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henryd

Is it fair for an asexual person married to a sexual person to insist on a monogamous relationship?

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skullery

Um... ?

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Vampyremage

Um... ?

That about covers my reaction and then I move to page 3 and you've pretty much said exactly what I intended to say...

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Jellyfishing

As a sexual who has only recently found out that asexuality is a real phenomenon, my initial knee-jerk reaction was 'No, of course it's not fair'. But reading through this thread it's pretty obvious it's not that black and white. I really sympathise with the OP and the other sexuals in his position.

I know I personally couldn't live in a relationship without sex, or even with sex being doled out bi monthly as a compromise. The OP is right in saying that sex for sexuals is so much more than a physical/ mechanical thing (if it was, masturbation would be sufficient) and that an asexual cannot really hope to understand what it's like (just as sexuals will never know what it is to be asexual). It's about that feeling of being desired, of someone wanting you more than anything in the world at that moment, it's about pleasing your partner and bonding through the experience...knowing that you'll never have that with the person you love must be shattering.

But I can also see it from your wife's point of view, and an open relationship would be just as hurtful to her. How would you feel about your wife having a deeply loving, but non-sexual, relationship with another man to the complete exclusion of you (I assume the open relationship goes both ways?)? If you're completely fine with that, then and only then could an open relationship occur.

I hope you work something out with your wife, please let us know how it goes.

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Guest member31022

I think the disagreement we have here stems in part from this assumption that if an asexual agrees to have sex now and then, it's constitutes a compromise. But that requires thinking about sex as purely a physical act. If that were true, masturbation would be enough, or even prostitutes. What a sexual needs is for their partner to enjoy and want sex, not just to do it for the partners sake.

To me, a real compromise isn't the asexual person agreeing to mechanical sex now and then. It's the asexual person realizing that he/she can never give their partner what they need, and to basically agree to share their partner with someone who can. And I do believe you can love more than one person at a time, so I don't see it as impossible.

Yes, I understand that must be terrible for an asexual to hear, but it's also terrible to deprive your sexual partner of something so integral to his/her life.

I'm asexual, and I'm dating a sexual boy. Whilst our case is slightly different (he knew in advance of us getting together, I'm aware I'm ace, and I'm also not repulsed by sex) I am not just going through the motions, thank you. An asexual person should not be assumed to be unable to give their partner what they need. That said, your wife may well not be able to compromise in the same way - but why then should it be assumed she should therefore compromise in this manner? I realise you don't want to leave her, but the fact is, if monogamy is really important to her, as important as having sexual intimacy with someone is to you, then it's not a compromise that'll work. And that's okay - it's not necessarily fair, but it's okay to have these things as dealbreakers. I'm fully aware that in my case, if I wasn't willing to compromise with my partner, we would have broken up (for the same reasons - I don't like the idea of open relationships, and he didn't want a sexless relationship).

That said, given that you apparently haven't raised the idea to your wife, or discussed the whole asexual thing with her, I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself. You never know, she might suggest things that surprise you.

Again, I don't want to sound harsh here, but I really resent the idea that in dating someone of a 'different orientation' I'm depriving my partner of something - it is a case by case thing of whether an asexual can compromise on sex, and even then, on whether they are repulsed or not, and you need to stop assuming asexual people are incapable of sexual intimacy. It may be the case that with your wife, she cannot fulfil that even if she compromises, but if you go into it thinking that, then that's a lot of pressure on her.

I hope it works out for you.

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goodyears

I may be off base here, but could this analogy be what Henry D is saying about mixed relationships:

Take a mixed drink like a Screwdriver (Vodka & OJ). And for those technical friends out there, we're just going to forget the ice, type of glass, brand of Vodka/OJ and who made it for now. :P

Screwdriver = relationship...Vodka = sex...OJ = intimacy/romance/emotional connection.

Now Henry D can appreciate one ingredient without the other and they're both just OK, but then we're not calling it a Screwdriver. Most definitely he is not going to get the same satisfaction or feeling just drinking OJ as he would when he adds the Vodka. What he really wants to enjoy are the combined ingredients that go into making his favorite drink...A Screwdriver.

