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He's totally ignoring me! HELP Aven


goodyears

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Sounds like you had the outcome you really wanted and needed! This is good news.

I'm glad Crusis was able to say those things to help you...I felt it was valuable advice as well. Our hurt is great, and their's is probably comparable...I think we tend to forget this when we're so aware of our own pain. Talks like this always go best when it's not about one person or the other, but rather about us.

Congrats Goodyears!

P.S. Having why answered is huge. :)

Thanks so much Lady Girl, but I most definitely wouldn't have been able to do it as successfully without yall!!! :)

Alot of my stress was coming from having to deal with more than the asexual issue, but it all worked out. My confidence in the main issue gave strength to keeping the other stuff at bay.

You're exactly right about the success of an "us" talk. Something that clicked with me (pre talk) is how my sexual (mind) works as compared to my husbands. Before this, I was so caught up in the (my feelings) which to me sound a bit more like I'm pointing the finger = (fault & blame). So giving him a simple, but well known example of how a sexual might think (don't laugh because it was effective)..."The best part about a fight is making up"...was something he understood and didn't feel threatened by thus keeping his defenses down.

Yep...it was my search for "why" that brought me to Aven to begin with!

Thanks to all.

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Goodyears, don't feel you have to explain your life to anyone who asks.

It might work better if you concentrate on yourself rather than him. He obviously doesn't want to talk about sex, so that isn't going to work. Think about what you want in order to continue with the marriage. What's your bottom line? If XXX doesn't happen, will you leave? If so, what is that XXX? That isn't telling him HE must change, it's telling him that you have an idea of what marriage is to you, and you don't want to compromise what you need. If you can't have that with him, then the marriage won't work. Tell him that you don't blame him for anything but not being willing to talk. He is who he is; you are who you are. If the two of you can't reach an understanding, then you need to give up on the marriage.

That sounds pretty cold, but otherwise you may spend the next XXX months asking him to talk with him, being told "yes", and then getting nowhere.

Sally, just wanted to say thanks for the advice....

Goodyears, don't feel you have to explain your life to anyone who asks.

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Hey guys,

Well, I'm back so that means I didn't die after having "THE TALK" with my asexual husband, but boy was I scared!!! Wasn't sure how to tell you without you getting totally board so I will just do the outline thing...

- ground rules: no anger, no covert abuse (PA)

- my approach: did you visit Aven (when he said "NO"...I could have just lost it, but stayed calm)

- the introduction: explained to him what Aven about

- overcoming his ego; using "us" instead of "you"...was VERY careful about this.

- my feet firmly planted, stayed focused, with a loving posture

- no one is to blame, "we" are both hurting

- how it feels to be sexual, why it hurts, gave examples

- asexual isn't bad is just different than sexual

- asexual doesn't care about excuses or blame...it's an orientation not a behavior

- looking back...the reason it wasn't working...what "we" were doing to each other

- gave assurances of confidentiality (I know this a big thing with my husband...goes to ego)

- unlocking a door to happiness and a world of compromise

- weighing our options

I almost felt like it was an out of body experience...listening to myself as though all of you were talking through me. I can only relate it to other sexuals here who post things like, when they lay there at night next to their ace, thoughts of things learned here on Aven enter their mind and they find their need to have sex is not as great. For better or for worse, the impact of this community for those who embrace it is huge.

It was because of the insight and support I received from everyone here that I was able to articulate my thoughts, words and posturing in a way that my husband was able to take in the idea of asexuality.

Instead of ultimatum, I used the word closure. After all my years of searching for an answer to "why"...I now have closure and can move forward. I've reached that fork in the road. Where we go from here has yet to be decided.

In conclusion...my husband was receptive, mostly listened, agreed to continued dialog and appeared to be relieved. It's a start to whatever the outcome may be.

HUGS TO EVERYONE!!! :)

I am so glad things went so well for you. I am wishing you all the success in the world. We all love happy endings even though yours is not fully there yet. You have taken the first and hardest step. Just know we all understand where you are coming from and will always listen. God Bless you as you journey forward.

Thank you Down in Texas for listening and sharing what works for you and your partner. The "journey" will most certainly be chapter by chapter, but the path is predetermined.

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The positive reinforcement here on Aven is very commendable! It's awesome!

