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Scientia

What does romance mean to you? Advice needed.

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Scientia

Whilst I am now content with my asexuality and have been for some time, I still find myself completely adrift when it comes to my romantic orientation.

In the past this has happened:

Person: Hi... you seem nice...

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *runs away*

Any romantic interest from any person that I don't know that well, I freak. Though it has to be said, on the odd occassion that someone I do know has shown interest, I've tended to freak too - sometimes managing to skirt the issue and bring the conversation round to more agreeable topics (or they did). So perhaps I am, even though I've been fighting it, aromantic afterall. Why fight it? Because, at the moment at least, I do believe that I would want to live with someone in an exclusive sense and sharing our lives and doing things together and even maybe hugs.

I'm very unsure of what romance is to me - my fantasy romantic life is very dull in the sense of it's only ever been one person who features in it - I did think that I was romantic because of this, but that would be confusing fantasy and reality and reality hasn't given me anything to work with so far. All that being said, I'm not sure if this is a problem of not meeting a lot of people or if I am actually aromantic. I've been thinking if I can figure out what romance means to me, then perhaps I could make some headway.

So, fellow AVENites, what does romance mean to you? What is it, what isn't it and does anyone have any advice for me?

Thanks. :cake:

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mrwright

I've tried many times to write an idea about what's romance to me and I can't just say something clear...so I don't know what's a romance for me.

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Syatten

For me, romance means falling in love. And falling in love (in a romantic way) means become kinda obsessed with a person without an objective reason. I suddenly become very interested in that person, want to spend time with them, think that they are amazing, almost as if they were a god (even thought I know that nobody is perfect, I still think that way). I want to give them presents and to do something nice for them.

It sound really silly, but it's all about feelings, and I haven't learned to reason about that yet :redface:

I don't think I can give you any great advice. I also freak out when someone I do not know or someone I'm not interested in shows romantic interest towards me. I don't think this has to do with being romantic or aromantic. Maybe you do need to meet more people. Or maybe you actually are aromantic. Time will tell.

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5_♦♣

I freak myself out half the time at the mere thought of being in a relationship and I'm a romantic Ace. I feel that a relationship would infringe on my freedom; though still, I do want physical intimacy such as cuddling and kissing etc.

I don't have any advice for you though, sorry.

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samepage1

So perhaps I am, even though I've been fighting it, aromantic afterall. Why fight it? Because, at the moment at least, I do believe that I would want to live with someone in an exclusive sense and sharing our lives and doing things together and even maybe hugs.

I'm aromantic, so the most that I can say is that I would not consider anything that I would want in a relationship to be romantic. I would want the same sort of relationship that you say you want, and yet I'm aromantic. I think romantic is some kind of different way of feeling about someone that is not the same as you'd feel toward a typical friend. I don't understand it beyond that, which is why I consider myself aromantic.

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Mahara

To me, romance itself, as in candles and flowers and…stuff…(?) doesn't really factior in as much as a partnership. I've only recently discovered that I want companionship. So I suppose that the closest to romance is more like snippets from a life together—I see 'what ifs,' and am trying to find a person that would fil the empty spot.

Does that make any sense?

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mrwright

To me, romance itself, as in candles and flowers and…stuff…(?) doesn't really factior in as much as a partnership. I've only recently discovered that I want companionship. So I suppose that the closest to romance is more like snippets from a life together—I see 'what ifs,' and am trying to find a person that would fil the empty spot.

Does that make any sense?

I don't see why not make sense. The way I rode this I think you meant like having someone to be with but not all the time (like having a time together but living in different houses / rooms the most of the time) sorry if this wasn't what you meant. Maybe you'll find that person someday, who knows :)

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Bellaitalia

Oh man--what romance means to me-- I honestly don't know since I haven't experienced it, and like you, get freaked out when people show romantic interest in me. I find intimacy to be very intrusive, awkward, and uncomfortable. Its funny because I myself have romantic feelings towards someone, but would be freaked out if they felt the same way...I guess I want to like the person more than they like me. I don't know why this could be and I'm still trying to figure it out. So what im saying is, my romantic feelings consist of being completely obsessed and infatuated with someone, analyzing their every move, getting nervous around them, analyzing things I say. Basically they become the object of my attention. I guess when I find out that someone likes me, I feel as if they have those same feelings that I have when I like someone....like the feelings of obsession. That freaks me out. And I won't allow myself to go on a date sometimes and try to avoid it (even though I want a relationship one day--only with someone I like a lot)..because I think it's very fake and there's too much pressure to decide how you feel about that person right away. Whatever happened to being friends first, getting to know eachother first? Before romantic feelings happen?

