Anyone ever hear of a lithromantic or identify as one?

[Earth Sprite]

Would it be practical enough to abandon the term 'lithromanticism' for understanding it one special type of 'masochism', in fact? (Moral/spiritual/non-physical masochism)? What do you think?

I don't think being lithromantic is masochistic at all. I'm certainly not a masochist. I don't want to be rejected or feel hurt at all. In fact, I can't stand the feeling of being neglected, abandoned, and under-appreciated. I simply like the in-between states of romance. I dislike when my partner fawns over me, and seem to lose interest in relationships I enter fairly quickly, especially if there is too much reciprocated romance. I prefer close platonic and queerplatonic relationships because they simply are more fulfilling to me, even if I do daydream about "true love".

Thank you for your wise comment. There must be different kind of, I see.

I was thinking that type of person, who liked to have a relationship, but his/her relationship is damaged after the other one reciprocating his/her feelings. I wasn't thinking the possibility, that some (many?) of the people called 'lithromantic people' are not that kind of, but they are quite happy with those in-between states only. Is it common?

[Leerkat]

Personally I do have romantic feelings but they fade away really quick and the fact of being not only loved back but loved at all deeply disturbs me and bothers me on a daily basis. I have a high self-esteem though. But I've been in a few relationships and literally the day after I started getting into them I started feeling claustrophobic, permanently stressed out, and when people would talk about me being in a couple I felt nauseous. Everytime I was with the person and they told me they liked my I wanted to puke. It's a permanent state of uneasiness and awkwardness that's not cool to live at all... A bit like if you had forced yourself in a relationship with a person you're not romantically attracted to - when a few days before I was heads over heels in love. It's not masochism at all since I am in pain when the feelings are requited and I do not like it at all. It's just the biggest turn off, all feelings stop at once.

I do not appreciate romance to be a part of my life, I think. I'm happy I found out people roughly felt the same and it wasn't just me.

[squishward]

I had a period of time where I thought I could identify as lithromantic. I'm not exactly repulsed by someone just loving me or having a romantic interest in me, it's more to the point where they could be infatuated with me that would completely turn me off. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I associate infatuation with clingyness/co-dependency/"I can't live without you", and as a highly independent person, those are things that I cannot deal with at all. In any form of relationship, I'd rather have the mutual love between us come from mutual respect, admiration, and support for each other in our independent endeavors. Someone who would want to talk with me all the time, be with me all the time, or want me to be the sole person who fulfills all of their emotional needs is a no-go. I'd definitely get those claustrophobic/drowning feelings. Obviously not all romantic relationships are this clingy, but there are certain things about how monogamous relationships should go about that repulses me.

So it kinda seemed like I fit the other definition of lithromantic being "one who feels romantic attraction but doesn't desire a romantic relationship with that person", but my problem actually lies with the traditional romantic relationship model, which just doesn't work for me. So I am more "one who feels romantic attraction but desires an alternative intimate (and non-exclusive) relationship with that person". Except I can also desire that sort of relationship with someone whom I only have strong platonic feelings for, or some sort of in-between platonic and romantic. It's complicated... :P . And that's why I feel like none of these romantic orientation labels really fit me, because the best way to describe how I feel about people isn't "heteroromantic" or "lithromantic" or "greyromantic", etc., but rather "relationship anarchist".

[Girl Hypnotist Rei]

Oh yay, people posted here. Now I feel comfortable posting.

So, fellow Lithromantic here. I personally can be okay with reciprocated love, as long as it doesn't change their behaviour too much, but I don't desire or need it. I personally dislike romantic relationships, and most romantic advances. (ew) I'm perfectly happy with close platonic relationship thank you very much.

[Quintus Crinis]

The more I read about lithromantics, the more I wonder if it applies to me - certainly I've been known to stop being interested in a number of people once it's known I like them or they like me. However I often find talking to someone about emotions (especially negative ones) can cause them to subside or at least reduce.