I understand there are plenty of mixed relationships out there that work for both parties. Having said that, I also believe there are still plenty of frustrated sexuals still at the stage where visualizing a mixed relationship feels so mechanical (not having our partner on the same page with us) that we can't begin to imagine fulfillment with 1/2 a void. (No offense intended)

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Lady Girl

No offense taken...and please don't get me wrong either, but there is the alcoholic vs. someone who isn't insisting on screwdrivers day in and day out analogy to be considered.

Maybe the problem isn't really the what, but the how often.

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Sally

No offense taken...and please don't get me wrong either, but there is the alcoholic vs. someone who isn't insisting on screwdrivers day in and day out analogy to be considered.

Maybe the problem isn't really the what, but the how often.

and maybe a good deal of the problem is the anger when finding out that someone is not exactly who you want them to be.

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Lady Girl

A good deal of the problem truly does seem to be the anger.

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princess of doom

Hello Henry! I've been thinking about you a bit as recently my husband thought it would be a good idea to have his needs met elsewhere. His decision to do so nearly destroyed our marriage but he definitely destroyed my spirit. I don't want to take any of this out on you, I just want you to see that your actions will surely have an impact on others.

You mentioned that you're considering an additional relationship to have your needs met, sexual, emotional, etc. Yet you also state "but the thing is we have a great relationship. It's just an asexual one (and I'm not asexual.)" So spend some time dwelling on what makes it great.

Also, from an asexual perspective, I find that I am much more motivated to be loving, and even sexual, when my needs are met. I think when people are in a "mixed" marriage, the sexual is regularly frustrated and angry and hurt and depressed, and a whole host of other things. In feeling these things, is he/she motivated or even concerned with meeting the asexual's needs. Yes, we have needs too, they're just different. If your wife had a tough day with the kids, maybe she'd love to have you set her up with a spa day and offer to care for the kids while she's out. Or for you to arrange a babysitter and make dinner reservations. I'm not sure what her interests are but I'm sure she does have some. It is these things that make me feel good and loving.

I know that some people have mentioned the idea of a compromise. My husband and I haven't yet gotten to a full compromise yet. But what I'm seeing in reading this site is that the compromise is all about when, where, how and frequency that sex will occur. And those things are all important. But with this approach, I tend to think that the compromise is somewhat one-sided. When it's resolved you will have agreed on a new definition of a "love life" you can both live with. But again, she still has needs. Make sure you include those things also.

Good luck in your exploration, be gentle with her,

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Bensin

Aven was a great help for me in understanding my wife's orientation and the meaning of it for our relationship. Recently though I am becoming more and more disappointed with the replies people coming here for help are getting. More often than not people feeling desperate in trying to make sense of a life that is not at all what they thought it would be, like OP, are getting shot down here as selfish pricks. I urge everyone to remember that this was a thought going around in Henryd´s head, nowhere have we been able to read that he has been unfaithful to his wife, just that he is looking into all the ways he and his wife can stay together with both of their needs being met. I am not saying everyone is being inconsiderate here, just that all of us remember that this is both a process (perhaps a grief process, i dont know) and that we have our ups and downs in this so lets try to be more understanding to each other.

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Sally

Aven was a great help for me in understanding my wife's orientation and the meaning of it for our relationship. Recently though I am becoming more and more disappointed with the replies people coming here for help are getting. More often than not people feeling desperate in trying to make sense of a life that is not at all what they thought it would be, like OP, are getting shot down here as selfish pricks. I urge everyone to remember that this was a thought going around in Henryd´s head, nowhere have we been able to read that he has been unfaithful to his wife, just that he is looking into all the ways he and his wife can stay together with both of their needs being met. I am not saying everyone is being inconsiderate here, just that all of us remember that this is both a process (perhaps a grief process, i dont know) and that we have our ups and downs in this so lets try to be more understanding to each other.

