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Mr. Shuttershy

Aplatonic

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Mr. Shuttershy

Alright, I'm going to have to explain this really carefully.

I am in love with my best friend, a story you've heard if you've seen any of my posts. I've come to realize that this is not the first time. However, I have also been really evaluating my other friendships lately. If you saw my post in the Tea and Sympathy on not loving my friends, good, but in short I've come to understand that most people in my life could be considered an acquantance at best. Now, I have a few friends who are nice, but I don't feel a psrticular bond with them. If the aromantics are to be believed, platonic love is a type of /love/, and a love that is not to be under-estimated. It runs deeps and means a lot.

I have never had that.

Sure, the people I've 'friended' are nice, and I'd want nothing but for them to be happy, but I don't really have a bond with them. The only people in my life that I've bonded with are those I feel romantic attraction to.

So, don't get me wrong, I have friends and care about them; but love is a powerful word, and one I cannot apply to them.

I've theorized its because my parents were abusive, so I never learned how to love those I don't feel romantically for; bur how would one even change that? I'm an adult now, and I don't know if I can learn to have feeöings for friends.

That's where the title comes in.

Aplatonic.

I was just wondering if anyone has shared my experience? Do you think aplatonic can exist? Its not that I don't want to bond, but I just feel so indifferent. I'm not neccesarily looking for a label, but I'm more looking for others who share this experience. I feel empty to feel as I do.

Thoughts? Opinions? Cake?

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Philip027

Everyone's got their own definitions of love. As long as it isn't something distorted to the point of believing things like "he only beats me because he loves me!", none of them are more incorrect than another.

Personally, I can care deeply about someone but I still wouldn't necessarily call it love. Some people might do so. It's a subjective thing.

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NotAllHere

I have had, in my lifetime, a total of only two friends. Others I have called friend, but were really more acquaintances than anything else. I fall in and out of touch with 'friends' all the time. Some people are just that way.

I don't really call close attachment to my friends 'love' but I also use the term love to define something very specific to me. I also want all of my acquaintances to be as happy as they can be- and I'll be there for them and everything. It's just that if we don't talk for however long, I don't care. If we fall completely out of touch, well, then we do. It doesn't bother me.

So, yeah, I guess aplatonic would describe me fairly well. I just don't connect with people very well- I don't connect with many people at all. It's just the way some people are made. You feel indifferent in forming bonds to people, well, then you just do- it's not something to feel bad about.

Oh, and :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake:

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skullery

I've had a couple friends when i was younger that I would have said I loved... but not since high school/ college. and that was more because they were my "family", so to speak, because I had just come out and my family pretty much disowned me and I lived with my friends and all that jazz. I haven't experienced platonic love since then and I don't expect to ever again. To be honest, I don't understand the difference between romantic and aromantic love if someone is asexual, since the only thing that separates the two for sexuals is wanting to bang someone.

See guys, this is why we need an aromantic forum! I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!

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Mr. Shuttershy

I've had a couple friends when i was younger that I would have said I loved... but not since high school/ college. and that was more because they were my "family", so to speak, because I had just come out and my family pretty much disowned me and I lived with my friends and all that jazz. I haven't experienced platonic love since then and I don't expect to ever again. To be honest, I don't understand the difference between romantic and aromantic love if someone is asexual, since the only thing that separates the two for sexuals is wanting to bang someone.

See guys, this is why we need an aromantic forum! I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Its.. just. The gripping 'i want to exclusively spend my life with you'..

I have had, in my lifetime, a total of only two friends. Others I have called friend, but were really more acquaintances than anything else. I fall in and out of touch with 'friends' all the time. Some people are just that way.

I don't really call close attachment to my friends 'love' but I also use the term love to define something very specific to me. I also want all of my acquaintances to be as happy as they can be- and I'll be there for them and everything. It's just that if we don't talk for however long, I don't care. If we fall completely out of touch, well, then we do. It doesn't bother me.

So, yeah, I guess aplatonic would describe me fairly well. I just don't connect with people very well- I don't connect with many people at all. It's just the way some people are made. You feel indifferent in forming bonds to people, well, then you just do- it's not something to feel bad about.

Oh, and :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake:

I don't think I could've said it better. ;3; thank you so much, I don't feel so evil now..

