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henryd

Is it fair for an asexual person married to a sexual person to insist on a monogamous relationship?

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skullery

Here's what doesn't seem fair to me. If my wife discovered she was a lesbian, I think most would acknowledge that it wouldn't be fair of her to deny me being with someone of the same orientation (heterosexual) as I am. Nor would it be fair of me to not allow her to be herself and be with another woman. Yes, we might stay married or together, as housemates or partners in child-rearing, because we love each other and the kids, but we would both acknowledge it wouldn't be fair to deny the other the right to be with someone of the same orientation. And it definitely wouldn't be fair if she had a relationship with a woman while preventing me from having a relationship with someone else.

I don't get it. What if she decided she was a lesbian but still wanted to stay in a monogamous relationship with you? I know women who are in this exact situation.

So then what? You'd be right back to where you are now. If you want out of the relationship, leave the relationship. It sounds like you want to have one foot on the boat and the other on the dock... you don't want to leave your wife until you meet someone new... when that someone new says "hey, this isn't ok with me, I want a monogamous relationship with you!", then you divorce your wife. That's not cool.

If I think my wife's reticence about sex is due to psychological or medical issues, I'm far more willing to suffer as a result, just as I would be with any medical or psychological issue -- for better or for worse.

So you're totally fine with a sexless, monogamous relationship as long as it's because she has a debilitating illness, but not if it's because she's asexual? WHY?

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henryd

So then what? You'd be right back to where you are now. If you want out of the relationship, leave the relationship. It sounds like you want to have one foot on the boat and the other on the dock... you don't want to leave your wife until you meet someone new... when that someone new says "hey, this isn't ok with me, I want a monogamous relationship with you!", then you divorce your wife. That's not cool.

I have no desire to leave my wife after I meet someone new. What I want -- and I realize this probably isn't possible -- is to have my wife, the great relationship we have, and also a great relationship with someone else.

If I had a fulfilling sex life with my wife I wouldn't want the someone else.

I realize this probably isn't possible, but it doesn't mean I don't want it. I'm also not even sure if I would ever ask for it or leave my wife. Wanting something and acting on it are not the same.

If I think my wife's reticence about sex is due to psychological or medical issues, I'm far more willing to suffer as a result, just as I would be with any medical or psychological issue -- for better or for worse.

So you're totally fine with a sexless, monogamous relationship as long as it's because she has a debilitating illness, but not if it's because she's asexual? WHY?

First of all it's not completely sexless, it's just that the sex is mostly joyless.

And I wouldn't be fine with it, but I would be more wiling to live with it because you don't leave someone because they are sick or depressed. There's also hope it might get better. My wife has never treated her condition as the way things are, but as issues she needs to work on.

With her being asexual, assuming that's even the case, there's no hope it will get better and it's not a sickness.

Seems like a big difference. You don't see that?

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Sally

With her being asexual, assuming that's even the case, there's no hope it will get better and it's not a sickness.

Seems like a big difference. You don't see that?

Yes, I see it, but what I see is that you essentially want two marriages, both of them great. One of them with a woman with kids but no sex, and the other with a woman without kids but with sex.

Have you considered that both women will probably be unhappy with that? And you may also, because you're only one man and may not have the energy, emotional capacity, maturity, time, or financial capacity to carry on two relationships?

So there'd be three people who were unhappy, not to mention your kids, who would see a lot less of you. How would any of that be "fair"?

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skullery

With her being asexual, assuming that's even the case, there's no hope it will get better and it's not a sickness.

Seems like a big difference. You don't see that?

Honestly, I don't.

When I get cranky about my partner's asexuality, that's one of the things I think of to calm myself down. I say " you'd stay with her if she were suddenly disabled or sick, right? Ok then, in this case the lack of sex is the same, but at least she's not sick, disabled, or dying!"

That makes me feel better, not worse.