I, too, congratulate you Goody! Well done!

Talking to your spouse for the first time about asexuality is kinda like jumping off a ten meter platform diving board for the first time. I did this in eighth grade. Some pals and I snuck into the olympic size outdoor pool at the Michigan State campus. It was night time and totally dark outside and we had to climb the eight foot brick wall to get in.

While standing at the top of the ten meter platform and looking over the edge, you could not see the water because of the darkness. You could barely see the outline of the pool itself. Jumping takes a great leap of faith. When you do finally take that deep breath and jump forward, it feels as if you are falling forever...never knowing when you will hit the water because you can't see it. I think I must have wet myself on the way down. When you do hit the water you're very glad...even if it hurt only a little, you still have anxiety as you hope that you can return from the depths the jump sends you.

The first jump is deservingly a proud moment. Applausses are earned. But the hardest work is yet to come. If one is to become a good diver, lots of training and hard work are still ahead. But, heck, that first jump sure is sweet!

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I didn't have anything useful to say previously (not that I have now either), but I did want to congratulate you on your approach so far. Learning about asexuality, gathering advice, having The Talk, and all. I wish you continued success and many happy years to come! And :cake:. :)

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Being so excited about completing phase I (answering the question "why" and having the "talk") of this life lesson, I think it best I curb my enthusiasm at home since jumping and down and clapping my hands about my husband being asexual would not go over so well with him right now!!!! Yall agree????? :D

For me, it's all about making informed decisions. Yes, he was treating me like shit and being a Pain in the A**, ignoring me, not caring about my feelings, blah, blah, blah, but why? Having the answer gives me closure. Finally understanding the pain and suffering from an asexual point of view gives me empathy. The ultimate decision I have to make at some point is dependent upon [our] willingness and ability to compromise.

As alot of you know their are other issues here as well. I'll be curious to see if they (other issues) were somehow a coverup, expression of hurt, a coping mechanism or all of the above. And, will [they] diminish with discovering asexuality and improved communication? Guess we'll see!!!

I must say...having always been in the role of confidant, biggest supporter, caretaker, counselor and all round person who makes things better for everyone...I FIND IT HARD TO EVEN FIND THE WORDS TO EXPRESS TO ALL OF YOU HOW YOUR SUPPORT OF (ME) MAKES ME FEEL...

Thanks for holding my hand :wub:

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(((SERIOUSLY)))....What was I thinking yesterday????? "Jumping up and down" ... WOW, Goody musta been on some good drugs or somethin!!!!

Goody saw want she wanted to see in The Talk with her husband. Just like the first two years of her relationship (having only experienced sexual men)...sure she was the aggressor, but hey someone has to be...right!!! She was in love, sex was good, she felt connected...REALLY...HA...it was all an illusion. She got caught up in the moment and couldn't see what was right in front of her!!! Then, to add insult to injury, she got married thinking things will be different...WRONG!

This morning I asked my husband if he had a chance to read "Lady Girl's Story"...the blood left his face, a smile turn to a neutral position and the thought bubble above his head said it all, "You've got to be kidding...It's always something with you...and now I have to deal with hearing about this shit...what a nice f****** way to start my day!!!"

Your (Aven) support inspired me...gave me hope. I, on the other hand, romanticized the idea of connection...I felt good about ME in our Talk. And, he was just happy about my LOVING PRESENTATION, certainly not the subject matter!!!

Now, I feel so foolish for making such an embarrassing post and wish I knew how to delete it. It's typical for me to wear my feelings on my sleeve, it's a whole new thing posting them in a fourm :(

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Down in Texas

(((SERIOUSLY)))....What was I thinking yesterday????? "Jumping up and down" ... WOW, Goody musta been on some good drugs or somethin!!!!

Goody saw want she wanted to see in The Talk with her husband. Just like the first two years of her relationship (having only experienced sexual men)...sure she was the aggressor, but hey someone has to be...right!!! She was in love, sex was good, she felt connected...REALLY...HA...it was all an illusion. She got caught up in the moment and couldn't see what was right in front of her!!! Then, to add insult to injury, she got married thinking things will be different...WRONG!