:cake:

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skullery

I've had a couple friends when i was younger that I would have said I loved... but not since high school/ college. and that was more because they were my "family", so to speak, because I had just come out and my family pretty much disowned me and I lived with my friends and all that jazz. I haven't experienced platonic love since then and I don't expect to ever again. To be honest, I don't understand the difference between romantic and aromantic love if someone is asexual, since the only thing that separates the two for sexuals is wanting to bang someone.

See guys, this is why we need an aromantic forum! I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Its.. just. The gripping 'i want to exclusively spend my life with you'..

What is? I've heard both romantic AND platonic love described that way.

I have had, in my lifetime, a total of only two friends. Others I have called friend, but were really more acquaintances than anything else. I fall in and out of touch with 'friends' all the time. Some people are just that way.

I don't really call close attachment to my friends 'love' but I also use the term love to define something very specific to me. I also want all of my acquaintances to be as happy as they can be- and I'll be there for them and everything. It's just that if we don't talk for however long, I don't care. If we fall completely out of touch, well, then we do. It doesn't bother me.

So, yeah, I guess aplatonic would describe me fairly well. I just don't connect with people very well- I don't connect with many people at all. It's just the way some people are made. You feel indifferent in forming bonds to people, well, then you just do- it's not something to feel bad about.

Oh, and :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake:

I don't think I could've said it better. ;3; thank you so much, I don't feel so evil now..

:cake:

Also this. In some ways I'm a bad friend because I really don't care if our lives move us away from each other or if we lose touch... I actually get annoyed when friends do the "our paths never cross anymore, we need to make it a point to hang out!". I feel like, why?

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Mr. Shuttershy

Ooh, and the aro thread in musings and rantings might be a good place, Skullery.

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Mr. Shuttershy

I've had a couple friends when i was younger that I would have said I loved... but not since high school/ college. and that was more because they were my "family", so to speak, because I had just come out and my family pretty much disowned me and I lived with my friends and all that jazz. I haven't experienced platonic love since then and I don't expect to ever again. To be honest, I don't understand the difference between romantic and aromantic love if someone is asexual, since the only thing that separates the two for sexuals is wanting to bang someone.

See guys, this is why we need an aromantic forum! I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Its.. just. The gripping 'i want to exclusively spend my life with you'..

What is? I've heard both romantic AND platonic love described that way.

What? Platonic is.. ... you wouldn't /generally/ start a home or family with a platonic partner.

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skullery

I've had a couple friends when i was younger that I would have said I loved... but not since high school/ college. and that was more because they were my "family", so to speak, because I had just come out and my family pretty much disowned me and I lived with my friends and all that jazz. I haven't experienced platonic love since then and I don't expect to ever again. To be honest, I don't understand the difference between romantic and aromantic love if someone is asexual, since the only thing that separates the two for sexuals is wanting to bang someone.

See guys, this is why we need an aromantic forum! I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Its.. just. The gripping 'i want to exclusively spend my life with you'..

What is? I've heard both romantic AND platonic love described that way.

What? Platonic is.. ... you wouldn't /generally/ start a home or family with a platonic partner.

Then I'm hopelessly confused because I see on AVEN with some frequency the idea of aromantics wanting a platonic partner to share a life with. In the other thread when Nogistune says that she'd be fine sharing a life with a platonic partner but just doesn't really like the thought of them thinking "romantic things" about her... it does make me wonder... what is a romantic thought if it's not "I want to be near you" or "I want to share a life with you"?

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Mr. Shuttershy

I've had a couple friends when i was younger that I would have said I loved... but not since high school/ college. and that was more because they were my "family", so to speak, because I had just come out and my family pretty much disowned me and I lived with my friends and all that jazz. I haven't experienced platonic love since then and I don't expect to ever again. To be honest, I don't understand the difference between romantic and aromantic love if someone is asexual, since the only thing that separates the two for sexuals is wanting to bang someone.

See guys, this is why we need an aromantic forum! I have SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Its.. just. The gripping 'i want to exclusively spend my life with you'..

What is? I've heard both romantic AND platonic love described that way.

What? Platonic is.. ... you wouldn't /generally/ start a home or family with a platonic partner.