Perhaps you need to read more threads on AVEN, Bensin. Many of us have spent (and will continue spending) a lot of time attempting to sympathize and talk with sexuals who come with questions about their relationships with asexuals. But if someone wants us to tell them that what they want to do is a good idea, we will not say that unless we really think that it is a good idea. In this case, it doesn't seem like a good idea to attempt to have two relationships with two different women when the wife doesn't want that, and it's likely the second woman wouldn't either. We've also said that in this case, "fairness" isn't really relevant; what's relevant is that each partner decides for themselves what they should do but doesn't expect their partner to like it.

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Cleotilde

The simple answer to your question is no, it's not fair. She has what she wants in the relationship and you don't. You're frustrated and she isn't. She'll never consent to an open marriage even if she acknowledges it is unfair on you. She may not even realise how miserable you feel. And even if she does she can't do much about it. You should have sorted this out before getting married. She should have married another asexual and you should be enjoying life with a sexual partner like yourself. But it's too late now. You only have two choices: 1. you ramain there frustrated and at great risk of cheating and creating a hell for your children, or 2. you seek your own happiness, protect your children's emotional well being by getting divorced amicably, and find someone else. I'd suggest you go for the latter. In the long run, that's the best thing for everyone involved, including the children. They'd rather have happy divorced parents than a cheating father they can't look up to and a betrayed mother. Sorry if that sounds to harsh, but it's how I see things. I left a relationship on time. I was the asexual party and realised it was not fair on the guy, so I let him go precisely because I loved him. It's great you have a good partnership with your asexual wife, but a marriage is much more than that and you deserve to experience it. Good luck to you.

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tandc

HenryD,

You are in a Catch-22, I have been there. There is no painless option here, and a ton of guilt--are you Jewish or Catholic? Do you live a life of self denial? That's good, but don't think it will get better. If you have to ask if something is fair, you already know the answer--no, it's not fair.

Do you enjoy being a monk? That's what you are--monks have the closest of relationships, but they are mostly asexual relationships (although there is a thousand year tradition that's to the contrary but we will not get into that). At least monks knowingly and willingly give up sex, you were either misled or entrapped. Legally you could probably get an annulment, certainly have grounds for legal divorce--in my state, you would not be faulted for adultery in this type of situation, because you are pushed into it.

Wake up and smell the roses! Do you know what it feels like when someone makes you feel desired? When someone returns the same desire? Why did all the great writers of centuries past write about the passion that comes with love making?

Here is what you should do--don't ask and don't tell (but don't spend any political contributions on this). There are very few wives who will be thrilled with the idea that you are sleeping with another woman even if they are not willing to sleep with you--there are many reasons for this, you can figure them out. However, you can sleep with other women, in particular, find someone who can give you some passion in life, don't bring her to your house, best if she is married herself and unfulfilled that will keep boundaries for both of you, keep it a separate relationship. It's most conducive if you can have a career that allows you frequent local or long-distance travel (sales, management consulting are good choices, but trucking works just as well--stay at home dad works out OK too, remember those moms at the playground are probably getting ignored by their husbands!).

You don't have to bother your wife and you don't have to feel dirty--this is what the Torah, the Bible actually promotes, the Koran too (polygamy from Abraham onwards), and it's what our closest biological relatives (gorillas) also practice. Men are biologically and psychologically capable of having these types of relationships, most marriages end in divorce, another 30% of those that remain have some outside the marriage relationships, and some 20% of marriages are asexual. What's the common theme? Polygamy for men! Wake up and stop drinking the cool aid of guilt and nonsense, and live a little, you will see it's OK! Try it gradually like building up a alcohol resistance or long distance running--start with small steps and build up, flirt a little, go out more, and so on.

Best of luck--you only live once, think about all that you are missing, and if you still think you are protecting your kids just think about whether you want your kids to make the same choice to get into an asexual marriage (which is an oxymoron in my opinion)

I want to follow up with some final thoughts on this question of fairness based on the input I received and other threads in this forum.

Thank you much for your honest comments.