This morning I asked my husband if he had a chance to read "Lady Girl's Story"...the blood left his face, a smile turn to a neutral position and the thought bubble above his head said it all, "You've got to be kidding...It's always something with you...and now I have to deal with hearing about this shit...what a nice f****** way to start my day!!!"

Your (Aven) support inspired me...gave me hope. I, on the other hand, romanticized the idea of connection...I felt good about ME in our Talk. And, he was just happy about my LOVING PRESENTATION, certainly not the subject matter!!!

Now, I feel so foolish for making such an embarrassing post and wish I knew how to delete it. It's typical for me to wear my feelings on my sleeve, it's a whole new thing posting them in a fourm :(

Go easy on yourself Goody. Give him time to process what he has learned and time to understand how you are going to treat him now that you have discovered asexuality. I am sure it was a gut response to fearing you will change his whole world. For us it has changed things, we now know the "why" and it takes away all the insecurities we have had about ourselves for so long. However, for them it is as if we are calling them inferior and we have just pulled the rug out from under them or taken their breath away. Take it one-step at a time but give it some time.

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Goody I'm sorry to hear this. Don't feel bad for telling us...at all. That's what we're here for. :cake:

I don't know your husband, but I do know this...asexuals don't REALLY want to have sex, and mine REALLY REALLY doesn't want to talk about it much either (maybe likes that even less than having it).

I just want to say, having the why answered is a big deal, but not the solution to the problem. I have to keep reminding myself that the solution is in the days and weeks and years after that...and it's work. It means sometimes when I want to blab on about AVEN and see this certain look on his face, I redirect to a new topic. Sometimes this bothers me, other times not.

Anyway, I hope you can find some peace in knowing that most of the sexuals on this site can relate to communication difficulties, and every couple deals with that in different ways, just like they all deal with the sexual activity compromise in different ways.

I agree with Texas too, it takes time.

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Awww thanks Lady Girl & DiT,

Working at home today...sterio on...just got lost in Led Zepplin's, Stairway to Heaven. Takes me back to a good place in time...gonna stay here awhile...feels good!

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Down in Texas

Awww thanks Lady Girl & DiT,

Working at home today...sterio on...just got lost in Led Zepplin's, Stairway to Heaven. Takes me back to a good place in time...gonna stay here awhile...feels good!

I hear that I fall into the music too. Some makes me really Blue at these times and bring back lots of memories of the good times also. Just dont beat yourself up tooo badly. We know where you are and just reading your post makes all the hurt fresh for me too. I sit here crying with you knowing exactly how you feel and feeling it all over again myself.

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well I've just read everything and I think you are amazing and should be commended for all the effort you are putting forth. I know you feel like he isn't putting in as much effort and it doesn't seem like he is, his avoidance and willingness to have communication problems is a big issue. But I would say that since its only been a few days since the talk that yes part of him may have been more relieved about how it went and less about the topic but he may also be taking these few days (or maybe longer but hopefully not too long!)to process everything that was said. Even if the conversation went really well and was handled with a very loving approach it is still a lot for him (and you!) to take in.

I'm crossing my fingers for you that hopefully he will start holding up his side of the conversation soon.

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Still in a bad place....

I've felt (virtual) compromise through my dear friends here on Aven, BUT, nowhere in that compromise do I feel connection...NOWHERE! That's not compromise...that's relinquishing a basic human need...it doesn't fill that "CONNECTION" which must be present to feel fulfilled...who are we kidding????? It's as flat as saying, well I know I have to clean the bathroom, I don't really feel like it, but I'll do it anyway! How am I supposed to feel good about something like that????

I feel more connected with the sexual men and women here on Aven (although I'm not bi I feel like with as strong of a connection there is here, I WOULD BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE!!! Ha...now, that's a compromise...why? Because a connection goes along with it! Hell, I have more of a connection with my toys...and afterwards, I'm really not feeling let down!!! Do I wish I had the real thing, absolutely, but, I'm really struggling with this concept of compromise.