I guess I just feel as if when i meet a guy out for the first time and he shows interest right away, why? I question that. I believe that he is just like all of these other guys who are trying to find someone either because they are desperate for a relationship, or they think I'm hott and want to hook up.

I would much rather have best friends and be really close with them. All the pressure is off, no awkwardness, no hooking up, none. That's why I can easily form emotional bonds silty females and not males.

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Scientia

Thanks and :cake: to all who have replied so far.

For me, romance means falling in love. And falling in love (in a romantic way) means become kinda obsessed with a person without an objective reason. I suddenly become very interested in that person, want to spend time with them, think that they are amazing, almost as if they were a god (even thought I know that nobody is perfect, I still think that way). I want to give them presents and to do something nice for them.

It sound really silly, but it's all about feelings, and I haven't learned to reason about that yet :redface:

I don't think it sounds silly at all.

I don't think I can give you any great advice. I also freak out when someone I do not know or someone I'm not interested in shows romantic interest towards me. I don't think this has to do with being romantic or aromantic. Maybe you do need to meet more people. Or maybe you actually are aromantic. Time will tell.

I agree.

I'm aromantic, so the most that I can say is that I would not consider anything that I would want in a relationship to be romantic. I would want the same sort of relationship that you say you want, and yet I'm aromantic. I think romantic is some kind of different way of feeling about someone that is not the same as you'd feel toward a typical friend. I don't understand it beyond that, which is why I consider myself aromantic.

Yeah, also starting to think that perhaps what I want doesn't define whether I am romantic or not, which for a long time I thought did which I think has probably confused me quite a bit. :unsure:

I've only recently discovered that I want companionship.

I don't know why, but the thought of introducing someone as my companion, sounds so much better then boyfriend (in my head at least).

Right now, companionship sounds less fussy then romance... though depends if someone has a rather messy idea of what counts as companionship. :unsure: I'll have to think about that one. Anyone else got any thoughts on companionship?

Whatever happened to being friends first, getting to know eachother first? Before romantic feelings happen?

Indeed - saves having to invest a lot emotionally and only then find out that they are not the person you envisioned/have the most annoying habits you have ever come across (or at least ones you can't live/cope with)/etc.

For so long I thought I was romantic and for some reason, that I still don't know, I wasn't keen to give it up - I'm sure film and TV probably had a hand in this - it's the only thing I've ever really struggled with identity wise - perhaps that explains why I wasn't keen to give it up as I didn't have anything to replace that part of my identity with that I felt fitted? :unsure:

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samepage1

I'm aromantic, so the most that I can say is that I would not consider anything that I would want in a relationship to be romantic. I would want the same sort of relationship that you say you want, and yet I'm aromantic. I think romantic is some kind of different way of feeling about someone that is not the same as you'd feel toward a typical friend. I don't understand it beyond that, which is why I consider myself aromantic.

Yeah, also starting to think that perhaps what I want doesn't define whether I am romantic or not, which for a long time I thought did which I think has probably confused me quite a bit. :unsure:

I used to have this confusion. It's all kind of hard to tease out because on AVEN there is a lot of conflating physical interaction with romance. That's probably because romantics do want physical interaction more than aromantics, but my understanding is that romantic is defined by the type of feeling toward someone, not the desired physical interactions.

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ignoranceisn'tbliss

I know what love feels like, and I relate cuddling and talking about personal things to this in ways. But romance? I don't know what this even means anymore. Something to do with chasing after others for attention or something like that. To me, romance seems like trying to impress others. As a genre though, romantic usually seems to imply anything having to do with love. Romance and romantic don't seem to mean the same thing to me. Perhaps romance is the pursuit of a relationship with others and effort being put in with the specific intention of purely strengthening a bond or assisting the pursuit of one. In this sense, I think peoples that have these bonds without romance are the only ones that are going to be able to fully enjoy them.