The one thing that confuses me though is that I have quite a strong romantic drive and have had a few people I kept having feelings for even when I found out they liked me as well - though I haven't ended up taking it to a relationship level and even run away from that a few times (putting it down to some sort of commitment phobia type thing? - which is certainly the case with some other things.)

Hope some of that makes sense?
Robert. :)

[Kittyhawk]

Thank you for this definition. I recently hung-out with this guy who literally flirted with me for two years. We finally got together on 4 occasions and as I expressed my romantic and sexual attraction to him he shut-down, got turned-off and disappeared. I thought WTF, after two years of flirting why would he disappear. Now it all makes sense to me. I'm just sad for him because I don't think he knows about romantic orientation definitions. He just thinks he has "commitment issues" but if he heard of these orientations I think he would find himself in the definitions. I hope there was more education and awareness on this subject.

[DubiousChi]

Lithromantic describes me completely! Well I just heard about it from this thread, but after researching it I found that I can relate. Whoever wrote their views of lithromantic here gave it a new meaning to me in a poetic way. (I wish I could post it here but I don't want to spam the thread with its length)

[words are futile devices]

Lithromantic describes me completely! Well I just heard about it from this thread, but after researching it I found that I can relate. Whoever wrote their views of lithromantic here gave it a new meaning to me in a poetic way. (I wish I could post it here but I don't want to spam the thread with its length)

Oh crap, that article is beautiful and completely resonates with me. I'm actually considering sending it to this guy who wants to date me. I just sat down with him earlier today and explained how I simply don't want a relationship, period, and probably never will. He seemed really disappointed and confused and determined that maybe some day I'd change my mind. It's like nobody understands that when I say, "I have no interest in dating. Romance doesn't make sense to me," I'm actually being dead serious.

[Mal Makalaster]

I must be the perfect lithoromantic partner. I barely show romance towards other people, so all of your lithoromantics come at me!

[deru gray]

i'm not lithromantic, but lithsexual.

i identify as lith because i think i'm not attracted to any gender but i can be attracted by people no matter their gender and my attraction is only primary (i dont need a relationship or reciprocation, when i have an squish with someone i lose sexual attraction)

[yasirael]

I'm lithromantic, and it was a godsend to find that term. I'd found out about being ace, so I was wondering what my romantic orientations as. I bounced between biromantic, grayro, and straight up aro, but all of those felt wrong. So finding out that other people felt the same way and even coined a term, it was amazing.

[morgaine has won]

Wow. I spent three months learning everything about sexual and romantic minorities, hoping to find my identity resonating somewhere - but nothing fit me.

Let's break this down (for me personally):

You could say that I'm allosexual and -romantic in theory, but asexual and aromantic in practice.

I'm lithsexual and lithromantic.

This means: I've experienced romantic and sexual attraction all my life and quite frequently, in fact. But once these attractions take part in the real world, once they are expressed - by me or another person reciprocating them - they vanish. It's just not appealing to me.

It's not a 'personality'. It's not 'masochism'. My sexual and romantic orientation has everything to do with my identity, and nothing to do with my personality. It's an experience that happens to me, time and time again.

If a person reveals intense romantic feelings for me, my hormonal rollercoaster comes to stop. Even faster when they insist on impromptu emotional intimacy that I didn't agree to. I will still feel respect, or affection. But no romantic interest, just like an aromantic person.

If a person I'm sexually attracted to starts kissing me, I feel nothing, I'm completely neutral. I'm not okay with sex, the idea of another person, no matter how well-intended they are and how much they care about my pleasure, touching me, leads to me feeling like they're using my body for their pleasure, which grosses me out.

(It's like, one moment I'm excited and horny and then I'm like "Huh, touching your skin is as exciting as holding a piece of paper in my hands." Every type of sex would be like that for me.)

