In a Sexless Lesbian Relationship

[Rain Girl]

Hi henshin,

Nice to hear your point of view. I am in a relationship so I deeply care about the view of someone who is asexual, and am trying to understand more.

I could tell you what is important to me as a sexual woman, but I feel everyone is different and it may not apply to your girlfriend. Have you told her about your fears and asked her if she is worried about this aspect?

You are right that there are some different things about being with another woman. There is context to our relationships that may make this situation different than being straight. I don't think we feel the same pressure to a certain frequency, to 'perform ' or pretend to have organsm as straight friends appear to. I also think that there is less of a script of what sex is, so there is room to define that together. And for some lesbians coming out and owning our sexuality can be struggle/journey anyway. So once we have it and feel totally fine about it and like it..well it's hard to pack it all up. That's my experience anyway.

I would have loved my girlfriend to have had the self awareness you have at the start of our relationship. You are clear about how you experience sex and what you love. That would be good information for her to have. Your relationship is new, so these conversation will form a good foundation.

[skullery]

You are right that there are some different things about being with another woman. There is context to our relationships that may make this situation different than being straight. I don't think we feel the same pressure to a certain frequency, to 'perform ' or pretend to have organsm as straight friends appear to. I also think that there is less of a script of what sex is, so there is room to define that together. And for some lesbians coming out and owning our sexuality can be struggle/journey anyway. So once we have it and feel totally fine about it and like it..well it's hard to pack it all up. That's my experience anyway.

I would have loved my girlfriend to have had the self awareness you have at the start of our relationship. You are clear about how you experience sex and what you love. That would be good information for her to have. Your relationship is new, so these conversation will form a good foundation.

I echo these comments exactly.

Henshin, you remind me a lot of my girlfriend, actually, although sometimes she likes to be a pillow princess... I can rarely get her to orgasm anymore, though... she mostly just likes for me to be around touching while she masturbates. BUT she really, really likes getting me off. I'd say that's the most excited that she ever gets.

So how much does it matter that there's not a ton of reciprocal feelings? It matters some. Not enough for it to be a problem but enough that I notice it. Sometimes I get down about it but most of the time I'm really happy that we've found a way to get as much mutual enjoyment out of the situation as possible. I have to agree with Rain Girl that being women helps. I don't think it's about gay/straight, to be honest, I think it's more a woman vs. man thing. Our sense of self and femininity isn't as tied to sexual prowness as masculinity is.

[Lady Girl]

So how much does it matter that there's not a ton of reciprocal feelings? It matters some. Not enough for it to be a problem but enough that I notice it. Sometimes I get down about it but most of the time I'm really happy that we've found a way to get as much mutual enjoyment out of the situation as possible. I have to agree with Rain Girl that being women helps. I don't think it's about gay/straight, to be honest, I think it's more a woman vs. man thing. Our sense of self and femininity isn't as tied to sexual prowness as masculinity is.

I'm not in a lesbian relationship, so I probably don't belong here at all...but I've been reading this thread and happened upon these latest thoughts. As the sexual and female half of my straight relationship, I definitely feel there is a great deal of truth to this. Who I am is not so very dependent on satisfying my sexual prowess. Feeling like I am loving him is more important to me.

[Fenerate]

Wanted to chime in.

My wife and I are at an impasse. Recent attempts at sex have ended in tears. While we both are very verbally appreciative of each other's bodies and frequently speak about how much we would like to have sex, it never happens. Weird, huh?

Wifey has a new and shiny BF. They have sex every day. I don't particularly care for this dude but I'm generally happy she gets her needs met.

My wife is very sexual. Excessive preoccupation with sex has been a problem for her for two years now. She used to freak out if we didn't have sex at least three times a week. Now I think she has given up on some level, and no longer initiates or accepts my initiatives. The way I see it, she has someone else to have sex with, someone with whom sex is more fulfilling and involved than with me, and doesn't crave that connection with me anymore. She denies that, maintains that sex is most fulfilling with me and that she misses it, but that I don't have time for her anymore. I'm working 1,5 jobs and trying to complete my studies. She sees this as me trying to come up with stuff to be away from home. Her BF is outside of the working life, so they have plenty of time to hang-out together during the day, every day.

As implied, wifey is out of work and is comtemplating going back to sex work to create financial security for herself and to finance her therapy (I'm in therapy, she is starting out on therapy again and we are looking for a couple's councellour). I fear it will drain the remaining interest she has in me/sex with me.

We are very affectionate, continuously cuddling, touching, groping. It just never leads to sex anymore. We used to have the most amazing sex. Touching caters to most of my needs - I very occasionally masturbate, and am excited about an upcoming visit from a former lover. I maintain sporadic long-distance online relationships with two men - I think they could best be classified as romantic friendships. And just in case you were wondering, this isn't an orientation issue for either one of us: while wife is def more bisexual, we both prefer women.

I've come to a point where I don't care if our relationship continues to incorporate sex anymore and if so, in which form. We are working through the Sexual Intimacy for Women book, which discusses, among other things, nonmonogamy and exit affairs. Curiously, the writer defined a couple as sexually active if they have sex every other week or more often.

Sometimes I fantasize about getting rid of the BF and trying out monogamy for size, or at least going from poly back to open. On the other hand, I want to explore emotional connections (not necessarily sex) with other women, which is why I'm searching out the ace crowd in the first place.

