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The Good Partner Thread


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One thing I battle is my own insecurity & the issues that arise in me without the panacea of being desired sexually by my partner. A strategy I use to help me access the deep love he shows uniquely to me is to remember "love languages"

I want to quote the right author but I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol. He says that humans express and receive love & affection in a variety of different ways:

acts of service

words of affirmation

quality time

gift giving.   as well as 

physical touch & closeness

So in sexual & non sexual relationships alike we strive to learn to access & receive the love being offered to us in that person's own language

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ace_settler86
12 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

That tends to work to an extent, but in the end it comes down to only being offered cake when you really want bacon.

Bacon as in, pig's meat?

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I was at work yesterday and my coworkers were telling me about their marriages. One was saying how they got over alcoholism and cheating. Another how they got over anger issues and dealt with not liking him spanking the kids cause he got too rough cause he was angry. These women are happily married for 20+ years if you ask them. 

 

And Im just sitting there thinking about my wife. She gets annoyed and might snip a bit at me, but we dont really fight... she snips, I go quiet, she apologizes and then we cuddle and talk things out. And vice versa. I havent had to deal with cheating and I would be surprised if I ever do. She would never hit our "kids" (dogs for us, but even if we had human ones), how gentle she is with them is one of the reasons I wanted to marry her. 

 

So yeah. I consider myself very lucky to have a good spouse and not be able to join in with their tales of woe and hardship. 

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Not sure where to put this, and maybe I've been drinking tonight and I'm a bit sentimental, but I'm feeling so positive about my relationship right now.  Last week after Valentine's day, when my s/o put in clearly a lot of effort, I was laying in bed with him and telling him that I really appreciated all of his efforts and that I knew he was doing it for me because he doesn't reciprocate my feelings, and he responded with "I'm getting there." which is seriously the most positive thing towards our relationship he has ever said.  And then last night when we were hanging out and watching a movie, he rested his head on me.  Like, seriously, it's the littlest things I appreciate in my relationship right now.  I wish I could always appreciate gestures of affection like I do now.  Strange how things change your perspective when they're scarce.

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as for me, in the first place which is matter is a high confidence partner, who will keep your secrets and respect your choices

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa
On 2/9/2019 at 5:30 PM, Serran said:

I was at work yesterday and my coworkers were telling me about their marriages. One was saying how they got over alcoholism and cheating. Another how they got over anger issues and dealt with not liking him spanking the kids cause he got too rough cause he was angry. These women are happily married for 20+ years if you ask them. 

 

And Im just sitting there thinking about my wife. She gets annoyed and might snip a bit at me, but we dont really fight... she snips, I go quiet, she apologizes and then we cuddle and talk things out. And vice versa. I havent had to deal with cheating and I would be surprised if I ever do. She would never hit our "kids" (dogs for us, but even if we had human ones), how gentle she is with them is one of the reasons I wanted to marry her. 

 

So yeah. I consider myself very lucky to have a good spouse and not be able to join in with their tales of woe and hardship. 

That sounds like a good relationship.

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4 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

That sounds like a good relationship.

Is. :) Except for distance being part of it at the moment due to waiting on green card... only get to live together a few months a year. :(

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  • 2 months later...
shadowblind

My husband is incredibly thoughtful. He’ll always pick up something extra for me from the store as a surprise. Like ice cream that I love, or my favorite candies. He will always try to make me smile.

 

Yesterday we spent a few hours setting up a covers playlist for our car rides. And it was just wonderful, going back and forth with our songs, and giving kudos to each other for every addition to the list.

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We had an issue almost a year ago that damaged things and I have been working on repairing that. I'm so used to partners that don't want to talk, get angry when I say how things hurt, etc. But, my wife is working on opening up and trying to work with me on repairing things back to where they were. ❤️ 

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JacobinStarfish

I am asexual and my girlfriend is not. We have been together for a few months now and the fact that our relationship is "mixed" has never caused any kind of issue. In fact, she is the most supportive person of me accepting and being open and honest about my asexuality (although she would never push me to be open about it if I was uncomfortable for any reason). She makes sure that I never feel any pressure to do something I don't want to do. If I ever hear anything aphobic (I believe that's the correct term?) she is always there to reassure me that I'm valid and that she loves me for who I am.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Got my boyfriend to go to pride with me.  I feel like he's starting to feel like he belongs there with us and that he is 100% okay being who he is.  It makes me so happy.

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anisotrophic

Saw this on Twitter and shared with him. 


