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The Good Partner Thread

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Jewel Bright
6 hours ago, Longmarriage said:

You are so worth it. 

Thank you.

Its so hard to work through all the specifics of the negotiations (especially w/i a long committed mixed -orientation marriage).  My husband of 14 years and I are just getting into the nitty gritty of physical specifics after years of frustrations. I know that no sex at all is not in the cards for our marriage, but I am hoping to find some middle ground in other areas and be able to reclaim the beauty and friendship of our pre-sex relationship.

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Jewel Bright
3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

In glad you've found a way of making it work, but for many of us, just there's more to a car than its engine but a missing engine will always matter, the absence of sex will always matter. 

 

Implying that someone who isn't willing to give up sex is somehow not worthwhile really isn't helpful. I certainly haven't found intimacy more caring and natural without it - quite the reverse. 

 

I'm sure it helps that your husband is willing to engage in other forms of physical contact. Many aces aren't, even when there's no sexual intent - it's more like they don't want to be touched, and sex involves touch, rather than wanting to be touched but not sexually. 

this is a really aggressive reply to a post that wasn't written to you. It was written to aces who feel that they aren't worthy of any kind of love, who feel hopeless that there is no other kind of relationship. The whole world thinks the way you do, that is not new news. 

I'm not saying that plenty of people, even the majority of people don't agree with you. This is just the place I hope to hear the repressed and silenced voices. 

 

I hear loud and clear that I am not like "everyone else" I really don't need to be reminded.

It is a breath of life and hope when I hear, "you are worth it. It's gonna be ok" 

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Telecaster68

It really isn't aggressive, and it's in the allies section.  

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
54 minutes ago, Jewel Bright said:

this is a really aggressive reply to a post that wasn't written to you. It was written to aces who feel that they aren't worthy of any kind of love, who feel hopeless that there is no other kind of relationship. The whole world thinks the way you do, that is not new news. 

I'm not saying that plenty of people, even the majority of people don't agree with you. This is just the place I hope to hear the repressed and silenced voices. 

 

I hear loud and clear that I am not like "everyone else" I really don't need to be reminded.

It is a breath of life and hope when I hear, "you are worth it. It's gonna be ok" 

While I didn't read his response as aggressive, Tele actually had a valid point - the poster he was responding to was claiming that any worthwhile partner will happily give up sex and the relationship will still be deeply intimate and satisfying which just is not accurate for many of the sexual members on this subforum. There are many sexual partners here who, while they have given up sex for their asexual partner, actually suffer a lot because of that and it makes their relationship much less intimate and enjoyable for them. It's not a decision that can be made lightly or happily for most sexual people and most do feel that something vital is missing from the relationship without sex, even though they do give it up for the sake of their partner. Posts that make out like 'sex really isn't important if you truly love the person' are actually quite cruel, even if it's true for that specific sexual person making the statement.

 

Here's one of the offending quotes from that post:

 

Quote

ACEs, Someone worthwhile will just deal with this. Yes, they might masturbate frantically when you're not there, there might be a few tears that they're missing out on sharing a favourite passtine with you and having to go it alone, but they will find a way and love you in the way that only truly intimate couples can love each other.

How do you think both sexuals and asexuals here would react if someone said

 

'TO SEXUAL PARTNERS, an asexual worth being with will have sex with you!! yes they might suffer and cry sometimes, but if they truly love you then they'll be able to share that deep sexual intimacy with you no matter what the cost to them because that's the way that only truly intimate couples love each other'

 

..I mean, a lot of people would be upset by that. Someone who said something like that would actually probably be looking at official action being taken against them. Yet it's just as hurtful (just not so rapey) from the other side of the fence.

 

You of course have your right to your opinion, but so does Tele (and so do I) and that comment was made in the Sexual Partners forum so of course some sexual partners would take issue with a statement like that. I would have pointed it out if I'd seen it before Tele did. It's great that it made you feel good and gave you hope etc, but some of the statements made could indeed make some people feel quite uncomfortable and they have just as much right to express their discomfort as anyone else has to express their opinions and thoughts here.

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GLRDT
11 hours ago, Longmarriage said:

I am a sexual with a husband who has stopped wanting sex at all. We had a few years of lots of sex in which he was a very willing participant and instigator, a few years of less sex, and a few years of no sex at all. He doesn't strictly fall into the ACE spectrum, but i wanted to share with those of you who are ACE that, even to a sexual, sex isn't everything. Ok, maybe it's me - i don't do it for him any more. Maybe it's his health. It doesn't matter. Do i leave him, as many middle aged women do, in pursuit of someone who is going to ravish me? Not on your nelly mate.  After a couple of years of worrying about this, begging, crying and ordering viagra (which he was not interested in trying, it was clearly his desire and not his equipment) , i started to look at things in a different way.