According to "Webster" compromise means to adjust or settle by mutual concessions. Webster further points out that "Concession" means the admitting of a point claimed in argument or the act or an instance of conceding. Please tell what about that definition would make me feel excited or at the very least like something I'd want????? WOW...my husband and I agreed to a compromise. Hummm, one more thing on his already long list of things to do...Oh, that's right it's Thursday, I have to get her off tonight...SERIOUSLY!!! Oh boy, it's Thursday, yep once every other week I get F**** by my husband!!!! I'm sorry, but what do you call it when it's void of anything resembling a connection. It's really hard for me to wrap my brain around this. No wonder we read posts about now the compromise has happened, but suddenly the sexual partner doesn't have the desire...Well, No Shit!

What it feels like to have DiT cry for me...it rips my heart out! Here she is trying to comfort me and all I want to do is reach through this lap top and make her feel better. Seriously! Sooooo much pain and sadness...and connection here on Aven.

I know I'm preaching to the choir (of sexuals) (with no disrespect to asexuals intended) and I appreciate this moment to "rant". Having the answer "why" is great, but what's left doesn't feel like a great alternative. In my book it looks like I should settle for "it is what it is". Webster says "settle" means: To make quiet or orderly; to fix or resolve conclusively.

I just don't know that my faith or my marriage is strong enough to survive this....feel so lost right now!

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Ohh Goody,

You are justified in your anger and frustration and your fears and everything else. It is okay to mourn. I know the feeling....it's as if you lost a loved one..never to see them again.

You want "fire" and don't want to settle for "luke-warm." You want a lover..not a friend.

Your pain is shared. It's a good time for some wine.

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As an asexual I can tell you, for me, having sex even some of the time would not be a compromise I could handle (once a week may seem like very little to some people, but to others it can seem like too much). I understand a sexual person's desire and need for sex, and the strong role it can play in their relationship with the one they love, and that's as it should be. The need to not have sex can be just as strong for an asexual. For some of us at least, sex is not a way we make a connection. It can be distressing.

Some "mixed couples" find ways to make things work somehow. I expect it takes both parties working together though. I'm sure every couple is different and every solution is, too. Others will come to the conclusion that things can't work and decide to separate and seek what they need and desire in a different relationship. I would argue that there is no shame in that, but I also recognize the stress and distress breakups can cause to either or both parties. The truth is there aren't always easy answers. Sometimes the best answers are difficult and people will get hurt. All we can do is try to do our best.

Don't blame yourself for getting your hopes up, but I also hope you won't expect quick easy solutions. Maybe the two of you working together can find a way forward.

Whatever happesn I wish you the best!

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Compromise is never fun. Even when it works -- in other words, when both people work on it and arrive at an agreement --it's still not fun. :(

Goody, ignore him for a while and try to think about how it might feel to just have the "statutory" (legal term, and just as un-fun as it sounds) amount of sex agreed upon. How does that feel? It sounds like this is going to be a decision on your part, not his, so you need to decide how much frustration you can take, and whether it's worth it. That may take a short period of time, or a long period of time. You'll just have to feel what you feel every day, and kind of keep a record of whether your feelings change/progress.

Dont EVER feel bad for saying anything on AVEN. As someone else said, that's what it's for. And there are a number of asexuals here who understand how you feel. We don't feel what you feel about sex, but we understand how strongly you feel.

Just thinking about Stairway to Heaven takes me back to when I first knew my partner and how much hope I had, and how much I loved him. Ach. Both beautiful and painful.

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After hitting "8" on the Richter Scale yesterday (and not because my partner took me there in a good way...HaHa) I've settled down a bit after reading your posts.

It never occurred to me that opening this "Pandora's Box" would cause me MORE pain and suffering, but as the myth goes... "Hope" is found at the bottom!!!

How bout we all get together this weekend...have some wine (or whatever)...listen to Stairway to Heaven (when it felt good) and talk about the weather????? :wub:

Many thanks to all...

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Compromise is never fun. Even when it works -- in other words, when both people work on it and arrive at an agreement --it's still not fun. :(

Goody, ignore him for a while and try to think about how it might feel to just have the "statutory" (legal term, and just as un-fun as it sounds) amount of sex agreed upon. How does that feel? It sounds like this is going to be a decision on your part, not his, so you need to decide how much frustration you can take, and whether it's worth it. That may take a short period of time, or a long period of time. You'll just have to feel what you feel every day, and kind of keep a record of whether your feelings change/progress.

Dont EVER feel bad for saying anything on AVEN. As someone else said, that's what it's for. And there are a number of asexuals here who understand how you feel. We don't feel what you feel about sex, but we understand how strongly you feel.