We had a bad fight but it wasn't related to sex. (...it was about chores. 😖)

His asexuality is a-okay. :)

Travel alternative: Eat cake!  :cake: 😋

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  • 1 year later...

Just want to say hi, I haven’t been around much for some time now. My husband is amazing…we celebrated 35 years together in May this year. ♥️

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On 7/22/2021 at 4:50 AM, Lady Girl said:

Just want to say hi, I haven’t been around much for some time now. My husband is amazing…we celebrated 35 years together in May this year. ♥️

Strange thing - over breakfast, I suddenly realised I didn't know what happened to you ❤️ 

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 9/7/2021 at 7:41 AM, Tanwen said:

Strange thing - over breakfast, I suddenly realised I didn't know what happened to you ❤️ 

I just drifted away I guess. I’m glad to see you’re still moderating! ❤️

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  • 3 weeks later...

Mr Quiet has been working from home and makes my coffee for me almost every afternoon (he's dayshift, I'm nightshift). Often if he's up in the morning, he will empty my lunchbox and wash dishes. It seems like little things, bit I know that acts of service are his way of saying 'I love you're and it makes me feel care for. Also, since discovering a word for how he feels (asexual) and how it differs for me (sexual) we have been having some AMAZINGLY intimate conversations!  (Yes, I am also a sapiosexual person.) I thought broaching the subject of me wanting sex was going to cause problems, but it's actually been fun, very awkward (I blushed so much my ears hurt), and intriguing. A bit scary, though.

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I know this is a difficult time for my wife (Still learning what it means for me to be ace) but she's been showing me affection and it makes me feel like things are going to work out.

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Some kind person directed me to this thread. Thank you.

 

It's been mainly joyful reading. It's heartening.

 

Always good to count the haves rather than the have nots. 

 

I saw an amazing interview with a young prominent athlete who was accidentally shot and lost the use of his legs. Asked about it he said if he just kept asking why he'd ultimately reach to the bigger question why was I born? This is totally off topic, but it's a little explanation about why I wanted to take part in this thread.

 

Enough. I'll try and list just 3 things. It's been an exercise trying to decide. Here goes:

 

The biggest quality is that he allows me to be what I am.

 

He's extremely witty.

 

His tone of voice is very soothing like a blanket that wraps round you on a cold wintery night.

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

Enough. I'll try and list just 3 things. It's been an exercise trying to decide. Here goes:

My 3!

 

1. She loves our family,  treats my family as her own, and would do anything possible for our kids including daughter in law (she is ours now too) and recent 1st grandkid.

 

2. Very smart, and uses that to help others.

 

3. Likes to try new things including playing at least 6 different organized sports together over 30+ years.

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intheshadowoferos

My 3 things:

1. he would still be my best friend that I would take as a plus 1 anywhere I go.

 

2. He is willing to help any one, anywhere, do anything. I am too, and I appreciate that in him.

 

3. He is braver than me, and I feel safe with him.

 

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  • 3 months later...
JustAMetalDrummer

Great thread :)

I tend to get... very moody from time to time. About all sorts of things. And my partner is just always there for me to listen to me and to console me. She's able to lighten my mood every time, and i love her so so much for it.

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Crimsonbird

Hi all,

This seems like a good place for a first post because honestly I’m scared. My partner is ace and I’m not. I’m not sure how to make it work but I’m trying to learn. She’s been with me for thirteen years now, and I can’t imagine life without her. She always puts my favourite snacks at the front of the cupboard because she knows I won’t go to the back. She asks me to go on walks even though I know she doesn’t like being outside. She picks songs I like when we drive and sings along with me even if it gets goofy. She always checks restaurant menus for vegetarian options before we go even though she herself isn’t one. She’s my best friend.

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Kabuterimon

This is a good topic and I hope many of you could relate to my experience. 

 

 

I love my partner, she is the first person I can really *feel* I relate in a profound and mysterious way. I love how she is so excited when I try a new recipe, or when we do talk silly over text and phone. How one of my most expected moments is to meet her when she gets home and how she tries to guess the thoughts of our dog. It is a really wonderful life I got and I cherish those moments. I felt one of the most special people on the world when she organized my entire 30yo birthday. Ot had everything I liked. 

 

Sex is something I like and desire but when I think of it, sex would be at most 3h per week, and its a lot bearable if the other hours are so fullfilling as they are. 

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My husband and I have been married for 4 years and finally put together this week that he's grey sexual. It's actually brought us a lot of peace because we understand each other better now. We're learning to communicate more about what sex means to me, what intimacy means to him, etc. 