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silvernlilac

Id say Ive got a massive romance drive...Im always daydreaming about things Id like to do with a future partner like watching the sun go down and sitting out by a lake in the moonlight and starring at the stars. These things never come true though so Im just left feeling unfulfilled all the time. I know you can do these things on your own but its not the same and would just make me feel lonely anyway. To me romance is sharing experiences, just doing things together but in a way that makes the other person feel special and important. Im very drawn towards water, the natural world and the outdoors (and food too :P ) so anything with a partner involving these things would be 'romantic' to me

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Milesian

Romance is very hard to pin down, but for me I don't tend to doubt romantic attraction to individuals. At the same time I'm not sure if you would describe me as a 'romantic'. I feel attraction to individuals and I care deeply for others - I like the way silvernlilac put it "romantic drive", but at the same time I don't exactly fall into the standard category of 'flowers and candy' romance.

Have you been in any type of romantic relationship before or are you coming from a perspective of lack of experience is making it difficult to pin yourself down exactly? You mentioned having romantic fantasies, have you had romantic crushes on people in the past?

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Nymzie

I'm aromantic so I base romance off the movies :wub: I'm a romantic aromantic, in the sense that I really enjoy watching happy romantic things happen to others, but I've never been romantically attracted to anyone, and don't feel the want or need for a romantic partner. Though I have had plenty of romantic fantasies. Mostly proposals and weddings. If only I was a romantic, I would have gone ALL OUT. I picture my future engagement rings more than I picture any spouses ;)

I used to freak out whenever people would show interest in me, romantically or sexually. But since finding out about asexuality and aromanticism its become SO EASY. I just say "sorry, I'm not into boys/girls :)" and that's that.

Maybe you just want a best friend? I know I want life companions, but only as friends. Or maybe you do actually want a romantic partner, its just... really hard for you to find one? I dunno. Have you ever been attracted to anyone romantically?

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Darius34

This one is a toughie for me. I freak out when people touch me, even if it is on accident; like I freeze up and don't move until they are gone. So people think I am an oddity. For me, romance is the cute little things. Remembering your favorite stuff, hand holding, simple kissing, etc. Even though I have never experienced it, and the only time I wanted to I ended up getting screwed over, I still want to have it. Maybe. Sorry...I did not help you at all.

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Scientia

:cake: for the new replies!

Have I ever been romantically attracted to anyone... hmmm... I have tried to think about this and I don't think so.

I've come to two conclusions though - one, I asked an almost impossible question in this post, and two, I think I am aromantic, even if I (still) can't figure the first question out lol. So thank you all for trying to answer my question - good effort all round. :cake:

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Mr. Shuttershy

I can feel you wanting to label yourself aro, but be cautious. If you label yourself, you'll see things through glasses tinted that label, and you may miss out on great opoortunities. Or, you could then be in conflict if you do actually get those feelings. However, it is your choice and will. Please do what you feel is best.

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Bijou

To me, romance itself, as in candles and flowers and…stuff…(?) doesn't really factior in as much as a partnership. I've only recently discovered that I want companionship. So I suppose that the closest to romance is more like snippets from a life together—I see 'what ifs,' and am trying to find a person that would fil the empty spot.

Does that make any sense?

I don't see why not make sense. The way I rode this I think you meant like having someone to be with but not all the time (like having a time together but living in different houses / rooms the most of the time) sorry if this wasn't what you meant. Maybe you'll find that person someday, who knows :)

This is pretty much exactly how I feel. I don't think I would necessarily want to be "officially" in a relationship, so much as I would still want to have closeness with a person. I wouldn't want to have to keep in contact with the person 24/7, but I would want to be able to be around the person when we both would want to. I guess it'd be kind of a more emotional/intelligence-intimate "best friends" sort of relationship. Maybe kissing occasionally, but mostly just being around each other and some hugging. "Typical" romance stuff (candlelight dinners, walks on the beach, etc.) tends to weird me out, though.

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Janus DarkFox

I believe that I'm Aromantic, the only view I have on romance is the old school traditional stuff like romantic gifts and whatever else. 

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