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goodyears

I know you're in a bad place right now, henryd, a place that is all too familiar! I can feel your frustration and anger and your insatiable need to have a shared connection with your wife which includes making mad passionate love to her. Yes, it's horrible. And, now to make things worse, you just learned that being asexual is an orientation not a behavior and you're probably feeling that all hope is gone. It sucks! And, everyone is talking about compromise and you're thinking, "they can't be serious, I want, I need, I want, I need"...Right? Your emotions are so raw, they're eating you up inside! You're right...none of it's fair. You certainly didn't sign up for THIS and you can't live like this any more!

I also understand that you love your wife of 12 years and you love your kids and basically everything would be wonderful if it wasn't for this "issue". I suggest you hang around... Learn from those here on AVEN that have gone before you and understand that this is a process.

Whether we come to AVEN as a sexual, asexual or somewhere in between, we all come searching for answers. Being a part of this community has brought me to a place so much different than where I was last January. Does the "issue" still exist...of course...but, if it's important to you to preserve the "good" in your relationship then you BOTH need to work on a solution...and that's called "compromise"!

Hang in there, henryd. We're all here to help!

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Night Butterfly

I'm sorry, but from what I've read. You just want to cheat and you want an excuse for it. It seems you want a Madonna/Whore situation. On one, your pure wife and on another, a person to use for sexual desires.

How do you think your wife would feel if she knew you were thinking all this? Have you considered her in this at all? And don't say you have by not mentioning it to her, that's not the same.

It's not simple, no. But there are simple choices. You either love your wife (really LOVE, cannot live without her) and stay, finding a way to work through it all. Or you're just with her for the company and kids, in which case that's not a good relationship.

And most of all, it doesn't matter what anyone here thinks. It matters what you and your wife think. Talk to her.

I'm sorry if you or most think I don't have a right to say this but I had to say it.

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henryd

I'm sorry, but from what I've read. You just want to cheat and you want an excuse for it. It seems you want a Madonna/Whore situation. On one, your pure wife and on another, a person to use for sexual desires.

No. Actually, don't want a whore or a Madonna at all. But I do want a relationship that is sexually fulfilling.

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skullery

You either love your wife (really LOVE, cannot live without her) and stay, finding a way to work through it all. Or you're just with her for the company and kids

This isn't correct. You can truly love your partner and still not be getting your needs met. They're not mutually exclusive. As for "cannot live without her"... jesus, if someone told me they couldn't live without me I'd run away FAST.

Also, I don't see the OP wanting a madonna and whore... if that were the case, he'd have been cheating all along, he wouldn't be trying to have sex with his wife. I get it... Henry, you've just recently discovered asexuality and it hasn't quite worked into your worldview yet. If I can quote Batman's Ace, "people try to understand new information with a minimum of change to their existing worldview. Sometimes this attempt makes them come across as narrow-minded or idiotic." Not that I'm calling you narrow-minded or idiotic, but you just haven't wrapped your head around how this new piece of information fits into all the information you already have. Give it time. Surely you see that the answer "well then I'll just have two relationships instead of one" isn't really encompassing the totality of the circumstance you find yourself in. As was pointed out earlier, monogamy and sexuality are two completely separate things... but it doesn't feel like that to you. An open relationship may be a fine answer for you and your wife, but conceptually I'm not sure you're at a place yet to fully understand what all of this means for you, your wife, and your future.

Give it time. Mull on it for awhile.

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henryd

I want to follow up with some final thoughts on this question of fairness based on the input I received and other threads in this forum.

Thank you much for your honest comments.

As to the question of fairness, obviously monogamy is something that is mutually agreed upon by two people. However, that doesn't mean you can't discuss the question of fairness. I can ask whether if my spouse goes to prison for life, is it fair for her to ask me to remain monogamous. Or if she died, is it fair of her to ask me in her will to do the same. In the same sense, I think it's fair question to ask whether it's fair for an asexual person to ask a sexual partner to remain monogamous when they can't provide them with a normal sex life.

I'm still not sure about whether it's fair or not, but what I am now sure of is is that asexuals are in no position to make that judgement. Why? As these forums make clear, by being asexual you can't possibly understand what it's like for sexual people to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Sex isn't just a physical activity. It's not like skiing. And it's not at all obvious, for sexuals, that monogamy and sex are separate things.

