The Attraction Vs. Desire Conflict

[Janus the Fox]

Anyone else conflicted between labels? The wikipedia states that an asexual is someone that has no psysical attractions OR sexual desire.

So far how my sexuality has developedis that I do fully experience physical attraction, if other descriptions are anything to go by, attractions are quite different between the two genders, which tells me I'm Bisexual, and potentialy romantic

The conflict is that desire, there is not any at all. If off-AVEN descriptions are anything to go by, I should be craving it, wanting it, having it and be depressed by not being able to get any, but I just don't see the point, don't see it necessary in my life and that includes any desire for romantic relationships, which tells my I'm Asexual and aromantic.

I'm not labeling as nothing fits this extreme conflict, anyone else have this extreme conflict?

[Faelights]

Umm... I know that some people have mentioned they identify as gray-asexual because they experience physical (specifically sexual) attraction, but don't feel the desire to engage in sexual activity. Is that what you mean?

If I understand you correctly, at least part of you wants to adopt the Wikipedia definition of asexuality, which is more broad, rather than use the AVEN definition of asexuality.

If I can offer some advice: choose one definition and stick with it. I would personally recommend the AVEN definition, because you engage regularly with the AVEN community, and every time you use the term "asexual" in this community, people will assume you mean the AVEN definition. If you really wanted, you could use the Wikipedia definition outside of AVEN (because remember, it's just a label used to aid communication), but then you might feel inconsistent with yourself and feel a different kind of conflict.

Of course, it's up to you which definition you would like to use. But I don't think there is really conflict at all, because the "gray-asexual" label is available.

[Janus the Fox]

Umm... I know that some people have mentioned they identify as gray-asexual because they experience physical (specifically sexual) attraction, but don't feel the desire to engage in sexual activity. Is that what you mean?

If I understand you correctly, at least part of you wants to adopt the Wikipedia definition of asexuality, which is more broad, rather than use the AVEN definition of asexuality.

If I can offer some advice: choose one definition and stick with it. I would personally recommend the AVEN definition, because you engage regularly with the AVEN community, and every time you use the term "asexual" in this community, people will assume you mean the AVEN definition. If you really wanted, you could use the Wikipedia definition outside of AVEN (because remember, it's just a label used to aid communication), but then you might feel inconsistent with yourself and feel a different kind of conflict.

Of course, it's up to you which definition you would like to use. But I don't think there is really conflict at all, because the "gray-asexual" label is available.

Still in question if these attractions are something sexual, but it is exactly what I ment.

I don't label myself, but when I use AVEN I use AVEN's description of course. The wikipedia version seems more um "fitting", which I would'nt use here. Real life is another story as there is a terrible labeling culture only realised when dropping the self-labels, I usually go by the bisexual label if anyone absolutly insists on knowing.

I think I should avoid using labels to describe who I am in the future.

[Vampyremage]

If I understand you correctly, at least part of you wants to adopt the Wikipedia definition of asexuality, which is more broad, rather than use the AVEN definition of asexuality.

If I can offer some advice: choose one definition and stick with it. I would personally recommend the AVEN definition, because you engage regularly with the AVEN community, and every time you use the term "asexual" in this community, people will assume you mean the AVEN definition. If you really wanted, you could use the Wikipedia definition outside of AVEN (because remember, it's just a label used to aid communication), but then you might feel inconsistent with yourself and feel a different kind of conflict.

There have been some recent discussions regarding what, exactly, is meant by sexual attraction right here on AVEN. Some (myself being among them) would argue that sexual attraction in and of itself does include some manner of desire. More specifically, that that if one experiences an internal motivations towards having sex with other people, that is an aspect of sexual attraction itself, rather than an entirely separate concept. Of course, I could just be complicating PerfectlyDarkTails situation, regarding what this thread is about, and if that's the case I do apologize.

[Sally]

There have been some recent discussions regarding what, exactly, is meant by sexual attraction right here on AVEN. Some (myself being among them) would argue that sexual attraction in and of itself does include some manner of desire. More specifically, that that if one experiences an internal motivations towards having sex with other people, that is an aspect of sexual attraction itself, rather than an entirely separate concept.