Then I'm hopelessly confused because I see on AVEN with some frequency the idea of aromantics wanting a platonic partner to share a life with. In the other thread when Nogistune says that she'd be fine sharing a life with a platonic partner but just doesn't really like the thought of them thinking "romantic things" about her... it does make me wonder... what is a romantic thought if it's not "I want to be near you" or "I want to share a life with you"?

Well, ...

.....

Hm...

Give me a day or so on that xD;;

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Mr. Shuttershy

I.. well. Shoot me aromantics, I dont know if I believe there is a difference in that situation. Its.. maybe. Oh god, let me pm you; I'ma sound likw a bitch.

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Stormharrier

I think maybe a platonic partner is more a 'housemate for life' kind of situation. You like the person, you enjoy hanging out together, and you want someone to live with so you've got someone to talk to in the evenings. That kind of thing. Like, I enjoy living by myself and all, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to live with someone else again so we can chat or watch films or cook together, and just generally share the little amusing moments in life (like watching the way my rats bounce around the hallway when they're happy - that's so hard to describe properly to someone that hasn't seen it). And if neither of us were planning on having an attachment stronger than that to anyone else, then why not buy a house together or whatever? But I wouldn't say that's romantic. Granted I'm not entirely clear on what is romantic, but I don't think that's it. Not sure if that helps any...

But back to the original post. I get what you mean. I have a bunch of friends. I guess most are really just acquaintances that I've seen a lot of so they get to be labelled as 'friends' because there aren't enough words in the english language to segregate them properly. Then there's a small handful of people that I feel more affectionately towards, who I figure maybe I do love at least a bit cuz it hurts me to see them upset. But at the same time I don't see all that much of them these days. And if that dropped down to 'never again' then I'm not sure I'd be all that massively upset about it (maybe a little disappointed, but that's about it). 'Indifferent' is probably an accurate word to desribe it all, as you say. I'm not sure if I'd describe my own situation as aplatonic so much as I don't trust people not to just up and leave so I don't bother getting too attached to them. So maybe that is aplatonic. Oh, I don't know. I should stop waffling and go to bed.

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Trava u doma

...

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maven

I think maybe a platonic partner is more a 'housemate for life' kind of situation. You like the person, you enjoy hanging out together, and you want someone to live with so you've got someone to talk to in the evenings. That kind of thing. Like, I enjoy living by myself and all, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to live with someone else again so we can chat or watch films or cook together, and just generally share the little amusing moments in life (like watching the way my rats bounce around the hallway when they're happy - that's so hard to describe properly to someone that hasn't seen it). And if neither of us were planning on having an attachment stronger than that to anyone else, then why not buy a house together or whatever? But I wouldn't say that's romantic. Granted I'm not entirely clear on what is romantic, but I don't think that's it. Not sure if that helps any...

It's this and it's more sometimes. What you're describing sounds more like a friendly roommate situation. A queerplatonic partner (or zucchini) is more than that - there's some sort of connection (often described as platonic love) that binds the two together. Some people use the word soulmate or "more than friends" or something similar.

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Siggy

I think my experience is similar in some ways. I have romantic relationships, and I have friendships. And there is a big gap between them.

I treat friends as a sort of support network. I like having lots of friends so that no matter where I go, there is someone I can chat with. And sometimes they have outings or parties, and I like that too. But I'm not really committed to building any one of my friendships. If friends move away or become too busy, I just make more friends.

But my experience with romantic relationships is that I could not possibly confuse them with my friendships, sex or not. We spend an order of magnitude more time together.

One time I had a relationship which was not quite a friendship and not quite a romantic relationship, and frankly it made me feel uncomfortable. I read a lot about WTFromantic experiences with wanting relationships on the romantic/platonic borderlines, and I sympathize but can't relate. We're a diverse bunch.

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The Bearded One

I have been trying to understand what a close personal relationship called "companionship" is, hence what "companions" are, for years.

I think maybe a platonic partner is more a 'housemate for life' kind of situation. You like the person, you enjoy hanging out together, and you want someone to live with so you've got someone to talk to in the evenings. That kind of thing. Like, I enjoy living by myself and all, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to live with someone else again so we can chat or watch films or cook together, and just generally share the little amusing moments in life (like watching the way my rats bounce around the hallway when they're happy - that's so hard to describe properly to someone that hasn't seen it). And if neither of us were planning on having an attachment stronger than that to anyone else, then why not buy a house together or whatever? But I wouldn't say that's romantic. Granted I'm not entirely clear on what is romantic, but I don't think that's it. Not sure if that helps any...

