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Rivan Vox

Aromantic Demisexual

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Rivan Vox

This is the first time I've been on Aven in so many months, mostly because I've been dealing with evolving sentimentalities, and it seems that I've leveled out (for the past two-three months) at being demisexual.. and aromantic.

Which is, honestly, the worst of all worlds. Do you want to know why?

Demisexual: I only experience sexual attraction/desire towards people I know quite well.

Aromantic: I don't experience romantic attraction, and I am unhappy in such relationships, regardless of the partner(s).

Which boils down to I only experience sexual attraction to close friends. So by default I'm in the friend zone with everyone I could conceivably want to mate with.

In addition, I'm hyperthymic, which means in addition to a bunch of other things, that I have a high libido.

Yesterday, I couldn't even read the Wikipedia article on physical intimacy without crying.

So, yeah. Anybody else in a similar situation?

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Wineblood

Wow, that does sound like... I'm not sure really, a situation without an obvious solution?

It does suck because I'm kind of in a similar situation. I'm a hetero demisexual, but I've started finding my best friend sexually attractive. The main reason I was/am freaking out about this is because before that the only other person I had thought of like that was someone I had romantic feelings for. Now that I'm fairly certain I'm not falling in love with my best friend (and I did spaz out about this regularly since christmas), I have to consider the possibility that I could end up feeling that with every female close friend I make.

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skullery

I've always wondered about you guys... I'll be interested to see where this thread goes. The major problem I see is that by the time you're good friends, they are going to want a serious relationship with you if you hook up. Banging a close friend and banging a stranger are totally different... it certainly seems to me that if you're demisexual you better be romantic or you're in a quagmire.

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Wineblood

I've always wondered about you guys... I'll be interested to see where this thread goes. The major problem I see is that by the time you're good friends, they are going to want a serious relationship with you if you hook up. Banging a close friend and banging a stranger are totally different... it certainly seems to me that if you're demisexual you better be romantic or you're in a quagmire.

How about friends with benefits for an aromantic demisexual?

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Kitty Spoon Train

How about friends with benefits for an aromantic demisexual?

That actually sounds like about the only solution...

I'm picturing something like this: becoming close friends, the demisexual aspect kicks in and you get sexually attracted - but then all both of you want is a sexual relationship without romance. So effectively, aromantic demisexuals seem to be only compatible with other aromantic demisexuals, and things have to fall in sync on a similar timeframe otherwise it's....awkward.

Wow, that really is quite limiting! :blink:

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Rivan Vox

I actually *do* have a close friend whom is sexually attracted to me but isn't into having a relationship right now, so she would work.. except she *never* has free time. Which is rather frustrating.

I suppose I could attempt something like the reverse situation an asexual has, where I accept the pretense of a romantic affiliation, which would be tolerable as long as the person *knew* that I felt nothing for them in that way, and if they reliably satisfied me.

Of course, that brings in other troubles, because I simply don't trust anyone who has romantic feelings for me, as they are notoriously fickle.

I pretty much just need a close friend that is also a dependable lover.

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Wineblood

Actually, I kind of omitted something, there's also someone else who I feel sexually attracted to. I have a friend with benefits/lover. Originally it started out as an experiment for me, to actually test sex out and see what the big deal was, and started feeling some attraction towards her after a point. She's also the person who best understands demisexuality out of all the people I know, so that helps. And she's *also* mega busy, so that's annoying :P

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The Bearded One

So far this thread is confusing to me. Let's see if I can contribute to the confusion.

As I hobby I've been doing a sociology study on close personal relationships using my own memories as my data source.

I have been an intimate friend to about 50 people.

About 20 of these were guys for which I felt little attraction. None of them became lovers.

About 5 were girls for which I felt little attraction, and they apparently felt little attraction for me. None of them became lovers

About 5 were girls for which I felt little attraction, but they felt attraction for me. None of them became lovers, but one was involved in some minor erotic activity.

About 5 were girls to which I was attracted, but they felt little attraction for me. None of them became lovers.