Even if I'm deeply in love and attracted to a person, if I encounter a situation in which I'm expressing my attraction vocally or through romantic/ sexual physical intimacy, my feelings vanish as well. Even if they didn't reciprocate my feelings and were indifferent, it would be enough that I had expressed it in reality to shut down my hormonal overdrive. (Tbh I never by my own incentive feel the need to confess. Ever. It's only pop-culture and strangers insisting it's 'normal'.)

Please understand that my orientation is not a trauma response. I think this is how I'm wired. I know of people with horrible trauma histories (much worse than mine) and trust issues on an interpersonal level, who are alloromantic and pursue romantic relationships / allosexual and pursue sexual relationships.

Don't think that I somehow 'crave to be unappreciated' or 'masochistic'. Just no. I very much want to be appreciated and treated with respect. I dislike dismissal by people I'm attracted to. But I want to be appreciated in platonic ways with platonic love and platonic physical intimacy. I don't think a person that falls in love with an idea of me, that is emotionally clingy and co-dependent regardless of MY desires, is in any way appreciating or respecting me.

[puertoricanblue]

i can totally relate to this?

as of right now im extremely confused on my sexuality. i used to have these major crushes on people and it felt like something like love, and its not just like the opposite gender or anything, so for the longest time i thought i was pansexual. and then people who i liked would ask me out, and i got so upset over it! like really stressed out. i liked the idea of a relationship, sort of, in my head, but then when it actually happened, it was like something inside me just shut down. i didn't want a relationship, and the crush feelings were almost gone. for the longest time i thought something was wrong with me, like i was afraid of commitment or something, but that wasn't it at all. once someone told me they loved me, and i felt utterly sick to my stomach. i want to love, but i dont want to be loved back. the thought of a romantic relationship is sort of okay, but i dont like it that much, i dont want it. im not sure if i am lithoromantic, or what my sexuality is, i have no idea anymore whether im pansexual or asexual or what, but at least the feelings i felt of not wanting to be loved back aren't totally crazy.

[princesspeach]

i can totally relate to this?

as of right now im extremely confused on my sexuality. i used to have these major crushes on people and it felt like something like love, and its not just like the opposite gender or anything, so for the longest time i thought i was pansexual. and then people who i liked would ask me out, and i got so upset over it! like really stressed out. i liked the idea of a relationship, sort of, in my head, but then when it actually happened, it was like something inside me just shut down. i didn't want a relationship, and the crush feelings were almost gone. for the longest time i thought something was wrong with me, like i was afraid of commitment or something, but that wasn't it at all. once someone told me they loved me, and i felt utterly sick to my stomach. i want to love, but i dont want to be loved back. the thought of a romantic relationship is sort of okay, but i dont like it that much, i dont want it. im not sure if i am lithoromantic, or what my sexuality is, i have no idea anymore whether im pansexual or asexual or what, but at least the feelings i felt of not wanting to be loved back aren't totally crazy.

That is EXACTLY how I was about a year and a half ago.. I was totally crushing on my best guy friend for about 2-3 years, and he finally came around and asked me out and about 2 weeks into the relationship I didn't really like him anymore, and he told me he loved me really early on which also made me want to puke and yeah, YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!

So I thought I identified as a lithromantic and that I didn't want a relationship, but I've been in one now for almost 6 months and I haven't run away yet so I'm just really confused!! I'm thinking I may be leaning towards gray-asexual and that's why the relationship is working.. but I still don't know

[SlightlyToxicXmasShrub]

I got really excited because I found something that describes me completely!! and I was wondering if anyone heard of being a lithromantic or think you are one?

Basically as a lithromantic, I can fall in love and be attracted to a person but not desire reciprocation. The idea of being in an actual romantic relationship with them turns me off. In fact, I dont even want anything special from them, and I do not need to hear that they love me. I can choose to kiss them, maybe even enjoy having sex with them--but get turned off to know that they enjoy me a lot. Basically I want them to just be neutral with me--like me as a person. I love being around them and flirting and get butterflies when I see them just how anyone is while falling in love. But the second I feel that it's reciprocated, I back away. Can anyone relate?