[skullery]

Fenerate... such an interesting story! If you don't mind my asking, is there a reason why both of you seem to gravitate toward men outside of your (primary?) relationship? I know you said orientation isn't an issue, but that doesn't mean it's not relevant. I've personally sought out sexual fulfillment from men when I'm in relationships with women because the interactions are so different and I sometimes craved those differences. Also, you don't explicitly say it, so I thought I'd ask... are you asexual? To be perfectly honest, your suspicion about your wife's feelings toward sex sound pretty much on-point. I too have become tired of initiating with my partner, and if I were more inclined toward non-monogamy, I could see our situation ending up just like yours.

Have you talked to her about trying out monogamy? Would it be done due to a legitimate desire for monogamy, or because it's a last-ditch effort to save the relationship?

[Fenerate]

Typical me, I forgot my post point .

Which was (something extensively discussed also in the book I mentioned) that we both seem to be sexually reactive, or we feel desire when we feel desired. This creates an unhealthy loop: if wife feels I don't prioritize sex with her anymore (why else would I seek out so many activities?), she starts withdrawing, and when I feel her withdrawing I start disengaging myself to avoid feeling like a predator, she senses that I'm disengaging and feels rejected, which makes her withdraw all the more... And the vicious cycle is ready.

[Fenerate]

Fenerate... such an interesting story! If you don't mind my asking, is there a reason why both of you seem to gravitate toward men outside of your (primary?) relationship? I know you said orientation isn't an issue, but that doesn't mean it's not relevant. I've personally sought out sexual fulfillment from men when I'm in relationships with women because the interactions are so different and I sometimes craved those differences.

My wife gravitates more towards the "delight in difference" you mentioned, while I don't feel sexual desire for other women. My wife is THE one woman for me right now - I appreciate other women in an aesthetic, intellectual, emotional and sensual way, and would delight in bringing them sexual fulfillment, but it is not my natural inclination.

Also, you don't explicitly say it, so I thought I'd ask... are you asexual?

Funny thing is, I've been plenty sexual in my time! I still would like to make love to my wife on a regular basis. I think demisexuality describes me pretty well. I need to have strong feelings of love to enjoy sex or get physically excited, but I don't find sex distasteful otherwise either. I prefer not to do it, however, since like you or somebody else on this thread said, if there's no love then for me, it feels like assisted masturbation. I don't want to have sex with random people I meet either, nor fantasize about them (maybe that's why porn doesn't appeal to me?), althought I might admire and want to get closer to them. When I do manage to masturbate, I either think about my wife or just focus on what I'm feeling in my private porn movie - other people are very indistinct or not present at all.

Sex is not just a very high priority with me right now. I frequently forget to masturbate, fall asleep during porn and gladly skip sex for some really good television instead.

Have you talked to her about trying out monogamy? Would it be done due to a legitimate desire for monogamy, or because it's a last-ditch effort to save the relationship?

She maintains that she would give BF up and be mono for me, but I feel she would be denying an integral part of who she is and would still worry that she might be happier with someone who allows her her freedom. But I have to admit that the reason why I'm holding back from forming independent sexual connections on my own right now is that I hope that if she decides to end things with BF, we could be sexually monogamous for a while.

[Faded]

For years now I've thought I'm the only person going through this... how wrong was I?!!! I'm in a five year relationship with the woman of my dreams, we have a wonderful full life kids pets the whole nine yards, but we've never had sex. Ever.

The first year I thought ok maybe she is adjusting to this as she had previously not been in a lesbian relationship before, but now I'm at the point where I am ready to give up in fact I have I don't fantasize about her anymore although I am very attracted to her. We've spoken, argued, converesed about this back and forth and every time she assures me she does want me that things will change that she is in love with me and after finding this site I think she's telling the truth but that she isn't being honest about her sexual desires. I feel so alone in this relationship but I can't leave when I'm away from her it's just unbearable we were meant for each other, but sex is a very important aspect of a romantic relationship to me and I don't know how much longer I can wait. The hoping and waiting is killing me its faded me into this resentful angry person its warped my view on my own sexuality and I feel just empty. I fantasize about old high school boy crushes I had I fantasize about my ex and that just makes me feel even worse. My partner just doesn't get it because well I think she is asexual it just isn't important to her at all.

In the beginning when I tried to initiate sex it just wouldn't happen and well I'm not used to being the one having to make all the moves. Rejection sucks and my confidence is just nowhere to be seen so when we have the sex talk she always says I must initiate why must she always be the one and I think to myself I tried now I just feel like giving up.

I've only ever been in one lesbian relationship before and before that I dated guys on and off but never slept with them because big surprise I'm a lesbian. My previous partner pursued me and we were very sexual and I miss that I miss being with someone who would just not care and show me how much she loves me.

All of your posts resonated with me so deeply it's like I could've typed them myself except for the fact that you at least have had sex.

Sorry for the long post and the ranting I think I'm losing my mind. Looks like I'm a year too late for this conversation as well *sigh*

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Yes, this thread is older (so I'm going to lock it), but if you want me to pull out your post and start a new thread with it, that is an option. Send me a PM if that's something you would like to do. Otherwise, please feel free to start your own topic! I'm sure members will be happy to give advice or support...whichever you might need!

Locking thread.

Lady Girl, Moderator