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Generally Confused; TL;DR


glimmer

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So, a bit of back story. I currently publicly identify as a polyamorous pansexual genderqueer (trans identifying) person. I have always been supportive of asexuality, having learned about it some time ago, but never really felt it applied to me, because I supposedly felt sexual attraction but which I don't think I ever really did, and was somehow confusing it or telling myself I did?

My conundrum now feels really weird to me, because I have always assumed (probably because I didn't analyze it enough) that I was sexual and supportive. It seems extremely odd to be questioning my own sexuality now when I have known about asexuality/demisexuality/gray-a for quite awhile. I have been doing some questioning with myself, and I have a close friend who is ace who has offered me loving support, as we are close friends, but I still find myself intensely confused.

I am polyamorous, and currently with one partner, who is a cis straight sexual man. We have a semi-long distance relationship and don't get to see each other often. TMI - we have not had any sex in a year, and when we do have sex, it is less focused on piv than other forms of sex.

He is feeling frustrated because of the lack of sex, and has expressed it. It is not really so much in an angry fashion, but very sad, and it is obvious he has a drive towards sex that I don't think that I have. Us not having had sex in a year doesn't really bother me much, because we haven't really been around each other. The other complex part of it is the fact that I do not feel what I define as sexual attraction to him. My interpretation of sexual attraction is the desire from knowing him/looking at him to have this drive towards sex to him. I do not have it.

However, I find him to be aesthetically pleasing, as in, I find him physically attractive. I find many people to be physically attractive, and find myself with romantic crushes on people. However, rather than having the desire to have sex with them, my drive is more, ooh! We should be friends/we should date/be relationshippy how I would consider romance (which is being nerdy and/or watching horrible movies and making fun of them and cuddling and kissing, and etc). There are definitely some people who I find more aesthetically attractive than others.

So, I feel that I am strongly romance oriented, and would not consider myself aromantic, as I love the idea of having multiple romantic partners, otherwise I would not be polyamorous. However, not every person I befriend or have a close relationship with makes me want to have a relationship with them.

Part of why we have not had sex in a year, though, is the fact that I feel very disconnected from him because I cannot see him very often, and this makes the idea of sex with him uncomfortable, unless we had more time to just be intimate in a non-sexual fashion.

Here is where it gets very complex, and is why I am posting here, because I feel like I may just be a weird sexual person and I don't want to coopt an identity that doesn't really fit me. I have a high libido, and enjoy lots of masturbation. However, I prefer sexual/sensual contact to masturbation, as it feels better, and has all those interesting hormonal releases and just generally, other people can be very good at stimulating you in ways that you aren't able to do yourself. When I am in a deep friendship or romantic relationship, I don't really have what I would consider a drive to have sex with a person, as I can go without sex, but I would say that I have a strong interest in sex, in that it feels good, and I enjoy feeling sexually desirable and pleasing others, as well as feeling very close to a partner.

I guess what I am saying is that I am very stimulation-focused, and have no desire to have that stimulation with just anyone, just people I have a close relationship with. I don't generally feel "crush" or "romantic-like" feelings until I get to know a person fairly well. The idea of one-night stands just leaves me scratching my head - I think I could engage in a one night stand if I felt they were going to provide me with extra good stimulation, or for other purposes (I guess "I had sex with X celebrity?" Although I don't really find much attraction in that) but I have no desire to seek it out. I don't really feel a drive to have sex with my partner. I look at him and I think, "you are attractive and I know sex with you will be good and enjoyable so I would like you to give me orgasms, and for me to give you orgasms, and it would make me feel close to you" but not "I need to have sex with you and not doing so will make me feel sad"

If a partner doesn't want to have sex with me, it isn't really an issue. My feelings of rejection or hurt come from a situation wherein they provide me with orgasms but don't allow me to provide them with orgasms, if I know they are interested in having them. For partners who are uninterested in orgasm, and are happy to provide me with orgasm, I would be totally fine, although they would have to genuinely enjoy it. I understand asexual/sexual compromise, but I would rather seek out stimulation behavior with another partner if I had an asexual partner who didn't enjoy giving orgasms. Cuddling and kissing would be ample closeness.

My only current partner however seems to definitely have a drive to have sex with me. I have talked to a number of friends about how they experience sexual attraction, and I don't really feel like I have it, but I am not sure if I am defining sexual attraction wrong, and my liking for people to stimulate me = sexual attraction. I don't really feel like it is, though, because I don't have this drive to seek out others to stimulate me, it is more, if I trust them and have close feelings for them, I enjoy having that sort of stimulation, and will initiate sex sometimes for that purpose.