As to the question of fairness, obviously monogamy is something that is mutually agreed upon by two people. However, that doesn't mean you can't discuss the question of fairness. I can ask whether if my spouse goes to prison for life, is it fair for her to ask me to remain monogamous. Or if she died, is it fair of her to ask me in her will to do the same. In the same sense, I think it's fair question to ask whether it's fair for an asexual person to ask a sexual partner to remain monogamous when they can't provide them with a normal sex life.

I'm still not sure about whether it's fair or not, but what I am now sure of is is that asexuals are in no position to make that judgement. Why? As these forums make clear, by being asexual you can't possibly understand what it's like for sexual people to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Sex isn't just a physical activity. It's not like skiing. And it's not at all obvious, for sexuals, that monogamy and sex are separate things.

This kind of reminds of how some in the deaf community don't want their kids to have an operations that would make it possible for them to hear. If you have never been able to hear and you don't know what you are missing, no matter how happy you are being deaf, you are in no position to judge whether or not someone else should be allowed to hear.

Same with the question of monogamy. If you don't like sex, if you can't appreciate what sexual people are missing, no matter how happy you are being asexual you are in no position to understand what it's like for sexual people to remain monogamous with you.

Sure, you can ask for it. You can want it. If they knew going in you have a very good case. But ultimately, sexuals should not look to asexuals to judge the morality of their decision. They need to look to other sexuals who can understand them.

BTW, I haven't decided to cheat or ask for an open marriage or ask for a divorce. I plan to remain monogamous by default, as I always have, until I decide otherwise.

Hopefully, this thread will prevent other sexuals in mixed marriages from making the mistake of coming here to ask asexuals for their opinion on this. This is probably the worst possible place for anyone in my position to seek advice.

This would be a great place to be if you make the decision to commit to making monogamy work forever with an asexual, as you can then commiserate with people like SkulleryMaid who have made that decision. (And it's possible I will too)

But if you are a sexual in a mixed relationship deciding what to do, I would strongly suggest that you go elsewhere for advice, perhaps a forums dedicated to discussing sexless marriage with other people that are in that unfortunate position.

Because a place like this will make you question your own sanity.

HenryD:

You put it well. Just don't beat yourself up with guilt and any other politically correct thoughts--this is your life. Your parents wanted you to be happy, the Constitution gives you the "pursuit of happiness" as your right. People died for this right. When someone questions your right to think of these things, they should go back to the Communist Gulag and see how they like it when thoughts are not allowed!

Now, comes the Einstein moment--doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. For 12 years, you have been doing the same thing, not getting the result you want. Isn't it time to do something different, if you want different results in your love life and your happiness?

Yes, I am not asexual, but I am married to one, and trapped like you, but I am taking control of my own happiness, and on my own terms. Some day, kids will be able to understand, and I make them the top priority always.

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Lady Girl

No one questioned anyone's rights to think of these things. I may have questioned his rights to think of these things as being right for me. When someone wants to think about cheating and their right to do it, nobody can really stop them, but we can say it's not their place to tell us whether or not monogamy in our own relationship is fair.

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Sally

Yes, I am not asexual, but I am married to one, and trapped like you, but I am taking control of my own happiness, and on my own terms. Some day, kids will be able to understand, and I make them the top priority always.

Yes, your kids will understand and you may not like what they understand.

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skullery

Legally you could probably get an annulment, certainly have grounds for legal divorce--in my state, you would not be faulted for adultery in this type of situation, because you are pushed into it.

That's not true, and I don't even need to know what state you live in to know that.

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Fenerate

Ignoring the "go on to have a clandestine double life that will blow up in your face sooner or later" advice, because there are just so many things wrong with that approach.

I don't know if the OP is still following this thread. I want to post for everyone who are in a similar situation and thinking about their options.

First, a disclaimer: I am in an open polyamorous primary relationship with my wife. Open means we are free to date other people and see where our attractions take us (not just sexual and romantic attraction, mind you - I just don't know for a good substitute word for dating). Polyamorous means that we are capable and willing to love multiple people (in a romantic/sexual way, I should add as a caveat). Primary means that we want to make a life together, live together, share resources together, have kids together, and that we do not want to do or share any of these things with any other person for the time being. I should add it's how we define these terms, not how THE poly community, should somesuch exist, understands them.