Well yes, if you feel sexual attraction, it would seem that it would pretty much mean that you felt desire.

But...you can feel desire/libido without feeling sexual attraction. A includes B; B doesn't include A.

[Janus the Fox]

If I understand you correctly, at least part of you wants to adopt the Wikipedia definition of asexuality, which is more broad, rather than use the AVEN definition of asexuality.

If I can offer some advice: choose one definition and stick with it. I would personally recommend the AVEN definition, because you engage regularly with the AVEN community, and every time you use the term "asexual" in this community, people will assume you mean the AVEN definition. If you really wanted, you could use the Wikipedia definition outside of AVEN (because remember, it's just a label used to aid communication), but then you might feel inconsistent with yourself and feel a different kind of conflict.

There have been some recent discussions regarding what, exactly, is meant by sexual attraction right here on AVEN. Some (myself being among them) would argue that sexual attraction in and of itself does include some manner of desire. More specifically, that that if one experiences an internal motivations towards having sex with other people, that is an aspect of sexual attraction itself, rather than an entirely separate concept. Of course, I could just be complicating PerfectlyDarkTails situation, regarding what this thread is about, and if that's the case I do apologize.

Thats the issue I'm finding, theres no sexual motivation at all to even be considered sexual or psysical attractions.

But I did experience sexual motivation or some form of hypersexuality for a short amount of time when curiosity got quite strong, at that time there were no attractions, just a fantasy and the inability to gain satisfaction from masturbation.

I'm even derailing my own thread here, but it is this constant shift in sexuality than cannot be labeled. It is this change that should be addressed with therapy as fluidity is not that volitile.

[Vanyel]

Maybe I understand what you mean when you say there's no sexual motivation with your sexual attractions...

When you look at someone who you find beautiful or ascetically pleasing, you feel attracted to them. You know they look good, and you want to be together with them. However, you don't actually want to consummate any sexual behavior because of that purely physical / sexual attraction. In other words, you want to be with them and get to know them because of their physical characteristics, but not indulge in sexual activity. Is that what you mean?

If that's the case, but you have no desire to have sex with them, I would guess (from my very little knowledge) "biromantic asexual" would be a fitting label.

I'm interested in what you have to say because I'm kind of in the same boat. I find some males physically attractive (though less and less as I get older, which is weird), but the idea of doing anything sexual turns me cold. So I decided to call myself a "heteroromantic asexual". I may be a gray to others, but since I have NO desire to have sex with someone else, I don't see how the physical attraction manifests itself in any other way than to tell me who I want to be romantic with.

[Janus the Fox]

When you look at someone who you find beautiful or ascetically pleasing, you feel attracted to them. You know they look good, and you want to be together with them. However, you don't actually want to consummate any sexual behavior because of that purely physical / sexual attraction. In other words, you want to be with them and get to know them because of their physical characteristics, but not indulge in sexual activity. Is that what you mean?

In essence I know that people look good, but I dont really want to be with them, but the thought of sex is OK with me. I just dont posess the inate sexual urge that would drive me into action

If that's the case, but you have no desire to have sex with them, I would guess (from my very little knowledge) "biromantic asexual" would be a fitting label.

It kind of does, but it kind of does not. I'm still figuring out of these attractions are romantic then perhaps, the attractions are different between men and women. Still there is no real want to be romantically involved.

I'm interested in what you have to say because I'm kind of in the same boat. I find some males physically attractive (though less and less as I get older, which is weird), but the idea of doing anything sexual turns me cold. So I decided to call myself a "heteroromantic asexual". I may be a gray to others, but since I have NO desire to have sex with someone else, I don't see how the physical attraction manifests itself in any other way than to tell me who I want to be romantic with.

Interesting, I find being considered Grey to others too complicted. Close family know me as asexual, friends will know me as bisexual, if I do have closer friends or potential relationships, I may give them the whole gray story, or will not tell them a thing depending how things go I suppose...

[Moggie]

Maybe I understand what you mean when you say there's no sexual motivation with your sexual attractions...