 

I've been reading through so many threads in this forum and it's been so incredibly enlightening. I'm really grateful for everyone that's been so vulnerable and shared their stories.

 

My husband is so many good things. My favorite is that he changes and grows. When we first started dating, it was hard for us to talk about our feelings or feel like we could trust each other. We knew we had a connection though, just not the communication skills, and started going to therapy before we got engaged. He was the first guy I ever dated that didn't stigmatize therapy or emotions and actually embraced what we learned with an open heart. We've come such a long way and his willingness to be patient with me as I work on my stuff, and his dedication to working on his stuff has made all the difference.

 

We definitely have a long path ahead of us and it's not going to be easy, but there's no one else I'd want to figure this out with.

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TheUnseenOnes

I guess my addition is more general than the handful I read on the first page. (I'm headed back for more once i'm not moved to post anymore).

 

My life has been complicated by chronic trauma and I struggle with severe mental illness. My partner understood this long before we were even dating. (Our ability to communicate is what started it all, love at first conversation if you will.) She still sticks by me. Despite her own life struggles, she spends the time and energy to make sure she always has my back. I know one million percent that she is reliable, she is good, she is safe.

 

Maybe that sounds silly and not that meaningful, but it truly is, for me. The challenges I face due to the life I've experienced do not make me an easy person to be close to. She chooses to sacrifice for me. In a world that constantly feels like imminent death, she gives me a place of peace to rest a while. A rare thing. She is kind, loving, patient, long suffering... I think you get where I'm going here. She is amazing, and it is an honor to be loved by her.

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  • 6 months later...
Olallieberry
On 3/9/2012 at 6:01 AM, Lady Girl said:

I'm primarily starting this thread for all the sexuals to post the positives about our particular asexual partner.

Let's not rule out our ace partners doing the same!

 

Or is there another thread for that already?

 

Just thinking that that would also be great material "for" us SPFA's.

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Olallieberry

My wife of 16 years:

 

Smarter than me and much more educated, and appreciates my own smarts and unschooled leaerning. And harder working than me, but delegates reasonably and fairly. Loves my sense of humor! And I love to hear her laugh. Trusts my judgement, and seeks it often - and I trust her emotional maturity and feel the confidence in it which I need in order to test it often... 

 

She's unperturbable, yet vulnerable. She prioritizes self-care and will ask for support and accommodation, but doesn't dump her strictly personal needs onto others to try to meet. Interpersonally? She's shy but engaging, sensitive and warm. The older she gets, the less shit she takes. She's close with her family and largely maintains our ties with my own, who are far away. We give each other space, take space for ourselves, and don't annoy each other with clinging, yet are closer to each other than either of us has been to anyone else ever. She's completely unafraid to be open with me, and completely open to hearing anything I reveal.

 

We've watched hundreds of episodes of Star Trek together. The urban-fantasy section of her fiction library is *chefkiss*. She goes to jazz concerts with me any time we can. We love the outdoors and have hiked many, many miles together. Her ecological science knowledge interests me greatly, and my questions ensure she won't forget it now that she's no longer doing conservation sciencey work. Her commitment to her values is inspirational, and so is her clarity about what they are.

 

She always compliments my cooking. I always thank her for her financial chores. She told me to go back to school, which I didn't even think I could do. She told me to not work, when I didn't think I had that option. She bought us a house twice, and all I had to do was sign a lot of papers. She let me have the biggest room so I can use the floor space to do qigong* in private.

 

We have certain wildly mis-matched yet deliciously complimentary qualities. She appreciates my spontaneity, I appreciate her planning skills.  I like that she's predictable and steady. She likes that I improvise and can adapt easily.

 

Despite asexuality (her identification) and probably borderline aromanticism (my words, not hers - we've never talked about it), she's hungry for me and shows it - sometimes. She gave me a child, something I never thought would be possible for me and didn't expect at all when we married. Changing her mind about planned childlessness was brave on her part, and yielded priceless treasures for all of us.

 

She's resilient, mature, generous, sweet, almost excessively kind, reasonable, forgiving, hard-working, alluring, my type, so brainy, positive, just, and committed to improving the human condition and empowering others to dare to do likewise.

 

I'm going to kick myself later for all the things I'm leaving out, but hundreds of words in, I have to go keep up on schoolwork.

 

* If you have no idea what qigong (气功, chi kung, 氣功) is, I guess you could imagine what if tai chi and yoga had a baby, and it would be sort of close enough to have a faint idea.

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