This is super interesting. I have no idea what my romantic orientation is (and I've kind of stopped trying to sort it out), but the concept of lithromantic as you defined it, especially backing away the moment it's reciprocated strikes a chord within me. Not enough that I'm immediately going to neatly tack lithro- in the place of my question mark, but enough that I'll chew on it.

I think I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship more than actually being in romantic relationship. Which is a bit disorienting.

[sanva]

Discovering lithromanticism recently was a huge relief to me. It fits better than anything else I've thought on when it comes to romantic orientation. My romantic interest in people dies the moment they reciprocate and its caused a lot of tension in one friendship that tried to go further recently. I had to come out to the guy as being asexual (first time I've come out). Even identifying as asexual is also relatively new to me as well as I hadn't heard much about it until the last year and a half. It was such a relief to realize nothing was wrong with me and that I'm not alone.

[piscesfish]

I just discovered the term lithromantic a few hours ago, and FINALLY I've realized my current romantic orientation! What a breath of fresh air.

Before knowing the "official" term, I described myself as something of an "idealistic romantic", and I think that fits lithros quite well. After all, we idealize the possibility of romantic love without ever actually going there.

I do agree though, finding that perfect aro is every lithro's dream

[Guest]

I do agree though, finding that perfect aro is every lithro's dream

Hehe, I sure like it a lot that R., while very loving and caring, is not a terribly romantic kind of woman. The most "classically romantic" thing we've done for each other in our six years is giving each other matching Sheldon & Amy bobblehead figures as presents. :D

[Zosia]

[Warden Tabris]

*raises hand and waves it around excitedly *
That's me! :)
I used to be really confused as to why I would get "so bored with relationships", and would "like the chase(flirting) but get bored once I actually got into the relationship". A conversation with my dad went like this. I'm so glad I came across this term
I thought I was like a commitment phob or something haha what a relief ^_^

i totally just posted the same thing 4 times
whoops

cool thread btw

lots of friendly people

[ShirleyTodd]

Oh my god......... This might actually be me!!! Bless you for telling me about this term, I've been going crazy tring to understand why I always felt uncomfortable being in a relationship!

But now I wonder if there's any hope for me.... I do truly want to be in a relationship with this guys I've liked since high school but we tried to date once and it didn't work out (obviously because of why I'm posting in this thread) but I still have feeling for him and I would like to try again but now that I know i don't really like being in a relationship with people how can I actually be in one???????

As distressed as I am still about this sexuality/romantic business, thank you still for introducing me to this term!!

[warabou]

Oh my god......... This might actually be me!!! Bless you for telling me about this term, I've been going crazy tring to understand why I always felt uncomfortable being in a relationship!

But now I wonder if there's any hope for me.... I do truly want to be in a relationship with this guys I've liked since high school but we tried to date once and it didn't work out (obviously because of why I'm posting in this thread) but I still have feeling for him and I would like to try again but now that I know i don't really like being in a relationship with people how can I actually be in one???????

I just joined this site because I have the same problem. I had to break up with my girlfriend the other day because the anxiety and weird feelings built up to the point of collapse. This is the 5th relationship where it's ended like this--I like the person a lot, we talk, we fall for each other, and then out of nowhere I suddenly feel like they're a different person and I can't help it, and I try to wait and see if it will go back to how I felt at first, but it doesn't, and I gradually distance myself (a seemingly automatic response to the anxiety and confusion). My 2nd and 3rd to last relationships ended the same, but both times after the breakup we got back together a week or two later (maybe due to my guilt/awful feeling and their sadness/longing to get back together--also, I think that after the breakup I even long to get back together, as if I only realized too late what I had and that this person requires another chance). The relationship may go well again for a bit, but then, of course, the same thing happens. And breaking up with someone a second time is just as bad as the first, if not more so.