I'm interested in what you have to say because I'm kind of in the same boat. I find some males physically attractive (though less and less as I get older, which is weird), but the idea of doing anything sexual turns me cold. So I decided to call myself a "heteroromantic asexual". I may be a gray to others, but since I have NO desire to have sex with someone else, I don't see how the physical attraction manifests itself in any other way than to tell me who I want to be romantic with.

I also have NO desire to have sex with someone else...i've been identifying as Grey-A on AVEN because I wasn't sure I could say I was asexual or not and be being truthful due to my confusion over whether I experience sexual attraction or not, but the thread that vamp refered to above has been very helpful to me in possibly defining sexual attraction for me. But does Grey-A mean one has at least some desire to have sex? perhaps I should not be using it if it does....

[Guest]

I wouldn't say that you need to have desire to have sex to be a grey-a. I have little to no desire to have sex and I identify as a grey-a.

[Vanyel]

I also have NO desire to have sex with someone else...i've been identifying as Grey-A on AVEN because I wasn't sure I could say I was asexual or not and be being truthful due to my confusion over whether I experience sexual attraction or not, but the thread that vamp refered to above has been very helpful to me in possibly defining sexual attraction for me. But does Grey-A mean one has at least some desire to have sex? perhaps I should not be using it if it does....

I know exactly what you mean, Moggie! I've been toying with "grey-a" instead of "asexual" in my head because of AVEN's definition. I don't need sex, I don't desire sex, but maybe I have sexual attraction... or is it ascetic and I just assume it's sexual because that's what society would call it? But the feelings are so shallow that I'm beginning to feel that asexual fits me better no matter what.

I wouldn't say that you need to have desire to have sex to be a grey-a. I have little to no desire to have sex and I identify as a grey-a.

I'd love to hear why you're identify as grey-a with no desire for sex, if you feel alright with sharing :) Is it through your physical attractions to others?

In essence I know that people look good, but I dont really want to be with them, but the thought of sex is OK with me. I just dont posess the inate sexual urge that would drive me into action

~

It kind of does, but it kind of does not. I'm still figuring out of these attractions are romantic then perhaps, the attractions are different between men and women. Still there is no real want to be romantically involved.

If you're having a hard time deciding the nature of your attractions, it may be easier to go the opposite way, and say what you DON'T need or want. For example, if you don't need or want romantic involvement at all, you could likely be aromantic. But if you want one in the future, just not right now, you're probably a romantic and you're just not ready for a relationship yet. You can also deduce what you don't feel for men and women, then compare your lists. You can decide if your attractions to both sexes are similar enough that you consider yourself bi-, or if they're very different, you may care to define it another way.

Like I said above, I haven't decided my attraction type yet, either, but I'm about to settle on "asexual" because I THINK that the core difference with sexuals and asexuals is the NEED to share sexual intimacy with another person. Next comes the driving urge or desire to have sex with someone else. Lacking those 2 key points completely separates me from sexuals, regardless of physical attractions or sexual enjoyment. Without the need and desire, everything else is a moot point. I still don't understand others' need for sexual intimacy, so asexual seems to fit me well enough :)

I wish you the best of luck, though <3 I really enjoy discussing these subtle differences with someone (since I'm still learning so much!)

[Janus the Fox]

In essence I know that people look good, but I dont really want to be with them, but the thought of sex is OK with me. I just dont posess the inate sexual urge that would drive me into action

~

It kind of does, but it kind of does not. I'm still figuring out of these attractions are romantic then perhaps, the attractions are different between men and women. Still there is no real want to be romantically involved.

If you're having a hard time deciding the nature of your attractions, it may be easier to go the opposite way, and say what you DON'T need or want. For example, if you don't need or want romantic involvement at all, you could likely be aromantic. But if you want one in the future, just not right now, you're probably a romantic and you're just not ready for a relationship yet. You can also deduce what you don't feel for men and women, then compare your lists. You can decide if your attractions to both sexes are similar enough that you consider yourself bi-, or if they're very different, you may care to define it another way.