This kind of reminds of how some in the deaf community don't want their kids to have an operations that would make it possible for them to hear. If you have never been able to hear and you don't know what you are missing, no matter how happy you are being deaf, you are in no position to judge whether or not someone else should be allowed to hear.

Same with the question of monogamy. If you don't like sex, if you can't appreciate what sexual people are missing, no matter how happy you are being asexual you are in no position to understand what it's like for sexual people to remain monogamous with you.

Sure, you can ask for it. You can want it. If they knew going in you have a very good case. But ultimately, sexuals should not look to asexuals to judge the morality of their decision. They need to look to other sexuals who can understand them.

BTW, I haven't decided to cheat or ask for an open marriage or ask for a divorce. I plan to remain monogamous by default, as I always have, until I decide otherwise.

Hopefully, this thread will prevent other sexuals in mixed marriages from making the mistake of coming here to ask asexuals for their opinion on this. This is probably the worst possible place for anyone in my position to seek advice.

This would be a great place to be if you make the decision to commit to making monogamy work forever with an asexual, as you can then commiserate with people like SkulleryMaid who have made that decision. (And it's possible I will too)

But if you are a sexual in a mixed relationship deciding what to do, I would strongly suggest that you go elsewhere for advice, perhaps a forums dedicated to discussing sexless marriage with other people that are in that unfortunate position.

Because a place like this will make you question your own sanity.

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Kikuka

This kind of reminds of how some in the deaf community don't want their kids to have an operations that would make it possible for them to hear. If you have never been able to hear and you don't know what you are missing, no matter how happy you are being deaf, you are in no position to judge whether or not someone else should be allowed to hear.

I just feel like I should correct this as someone who's doing Deaf Studies as a part of a degree. Your comparison doesn't exactly hold.

Within the Deaf community there are obviously a lot of families that are all deaf, and they have children who are usually deaf as well. The thing is, though, that while most people within the Deaf community dislike cochclear implants (mostly due to their history of forced oral teaching methods), while they may dislike them they will continue to fully support their children should they choose, at the appropriate age, that they want one. Usually Deaf parents refuse the operation to do cochlear implants on their children because they want their kids to make that decision for themselves after they've experienced the Deaf community as well as have had interaction with the speaking/hearing.

Deaf parents though, would always support their children if they decide they want to go for the implant. The implant places young children awkwardly between the Deaf world and the Hearing world, and parents want their deaf children to have a sense of belonging while growing up. A cochlear implant makes developing that feeling of belonging really difficult for children. Are they of the hearing world and not accepted in their family's community? Or are they of the Deaf community and can't quite mesh with the hearing world? It's difficult for a child. Parents refuse the implant on young children because a stable environment is what they need while growing up. And hopping between two communities is not stable.

TL;DR - Deaf parents don't make the decision for their kids, they wait until the kids can make the call for or against an implant themselves.

So, using this comparison of mixed ace/sexual relationships and the Deaf community's view on implants, they don't really match up. The issues are on separate levels. Your wife, to follow the metaphor then, grew up in the Deaf community then, as you would have, and certain things were expected. But say she receives an implant. Now she's aware that there's an entire other community that feels the way she has, and she is allowed to also experience this community. That's the way that this comparison might work.

I'm not going to comment on ace/sexual monogamous relationships, seeing as I'm not involved in one and I don't have that experience. I will say that I think it's fair for someone to want a monogamous relationship, even if they may be asexual. As everyone else has said, it's a matter of speaking openly about the issue with your significant other and deciding what is fair between the two of you. Because what may be fair for one couple may not work out for another.

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Sally

I'm still not sure about whether it's fair or not, but what I am now sure of is is that asexuals are in no position to make that judgement. Why? As these forums make clear, by being asexual you can't possibly understand what it's like for sexual people to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Sex isn't just a physical activity. It's not like skiing. And it's not at all obvious, for sexuals, that monogamy and sex are separate things.