 

It comes down to this - i love him more than i love sex.

 

But how do you be intimate with someone who has no sexual feeling? And seriously, he really doesn't.

 

Sex isn't the only way to be intimate. Once we got over him thinking i was trying to jump his bones all the time, and i got over trying to do that, we got on to massaging, snuggling a lot more when we watch TV, and some serious naked, non-sexual cuddling. A "belly hug" as we call it. This involves a naked belly, but nothing else has to be naked. We press our bellies together and hold each other. Sometimes we're naked as we both sleep nude, but this is incidental and not a key component.

 

We sleep snuggled next to each other after a lovely non-sexual goodnight cuddle. Sometimes we sit with bare legs pressed against each other, we hold hands, we hug. I lie on his chest and fall asleep. Sometimes we fall asleep in a spoon position, but it's not sexual. Sometimes i get turned on, but i just enjoy the feeling without acting on it or passing comment. I don't do anything to encourage it and i wait for it to pass. In the same way as babies love skin contact, so do adults. It's hugely bonding. It's also become very rewarding for me as he's clearly very comfortable with this. We no longer kiss in the sexual sense, but we do still give a closed mouth kiss on the lips when we greet and oart, and for the hell of it, because that is also quite intimate without being sexual. We touch our foreheads together (try it, it's lovely) and rub noses. We bathe together and wash each other (with no touching of bits). 

 

And because we no longer have sex, each of us tries harder to show the other how loved we are. Small gestures, little notes, a text in the middle of the day. We say "i love you" a lot. We can't wait to get home to the safety of each other after a long day at work. He's the first person i want to share my gossip with. We've got each other's backs. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts. We nurse each other in illness and, when push comes to shove and old age gets nasty, i know we will wipe each other's arses without embarassment. Luckily, we're a long way from that. 

 

All of these things are so much more intimate than sex which, let's face it, any idiot can do with a complete stranger without it feeling intimate at all.

 

So ACES, and sexuals who have fallen for ACES  if you're reading, know this:

 

There is more to life and love than sex. There is more to intimacy than sex. Take sex out of the equation and intimacy becomes more natural, more caring.

 

ACEs, Someone worthwhile will just deal with this. Yes, they might masturbate frantically when you're not there, there might be a few tears that they're missing out on sharing a favourite passtine with you and having to go it alone, but they will find a way and love you in the way that only truly intimate couples can love each other.

 

You are so worth it. 

This was so touching and encouraging and thank you for sharing. You are both lucky to have each other.

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daveb
8 minutes ago, GLRDT said:

This was so touching and encouraging and thank you for sharing. You are both lucky to have each other.

Yes. Sounds very nice. Softly touching foreheads together can be divine and intimate (and also reminds me of how cats will touch heads with someone they care about). :) 

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Jewel Bright
23 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It really isn't aggressive, and it's in the allies section. 

 

22 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Posts that make out like 'sex really isn't important if you truly love the person' are actually quite cruel, even if it's true for that specific sexual person making the statement.

I think you are both right. I'm not usually so quick to react. (I think I was also reacting to the fact that it was the user's very first post.) 

Sorry for the overreaction ya'll.

 

 

 

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citradelic

my Wife is awesome!  

 she looks after me, she loves me, she makes sure  I am fed and does her best to show her love in her own ways.

 She shows me so  much love everyday. 

 

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duckyfeets1

Today I got home incredibly late by accident from work. Talking like a 12 hour day late, and I walked in with this awful migraine. My boyfriend, who recently came out as ace, immediately forced me to sit down instead of making dinner, and ran his fingers through my hair the way that helps my migraines while telling me about the Christmas Tree date he planned for us on Saturday. Also, he’s going to order us some really expensive smoked bacon that we saw on Netflix, because he knows I like bacon. 

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Chimeric

My partner is the best thing that's happened to me.

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Tarfeather

*me feeling down*

Her- Is there anything at all I can do to make you feel better?

Me- >_> ... :|

Her- Certain things are excluded!!

Me- :(

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IronHamster

Just out of curiosity, how many sexual people on this thread are still sex free and married to their asexual spouses and gleefully happy enough about it? 