So, has it been a picnic? Hell no. Is it worth it? Might be, I don't know for sure.

I would encourage you to ask yourself and your partner several questions before you decide if this is something you want to pursue.

1) Will both partners be able to look for other relationships?

2) What will happen if one partner doesn't like the other's new partner?

3) What will happen if one partner sees the other's new partner as harmful/dangerous?

4) Is it okay to date people we know, including friends of your partner or your exes?

5) What, when and how do we tell the children?

6) Assuming both partners are free to look for outside connections: what happens if only one partner succeeds in finding people to date? There is usually a considerable gender imbalance in dating opportunities.

7) Assuming people have different romantic/sexual orientations: Are new partners of whichever gender acceptable? What if, in this case, the asexual partner finds someone they would like to be somewhat sexual with, or for example a non-sexual kink partner they want to do things with that they don't want to share with their first partner?

8) What, when and how do we tell relatives and our circle of friends?

9) How out do we want to be? Bear in mind that staying in the closet often places a significant strain on the people involved and on their relationships.

10) Do we want to have hierarchial relationships or not? Will all new partners be possible co-primaries; can they look forward to eventually moving in, sharing resources and raising children together with the original couple?

11) Will all new partners be able to have additional partners of their own? Will they be able to pursue new relationships?

12) How do we deal with the possibility of STDs? How about other infectious diseases? What about the possibility of pregnancy? Keep in mind that there is no such thing as absolutely STD-safe physical contact, and even sterilization is not 100% certain.

13) Are there certain characteristics besides gender and relationship status that automatically would disqualify a potential partner? Mental health issues, financial problems, cheating on their spouse, addictions, violent behaviours, a criminal records, disrespect...

14) What is reasonable pacing? Is it okay to move from meeting to sexing to dating to living together in three weeks?

15) How will we deal with the inevitable feelings of envy, loneliness, jealousy, mourning and unfairness that will arise?

16) How much information is too much information? Is it necessary to inform the first partner of all interactions, sexual and non-sexual, with the new partner? Can the first partner, for example, expect to see the text messages and online communications between them?

17) Are there some sexual or other boundaries that new relationships need to adhere to? Not in our house, not when I am there, two date nights for me every week, no more time spent with them than with me, no sleepovers, no change of plans, no texting while we are together, you can't exchange "I love you"s... the list is endless.

18) What is our emergency plan when conflicts arise? How much time can we devote to dealing with relationship crises taking into account our work commitments, need for sleep, the kids...

19) Do we need to have a system of periodic check-ins to see how things are going for everyone, or does that feel forced?

20) What do we do when one partner eventually wants to call it quits, temporarily or for good.

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Fenerate

So you think you have all those questions down and are ready to move on to have your Private Poly Dream Life ? WRONG!

Feelings are mushy, weird entities that defy rationalization. Just because something should, would and could be alright in theory doesn't mean it will feel alright. Something that feels right in the beginning could feel horribly wrong as things progress. Freakouts happen. People are unfair and emotional. We have a limited capacity for imaginative empathy and cannot correctly asses how will feel in any given future occurrance. We might be a lot more relaxed about something than we originally thought, or we could be emotional wrecks ready to go boom.

Oh, and I forgot the most important point. OTHER PEOPLE. Yes, it's not just about you and your marriage and your partner. People who would potentially want to get involved with you have feelings, opinions and a life too. You need to reach an understanding with them too. Way too many people, especially couples, approach the poly community looking for someone (usually a young, sexually attractive, unattached bi female) to act as a bandaid to their broken or boring relationship, to act as the magic clue that will keep them together. This is treating people according to their use value, not according to their inherent human dignity and worth. People always surprise you. Don't count on them to react and act in ways that would be most convenient to you.

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skullery

Fenerate, I have a huge crush on that last post. :wub:

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Kitty Spoon Train

So you think you have all those questions down and are ready to move on to have your Private Poly Dream Life ? WRONG!