That conclusion is unfair in itself, Henryd. There are a number of asexuals on AVEN who have had relationships with sexuals (myself being one of them) who have had sex with their partners and thus have experienced how emotionally important sex is for sexuals. For those who haven't, many can actually sympathize with sexuals who can't engage in what to them is part of love: having sex with their partners. You're assuming that someone who doesn't want or enjoy something can't possibly imagine how someone else can do so.

"These forums", for you, have been the particular asexuals who have interacted with you on this particular thread. That's pure chance. It doesn't represent asexuals as a group, just as you don't represent sexuals as a group.

You may be right that you'd find more support on a sexless-marriage forum. However, there you will find people who are fairly angry, and that may just increase your sense of unfairness. As long as you concentrate on that, it's unlikely that you will find any compromise between you and your wife. One partner emphasizing how unfair the other partner is without taking responsibility for and control of their own actions is caught in their own emotional trap. I hope you don't stay in that trap.

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Ninny

If your wife really is asexual I would hope you try and become a little more understanding and respectful of her orientation.

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skullery

But if you are a sexual in a mixed relationship deciding what to do, I would strongly suggest that you go elsewhere for advice, perhaps a forums dedicated to discussing sexless marriage with other people that are in that unfortunate position.

I'm not sure anyone else is going to have different suggestions. No matter who you ask, the options are divorce, asking for an open relationship, or monogamy. And if your wife says "no" to open marriage, you're down to two choices. If you make her feel like her only option is open marriage or divorce, she may agree to it, but that doesn't mean you're not looking down the barrel at a lot of unpleasantness moving forward.

I try really hard to tell people that leaving a relationship because of sex is totally fine. Dan Savage just answered a question about this recently, and he said something to the effect of "why wouldn't sexual incompatibility be a good reason to leave a sexual relationship?". And I agree completely.

You want two separate relationships... and I'm pretty sure that if you went to counseling, your therapist would let you know that's not a good option. You're stuck in an idealist mentality where you can have one relationship with your wife, another relationship with another woman, and have both of those relationships be unaffected by each other. That's just not how real life works. Personally I think you and your wife would benefit from a divorce. You can move on and find what will make you truly happy. You can still be close with her and she's always going to be a major part of your life because she's the mother of your kids... but I see nothing in any of your posts that suggests that you are happy or will be happy in a monogamous relationship with her. And holding onto her and finding a monogamous sexual partner... that's going to end in heartbreak for all three of you. Have some integrity and leave now. Waiting until you find someone better is the chicken's way out.

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Vampyremage

I want to follow up with some final thoughts on this question of fairness based on the input I received and other threads in this forum.

Thank you much for your honest comments.

As to the question of fairness, obviously monogamy is something that is mutually agreed upon by two people. However, that doesn't mean you can't discuss the question of fairness. I can ask whether if my spouse goes to prison for life, is it fair for her to ask me to remain monogamous. Or if she died, is it fair of her to ask me in her will to do the same. In the same sense, I think it's fair question to ask whether it's fair for an asexual person to ask a sexual partner to remain monogamous when they can't provide them with a normal sex life.

I'm still not sure about whether it's fair or not, but what I am now sure of is is that asexuals are in no position to make that judgement. Why? As these forums make clear, by being asexual you can't possibly understand what it's like for sexual people to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Sex isn't just a physical activity. It's not like skiing. And it's not at all obvious, for sexuals, that monogamy and sex are separate things.

This kind of reminds of how some in the deaf community don't want their kids to have an operations that would make it possible for them to hear. If you have never been able to hear and you don't know what you are missing, no matter how happy you are being deaf, you are in no position to judge whether or not someone else should be allowed to hear.

Same with the question of monogamy. If you don't like sex, if you can't appreciate what sexual people are missing, no matter how happy you are being asexual you are in no position to understand what it's like for sexual people to remain monogamous with you.

Sure, you can ask for it. You can want it. If they knew going in you have a very good case. But ultimately, sexuals should not look to asexuals to judge the morality of their decision. They need to look to other sexuals who can understand them.