Like I said above, I haven't decided my attraction type yet, either, but I'm about to settle on "asexual" because I THINK that the core difference with sexuals and asexuals is the NEED to share sexual intimacy with another person. Next comes the driving urge or desire to have sex with someone else. Lacking those 2 key points completely separates me from sexuals, regardless of physical attractions or sexual enjoyment. Without the need and desire, everything else is a moot point. I still don't understand others' need for sexual intimacy, so asexual seems to fit me well enough :)

I wish you the best of luck, though <3 I really enjoy discussing these subtle differences with someone (since I'm still learning so much!)

I could be mixing up athesic attraction with physical ones. Attractions has been mixed, I'm attracted to taller, fitter men while im also attracted shorter cuter women. Attractions are more frequent and more subtle with women, but for men it's less frequent but a lot stronger. It started with simple bi-curisoity, but when attractions started to show, thats when I started to question my asexuality.

Interesting, if I look at it in a NEED TO SHARE sexual/romantic intimacy, then that fully puts me at the aromantic and asexual, but I also feel that if I do meet someone, I do feel that romantic/sexual feelings can develop rather quickly just like any normal sexual person. I feel fully capable of intimacy, but nothing to drive me at all.

My mindset is changing though, since finding AVEN, I was completly sex repulsed, anti-sexual, elitest and a tad homophobic with no form of any attractions, with this change, that's why I cannot label at all. heh... how times have changed...

[Guest]

I wouldn't say that you need to have desire to have sex to be a grey-a. I have little to no desire to have sex and I identify as a grey-a.

I'd love to hear why you're identify as grey-a with no desire for sex, if you feel alright with sharing :) Is it through your physical attractions to others?

Pretty much. I rarely experience sexual attraction and when I do I've never seen it linked with sexual desire (Kind of like the way I feel about cheesecake, I love everything about it but the taste :P).

[Moggie]

I wouldn't say that you need to have desire to have sex to be a grey-a. I have little to no desire to have sex and I identify as a grey-a.

Thanks :)

I THINK that the core difference with sexuals and asexuals is the NEED to share sexual intimacy with another person. Next comes the driving urge or desire to have sex with someone else.

Me 2!!! Cool beans thanks for putting that into words for me :D

[Significant Form]

I've been experiencing a similar conundrum, which is making it somewhat difficult to identify myself. I experience sexual attraction, but I am somewhat resentful of it. I am not certain whether I resent sexual attraction because I have no desire to act on it -- in which case I would call myself grey -- or I have no desire to act on sexual attraction because I resent it, in which case I would be a repressed restrained heterosexual.

Apologies if this made little sense; I am rather fatigued but wanted to throw in my two cents before sleeping.

[Moggie]

I've been experiencing a similar conundrum, which is making it somewhat difficult to identify myself. I experience sexual attraction, but I am somewhat resentful of it. I am not certain whether I resent sexual attraction because I have no desire to act on it -- in which case I would call myself grey -- or I have no desire to act on sexual attraction because I resent it, in which case I would be a repressed restrained heterosexual.

Apologies if this made little sense; I am rather fatigued but wanted to throw in my two cents before sleeping.

What you said made sense to me. And i can relate to what you said about possibly resenting sexual attraction you may experience because you have no desire to act on it... i resent arousal because I don't want to act on it and wish i didn't even want to want to. (sorry I may be the one that is making little sense). Anyway thank you for your post

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I think of myself as hetero-demisexual...

My interpretation is basically that "sexual attraction" implies a direct, causal link between initial upfront physical attractiveness and actually wanting to have sex with the person, like for real. So like others have said, attraction implies desire here. I don't think I qualify as a mainstream sexual as I simply don't have this direct mental link between seeing an attractive woman and actually wanting to sleep with her - like immediately, or that night, or that week, or heck - even for the first few months until I form a real relationship and strong connection.

However, I am not completely blind to good looks. Even to a "sexualised" sense of attractiveness. eg. I can certainly look at an attractive woman and see that she is attractive (even "sexy"), it's just that this is a sort of hands-off aesthetic thing only, it doesn't actually kick off a realistic will to have sex with her.