Feelings are mushy, weird entities that defy rationalization. Just because something should, would and could be alright in theory doesn't mean it will feel alright. Something that feels right in the beginning could feel horribly wrong as things progress. Freakouts happen. People are unfair and emotional. We have a limited capacity for imaginative empathy and cannot correctly asses how will feel in any given future occurrance. We might be a lot more relaxed about something than we originally thought, or we could be emotional wrecks ready to go boom.

Oh, and I forgot the most important point. OTHER PEOPLE. Yes, it's not just about you and your marriage and your partner. People who would potentially want to get involved with you have feelings, opinions and a life too. You need to reach an understanding with them too. Way too many people, especially couples, approach the poly community looking for someone (usually a young, sexually attractive, unattached bi female) to act as a bandaid to their broken or boring relationship, to act as the magic clue that will keep them together. This is treating people according to their use value, not according to their inherent human dignity and worth. People always surprise you. Don't count on them to react and act in ways that would be most convenient to you.

You rule.

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Lady Girl

It is a beautiful post!

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Bear8080

I'm just going to quote all HenryD said here bc I am still new to forums and I dont reallly know another way to do it...

The problem I have is I don't want to leave. I love my wife and our relationship. Because of her asexuality, we are like the closest of friends, but not lovers.

1. I am the same way with my husband. He is my best friend, why would I ever want to give that up? We are not lovers however, we are like a well oiled machine of mutual respect and we have fun together...

What a sexual needs is for their partner to enjoy and want sex, not just to do it for the partners sake.

2. This could not be more than the truth. I want him to enjoy and want it... now I am being educated that that is not going to happen.

To me, a real compromise isn't the asexual person agreeing to mechanical sex now and then. It's the asexual person realizing that he/she can never give their partner what they need, and to basically agree to share their partner with someone who can. And I do believe you can love more than one person at a time, so I don't see it as impossible.

3. I also agree with this point... why is love so centrical? Why cant it be shared between multiple people for different reasons? I think that this is a narrow way to think about love between a man/woman, woman/woman, man/man... love can be more than that. Having mechanical sex for a sexual is worst that not having sex. I would much rather not have sex then feel like sex is a "chore" like doing dishes or laundry.

Yes, I understand that must be terrible for an asexual to hear, but it's also terrible to deprive your sexual partner of something so integral to his/her life.

4. My huaband has tried vey hard to not deprive me of my sexual needs. He thinks that if he just does it occasionally, that is enough. For a sexual, that is not the point. The point is the connection with your lover. If all I wanted to do was get off, I have a magical vibrator. That could never be enough. He cant make that connection and thats ok but it is just different from my situation.

Imagine my passion in life is playing and making music. My wife, not only doesn't enjoy music, she insists I never make music or play it for anyone else. To me, that's what it seems like an asexual is doing when they say, hey, I will never enjoy sex with you, and as a result, you will never really enjoy it with me, and you can never enjoy it with anyone else. And a compromise isn't that she listens now and then and pretends to like it.

BTW -- I would have a very different attitude if I went into the relationship knowing this about her, but let's just say in the beginning she pretended to like my music.

5. I am under the same restrictions. I can not have sex with anyone but I can also not have sex with my husband. I am kept daily from something I love! I know it may be hard for an asexual to understand that but I love love love sex. I can do it all day if I am with the person I love and honestly never get tired of it. And much like HenryD, I was led into my marriage with the promise of change and he actually did a great job of convincing me that he enjoyed it, he really turned it on. When I saw things quickly change he connvinced me I was paranoid, over reacting and I believed him... So yes he pretended to like my music. But now it is up to me to like his.... it feels so unfair sometimes.

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Iceboxplums

It's a touchy but valid question. I am a youngish woman with a very high sex drive married to a man with some flavor of asexuality. He misrepresented himself while we were dating but that's for another thread. I actually asked permission to have an open marriage about 4 years ago. My question was met with indignation and shock. Honestly, I was a little taken aback by his response. I actually thought he would be relieved. Yes, I realize how dense some of you might think I am, but at the time I was desperate for physical and sexual intimacy and really thought I had hit the jackpot with this solution. I'm not saying I would have run out and shagged the first thing that came my way... I'm just saying that living in a sexless marriage is such a hopeless, desolate, frustrating, and heartbreaking prospect.

