Wondering about aromanticism

[Emley]

Sorry for yet another "am I...?" thread.

But I've recently been wondering about myself and considering whether I may lie on the aromantic spectrum somewhere. I've always thought of myself as quite a romantic person, imagining myself in a committed relationship with a significant other, settling down in a nice, quiet, cosy little home, maybe having a family at some point. But I've never managed to actually accomplish any of this - or even have a successful relationship lasting more than about a year.

I think I might be incapable of falling in love.

I just feel so cold and uncaring when I'm actually with a partner. I don't feel any of the stuff they talk about in songs and films - whether it's the fireworks, butterflies, and so on, or the feeling you're meant to have that you'd do anything for the person you're with. I've never loved anyone enough to want to sacrifice things I care about for them, let alone felt like I'd ever be prepared to come to physical harm for them. You hear people say "I'd die for you," but I've never felt that about someone.

Sitting down and thinking about it, I guess my ideal future relationship would be simply to have a very close friend, who I lived with. We'd both have someone to come home to after work, someone to cook for, someone to travel and do stuff with, whether it's heading out for a fun roadtrip, laughing at rubbish TV, playing games together. But really, more like a very good mate than a girlfriend, like a platonic relationship. Does anyone else ever have this sort of desire?

I'm 27 years old and live alone, and I hoped to have left all of this 'finding out who I am' stuff behind when I was about 17, so it's quite frustrating to still be trying to work it out at this age, especially when I've always thought I was romantic and now I'm having to do a complete "volte face"! I don't think, at this age, that it's a case of "you haven't met the right girl yet." I did meet a wonderful young woman, I found her interesting, amusing, fun to be around - but I didn't find myself capable of caring enough about our romantic relationship to sustain it.

I feel selfish, and cold, and empty. I feel like there's no hope of me ever having the life I so dearly want, because something inside of me is stopping me having any romantic, loving feelings towards anyone. Does anyone else ever feel like this, and do I seem like I might be at least somewhat aromantic? I feel quite alone in this.

[Azure.Providence]

You do sound quite hard on yourself. Just because you are not addicted to someone doesn't mean you are cold-hearted. You can love people without being "in love" with them.

A platonic relationship sounds quite lovely and I know I am not the only one who thinks that.

[Astryda]

You certainly aren't the only one who would rather have (only) a platonic partner. Some AVENites do already have such relationships. There's also a thread: The Aromantic thread (in which a subject of relationships popped up a few times), you might like to take a look at. This one also: Ideal aromantic relationship.

Don't get too worked up over label- searching. Those are just words and your feelings are way more important.

[knine]

Sitting down and thinking about it, I guess my ideal future relationship would be simply to have a very close friend, who I lived with. We'd both have someone to come home to after work, someone to cook for, someone to travel and do stuff with, whether it's heading out for a fun roadtrip, laughing at rubbish TV, playing games together. But really, more like a very good mate, like a platonic relationship. Does anyone else ever have this sort of desire?

*raises hand* Yup.

[Cakey]

Sitting down and thinking about it, I guess my ideal future relationship would be simply to have a very close friend, who I lived with. We'd both have someone to come home to after work, someone to cook for, someone to travel and do stuff with, whether it's heading out for a fun roadtrip, laughing at rubbish TV, playing games together. But really, more like a very good mate, like a platonic relationship. Does anyone else ever have this sort of desire?

Yes, I do agree with this, though I would be perfectly happy with a group of us in a house. I have had friends like this, I have one friend who is married, but we both agreed, if anything happened to their partner, we would get together as friends, forever... (Their partner laughed at hearing this, and said they'd be with me if it was the other way around.)

I also think you can have a deeper, more emotionally understanding and psychologically stronger relationship, because you both are free of those primeval pressures. So you have more time and space to explore the honest, caring and more mysteriously-deeper sides of each other.... Through an interchanges of thoughts, laugher, experiences and co-habiting aspirations, all of which are bound together by your comparable backgrounds.... :)

[Em_BR_Ace]

The aforementioned aromantic thread has a faq by Maven, which contains the magical sentence (at least for me):

"There are aromantics are in relationships with another person or persons but do not feel romantic attraction to them."

You're not alone on this. Its just a matter of having closer friends that don't "get it wrong". I loved people and could harm myself to help them - that doesn't mean I want to live with them, marry them, etc. them. In fact, I just like to spend a couple hours/days together, going into a roadtrip, etc.

Key is to respect your friend(s) limits. I let them take the innitiative and set the limit: if they hold my hand, kiss my cheek, embrace me, only do such things alone with me, I just reciprocate (some friends like some things and dislike other things).

I never do more than that, since beyond the "holding hands" are the sexual acts/affairs/etc and things seems to start to get real confusing, at least for romantic sexuals.

[Oswald]

I could live with any number of people provided I cared about them enough, or I could live by myself without any problem, but I would like to have at least one very close platonic friend I could rely on if I were ever in trouble (and vice versa). There's nothing weird at all about wanting that kind of one-on-one platonic relationship though, and you're certainly not selfish, cold, or empty for it. Don't sweat it. :)

[T2Logan]

I have certainly felt (and still do) the ways you have described. You're definitely not alone! I don't feel any of the things you're "supposed to feel" and so many others describe. I used to think I wanted romantic things until I realized my version of "romance" is nothing like most people so I think I am on the aromantic side as well. I have also felt (but never shared with anyone) that I am cold and uncaring in a relationship due to these thoughts and feelings so I am glad to see I am not the only one!

[Janus the Fox]

I have never felt the need for relationships, I don't really feel anything for anyone. Yet feel capable of relationships whoever the guy or girl could be. I am my own company so to speak.

[T2Logan]

I have never felt the need for relationships, I don't really feel anything for anyone. Yet feel capable of relationships whoever the guy or girl could be. I am my own company so to speak.

For me it's like "what more do I need than my art, music, and most importantly, nature. :D A friend relationship would be nice, but not one that is too overwhelming and only 1-2 at that is fine with me.

[Wycked]

As others have said here before me, you're not alone in this, there are others like you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Also:

Sitting down and thinking about it, I guess my ideal future relationship would be simply to have a very close friend, who I lived with. We'd both have someone to come home to after work, someone to cook for, someone to travel and do stuff with, whether it's heading out for a fun roadtrip, laughing at rubbish TV, playing games together. But really, more like a very good mate than a girlfriend, like a platonic relationship. Does anyone else ever have this sort of desire?

^ That sounds exactly how I would describe myself and my "desire" for a relationship - that would be the ideal for me.

I'm soon 24 myself and until quite recently I've also seen myself as romantic, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I haven't really felt romantic feelings for anyone, ever, and it seems like a strong friendship is the only kind of relationship I am capable of having without letting the other person down because I can't respond to anything romantic. I also don't feel the "butterflies" or "fireworks" either, and the last time I even had anything that could be described as a real crush on anyone was about ten years ago.

So nope. You're definitely not alone in this.

[Pacheco]

I have a very similar problem... I mean I consider myself an heteromantic, but I don´t know if I´m really romantic or just hoping that I would be. I´ve had a partner once and we even did had sex, it was fine, but it wasn´t great or whatever... and sometimes I feel that I can´t really be romantic with anyone, but I do crave for wanting it, maybe just to feel normal? I don´t know... it´s really fucked up sometimes being ace and even though I´ve accept myself, sometimes I hate it anyway.