After half a dozen breakups that all show the same pattern, I decided to look up aromanticism and noticed there were many subcategories; most of them reflected myself alright, but lithromantic set off a big alarm in my head that said "THIS IS THE CURSE YOU'VE BEEN HAUNTED BY". And sure enough, many of the posts here say things that I vaguely knew but could never process completely and put into words. It's hard enough to feel this way, but to have absolutely no idea why or what's causing it, or if you're just a bad person who hurts peoples' feelings (against your own will).. it's just a really awful thing.

I want to be in love and have a girlfriend who is a close and comfortable friend who will be with me until death, etc.--I really do, it sounds like the prize that I want--but it seems like every time I fall in love and I'm so certain that I've found the perfect person, it suddenly disappears and I'm falling into something scary that feels very uncomfortable and uncertain. Based on my own experiences the past 5 years (I'm 20 now, almost 21), 5 girlfriends (and 7 similarly-patterned breakups) later, I'm realizing that maybe I shouldn't date for a while, no matter who I fall in love with (I don't know how well I can resist "the perfect person", though, and they always seem that way at first). I think I fall in love as a "normal" person does, maybe even more strongly, but then there's something a month or two later that happens in my brain, and the relationship feels completely different out of nowhere. I become afraid of hanging out with the person in case they can sense what I feel, because I don't want them to sense it and be really sad; I want to hide it for a while, hoping that my brain will undo whatever it did and I can keep being happy and in love with the person.. instead of having to hold it back until they say something about me being cold and distant, which results in the outpouring of emotions and tears and everything awful about that confusing, frustrating break-up moment. The person did nothing wrong to me, and they're still as great as they were when I fell in love. It's something wrong with my brain, and I know this now. I don't know what advice there is for this, but just prepare for lots of heartbreak and loneliness with short moments of love and happiness and excitement, and hold onto those moments after the possibly-inevitable breakup (and try to explain to your ex that it really was nothing about them or anything they did wrong--that it's a strange, frustrating, hard-to-understand mental thing that you have that makes you stop loving someone you still want to love)

..sorry for the really long post. I meant to just give you some advice but I guess I also let out some frustration since my last breakup was less than 2 days ago and my stomach still feels sick and my eyes are recovering from puffiness. I hope my experiences help you with yours. Idk if you should always say no to relationships, but again, just be prepared that it may end in heartbreak despite nothing being wrong with the relationship

[Bible Scholar]

When I found out that I was lithromantic, I felt like when Hagrid freed Harry from the cupboard, and said, "yer a wizard, Harry!" I felt like such a relief. Like none of the Muggle world knew of the existence of lithros. I felt like Harry, not knowing why I was different, until someone came along with a label and an explanation and a community.

[ghostie]

I'm pretty sure I'm lihtromantic, really nice to see there's more out there!

[bittersweet988]

Hmm I didn't know about this sexual orientation and I don't know what to think...I actually enjoy being in a relationship, but I am definitely great at choosing the wrong people for me :D I mean...I always like people I should avoid from the start because I find complicated ones very intriguing and fascinating. So, it's like a challange for me, I want them to like me and all that, but it is true that once they do like me I tend to lose interest in them So, maybe I am lithromantic? Or just a masochist who can't enjoy anything unless there's some pain and suffering involved?

[alyssasgirl96]

I'm starting to think I'm like this, but I'm not sure. To be honest, I've only ever liked a few guys in my lifetime, and each time ended pretty much like so:

First day we meet: Oh wow he's so cool and cute and he talked to me!

Next few weeks: *proceeds to drool*

Then he either reciprocated - rare, but not uncommon - and I would back away almost instantly; or he would get a girlfriend and I would back off to be nice. And then proceed to not care. Like, my feelings evaporated and he was just another guy.