Just thinking about Stairway to Heaven takes me back to when I first knew my partner and how much hope I had, and how much I loved him. Ach. Both beautiful and painful.

Very nice, Sally....well said!

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According to "Webster" compromise means to adjust or settle by mutual concessions. Webster further points out that "Concession" means the admitting of a point claimed in argument or the act or an instance of conceding. Please tell what about that definition would make me feel excited or at the very least like something I'd want????? WOW...my husband and I agreed to a compromise. Hummm, one more thing on his already long list of things to do...Oh, that's right it's Thursday, I have to get her off tonight...SERIOUSLY!!! Oh boy, it's Thursday, yep once every other week I get F**** by my husband!!!! I'm sorry, but what do you call it when it's void of anything resembling a connection. It's really hard for me to wrap my brain around this. No wonder we read posts about now the compromise has happened, but suddenly the sexual partner doesn't have the desire...Well, No Shit!

It's different for every couple...this doesn't happen to everyone. I'm sorry it's like this for you Goody and I hope things start looking up SOON!

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One of the most effective compromises that we made was explicitly establishing a mutual understanding of where the other stood on "sex as an expression of love". So in return for me never feeling that my wife's lack of sexual attraction is a symptom of a lack of love, she in turn accepts that my attraction is an expression of my love. So where in the past if I had told her I thought she was looking particularly sexy she may have thought (or said) "You're only interested in my body, and not really in me.", I'll usually get a reply like "I think you're pretty wonderful, too."

That's more important to us than the compromises we make regarding what we get up to sexually, although again there, my wife knows that what works best for me is anything done with a smile, and I know that her smiles are for me for that reason, not a sign of horniness.

[And as obvious as those things might seem, even for us they took years of work/honest communication to arrive at - old habits die hard, and all that...]

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That's awesome Olivier! Great idea! It seems to be kinda like learning about each other all over again!?

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I appreciate your message, Oliver, and compliment your success in being able to "explicitly establish a mutual understanding". This will prove to be my biggest challenge (besides the lack of sex thing) since my husband does not communicate.

Baby Steps: This past weekend the weather was beautiful so we spent alot of time working around the house preparing for spring. It kind of felt like how Lady Girl described her day off with Mr. Lady Girl...just hung out, [he] played her favorite music and they felt connected. No heavy conversation, no agenda, just being together.

In other words...I didn't think about the issue [him as the cause of my suffering] this weekend and just tried to enjoy the ways in which we "do" connect and this felt good. "Thanks Sally"!

Wow, what a process!!! In the short time I've been here on Aven I've shared my pain and suffering, realized I'm not alone, found the answer "why", had "The Talk", momentarily felt good, had a meltdown and now I've backed up to taking baby steps after realizing it all takes time. Most importantly, I'm thankful for the caring, guidance and support from everyone here on Aven :D

~Goody

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It's great to hear you're doing so well Goody! The time factor is important as you noted, and I always love to hear what Olivier has to say too. For sure, you will have meltdowns again, but baby steps there too (each time is truly an opportunity to not blame them or asexuality).

Glad you had a nice weekend! :cake:

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I appreciate your message, Oliver, and compliment your success in being able to "explicitly establish a mutual understanding". This will prove to be my biggest challenge (besides the lack of sex thing) since my husband does not communicate.

To be honest, my wife hated talking about sex with me, too. She just tended to say "I just don't get it - you know it's not really my thing" and shut down, which used to get me really angry, which gave her another reason to not like talking about sex. It took a lot of patience on my part, and trust on her part, to get past that.

But we're coming from a slightly different place than a lot of folks - talking about sex is actually part of her job, so she's fine with the subject matter on an abstract level, it's just been hard to get to a place where we can talk about "sex and us" without worrying about whether it will all blow up into an argument. Even now we tend to avoid talking about sex, because she feels talking about sex fills her sex-tolerance-quota faster than actually having sex, and it's the opposite for me, so it's in both of our interests to talk less ;)

But getting things out on the table and agreed was necessary before getting to that point, because otherwise we were operating on the basis of a whole bunch of assumptions that turned out to be wrong.