I don't think this is an entirely fair statement for two reasons. First, while an asexual may not completely understand the role sex plays in a sexual's life, all people, sexual and asexual alike, have needs and desires in a relationship. While those needs may be different, they are no less valid for the individuals in question than any other needs. I'm sure its difficult for a sexual to be in a relationship with an asexual, just as its difficult for an asexual to be in a relationship with a sexual. The thing about relationships is that two people are involved and in order for that relationship to be succesfull, the needs of both parties need to be met. If, for whatever reason, it isn't possible to meet those needs, then the relathionship should probably end.

Its not really about fairness vs. unfairness. Its about relationships including 2 people and their needs being equally important to one another. You may as well ask, in that case, if its fair for a sexual to expect their asexual partner to engage in and enjoy sex, because it really is the same sort of thing. Cheating is never an acceptable option and if you go behind the back of your loved one, what kind of message does that send to them and how much can you really respect them in that case?

The second reason this is unfair is that some of the comments you have been recieving are from sexuals and they are saying similar things as the asexuals involved.

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Iuveth

You know, I wonder why you're trying to look at it from the fairness point of view - after all, life just isn't fair. Fairness is a crazy concept people made up when it stopped being about pure survival.

In the end, it's all about what you want or don't want to do. Personally, I think everyone should go for the choices that make them happy, because nobody else is going to do it for you and if you're not happy, the people around you won't be happy either.

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Sally

And holding onto her and finding a monogamous sexual partner...

This striggered memories of several friends telling me that they were involved with a married man who had told them that there had been no sex in their marriage for years. Then suddenly the wife was pregnant, and my friends felt really betrayed, and also stupid for believing the man.

There's no particular reason you could find a woman who was willing to have a relationship with you if you told her the only reason you were doing it was that your wife wouldn't have sex with you. They probably wouldn't believe you. If you found that woman, you couldn't be sure that she was monogamous with you. After all, if she didn't believe that you were, why should she be monogamous?

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StefG

I don't know the correct answer for you. I also think, that maybe sticking around here for a while may help you. One other thing I want to let you know. I'm a divorced asexual woman myself. When I went into my marriage, I did not know I was asexual myself. I did know that I wasn't enjoying sex, but because I didn't know I was asexual, I just thought I was sick, depressed, or whatever and that in time things would resolve. I loved my future husband and trusted him to help me find my problem. At the beginning it seemed like sex was no problem, but there is a very small percentage of asexuals, who had this same problem, because things were new. But after a while they fell back to their old self and totally dispised sex again. So it's not fair to say "Had I known this before I married", because most likely your wife didn't know this either. She still may or may not know. It ended with my ex-husband cheating and now we're divorced with our child going back and force. It's a tragic and unfair situation for everybody involved. If I may suggest something from what I would have appreciated while I was still married. If my ex-husband would have known what you know now, instead of cheating I would have loved him to do the following: After coming home from work, maybe a nice candle light dinner with our favorite food and some flowers to set the mood. Then I would have liked him to start out with something like this: "Honey, I need to talk with you, because I love you above all else." Tell her what you love about being with her, the activities together maybe or whatever. Then say, that you 'found' something, that may or may not fit her (sorry for my English, it's not my native language, but you get the point) and may or may not help her to identify, who she is. You may want to print something out from Wiki or look for a book, if she likes to read. Don't explain anything else to her, but let her feel, that you love her. Give her the info to read, tell her you love her no matter what, cuddle up with her under a blanket, watch some TV and nothing else. Then wait a few weeks, maybe a months. I guarantee you, something will happen. If she's like me, open, but didn't ever hear of the subject, she will read and then get back to you, when the time is right. However if she DID know about it, but was previously too scared or shy to tell you, then she will most likely be relieved, that you already know. Both scenario us, if she is an intelligent woman, she'll also worry about you in the end and who knows, maybe she totally catches you off surprise and proposes something you haven't thought about. Try this, stick with us and let us help you. If you seriously don't want a divorce and love your wife, then there is hope.