This seems to me to be an excellent description of a close personal relationship. Yet it doesn't seem to be "love" or "friendship". Is this an example of "companionship?

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Stormharrier

It's this and it's more sometimes. What you're describing sounds more like a friendly roommate situation. A queerplatonic partner (or zucchini) is more than that - there's some sort of connection (often described as platonic love) that binds the two together. Some people use the word soulmate or "more than friends" or something similar.

Very true. I guess I was just going for the most basic situation. That's the least you need from it, but if you happen to also have an emotional connection between the two of you then so much the better. Someone else is going to have to describe the nuances between that and romantic feelings though, cuz I know there's a difference but I'm not sure how to explain it (other than 'romantic' just feeling like the wrong word).

This seems to me to be an excellent description of a close personal relationship. Yet it doesn't seem to be "love" or "friendship". Is this an example of "companionship?

I guess it is, yes. Presumably you'd also consider the person a friend and you'd love them, otherwise how could you stand to be around them that much? But you're not in love with them, and it's more than a friendship. You'd just... I dunno, always be there for each other.

There seems to be a lot of words to describe a lot of very similar concepts and most of them overlap. No wonder this is all so confusing.

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Señor Podrido

"Love" is such a strong word for me. I don't even use it to describe my feelings for my own family but alot of people will claim they have it for their own relatives and a few friends. I'm not saying that I'm a callous person because instead of "love" my feelings for my relatives and acquaintences are replaced with a "mutual respect." For example, I respect my father and mother for taking care of me and expressing their concerns throughout my life and for that, I feel obligated to return the favor to them as if I have to repay a debt for bringing me up in this world when I couldn't have done so independently. However, I didn't ask for them to even give me this life so sometimes I do feel it was their obligation as parents eventhough they had other options for my well being. I care if something bad were to happen to anyone I know but only because I see the future negative impact it might have and not because they, as a personality, cease to exist. I concluded this after realizing that as I am now a young adult I can fend for myself and so I went on my own and never wanted to go back to them. I live in seclusion and I enjoy the tranquility so much that I don't want to get involved with anybody's matters and that includes my family members. I feel completely indifferent if they contact me or not because I rarely call up anybody nowadays unless I need something from someone and I know I could return the favor. Pretty much what I'm trying to say is I treat other people like pawn pieces for my own advantage but I don't want to come off as I'm completely selfish because without hesitation I will be there to provide some form of service or assistance to another whenever they need it because I feel that if I don't, then when I happen to need something from that individual they would reject my request. I think that the most practical thing for me to do is pretend like that "mutual respect" feeling is what others consider "love" but because I won't ever admit that to those I described, I am asking anyone of you if this type of feeling is mentally healthy as long as I'm not hurting anybody physically or emotionally or is this some form of anti-social behavior that needs to be addressed?

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sesalamander
I am asking anyone of you if this type of feeling is mentally healthy as long as I'm not hurting anybody physically or emotionally or is this some form of anti-social behavior that needs to be addressed?

Personally I see nothing wrong with thinking this way, and in a way it might just be a different way of looking at things. There are people who will help others for no other reason but because "It's the right thing to do" (even when it really isn't) and even this has limits.

On the plus side, I think that by making this distinction between "mutual respect" and "love", you won't be as easily taken advantage of as people who think more with emotions than with logic... meaning you have more capacity to take care of others, and more importantly, yourself.

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dino-saw

Most of my friends I've cared about but not really bonded with, even if I've been friends with them for a long time, but I would not describe myself as aplatonic, as I do love my friends, but only a select few. I say sometiems that I have friends instead of relationships, and it's probably true, I fill my life with many people, I don't rely on one person more than everyone else, I rely on groups of people, and in turn, they rely on me.

I'm sure aplatonic can exist, it makes just as much sense as aromantic, because its feelings towards a certain type of bond, but I'm not, and I think that people often want relationships that they feel that they aren't able to have, whether it be platonic or romantic or sexual, or a combination of these. :)

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