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This is so great Olivier! I'm so glad you came back and posted...I have suspected this has been the case for us for awhile now, and I'm a blabber mouth about it all and drive him nuts. How do I stop all my sex talk? I know I'm just going to have to do it, perhaps remind myself that it's a gesture of love that he can really appreciate. If you have any other ideas for me...I'm all ears. :blush:

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Oliver & Lady Girl ~ What you said, soooooooooooo resonates with me:

Oliver....Even now we tend to avoid talking about sex, because she feels talking about sex fills her sex-tolerance-quota faster than actually having sex, and it's the opposite for me, so it's in both of our interests to talk less
The "sex-tolerance-quota" made me giggle, but I can see how true that comment really is!!!
Lady Girl....I have suspected this has been the case for us for awhile now, and I'm a blabber mouth about it all and drive him nuts. How do I stop all my sex talk?
The "blabber mouth" description, Lady Girl, is soooo me and also made me laugh!!!

Understanding "asexualty" really brings into focus how "wrong" my approach has been for the past 10 years and how hurtful my words have been. Having always been big on R & D (research and development) and never having a problem sharing my findings...blah, blah, blah...I would probably have built a brick wall with structural reinforcements too!!!

Granted, my brain understands that strength comes from surviving and not surrendering, knowledge is power and building a connection from within the marriage is important, but here I am this "sexual" who's libido is saying, "I want it now"!!!

I'm OK...don't worry...no meltdown today...But, I'm just sayin! :)

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Ladygirl and Goody,

You two better learn to zip it up or the "sex tolerance quota" is gonna bite you in the metatorsal tarse!

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As suggested, I've taken a time out from any asexual discussions thinking my husband needs some time to digest The Talk. During this time my thoughts have been reflecting back over the past 10 years...

There was never a time when the part I played in this relationship didn't include sensuality. Without being graphic, I will just say that those of you who are sexual and have an imagination know what I'm talking about. I remember thinking so many times how strange it was that my husband didn't just take me, throw me on the bed and..............! It almost makes me feel foolish or embarrassed. :blush:

(Before couples discover asexuality) Can someone please tell me what goes through the head of an asexual husband who shares love, intimacy and romance with his wife when she slowly undresses in front of him, her beautiful naked body approaches him and she .............?????? :unsure:

I guess along with feeling a bit foolish and embarrassed, I'm just feeling a little weird right now...kind of like I've been living with a stranger. Are there any other sexuals out there who have felt like this?

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Can someone please tell me what goes through the head of an asexual husband who shares love, intimacy and romance with his wife when she slowly undresses in front of him, her beautiful naked body approaches him and she .............?????? :unsure:

I'm definitely not male, but I think the situation would be the same for asexual husbands and wives: dismay and realization that we're not going to be able to give the response that is expected, because we just don't feel what we're expected to feel, and knowing that our partner won't understand that it isn't that we don't love him/her.

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sexualwithasexual

I want to hear asexual responses to this as well. "Can someone please tell me what goes through the head of an asexual husband who shares love, intimacy and romance with his wife when she slowly undresses in front of him, her beautiful naked body approaches him and she.."

But my asexual partner has told me what goes through her head in a situation like that: "I'd love to have a cup of coffee right now, or maybe the cats need my attention... Naked bodies are simply naked, what's for dinner? I'd love my feet rubbed right now, wonder if that's sexual enough? I hope she doesn't want to put her naked skin right next to mine, why would anyone ever think that feels good?? Hot sticky skin? I just don't get that? But will she bake some chocolate chip cookies tonight, Yes? Just for me? Now THAT's what I call L-O-V-E!"

And as for talking about sex, someone on AVEN helped me realize that for someone who can't relate to sexual desire, it's very likely to be a topic that's difficult to talk about for any length of time. I have not an inkling of interest in baseball. I just don't have it in me. I've tried for the men in my life who have every play (is that what you call it) memorized and all the famous players, and all the weird rituals (that's a bit interesting..actually) but I just can't maintain an interest in that subject to have a meaningful conversation about it. It's likely the same for many asexuals. Heap on top of that, the fact that it represents all of their unique failings in the relationship, no matter how ardently we demand that "We accept them, we just want to understand or feel loved.. etc." it's a reminder that they can't provide that for us, and that hurts.

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