To those saying that cuddling and other forms of physical affection could be a compromise... Are you fucking kidding me? Trust me, I've tried to be satisfied with these other forms of affection because I love my husband deeply. There is nothing like hot, bed breaking sex. If the shoe were on the other foot would it still be fair? If I only allowed my husband to penetrate me but denied him any other physical affection I'm sure he would feel as lost and defeated as I do. What to do when your soul mate is asexual... Divorce your soul mate for a lay? I think not.

I have always been faithful, btw.

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Kai99

I've always wondered whether sex with an asexual would feel more like masturbation to a sexual than actual sex. If one person just isn't into it I can see how just having sex wouldn't be enough for some sexuals. I might try sex in the future, but there are many things I will not do or tolerate. I don't want anyone to "finger" me, nor will I do oral sex (the idea of it grosses me out), and doggie style is definitly out of the question. The whole men on top/ women on top I might be welling to do. Anything else that differs from that I probably would be less than welling to do. And once a week seem like a lot to me; once a month maybe. Honestly, if I were to get into a relationship with a sexual, I would at least consider an open relationship, with limitations of course. I think that would be a real compromise. I can still be with the person I love without the sex, but I would have to tolerate him leaving every now and again to fulfill his needs. He can be with me and have his sexual needs fufilled with the added limitations put in place. If you think about it, is it really much of a compromise if the sexual never feels satisfied by the once a week sexual encounter?

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Lady Girl

I've always wondered whether sex with an asexual would feel more like masturbation to a sexual than actual sex. If one person just isn't into it I can see how just having sex wouldn't be enough for some sexuals.

If you think about it, is it really much of a compromise if the sexual never feels satisfied by the once a week sexual encounter?

It doesn't feel like that to me ever (if it did, I suppose I could make up for the lack of frequency myself). I don't know how to describe how it's different, but not quite like masturbation. I think 'just having sex' is enough for me because it's with my husband who is most definitely the only person I care to have sex with. Also because I know he has sex for me (and really no other reason), it seems like more than 'just having sex'.

Once a week is far too often for him. We are at once or twice a month (a couple of times, zero times a month), I may wish for more now and then, but I am satisfied enough. I don't think about seeking it elswhere.

Every couple will be different.

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Iceboxplums

I can really identify with how henryd feels. I go back and forth from feeling intense anger to a deep, aching sadness... with lots of crap to fill in-between the swings of the pendulum. Henryd, if you want someone to commiserate with, I'm here.

What really sucks is how alone I feel. I don't discuss our sex life with friends or relatives because I know that my Love would consider this a great breech of privacy. I'm also deeply embarrassed by it.

I read somewhere that asexual people tend to be jealous... I think henryd said his wife is as well. My husband most definitely is... My theory is that deep down (whether they are admittedly asexual or in denial of their asexuality) they know there is a part of them that cannot ever fully meet our needs and this causes them to be insecure. It's ridiculous how jealous my husband gets without me giving him a reason. All my ladylike talk has gone out the window, along with my undying understanding. I feel like screaming, "I JUST WANT TO FUCK! Yes, yes I love you and all that good stuff, I'm committed and here and your little kisses and pats are nice, but could you just BEND ME OVER AND FUCK ME, FUCK ME REALLY REALLY HARD!!!" Damn.

Henyd said that he wants and needs a sexual connection with another person. My definition of sexual passion is a sexual feeding off each other that you only get when you're having sex with a person who genuinely wants you sexually. This might seem obvious to some and not so much to others. I don't know. I do know that it's not selfish to want this from your partner and only your parter, but if they are incapable or unwilling then what do people like henryd and I do when divorce seems an absurd suggestion. Marriage is much bigger than sex- especially when children are involved. Can sexuals in an otherwise happily committed marriage with an asexual compartmentalize sex with another sexual? I only know what rattles around in my brain constantly for the past 10 years.