I guess I would look at sex as a hobby that I engage in a lot but if I don't really feel the same interest in it, or must take time away, I will have a bit of a feeling of missing it, but it isn't really a big deal and I figure I'll get back to it when time or interest allows. When I don't have a deep relationship with someone who I feel it might be enjoyable to have sex with, I don't really go out looking for a partner and I am happy with masturbation and being single.

So AVEN, what do you think I am? Because I am ridiculously confused.

I know it is TL;DR so I will try and post a version of a metaphor I've seen on the boards:

Sex = food

Aesthetic attraction = liking the way the food preparer looks, but not necessarily wanting to eat their food

Romantic Attraction = caring about the person who cooked the food but not necessarily wanting to eat it

Sexual Attraction = desire for a specific kind of food

Libido = desire to eat

Primary sexual drive = desire to eat another's food for pleasure

Secondary sexual drive = desire to eat another's food for other reasons

Sexual Interest (In my own way of looking at it) = liking the person who cooked the food if they are there, and enjoying the sensation of eating another person's cooking because it's different than my own, even if my own is also very enjoyable, but being able to only eat my own food with no problem and not specifically seeking others to cook me food.

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Notte stellata

Wow, I actually read your whole post, because I can relate to many things you said (even the polyamory part, although it's not the most important thing here) . :)

I probably have much lower libido and weaker sexual interest than you, but I can understand what you mean, especially this part:

I don't really feel a drive to have sex with my partner. I look at him and I think, "you are attractive and I know sex with you will be good and enjoyable so I would like you to give me orgasms, and for me to give you orgasms, and it would make me feel close to you" but not "I need to have sex with you and not doing so will make me feel sad".

I see sex as something I'd like to enjoy on occasion, but if I couldn't have it at all, it wouldn't bother me. I'm 95% certain I don't experience sexual attraction, because I just don't feel that irresistible urge toward anyone, and my sexual partner says I don't have the passion for sex. And I definitely won't seek out others just for sex. I must be emotionally very close to someone before considering sex, but unlike demisexuals, I hardly (if ever) feel sexual attraction even in a close relationship. So I think I'm grey-a and quite close to ace.

I think you also sound like grey-a from your description, although in the end it's up to you to decide the label. :cake: :)

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I can relate to a lot of what you're saying (I also see sex as a hobby that my partner and I share). I consider myself a grey-a with demisexual tendencies. I'm grey because I do find sex fulfilling, but it's more related to stimulation than actual attraction. When I see someone, my mind think "They're hot; I need to take a picture of them so that I can remember what they look like." My demisexual tendencies kick in because sex would never enter the picture unless I really got to know the person. I can't process casual sex so even if my biggest celebrity crush appeared in my living room and offered one night of mind-blowing sex, I'd be like "Ew, I don't really know you."

For a while I thought I was a some sort of sexual who had a repressed childhood and lived in her head too much, but I started to notice that I couldn't relate to the things my partner and my friends talked about. Something always felt a little off when my relationship did become sexual, and as far as I knew, it had nothing to do with me not liking my partner anymore than others liked theirs. All of this (plus the AVEN FAQ and a few majorly ace moments) led me to conclude that I was grey.

As starrynight said though, it's up to you to figure things out. :)

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You sound demi to me. I think you just have a high desire for orgasms because they feel good. THAT does NOT mean you're not asexual. They are two completely different things.

I'm ace and WISH I could have an orgasm. Before, I used to get so much pleasure out of masturbation and stimulation from others. Now, nothing.

So, be happy while you have it. And if your boyfriend can't wait, then maybe you're not compatible.

However, I wish you good luck. :)

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I can relate to a lot of what you're saying (I also see sex as a hobby that my partner and I share). I consider myself a grey-a with demisexual tendencies. I'm grey because I do find sex fulfilling, but it's more related to stimulation than actual attraction. When I see someone, my mind think "They're hot; I need to take a picture of them so that I can remember what they look like." My demisexual tendencies kick in because sex would never enter the picture unless I really got to know the person. I can't process casual sex so even if my biggest celebrity crush appeared in my living room and offered one night of mind-blowing sex, I'd be like "Ew, I don't really know you."

For a while I thought I was a some sort of sexual who had a repressed childhood and lived in her head too much, but I started to notice that I couldn't relate to the things my partner and my friends talked about. Something always felt a little off when my relationship did become sexual, and as far as I knew, it had nothing to do with me not liking my partner anymore than others liked theirs. All of this (plus the AVEN FAQ and a few majorly ace moments) led me to conclude that I was grey.

As starrynight said though, it's up to you to figure things out. :)

Your first paragraph made me smile :)

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