At any rate, I don't really have an attraction vs desire conflict, the only conflict I have is the definition of "sexual attraction" itself. Some people would say that being able to recognise "sexy women" implies that I'm a normal heterosexual, but I don't see it this way. The way I process this is just too abstract and far removed from what actually makes me realistically want to sleep with women (that is - being very deeply connected emotionally), that this "recognition of good looks" is pretty much completely sexually devoid of meaning.

[lifeisaboutlearning]

SUCH a good question!

Also in a similar boat... speaking as a hetero-romantic not-entirely-sure-what-sexual, I know what makes a good-looking man, but the only attraction I would feel towards him (as yet, anyway - I know these things can change) would be to kiss him. But the idea of actually having sex with him is something that would never cross my mind. No desire there at all. And I have no idea what would make someone "sexy", and the difference between being "sexy" and being "good-looking". If there is one.

Having trouble to stick a label on that... and I like having labels for myself.

[Vanyel]

I think of myself as hetero-demisexual...

My interpretation is basically that "sexual attraction" implies a direct, causal link between initial upfront physical attractiveness and actually wanting to have sex with the person, like for real. So like others have said, attraction implies desire here. I don't think I qualify as a mainstream sexual as I simply don't have this direct mental link between seeing an attractive woman and actually wanting to sleep with her - like immediately, or that night, or that week, or heck - even for the first few months until I form a real relationship and strong connection.

However, I am not completely blind to good looks. Even to a "sexualised" sense of attractiveness. eg. I can certainly look at an attractive woman and see that she is attractive (even "sexy"), it's just that this is a sort of hands-off aesthetic thing only, it doesn't actually kick off a realistic will to have sex with her.

At any rate, I don't really have an attraction vs desire conflict, the only conflict I have is the definition of "sexual attraction" itself. Some people would say that being able to recognise "sexy women" implies that I'm a normal heterosexual, but I don't see it this way. The way I process this is just too abstract and far removed from what actually makes me realistically want to sleep with women (that is - being very deeply connected emotionally), that this "recognition of good looks" is pretty much completely sexually devoid of meaning.

Actually, that's a really clear-cut and straightforward interpretation/definition. I think a lot of people have problems understanding the distinction between aesthetic and sexual attraction, but you put it really clear-cut words. I have to agree with you. So if sexual attraction includes the desire for actual sex instead of a hands-off appreciation of even their sexual beauty (which would then be aesthetic attraction), I'm definitely asexual.

And from hearing your description, no matter what else you label yourself, it certainly sounds like you have strong romantic attraction! (^-^)

SUCH a good question!

Also in a similar boat... speaking as a hetero-romantic not-entirely-sure-what-sexual, I know what makes a good-looking man, but the only attraction I would feel towards him (as yet, anyway - I know these things can change) would be to kiss him. But the idea of actually having sex with him is something that would never cross my mind. No desire there at all. And I have no idea what would make someone "sexy", and the difference between being "sexy" and being "good-looking". If there is one.

Having trouble to stick a label on that... and I like having labels for myself.

It seems "sexy" originally meant that it invokes arousal or sexual interest; "good-looking" means handsome, beautiful, or a good appearance. So going by those strict definitions alone, an asexual can't find someone sexy (they'd be gray, demi, or fully sexual) but asexuals can find someone good-looking. Of course now "sexy" has become synonymous with "good-looking" so I don't think it matters unless you're trying to make a strict distinction.

I know what you mean about labels, too. It just helps you to understand yourself in categories. We're a species that loves to stick things in boxes, because that's how our brains organize things. We all label each other, and I think that knowing the labels that will likely be placed on us helps us to see ourselves through other people's eyes.

[Tiffa]

Alot going on here.