About 5 were girls to which I was attracted, and acted as a lover toward. They felt some or little attraction to me, and did not act as a lover to me. Unrequited love?

About 10 were girls to which I was attracted, and they were attracted to me. We became lovers, and she broke up with me. 2 remained friends for awhile after the break-up.

The main factors which have made my miserable social life miserable are the difficulty in finding friends (50 out of thousands of people I have recognized at one time or another), the short length of time of the lover relationships (typically about 5 months), and "she broke up with me". It has not been finding lovers (10 or 15) among the friends (30 girls).

Note that none of what I have written addresses physical activities in any way. This is a summary of mental (thoughts, impressions, feelings, beliefs, etc.) characteristics only.

I avoid dating because it makes getting to know someone more difficult. I have been on 4 dates. All were first dates and none lead to anything.

I agree that sexual activity with a intimate friend is much different than sexual activity with a stranger. I can't comprehend how people enjoy sex with strangers. Hence I simply don't do it. I try to avoid things I know I might regret. :)

I also avoid "romantic love" ( limerence ) as described by Dorothy Tennov.

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Rivan Vox

My longest relationship was four years, actually. My second longest was three years.

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noysoffer

I'm in the exact same situation. I'm a demisexual aromantic, with a very volatile libido, which I regulate by doing a lot of exercise and math, which give me the same type of high that sex gives me. Basically, I can be attracted to a close friend, but not strongly enough to act upon that attraction, so I don't have to worry too much about sexual relationships. In addition, I am really good at finding reasons not to have sex with people in the friend zone, even if I want to.

I guess that you have to learn how to mitigate these attractions, by finding two reasons why not for every reason why.

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Rivan Vox

I'm in the exact same situation. I'm a demisexual aromantic, with a very volatile libido, which I regulate by doing a lot of exercise and math, which give me the same type of high that sex gives me. Basically, I can be attracted to a close friend, but not strongly enough to act upon that attraction, so I don't have to worry too much about sexual relationships. In addition, I am really good at finding reasons not to have sex with people in the friend zone, even if I want to.

I guess that you have to learn how to mitigate these attractions, by finding two reasons why not for every reason why.

Eheh. I not interested in denying my feelings. it just means that I need to build friendships with people that want to have sex with me :P

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Wineblood

I'm in the exact same situation. I'm a demisexual aromantic, with a very volatile libido, which I regulate by doing a lot of exercise and math, which give me the same type of high that sex gives me. Basically, I can be attracted to a close friend, but not strongly enough to act upon that attraction, so I don't have to worry too much about sexual relationships. In addition, I am really good at finding reasons not to have sex with people in the friend zone, even if I want to.

I guess that you have to learn how to mitigate these attractions, by finding two reasons why not for every reason why.

Eheh. I not interested in denying my feelings. it just means that I need to build friendships with people that want to have sex with me :P

Is that actually difficult though? I've been told I'm not bad looking and I seem to have people thinking I'm awesome and funny. I'm quite overweight but that's changing, I wonder if sexuals would be interested in me. Just wondering if a friendship with someone that wants to have sex with me is a good idea for a romantic demisexual as well.

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Rivan Vox

I'm in the exact same situation. I'm a demisexual aromantic, with a very volatile libido, which I regulate by doing a lot of exercise and math, which give me the same type of high that sex gives me. Basically, I can be attracted to a close friend, but not strongly enough to act upon that attraction, so I don't have to worry too much about sexual relationships. In addition, I am really good at finding reasons not to have sex with people in the friend zone, even if I want to.

I guess that you have to learn how to mitigate these attractions, by finding two reasons why not for every reason why.

Eheh. I not interested in denying my feelings. it just means that I need to build friendships with people that want to have sex with me :P

Is that actually difficult though? I've been told I'm not bad looking and I seem to have people thinking I'm awesome and funny. I'm quite overweight but that's changing, I wonder if sexuals would be interested in me. Just wondering if a friendship with someone that wants to have sex with me is a good idea for a romantic demisexual as well.

Depends on the people you know. Charisma is more important than looks, really, but you need both to be seriously attractive.

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