Jump to content

Gray-A? Seems to fit


Sigrún

Recommended Posts

To start, I really resonate with anyone here who has suffered the feeling of being "Broken."

I had a breakdown about three weeks ago where I used that exact phrase with my husband.

A week ago I was reading a blog I enjoy by someone who is Transgender, and she mentioned asexuals as a group that is often not known about. Something about her comment made me start researching what, exactly, an asexual was. That is what brought me here. :cake:

I've had two relationships that could be called serious. The one while I was in high school was with a male who was 3 years older than me. This relationship lasted three years, and I refused to have sex the whole time. The thought completely squicked me out. I broke up with him when I got to University. I had thought for quite some time that my refusal was based solely out of sexual repression due to the brand of Christianity I was brought up in. And I still suspect that it was a factor, just not the primary one.

I started to date my husband about a year after I dumped the guy from HS. My husband was content to cuddle and perform other semi sexual acts for quite some time. A year into our relationship we decided to have sex. It felt good and I enjoyed the sensations, but I didn't crave it the way he does.

Fast forward a few years and we've been married for about a year and a half. I travel a lot for my job, so there hasn't been much strain on that part of our relationship. At least, there wasn't until I had a span where I was actually home for about 2 months straight.

This culminated in the above scenario of "I think I'm broken."

Since I've been reading here, I'm reasonably certain that I'm Gray-A leaning toward Asexual. I do feel sexual desire occasionally, but it is only directed toward my husband. I do think I feel athestic attraction. And to steal an example from another thread, I'm more likely to think that the person is beautiful in the way I think a statue is beautiful. This goes for the male and female bodies, although I'd rather admire the female form than the male. That said, I have zero desire to have sex with a statue, or a person whom I'm only able to appreciate in the same way.

It is amazing finding out that my reactions to sex aren't abnormal, that I'm not broken, I'm something different than I'd been taught to think I was.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sketch Doge

I understand exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about when my guy friends call women hot, or look at them and their jaw drops, I just don't understand it at all. I'm hetero but am not attracted to anyone sexually, ever. I used to think all my guy friends were just showing off but, only recently did I learn about demi-sexuality and it fits me perfectly. I still have a libido, and I know for a fact that I have been sexually attracted to one girl in my life and that was after knowing her and dating her for almost a year. But, don't lose hope, you are most definitely not broken, you are perfect the way you are and should learn to be comfortable in your sexuality (or lack there of). Lord knows I need to.

I would say communicate with your husband and don't be afraid to express yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

The "I'm broken" part of your post really spoke to me. I have had/still have the same feelings all the time, and to end up somewhere where it seems that I'm not, in fact, broken or messed up, is a pretty big relief.

I wish I could be more helpful about how to talk to your husband, but I'm going through a similar situation with my fiancee (I also had a discussion with him that ended in me saying I felt messed up) so unfortunately I can't tell you what to do. But since my first post here was initially met with a not-very-supportive reaction, I wanted to make sure to at least tell someone else that I understand what they're going through.

You and I don't have the exact same background/feelings, but I too am only attracted to my fiancee just not necessarily sexually. I'm sure you guys are great together and hope that you find peace in your relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I so get the broken part. I had to have the 'So...I think I'm kind of asexual' conversation with my husband. It was a hard time for us both, but he was very supportive. You just have to put it out there and see how he feels.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I so get the broken part. I had to have the 'So...I think I'm kind of asexual' conversation with my husband. It was a hard time for us both, but he was very supportive. You just have to put it out there and see how he feels.

How did you explain it to him? I've pretty thoroughly fumbled the initial telling part. I could use some advice for how to explain that it isn't anything he did or didn't do. And that it's not something he can 'fix'.

*Sigh*

Link to post
Share on other sites

I so get the broken part. I had to have the 'So...I think I'm kind of asexual' conversation with my husband. It was a hard time for us both, but he was very supportive. You just have to put it out there and see how he feels.

How did you explain it to him? I've pretty thoroughly fumbled the initial telling part. I could use some advice for how to explain that it isn't anything he did or didn't do. And that it's not something he can 'fix'.

*Sigh*

While I am not a relationship expert (far, far from it), I would suggest you have him check out the site with you. Show him what people say, and let him see that it is absolutely not his fault, but just the way you are. Make sure he knows that you love him, and appreciate him, regardless of sexual attraction.

Good luck :).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sketch Doge

While I am not a relationship expert (far, far from it), I would suggest you have him check out the site with you. Show him what people say, and let him see that it is absolutely not his fault, but just the way you are. Make sure he knows that you love him, and appreciate him, regardless of sexual attraction.

Good luck :).

I agree completely. Not much the relationship expert either but everything I have heard about relationships is that communication is key.

Plus I know for a fact that men like to feel needed. Make sure you let him know that you need his support in this, because if you are anything like me then your finding of aven was a personality crisis and self discovery all rolled into one.

Link to post
Share on other sites

To start, I really resonate with anyone here who has suffered the feeling of being "Broken."

....

A year into our relationship we decided to have sex. It felt good and I enjoyed the sensations, but I didn't crave it the way he does.

These two parts of your post really resonated with me. The reason why I originally thought that I might be asexual was because the only other option was being broken, and I didn't want to think of myself that way anymore. But then conflict arose when I realized that I actually enjoyed sexual actions, which made me feel like I couldn't classify myself as an asexual. The awkward part for me is that my girlfriend and I both entered this relationship thinking that we were asexual. We're both starting to question that, but I'm starting to decide that I actually am asexual, or at least gray-a, whereas she has a much higher drive than me.

Basically, you won't be the only one having this talk soon. I wish you luck, and hope that he understands. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...