I'm in that boat as well. I experience sexual attraction, but I'm lacking on the desire side. I've simply never really wanted to have sex. Every now and then I will feel some desire, which is completely different (though complementary) than attraction (for me at least). Like the OP I am stuck between bisexual and gray-asexual when it comes to terms. It doesn't really matter, I am how I am, but I believe gray-A fits me well enough. I'm not asexual, as I said I do experience sexual attraction, but that attraction isn't very steady. Some days I'm quite close to being ace, others I'm close to bi. And then others it's just a rollercoaster of feelings and lack thereof. Plus, sex is really icky! :lol:

It's interesting for sure, but looking back this is how I have always felt/been.

When I was little I thought "big kissing" AKA kisses on the lips were soo disturbing. And when I found out people make their Barbies and Kens kiss, well, my GOD people! I didn't know what sex was until I was like 12/13/14 or something. (See? I don't even remember when I finally found out.) And yeah, I was homeschooled, sheltered, blah blah blah. I wasn't particularly interested in finding out though. Hahaha, and don't get me started on how I must look to my family. I'd be so obvious if asexuality wasn't so unheard of.

[ceylon]

The labels are so frustrating! Combinations and variations and colors. Sheesh!

I find men attractive. Not all of them, of course, but when I find one I like I know it. If I pass a good looking man in the grocery store I'll turn around and check him out. I love looking at an attractive man, imagining what it would be like to kiss him, and planning out all of our romantic European backpacking adventures where we'll laugh all day and curl up with tea in front of a fire in our lake cabin at night. I'll think about what he might look like naked and how he'd be in bed. But when it comes down to it I don't really want to have sex with him. I'd rather just enjoy checking out his ass when he walks by me in the cereal aisle, and maybe still wonder what he'd look like in boxer briefs.

Fantasy ALWAYS trumps reality for me. I do experience sexual attraction and occasionally desire but it's rare, and like someone else said I rather resent it. When it does happen I'd rather think about the hot guy in the grocery store than actually go jump his bones. Quicker, cleaner, probably more satisfying anyway. In my head he can be whoever I want him to be, but in reality he's just a guy that never puts his dishes in the sink and has shoes that stink up the whole apartment.

No idea what kind of label I'd get for that.

[Vanyel]

Ceylon, if there were "like" buttons for forum posts, I'd hit "like" for yours~ :lol:

I agree with you 100%! I enjoy looking at men that are easy on the eyes, but fantasy always trumps reality... in our heads, they're perfect; in real life, you have to deal with all their flaws. The fantasy is just so much more satisfying :P

[Mona Lisa]

Ceylon pretty much said it all.

I definitely have that attraction/desire conflict and find it frustrating attempting to sort those feelings out. For example, I may feel attraction toward a guy, maybe even get aroused, but the minute contact turns into anything sexual, any desire I may have had (if I had any) instantly goes away. I don't know where this puts me in terms of labels -- I don't fit the AVEN definition of asexual but I am absolutely not interested in sex. But I do think it is possible to feel attraction without desire. And believe me, it has confused me and frustrated a lot of my dates.

Anyway, sexuality is so fluid and spectral that many labels seem to be subjective umbrella terms at best.

[Jinoc]

I have something of the same situation as Mona Lisa.

When I see a good-looking guy, I'm usually not in a hands-off frame of mind : I really want to hug and snuggle and make out the shit out of him. But genitals are a no-go, I don't want to see them, a nice pair of boxers looks way better. And I've just never understood my friends who, looking at pictures of guys, would say "god he's so hot" looking at a guy with a built body, but nothing special otherwise.

Something I recently noticed also is that the stronger the attraction, the lower its physicality. I have a hard time picturing myself even hugging the guy that's currently blowing my mind every time I see him, nor could I the only other time this level of attraction occurred.

In the end, grey-labels are too complicated for me. I don't see myself as having sex even in a strong relationship anyway, so for any practical purpose I'm just asexual.

[ceylon]

Ceylon, if there were "like" buttons for forum posts, I'd hit "like" for yours~ :lol:

I agree with you 100%! I enjoy looking at men that are easy on the eyes, but fantasy always trumps reality... in our heads, they're perfect; in real life, you have to deal with all their flaws. The fantasy is just so much more satisfying :P

Ceylon pretty much said it all.

Can't tell you how relieved I was to read these two responses. I'm not the only one! WHEW!