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Chimeric

@IronHamster Which are you looking for- "gleeful" or "happy enough?" 

All relationships have their ups and their downs and their hurdles to jump. One needn't be endlessly gleeful to measure a relationship a success; "happy enough" is perfectly sufficient.

 

I'm sorry your circumstances didn't work out - but I can't say I'm entirely surprised.

 

I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'd like to assume that hiding behind the cold assessment of your marriage as a "supply and demand" contract, and justifying your extramarital sex as "outsourcing," is meant to protect you from the very real emotional implications involved with betraying your wife and the mother of your children - whether you decided it was "warranted" or not. Likewise, I'd like to assume your posturing as your wife's hero - freeing her from her sexual "duties" while still financing her livelihood - is an attempt to distract yourself from the fact that you failed as her husband in regards other than sex and money. I'd like to go along with the idea that this post is meant to actually seek support, and not to undermine mixed a/sexual relationships. There aren't many of us (there couldn't be; it's an intersection within a small community, as it is), but we do exist - and those of us who persist, do so because we receive things from the relationship that we have not gotten elsewhere; the compromise is well worth it. 

 

I'd like to do these things, but even as someone who doesn't identify as asexual, I have found your approach to relationships in general to be chilling. I suspect you will need to find a very particular type of person - your wife may not have been that type of person even if she did have sex with you more frequently than she did (and let's not be deceitful, here; by your own words, your marriage wasn't "sex free").

 

Good luck with your future endeavors.

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IronHamster

@Chimeric, obviously you miss the point of who betrayed who.  I was loyal to every vow for two decades.  My wife never was.  The inaction of promises is on her.  In the end, I am willing to call it "irreconcilable differences," even though it is irrelevant what I call it in a no fault divorce.  

 

My future endeavors have my blessing.  I have no remorse for my relationship with @Idgaf96.  I do not need anyone else's.  All the same, thank you for yours.  

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Chimeric
12 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

@Chimeric, obviously you miss the point of who betrayed who.  I was loyal to every vow for two decades.  My wife never was.

I have not missed the point. Your wife did her best to deliver the "supplies" for which you entered an agreement with her. You describe the sex as infrequent and of poor quality, which makes all of the sense for someone who is doing their best to compromise their body for the man she loves - and in return, you write off all of her attempts as "never," chalk it up to betrayal, and use it as an excuse to justify an affair.

 

But, this point has been brought up more than once. It's clear you came on to these forums with an axe to grind, and you've been blind to any perspective that doesn't support your own.

 

I'm glad that the divorce is happening, though I'm sorry it came to it (divorce is never easy); the two of you were clearly incompatible, this is the best solution for you both, in my opinion.

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IronHamster

Clearly incompatible.   Some honesty in the matter would have been good.  Some understanding would have been helpful.  

 

If there was something she needed that I could not provide, I would have been happy to help her get it elsewhere.  That is what a loving spouse does.  

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James121
On 09/03/2012 at 10:14 PM, Elo said:

Good job Mr LG. So cute, you had your personal DJ playing your favourites.

And I agree, Keep posting the good everyone!

I’ve played DJ for my wife too previously. She loved it!

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anamikanon

There is no problem my ace and I can't talk through. We talk a lot. About anything, everything. Are together 24/7 and very happy about it. He goes out of his way to pamper me. Almost never refuses me anything and has gone through considerable effort to learn how to be a fabulous sexual partner, because he knows I enjoy sex and he wants to share something intimate that matters me, even though left to himself, he'd never choose sex. He loves my son as his own and they have a very close bond and he not just shares child care, he does more than I do on the child care front. He has been there for me through some incredibly hard times.

 

He is super affectionate, brilliant cuddler. He holds me through the night every night he is home - we sleep like that only - all tangled.

 

Of the two of us, I am the more temperamental. Highly creative, volatile emotions, very blunt, completely averse to the social roles assigned to "women" ever since I quit the last marriage to the point of being socially androgynous. I can be dazzling on acquaintance (very very diverse areas of knowledge, somewhat well known, very confident personality....) but I can be very hard to live with, because I can be very eccentric and worse, not care about what others think about it at all if I don't think it is their business. His peacemaker type attitude has been left holding the fallout of my temper. Not once has he wanted me to be anything but exactly how I am. He likes me as I am! Without exception. Even I can't claim that most days. I irritate myself with my eccentricities, but never him. Acceptance like I've never known before.

 

It is like no matter what I do, how I am, he accepts it. (I'm not evil or malicious or unkind and such, just eccentric and blunt and... not easy)

 

He has never once made me feel reduced to "woman's work". We share household chores. He is actually the nurturer between the two of us.

