Sally Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 And then the "compensation" idea is also weird as it's like a transaction, as was pointed out on a different thread. I think all relationships involve transactions -- how we behave together is through transactions. That can mean something as important as a compromise on sex, or as relatively minor as one person fixing cars and another person cooking meals. Transactions are where we meet in the middle, between us, when we don't both want an identical thing. The latter's pretty rare, so it's all a transactional compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 I respect supporting those who want to split up over all of this, but I also want to be able to talk about the hard times without being told that we should have broken up long ago. It makes me feel like I'm weak or something for deciding to stay. I wouldn't stay if I didn't want to. And that's the same for my ace partner. We are staying together for reasons that extend well beyond the mis-match of our sexual orientations. (And both my partner and I are open to breaking up, we just don't seem to want to! It can be very complicated.) Very much this ^^. I love AVEN because I can actually talk about this stuff... I remember once telling someone that the best thing about AVEN is that I can vent frustrations without being told to break up. That's why I stopped talking to my friends about it... all they ever said was that I was stupid for staying, and it made their respect for me drop because I'm in a relationship they don't seem to value. I appreciate the support from you guys! Link to post Share on other sites
sexualwithasexual Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 And then the "compensation" idea is also weird as it's like a transaction, as was pointed out on a different thread. I think all relationships involve transactions -- how we behave together is through transactions. That can mean something as important as a compromise on sex, or as relatively minor as one person fixing cars and another person cooking meals. Transactions are where we meet in the middle, between us, when we don't both want an identical thing. The latter's pretty rare, so it's all a transactional compromise. I honestly don't see my relationship working like that. It is an agreement, and we do have conversations about things when things seem to go a little unbalanced, but I see transactions and compensations as different from what we're doing. It's more like an intentional community I guess. We go into it, as much as possible, not assuming it will always feel even steven. We take turns doing most tasks, and I don't think of it as a transaction, at least not in a business sense. You could call it a transaction, but I don't. I like to think of it a an agreement and a choice to live together because we want to share love and responsibilities. Not to exchange them. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 Not only would it not be fulfilling, it just would not be something I'd do. To me it would feel like going to a prostitute. Again, all of our partners are different. If it felt like going to a prostitute, I wouldn't like to do it either. My partner does enjoy the sex we have. If we had it more often I don't think she would, which is why we don't have it more often. I think there's some confusion about what a compromise is... as far as I know, no one who "compromises" (and I'm including the asexuals on here like WTF and Bookcase) does it against their will or without enjoyment. That wouldn't be a compromise, that would be... I don't know what that would be. Awful. In other words, it's not like you and Henry feel differently than, say, Lady Girl and I. It's just that we have different circumstances. We can compromise because our partners do genuinely enjoy sex under certain conditions. Yours don't. When we do have sex, it's different than when (if) you guys had sex. If my sex life was like yours I'd feel the same way you do, I'm sure. Very much this. It concerns me the way you talk about relationships. Between "the minimum an asexual partner can do" and all the talk about "fairness", it seems you think relationships are like a business contract. They're not. They're just two people living their lives together. You seem to think she's obligated to do things for you even if she doesn't want to, based on this contract called a relationship... and I disagree. Your wife isn't obligated to have sex with you. She should certainly be aware that not having sex is an issue, but that doesn't mean she has to do it. A marriage isn't a job.... there isn't a job description and a list of duties that you are required to perform. You are just you, and if the other person decides they no longer like it, they are free to leave. Yes, some compromise is necessary to maintain a functional relationship (compromises about everything... who does the dishes, who takes the dog out, etc), but those compromises are mutually agreed upon to make things easier for both parties. A fortnight ago I was at a wedding where the homily was about the non-contractual nature of marriage. About how in a contract each party has entitlements to get their 50% or walk away, and how the bits in the marriage ceremony about "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" etc were about BOTH being in for 100% as required. The celebrant also talked about a study which showed couples who'd been together, happily, for decades had, on average, as many differences as couples who'd split due to "irreconcilable differences", they'd just found ways to reconcile them. I don't advocate self-sacrifice, or being a doormat, but I also don't advocate any form of scorekeeping in a relationship - there's got to be a middle path between those two extremes. As Midnight Lady said, I think scorekeeping is a red flag for the longevity of the relationship. Despite not being sexually desired, I feel incredibly lucky to have the relationshipo I do, and feel reinforced in that daily by the way my wife makes me feel loved. And I know she feels as lucky to have me, despite my horniness ;) As sexualwithassexual said, we feel we're sharing the good stuff, not exchanging it, and there's so much good stuff it even spills over into our sex life from time to time :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