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Kitty Spoon Train

When considering non-monogamy (and this is useful when questioning ANY kind of issues in relationships with people by the way), I think it's good to examine whether your motivation for it is selfish, selfless, or a good balance in-between. These things are always a spectrum of course, there is no such thing as a totally selfless relationship, so try not to think of the following in black and white...

I think one of the traps with open relationships is that people (especially men, but not always) go into it with the idea of simply wanting to go out there and get superficial sexual variety and excitement from new partners. This is almost always a bad idea because the upfront motivator is selfish. ie "I just want to be free to go out and screw a variety of chicks.". It's usually - though not necessarily always - driven by something that's lacking in the current relationship. Either that, or greed and lust. But at any rate - the core of the motivation is selfish. So this is what makes it generally alienating and destructive to the existing/core relationship.

On the other hand, it's possible for the motivation for non-monogamy to be exactly the opposite - mostly or almost entirely selfless. This is where it's not about your own self-satisfying craving for something outside the relationship, but all about wanting your partner to be free. This is where you try to let go of your own ego to the point where you can rejoice in your partner's happiness no matter what makes them happy - even if it's something that excludes you - and even if it's an outside sexual/romantic connection. In the polyamorous community this is called "compersion". In Buddhism there is a similar concept called "sympathetic joy".

Personally, I think the less a relationship is about satisfying selfish needs, and more about sharing and even a sense of "mutual selfless giving", the more healthy it is likely to be (and again, this is a spectrum, there are no black and white dividers). The combination of people involved (eg. Mono vs poly/open, etc) is irrelevant. Open/polyamorous versus monogamous arrangements definitely have different logistical issues, but at the core is whether the motivation is more selfless or more selfish. Whether it's about sharing love, giving love, or selfishly taking love. Whether it's about letting each other grow or about constraining each other. Open/poly relationships can be entered into for completely selfish reasons. Monogamous relationships can also be all about neurotically keeping a partner only for yourself, the emotional equivalent of keeping your partner chained to the radiator in your bedroom. It's not the physical reality, it's the selfish mindset behind it.

These are questions you can only really answer introspectively. I don't think anyone outside can really answer it for you. Personally, I think it's important to be honest with your own and your partner's motivations. Some relationships are simply doomed because the only way a person can give selfless love to the other is to not be themselves, which is almost never healthy in large doses as a long term solution. If it really does come down to your compatibility being so off that divorce is the only option, then doing so as amicably as possible might be the best solution.

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goodyears

You're right, HenryD, it's not FAIR!! And we both know that life isn't fair, but here you are (like I was) frustrated and angry with the whole world.

There are plenty of people out there (you're probably aware of who they are already) just like you and I...not wanting to give up their marriage, but wanting/needing a connection with someone (like us) that fulfills the sexual craving void.

Having an "open marriage" agreement with your wife will make you feel like life is good! Your emotions are intact (no falling in love with this person), the frustration/anger is gone and your relationship with your wife is much happier...YOU are a happy person now!

Pretty soon your original feelings of frustration and anger return. You realize that what you really want is to share a sexual relationship (that feeling of closeness) with your wife...the person who you lay next to every night and wake up with every morning. The person you share birthdays, holidays, summer vacations, wedding anniversaries and your kids' special moments with throughout the year. What you want is a complete relationship with your wife because you love her. Ending up right back where you started only this time hopefully with the understanding....there are no easy answers!

I understand where you are right now, why you think it isn't fair for an Ace to insist on a monogamous relationship and why you're sounding self-centered...because I was there!

As scary and difficult as it seems, I think your wife needs to be part of the solution to a problem which YOU BOTH share. And, we will be here for both of you.

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Lady Girl

There's a lot of talk of compromise, but I don't see how the sexual person can really get what they want from the asexual person, because what they want is not just the physical gratification, but the emotional connection that comes with a sexually compatible relationship.

I haven't finished reading this thread yet, but this keeps appearing and I want to respond. The answer is simple. The compromise works when the sexual realizes the asexual partner is having sex with them BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE SEXUAL PARTNER, not because they want sex. What is more emotional in this life than love? It's something you realize in your mind.