 

He has an irritating side too. Not like he's a paragon or anything, but his presence in my life enriches me soo profoundly that they are a very small part of the larger picture for the most part.

 

I am asocial. I don't prefer a partner being underfoot all the time. I prefer a "self-sustaining" partner who will feed, clothe, entertain himself if I'm busy without getting too demanding. Particularly if I'm deep into something I'm up to. We can live in the same home, work in the same room and never once have I felt like my space was encroached. Lots of cuddles happen, but he's fine leaving me completely alone without even so much as "do you want to have lunch now?" if I'm engrossed in something, he has a sixth sense for when to leave me alone. Astonishing because otherwise the cuddles flow through the day.

 

He is super smart. Talented in several areas. Volunteers on public causes he believes in. Improves anything he is added to.

 

There is just so much he does for me. So much he accepts me as I am. So much he understands me. So much he's readily giving about. I'm lucky.

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frednsa

Not sure this is a thread that applies to me. I am a good partner -five decades with an asexual and I think my sanity is probably almost exhausted.  Funny - one would think I would be immune to depression by now. I guess it compares to Chinese water torture. (my apologies to Asians…)  The saddest part is when i consider how many years I have lived with this and tolerated being pushed back at every turn .   Am I a sap?  You tell me.  I’m a successful man  and have delivered a very comfortable life to my wife and have offered love at every turn, physical and spiritual.  Only  To be pushed away constantly . I can’t remember eager sex on her part.....ever. Always only willing/obliging or reluctantly. Call me a pig I guess I should have just opted for celibacy.........HELP !

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Delusory

@anamikanon looks like you won a lottery :) How long have you been together, if you don't mind me asking?

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anamikanon
8 hours ago, Delusory said:

@anamikanon looks like you won a lottery :) How long have you been together, if you don't mind me asking?

We've been together almost 4 years now.

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MinervaRose

@anamikanon You two sound A LOT like me and my ace man, almost 4 years here too! :lol: 

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squaggly

What I love about being ace is that if I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm going to love that person for who they are, not what they are. If I can find someone who does the same, we could be a wonderful couple. (problem is at 16 and have a long way to go until sex is less important for everybody)

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squaggly
On ‎27‎.‎02‎.‎2018 at 12:19 PM, frednsa said:

Not sure this is a thread that applies to me. I am a good partner -five decades with an asexual and I think my sanity is probably almost exhausted.  Funny - one would think I would be immune to depression by now. I guess it compares to Chinese water torture. (my apologies to Asians…)  The saddest part is when i consider how many years I have lived with this and tolerated being pushed back at every turn .   Am I a sap?  You tell me.  I’m a successful man  and have delivered a very comfortable life to my wife and have offered love at every turn, physical and spiritual.  Only  To be pushed away constantly . I can’t remember eager sex on her part.....ever. Always only willing/obliging or reluctantly. Call me a pig I guess I should have just opted for celibacy.........HELP !

The love she wants is most likely platonic in nature. If she's ace, which I'm assuming she is, sex is not an enjoyable part of her life. She would rather do the sort of things you would do with your friends, and she LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW. Expressing it is just hard, because the biggest way to do that in sexual relationships is sex. I know it's hard, and you probably won't understand, but enjoying your relationship without sex could be so great

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frednsa
On 2/28/2018 at 2:28 AM, anamikanon said:

We've been together almost 4 years now.

50+ yrs

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uhtred
On 2/27/2018 at 9:19 PM, frednsa said:

Not sure this is a thread that applies to me. I am a good partner -five decades with an asexual and I think my sanity is probably almost exhausted.  Funny - one would think I would be immune to depression by now. I guess it compares to Chinese water torture. (my apologies to Asians…)  The saddest part is when i consider how many years I have lived with this and tolerated being pushed back at every turn .   Am I a sap?  You tell me.  I’m a successful man  and have delivered a very comfortable life to my wife and have offered love at every turn, physical and spiritual.  Only  To be pushed away constantly . I can’t remember eager sex on her part.....ever. Always only willing/obliging or reluctantly. Call me a pig I guess I should have just opted for celibacy.........HELP !

Only 35 years for me but I can’t help resenting the loss of passion in my life. I’m someone who can’t separate love romance and sex. 

 

Its not her fault but that doesn’t make me less unhappy. If she were evil I could just leave- but I can’t abandon her for something that isn’t her fault. 