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Kai99

I've always wondered whether sex with an asexual would feel more like masturbation to a sexual than actual sex. If one person just isn't into it I can see how just having sex wouldn't be enough for some sexuals.

If you think about it, is it really much of a compromise if the sexual never feels satisfied by the once a week sexual encounter?

It doesn't feel like that to me ever (if it did, I suppose I could make up for the lack of frequency myself). I don't know how to describe how it's different, but not quite like masturbation. I think 'just having sex' is enough for me because it's with my husband who is most definitely the only person I care to have sex with. Also because I know he has sex for me (and really no other reason), it seems like more than 'just having sex'.

Once a week is far too often for him. We are at once or twice a month (a couple of times, zero times a month), I may wish for more now and then, but I am satisfied enough. I don't think about seeking it elswhere.

Every couple will be different.

I meant to put some sexuals don't feel fulfilled by the sex, not all sexuals. I think for me, I would hope to meet a very low sex drive sexual who would not need to have sex often, than the whole "open" relationship thing wouldn't be needed. I just think an open relationship would be a possible option for me if I can't handle the amount of sex my partner needs. Its risky for a relationship, but so is not wanting sex from your partner at all.

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Lady Girl

I meant to put some sexuals don't feel fulfilled by the sex, not all sexuals. I think for me, I would hope to meet a very low sex drive sexual who would not need to have sex often, than the whole "open" relationship thing wouldn't be needed. I just think an open relationship would be a possible option for me if I can't handle the amount of sex my partner needs. Its risky for a relationship, but so is not wanting sex from your partner at all.

Yes, I agree, it's definitely not easy to figure out what exactly will work. :)

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Notte stellata

I read somewhere that asexual people tend to be jealous... I think henryd said his wife is as well. My husband most definitely is... My theory is that deep down (whether they are admittedly asexual or in denial of their asexuality) they know there is a part of them that cannot ever fully meet our needs and this causes them to be insecure. It's ridiculous how jealous my husband gets without me giving him a reason.

Well I don't think asexuals are naturally more jealous than sexuals. I've seen quite a few asexuals here who don't mind an open relationship at all. Some even don't get the idea of monogamy and exclusivity. It could be that your husband just happens to be both asexual and jealous.

My definition of sexual passion is a sexual feeding off each other that you only get when you're having sex with a person who genuinely wants you sexually. This might seem obvious to some and not so much to others. I don't know. I do know that it's not selfish to want this from your partner and only your parter, but if they are incapable or unwilling then what do people like henryd and I do when divorce seems an absurd suggestion. Marriage is much bigger than sex- especially when children are involved.

If your partner doesn't have sex with you and doesn't let you seek sex elsewhere, you'll have to choose between divorce and sexual frustration. I'd say don't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of children. Children can sense it when their parents aren't happy together. And even if you're divorced, you can still love and support each other as friends, and take care of the children together.

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Vampyremage

I read somewhere that asexual people tend to be jealous... I think henryd said his wife is as well. My husband most definitely is... My theory is that deep down (whether they are admittedly asexual or in denial of their asexuality) they know there is a part of them that cannot ever fully meet our needs and this causes them to be insecure. It's ridiculous how jealous my husband gets without me giving him a reason. All my ladylike talk has gone out the window, along with my undying understanding. I feel like screaming, "I JUST WANT TO FUCK! Yes, yes I love you and all that good stuff, I'm committed and here and your little kisses and pats are nice, but could you just BEND ME OVER AND FUCK ME, FUCK ME REALLY REALLY HARD!!!" Damn.

I'm not sure that I would make such a blanket statement like that. Some asexual people tend strongly towards jealously, others have almost no jealousy at all and every shade in between those two extremes. I think its very similar to the range of jealousy within sexual people. The fact is, some people are more jealous than others and that is regardless as to whether they are sexual or asexual. Me personally, I am an asexual who experiences very little jealousy at all and my theoretical ideal relationship is one of a polyamerous nature. However, I am just one person and I certainly wouldn't take my experience and try to extend that to all, or even most other asexuals.

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