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BunnyK.

There's a lot of talk of compromise, but I don't see how the sexual person can really get what they want from the asexual person, because what they want is not just the physical gratification, but the emotional connection that comes with a sexually compatible relationship.

I haven't finished reading this thread yet, but this keeps appearing and I want to respond. The answer is simple. The compromise works when the sexual realizes the asexual partner is having sex with them BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE SEXUAL PARTNER, not because they want sex. What is more emotional in this life than love? It's something you realize in your mind.

Honestly, I don't think that's going to be good enough for everyone. It's nice to know your partner loves you and it might be enough for some people, but for me, the sexual connection isn't something that can be replaced by some airy-fairy "well, they LOVE you, so they don't need to WANT you". For me - and it sounds like it's the same for the OP - that takes the magic right out of the relationship in a way that can't be made up for.

I guess on the overall question of the thread, I come down on the side that thinks fair has nothing to do with it. Your wife can want a non-sexual, monogamous relationship and you can want a sexual one of some kind - it's just that neither of you will get what you want while having a totally happy marriage with the other. You might be able to negotiate to a degree of unhappiness you both can live with, but unfortunately there's no other real solution.

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Lady Girl

Not thinking it's so airy-fairy after 25 years of it...but you probably know better than I do. It was an honest observation in regards to this point of contention that comes up a lot in these threads, I've never said it before in quite this way on AVEN. :)

It's just one take on one point anyway, no big deal.

I think maybe something I mean as well is that I realize he does WANT me, it's just not a body thing. I know it won't work for everyone.

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princess of doom

Interesting thread here.....I'm an asexual in a mixed marriage. Although I don't necessarily get turned on as that of an asexual, it doesn't mean that it won't hurt when someone else is chosen to replace even a part of me. Although everyone has different views of marriage, the traditional Christian view will always be that of monogamy and sacrifice. I also wonder how many people who find themselves in open marriages have actually discussed this with their spouse and agreed upon that course. Not all marriages are good but if we live our lives feeling sorry for ourselves, we can never get to the point of living for the other person, the heart of marriage. If open marriage is an option, it should be mutually decided upon, and not hidden. For if one finds themselves hiding their actions, know that there just my be something wrong with those actions. Live life to the fullest and love with all that you are. Stay true to your vows and to yourself. :wub:

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Nogitsune

Well, I think I just watched all my sympathy fly out of the window.

You feel you need a non-asexual person to have sex with while your wife apparently needs a monogamous relationship, but your desires mean she is being "unfair" and depriving you of your happiness while her desires are something she should just get over. U-huh.

Anything is a legitimate dealbreaker in a relationship. The situation sucks, but if you decide a monogamous relationship with your wife doesn't work for you, you have every right to break up with her over this. At the same time, however, your wife has every right to refuse to be part of a non-monogamous relationship. That does not mean she is "depriving" you of anything - it is your chocie to stay with her.

Maybe your wife does not get how important sexual attraction is to you, but maybe you don't get how important monogamy is to her.

If your wife intentionally made you believe that she experienced sexual attraction until late into the relationship although she knew she was asexual, which is what I got from one of your posts, then that sucks and really was unfair of her. But it still doesn't change anything about the situation now - it doesn't render her desires any less important than yours. If she's completely against the idea, you can't expect her to happily put your needs before her own, especially when you're not willing to do the same.

You wanted the opinions of other asexuals. You got them. Just because you don't like the answers you got does not mean it's "bad advice", and making random comparisons to supposedly selfish people with disabilities was way out of line as far as I'm concerned, as were some other comments, so I'm not going to apologize for being harsh.

For the record, I don't "get" a desire for monogamy any more than I "get" sexual attraction. I do get the fact that other people experience those things and that their desires are important, though. It's not that difficult a concept.

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sexualwithasexual

This is all super important stuff. The OP is really going through a VERY tough time, I assure you. I've been there.

When I first joined AVEN, I was told that finding out about an asexual partner is akin to dealing with death, and the five stages of grief may be something one goes through. I think we've witnessed that with Henry. I think it's hard for anyone to really sympathize unless they're right in the same place almost. It's been several years for me, so I'm in a totally different place.