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irenerosa

I don't even know if I can list all of the positives about him. There are so many. He is the most gentle, thoughtful person and I'm grateful for every little thing he does. Something specific that he does is that he puts on a song that makes me happy and sings to me when I feel sad. He looks me in the eyes the whole time and holds my hand... It never fails. He's also so warm all the time. The second I get to be in his arms, I'm surrounded by warmth and his nice scent. Everything about him to me is comfort. It minimizes any hardship that comes with his asexuality and my hypersexuality.

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Chouko

My partner reads to me sometimes. Recently (and not so recently), some really bad shit went down with my family, and I was, admittedly, crying, and feeling overall hopeless to change the situation. I didn't tell my partner this, and we'd already agreed to do a chapter or two that night. So I calmed myself down before we started, but in general I was still just... weighed down.

Then they started reading to me, just a few chapters of The Last Unicorn, and it really, really helped. Their voice is so soothing. It didn't fix my problems, I still had them the following day, but for that night I allowed myself to appreciate how amazing they are as an overall aspect of my life. And I feel asleep not even an hour after we finished, and for a chronic insomniac, that's pretty darn good.

 

TL:DR My partner is amazing and damn am I lucky.

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Groodle

I love my girlfriend and feel so blessed every day that I have her in my life. I joined this forum to learn more about her world and understand things from her point of view more. I’m super allosexual, and she’s the ace of hearts -  sure I like sex, but I love her more.

 

I used to hate the idea of love, I thought it was a lie that people used, just to get what they wanted from me. I unwillingly lost my virginity when I was a kid, and continued to be raped throughout my teenage years. I became very accustomed to men taking my body, whether I wanted it or not, and in my adult years became very promiscuous, using sex to reclaim my own power and control over situations. I became very emotionally detached and afraid to trust others or let them past my walls to see the real me. I became that girl who ran off in the morning after one night stands, and never called.

 

Everything was different with her. She showed me what love really was, even though she was discovering it herself for the first time too. She was funny and 

charming and sweet, so patient too. She’d hold me at night when I’d have nightmares and flashbacks, and would tell me I was a good person even though I didn’t believe it myself. She’s very nerdy and introduced me to all her amazing fandoms and animes and different fantasy worlds that I could escape into with her. She would talk at length about all the things that interested her and I’d just take it all in, she was so fascinating and always had so much to say. She gave me hope and strength in a time where I had none.

 

The fact that this relationship doesn’t require sex is amazing. For the first time I feel safe with another person, like I know she would never hurt me or take my body before I’m ready (or at all). I also feel appreciated as a person, like when she loves me it’s not about her winning me over so she can have sex with me - I know that she just loves me for me, and that I’m enough for her. I don’t ever feel objectified, or used. Because of this I feel safe enough to connect emotionally, let my walls down, and let her see the real me. Because for the first time ever, I feel like if I let this person in, they won’t destroy me.

 

If ever she wanted to try what sex or sexual acts feel like then I’m down for it, and if she never wants to try them then that fine too. Of course I’m sexually attracted to her (she’s beautiful) and would really love to make her feel good, but I would never push her for it. Because in the end all I want is her, as a person, in my life. We’re really clear and communicative about boundaries and limits, and never cross what’s been set.

 

I guess I want to share this because I’ve seen some posts where asexual people are saying they feel “hard to love”, or looking for someone who can “look past” their asexuality - I just want to say you are absolutely perfect the way you are. Please don’t change, or feel less than you are.

Also I want to say that there are allosexual people out there who will respect your wishes and won’t ever pressure you for sex. Yes, we want it, because it feels good to share such an intimate moment together and engage each others senses to create physical sensations of pleasure for the person you love, but we also know and respect that no means no. You can always say no and that’s more than ok. 

 

I knew nothing about asexuality till dating an asexual, and honestly it’s a new world for me and I don’t think I could go back. I have never been happier in a relationship. It is the most beautiful thing to love and to be loved in return, just for being you. And nothing else is expected of you, just love. Just being together.

She is so special and beautiful, and I feel like the world is a better place now that I’m dating her.

 

I didn’t think that person was out there for me and I was proven wrong. So I speak now to any ace who feels like they aren’t “enough” or “right” or any other incorrect assumption. You are more than enough. You are amazing. You aces have so much special and unique love to give, and you will find that someone who loves you back for exactly who you are (if that’s what you want, if you don’t then that’s ok too). 

Don’t change for anyone, you are absolutely perfect, just the way you are.

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