sikovprtnding Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 "The AVEN FAQ's had advice for having a "talk" which I followed to the letter." I have been trying, unsuccefully I might add, to find the adivce of which you speak. Could you please link to the actual piece that gives you the advice on the talk. Much Appreciated! And I congratulate you on your wonderful story. I fear however that my husband (the sexual) will not be very open to any compromise. I feel that I need to discuss this with as many "notes" as possible because it will I fear be a battle. Link to post Share on other sites
PiF Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 I've enjoyed reading this thread as it reminds me that once through the phase of youth and long partnerships occur that the combination of both partners willing not only to sacrifice but also not see it as a sacrifice for the partner they clearly love. Observations of Aven have led me to see on a few occasions to see that the insistance that the sexual must be the one to compromise whilst the asexual must not. Any couple wether sexual, asexual or both will fail unless sacrifices are made and many of those will be outside of the sexual needs arena. Lady girls input was a brave step given some in aven are very anti sexual in here and the level of support within the thread makes me feel the ignorance within the boards of the sexual partners involvement hopefully will diminish. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 "The AVEN FAQ's had advice for having a "talk" which I followed to the letter." I have been trying, unsuccefully I might add, to find the adivce of which you speak. Could you please link to the actual piece that gives you the advice on the talk. Much Appreciated! And I congratulate you on your wonderful story. I fear however that my husband (the sexual) will not be very open to any compromise. I feel that I need to discuss this with as many "notes" as possible because it will I fear be a battle. If you go back to the front page of AVEN, there are some headings across the top and next to Home is About Asexuality, in that heading are four categories...the last one in there is Relationship FAQ and that is where I found help for me in my approach. I read the whole thing but there were key elements contained there that really guided me. After I gave him my version of what I understood asexuality to be and mean, I pulled up the Overview category under the About Asexuality heading to show him what I was talking about and asked him if that seemed relevant to him and us. When he said that sounds right, I knew we were going to be together forever. I had no idea what was in store for us in what has now been our first year 'in the know' but with a lot of help from good people here on AVEN, I can honestly say I feel like I've grown as a person. And I'd bet he thinks I have too. I've enjoyed reading this thread as it reminds me that once through the phase of youth and long partnerships occur that the combination of both partners willing not only to sacrifice but also not see it as a sacrifice for the partner they clearly love. This is very much how we feel about being together and living with a sexual compromise that works for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrsit Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 No lack of passion here, anyways... heh - hey wow I made a joke... I must be relaxing a little about the whole new concept I'm trying to wrap my head around. I see part of me in all of it. I'd like to hear others write their stories so well. I'd really like that a lot! Thanks for sharing yours, and for showing it to me. I very much identify with much of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Beachwalker Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 No lack of passion here, anyways... heh - hey wow I made a joke... I must be relaxing a little about the whole new concept I'm trying to wrap my head around. I see part of me in all of it. I'd like to hear others write their stories so well. I'd really like that a lot! Thanks for sharing yours, and for showing it to me. I very much identify with much of it!Welcome to Aven :)Lady Girl is awesome. @ladygirl can you pin this or add a link to it in your moderator girl thread? Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 No lack of passion here, anyways... heh - hey wow I made a joke... I must be relaxing a little about the whole new concept I'm trying to wrap my head around. I see part of me in all of it. I'd like to hear others write their stories so well. I'd really like that a lot! Thanks for sharing yours, and for showing it to me. I very much identify with much of it!Welcome to Aven :)Lady Girl is awesome. @ladygirl can you pin this or add a link to it in your moderator girl thread? I will link it! Thank you for the compliment and the suggestion Beachy...you are awesome too! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
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