[gustavoborges]

Sorry for start talking about other subject...

but, actually, sexual attraction have any definition? even 'sexual' people, all of them experience it in the same way? I don't think so..

But, actually, I hav another question, if somebody could help me, I'm apreciate that a lot.

I identify myself as gray-assexual. Sometimes, I fall in love or 'like' some girls.

I accept myself as I am, but there is one 'problem' that I identify:

- as i'm grey and romantic i have a lot of romantic and emotional feelings, but it's very hard to me date, also because I'm a man, any kind of girl. Like, what she would think if I tould her: I love you, but I haven't desire to have sex with you.

Also, i feel me a litle be depressed, because, I know that any girl that like or loved me, wanted to have sex with me, but as I'm assexual, even gray, I couldn't give a good satisfaction to her needs and desires.

Also, it' strange think when you start, in some cases to kiss her, cuddle and more than that, but she feels that you are not liking it or not almost aroused..

How could I deal with it?

Waiting for your answer

[Variance]

The labels are so frustrating! Combinations and variations and colors. Sheesh!

I find men attractive. Not all of them, of course, but when I find one I like I know it. If I pass a good looking man in the grocery store I'll turn around and check him out. I love looking at an attractive man, imagining what it would be like to kiss him, and planning out all of our romantic European backpacking adventures where we'll laugh all day and curl up with tea in front of a fire in our lake cabin at night. I'll think about what he might look like naked and how he'd be in bed. But when it comes down to it I don't really want to have sex with him. I'd rather just enjoy checking out his ass when he walks by me in the cereal aisle, and maybe still wonder what he'd look like in boxer briefs.

Fantasy ALWAYS trumps reality for me. I do experience sexual attraction and occasionally desire but it's rare, and like someone else said I rather resent it. When it does happen I'd rather think about the hot guy in the grocery store than actually go jump his bones. Quicker, cleaner, probably more satisfying anyway. In my head he can be whoever I want him to be, but in reality he's just a guy that never puts his dishes in the sink and has shoes that stink up the whole apartment.

No idea what kind of label I'd get for that.

I've read this like 5 times. I created an account just to respond.

If you write this from the point of view of a straight guy, it is me to a T. I see an attractive woman on the street and I admire her (as briefly and tastefully as possible). I'll recognize what I like about her--her legs, her stomach, her hair. I'll wonder what it'd be like to have sex with her, the legs especially. And that's where the story ends. I feel zero desire to pursue it.

And then sometimes I wonder what I would do if this woman was naked in my bed, waiting for me. The erection would surely come because--right, she's attractive. But I know, removed from that experience, I don't want it. But I might give in. That's the thought that vexes me.

Anyhow; ceylon, Mona Lisa, Vanyel--what do you all consider yourselves, labelwise? If you choose a label.

[ceylon]

Anyhow; ceylon, Mona Lisa, Vanyel--what do you all consider yourselves, labelwise? If you choose a label.

Can I choose "confused"? How about "lonely"? I'm still working on it.

[Variance]

Anyhow; ceylon, Mona Lisa, Vanyel--what do you all consider yourselves, labelwise? If you choose a label.

Can I choose "confused"? How about "lonely"? I'm still working on it.

"Confused" about sums up the Gray Area, don't it.

[Data]

But I did experience sexual motivation or some form of hypersexuality for a short amount of time when curiosity got quite strong, at that time there were no attractions, just a fantasy and the inability to gain satisfaction from masturbation.

I got the same, but for me they often happen at the same day as my masturbationdrive, it feels like they are separate in some way.

In the past it was always >feeling like mb>maybe watch some porn, maybe fantasize but not necessarily I could think about anything>mb ends 0% chance of thinking about anything sexual at all until next mb. And I didn't mb all that much I could mb once a week, and that rule would apply.

Now I can have sexual thoughts at random times without even getting an erection, and I might feel some heat in my head then.

Oh no wait I did had sexual thoughts before but that had happen only literally few times in 28years, and they were only about one person, and there wasn't nothing that would accompany them it was just a thought.