads of sex OMG RIGHT NOW - just that it's easier to get over a fear once you acclimatise yourself to it. With myself, I've realised that it's possible for me to have a personal, private sex life - no one is going to catch me, and even if they do, I'm an adult now, so they really shouldn't care. Once you do this thing that you're afraid of - in my case, being even remotely sexual, even in the privacy of my own room - and you realise that nothing bad's going to happen because of it, then it becomes much easier to do. I'm not saying that you have to go out and slay this particular dragon NOW - just know that you can, and that relaxing and taking all the time you need with it will make it easier for you.

That's sort of how I got over my fear of sex, which was really an amalgamation of many different fears: fear of being seen naked (or rather being rejected for being ugly), fear of getting caught, fear of the pain from penetration, fear of STDs, etc. Breaking things down made it easier to gradually conquer fear and anxiety. I'm still working on some anxieties so it's not an overnight process.

What also helped me was realizing that sex isn't bad. When people try to tell you to not have sex, they list all the consequences, and for some of us, it's really hard to ignore the voice in your head that reminds you of all the things that can go wrong (my partner was a virgin and I still wanted to him to get tested just to be sure). I stopped worrying so much when I stopped viewing sex as less a bad or dangerous activity or more a risky one like riding a motorcycle where you'll generally be fine if you are prepared and equipped with the proper safety gear.

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