improbability Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I'm new here, so apologies if this is something that gets discussed a lot... I've only recently started wondering about whether I might be asexual. The thing is, I'm a little uncertain about where the line is. The definitions of asexuality on this site and elsewhere state that asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, but also that asexuals may still experience romantic attraction, masturbate, and even enjoy sex with a partner. All this leaves me confused about what the difference is between romantic and sexual attraction. I'd like to hear what the rest of you think the difference is, and how you can tell. (For the record, my current hypothesis about my own sexuality is that I'm either asexual or gray-A, but hetero/bicurious-romantic.) Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 The most simplistic way to explain it is that sexual attraction is just that: a natural desire to have sex with a specific person, it can be an immediate desire upon seeing them or a more gradual one that develops over time, but in the end the base desire is for sex with that person. Romantic attraction is a desire for whatever you perceive is a romantic relationship with a specific person, can also be immediate or more gradual. Link to post Share on other sites
MindPool Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I was confused myself when I first joined aven. But WTF has a great explanation and I know I've seen other places talking about it and I would link you to them if I could find them. On another not, welcome to aven! Good to have you. Hope reading up on things here helps you to understand the way you are and clears up some confusion for you. If you have any questions you can look around the forums of course or I know many of us would be happy to answer anything we can. ^_^ PM me anytime. Hope you enjoy your stay haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 The most simplistic way to explain it is that sexual attraction is just that: a natural desire to have sex with a specific person, it can be an immediate desire upon seeing them or a more gradual one that develops over time, but in the end the base desire is for sex with that person. Romantic attraction is a desire for whatever you perceive is a romantic relationship with a specific person, can also be immediate or more gradual. In my book, a perfect description. Link to post Share on other sites
improbability Posted March 30, 2012 Author Share Posted March 30, 2012 Thanks, guys. I think some of my confusion has been compounded by the fact that I'm a virgin, so I tend to second-guess myself about everything involving sex. Sometimes I feel like there's a catch-22 where I can't really know if I want to have sex until I've tried it, but that always seemed like a really stupid reason to have sex. It would almost be easier in a way if I didn't feel romantic attraction, or didn't want other forms of physical affection (hugs, cuddling), because then I wouldn't keep going through the mental loop of "Wait, maybe this is what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like?" But I've never actually thought "I want to have sex with this person," or even "I want to have sex with some unspecified person." So I guess that pretty much confirms that I'm asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
13rave Posted November 8, 2013 Share Posted November 8, 2013 Thanks, guys. I think some of my confusion has been compounded by the fact that I'm a virgin, so I tend to second-guess myself about everything involving sex. Sometimes I feel like there's a catch-22 where I can't really know if I want to have sex until I've tried it, but that always seemed like a really stupid reason to have sex. It would almost be easier in a way if I didn't feel romantic attraction, or didn't want other forms of physical affection (hugs, cuddling), because then I wouldn't keep going through the mental loop of "Wait, maybe this is what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like?" But I've never actually thought "I want to have sex with this person," or even "I want to have sex with some unspecified person." So I guess that pretty much confirms that I'm asexual. This is such an old topic but I wanted to comment and say I feel the exact same way!! xD "Wait, maybe this is what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like?" Link to post Share on other sites
StrangeCreature Posted November 8, 2013 Share Posted November 8, 2013 From what my therapist said (and you can take this or leave it), sexual attraction is like a horny feeling for a particular individual. I'm not sure if that means wanting to have sex with them or not. I rarely, if ever, want to have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
pinkroses Posted November 8, 2013 Share Posted November 8, 2013 Thanks, guys. I think some of my confusion has been compounded by the fact that I'm a virgin, so I tend to second-guess myself about everything involving sex. Sometimes I feel like there's a catch-22 where I can't really know if I want to have sex until I've tried it, but that always seemed like a really stupid reason to have sex. It would almost be easier in a way if I didn't feel romantic attraction, or didn't want other forms of physical affection (hugs, cuddling), because then I wouldn't keep going through the mental loop of "Wait, maybe this is what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like?" But I've never actually thought "I want to have sex with this person," or even "I want to have sex with some unspecified person." So I guess that pretty much confirms that I'm asexual. i have had the same confusion. i been told to have sex and its amazing and all that. when i was in puberty i just felt like an outsider like i was missing something that i was supposed to have or needed. i didnt understand why kissing was appealing or why people wanted sex. i saw it as messy and sweaty and the concept of being naked was just werid and unnatural to me. i didnt know what i was im still a bit confused. p.s. i agree about sex just to have it seems rediculous at least to me. Link to post Share on other sites
improbability Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Wow, I posted this a long time ago. And I'm happy to say that I've since found an answer to the problem of "how do I know if want sex without trying it?", with help from a very patient and understanding boyfriend.The key is that physical intimacy isn't a binary choice between sex and nothing at all. There's a huge middle ground of non-platonic but not-really-sex forms of touching, which can be ways of working up to sex slowly and seeing which things you're comfortable with and which you're not. I'm still a virgin by pretty much anyone's definition, and I think I've conclusively confirmed my asexuality, but now I have a much firmer grasp on which parts I want and which I don't. (To give an example that's not too TMI: I've discovered that I'm underwhelmed by kissing, but surprisingly OK with being seen naked.) So, really, it's a matter of finding a partner who respects your boundaries and stopping when you don't feel comfortable going further. And if the point at which you want to stop is before you actually have sex, then it's probably not sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations. Lia Asexual Q&A Mod Link to post Share on other sites
abacct Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 From what my therapist said (and you can take this or leave it), sexual attraction is like a horny feeling for a particular individual. I'm not sure if that means wanting to have sex with them or not. I rarely, if ever, want to have sex. Eh, I see that more as sexual arousal. I'm aroused by some people, but in no way do I want to have sex with them. Link to post Share on other sites
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