The only guy this didn't happen to was one I liked this past summer. Basically, we hung out and went on dates over break, and I started to really like him. But then we both went to college, and he never texted me, or even acted like he thought about me. And so because I didn't want to have unfulfilled feelings, I confessed to him, and he gave me the biggest non-answer he could (Something like, "You make me extremely happy; let's go slow.") So then we went on a few more dates over Christmas break, but the attraction just wasn't there anymore. Back in the summer, I liked him so much that I thought about him all the time; but during Christmas, I sort of . . . didn't want to hang out with him, or do anything romantic with him. The magic was gone, but part of that could have been him ignoring and me being too prideful to ignore it. Still, that happened, and I thought I was being weird.

Plus, since coming to college, I've went on dates with two other guys, and both ended pretty badly (though the one is still sort of ongoing, more on that later). The first guy I met pretty quickly and thought he was cute, so we went out; the first date went fine, and I even had fun. But the second date came around, and I got freaked out and acted super weird. Then when he asked me what was wrong, I couldn't explain and broke things off with him, though thinking of being in a relationship with him sounded great.

The other guy I met just a few days ago, and liked him from the get-go because he was cute and funny. We texted all day, we hung out and watched Netflix, we did cute things that normal couples do; but when we started kissing, and he started saying things about how pretty I was or whatnot, I got completely discouraged and felt almost like I was acting. Like does anybody else feel that? Apparently I was really good at kissing; but when I came back, I felt slightly dirty and like I'd been acting out a show, only doing the things I knew he'd like rather than enjoying myself. And then I got turned off and now I'm currently here, sort of avoiding him because explaining my weird, waning romantic attraction would take up a day and a half -.-

I don't know, but relationships have been hard because of pulling away like this. As soon as there is reciprocation, I stop; but I still desire a relationship, just one where kissing and sex and anything sexual isn't the forefront. Like, a guy I could talk to at three AM or go on hikes with or maybe go to an amusement park with; just cute couple-ly things, nothing too uncommon. Just nothing else, unless I really trusted the guy, and even then I'd be doing it only for his enjoyment.

Wow, that was long. But does anyone else feel that way?

[whiteblankpage]

Yo! So I am a LITHROMANTIC!

I promise I am not that weird! :D

The main misconception is that we have a fear of relationships, but that is not wholly true. We simply do not want to be in any kind of romantic relationship; we are healthy individuals who thrive in platonic, friend, family, and any other type of non-romantic relationship under the sun.

Any questions?

[jimerman]

not to be offensive of anything but is there maybe a connection with a comitmentphobe?

[Xavy]

I have thought about this a lot since I first saw this thread and I think i am like this.

[Miav-desu]

This is cool do you want to share how you got into queerplatonic? I made a thread here on the romantic board asking on how people found there queer platonic partner but it dosent seams there been many response?

----

I don't know i'm lithromantic or not. but I can reconise alot of things already been said.

I never had a normal relationship I been in some sort of relationship which was not really relationships for various reasons like us not declaring it so for exemple. I would decribe it as "someone I was seeing" or "someone I was being with" somethimes the people would wait for the next step to happent for it to turn serious and it never did so they moved on found "real romantic relationships". I use to blame myself alot and being told I need to "get over myself and just get into this last step to romantic relationship, but it have taking me alot of time to realise I dont desire those as im being romantic repulsive of people having romantic feelings toward me. Insteed I been most happy in this between face rather queerplatonic and I want that but I had problems finding romantic people satified with this.

-

as said I do not know if I feel lithro or not cause I dont know if my feelings been chrushes or squishes. when I was a kid I would say I had alot of chrushes but now I notice most of those where just sexual attractions or such things. I had a few people I been very drawn towards but again I am not sure of the diffrence between feeling romantic or just really wanting to be there best friends + finding them attractive, So I cant tell if I am being Aro, Gray-A or lithro. I do think I probably have felt romantic love, I have felt some rather heavy feelings as being younger and I think they could go under romance but then its also some time ago and its all super confussing, also since if I have felt romantic in the past but not anymore what dose it makes me?

its all so confussing I wish you could just go to your doctor wish would make a test and then he would say. "sure I see you are lithromantic" or whatever and then sign me up for a local suport group, that would have been pretty easy.