So Henry, DO take the advice to take it slow. I think it's great that you're learning here first. That will probably really help. One bit of warning.. I acted like I was relieved (I was) to know that the lack of sex wasn't a sign that our relationship was bad or off or that I was off, but my partner then felt off. It took a LONG time for her to process this. I do think it's comparable to coming out of the closet.

So as hard of a time that you're having now, be aware that when she figures this stuff out, she'll be facing some trials that are just as baffling if not more so. She'll be looking at her own orientation, and the threat of losing you now that you "know" her orientation isn't the same as yours.

As for open relationships.. sigh. I've longed fantasized what you're envisioning. And for the record, so have MANY asexuals on this forum, who would love to have a mixed relationship solution. I really think it could be possible.

Stay away from "fair" and focus on "What can I manage for now?" Try not to imagine the "ideal" life or relationship set up. Try to see that your wife adores you, and start looking for (and asking about) clues that show you how much she loves and wants and desires you. She desires you in probably most every other way, except sexually. This is huge! She wouldn't be with you if she didn't. Her emotions are just as huge as yours. That's what helps me.

The reason you'll get no where fast comparing another sexuality to asexuality, is that for an asexual in a relationship with you, they really DON't have any other desire than to just be with you. So you can't compare it. My mind definitely has, and I've done it on AVEN many times too, but it doesn't really compare. My partner wants to be with me. Period. She wants me to NOT be with anyone else. That's the story, so I've got to decide how I feel about it. She's not saying "take it or leave it". We don't go there. Stay away from philosophizing and take it slow. Give yourself plenty of time to figure all this out. Sounds like you are. And please don't run away from AVEN! Sexuals like me want you to stick around!

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goodyears

When I first joined AVEN, I was told that finding out about an asexual partner is akin to dealing with death, and the five stages of grief may be something one goes through. I think we've witnessed that with Henry. I think it's hard for anyone to really sympathize unless they're right in the same place almost.

I totally agree.

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Lady Girl

When I first joined AVEN, I was told that finding out about an asexual partner is akin to dealing with death, and the five stages of grief may be something one goes through. I think we've witnessed that with Henry. I think it's hard for anyone to really sympathize unless they're right in the same place almost.

I totally agree.

I'm sorry, but I don't agree.

For me, it was the beginning of the end of all kinds of grief and strife in my relationship. I realize from being on AVEN now for a year (wow, how did that happen?) that this is only the case for what seems to be a tiny number of sexuals. This is not to say that my husband and I didn't struggle with talking things out, coming to a comfortable compromise, and perhaps dealing with a handful of other asexuality related issues. But deep inside that severe feeling of not getting what was going on with us was completely eliminated. Completely. And because of that, any struggles we've had in the last year have been quite minor in comparison to the dismay I felt pre-AVEN.

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Olivier

Well the last of the five stages is acceptance, and it's where everybody wants to end up if they've chosen to live with it. But I'd imagine there were plenty of the usual denial, anger, bargaining, and depression on the route there.

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Lady Girl

Mr. Lady Girl says...'Death By Sexy'! :D

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WTF HELP

I'm sorry to say that there are two entirely different states of being metaphysical (LOVE) and physical (SEX) and like most things in physics they can happen in an instant or take time to degrade. From what I understand about my situation is that we cannot blame someone form trying to be normal, this is who we are. Coping with decisions we make is what makes us human. It is not fair but wanting to be normal is is an aspiration that we cannot deny anyone, unfortunate NEEDING the same things normal people do is unfair once the rules have changed I.E. kids. I assume most people on this forum who are or are effected by asexual partners know this. The only thing I will say that as a person who needs it, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR GETTING IT, if you love your partner then all other activities relating to sex are out of bounds, like football, they have no knowledge. Just be safe and remember you are doing nothing wrong, if they hold it against you then explain how it is. Obviously I haven't otherwise I would be dead :) Just follow the rules ....

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