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Demisexual and Romantic Relationships/Dating?


Vayra

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So, I am new here and I joined because I'm still figuring some things out and I've always thought sexuality and asexuality were pretty interesting topics. During my last relationship and my failed attempts at dating afterwards, I started to think that I may be asexual. I didn't even know there was really anything in between or that asexuality was a thing until about a year ago I was complaining to a friend who was asexual (but not 'out' about it) and she finally told me that she was and said that I might be too. It kind of threw me for a loop. But, thinking about it, it made more sense than anything else. Then I heard the term 'Demisexual' a few months ago and it seemed to fit even better, so I've been kind of thinking about that. And I found this site and I thought maybe talking about it would help me... My first thought on how to word it is 'find out about myself', but that may not be right. But it is great to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel. :)

And on to the questions I promised! Haha. I have finally decided to try to start dating again (after 1-2 years not really trying). But, recently deciding that 'demisexual' fits me best, it makes me look at my tendencies in relationships and start to wonder how I should really go about this (all my previous relationships just sort of 'fell into my lap', but I am interested in looking at the moment). There are dating sites for sexual and asexual people, but I fall somewhere in between. I may get into a relationship and it may be a year or two or three before I feel any sexual attraction or before sex, in the context of that relationship, stops disgusting me. And I also kind of fear that it might not happen every time (though I have no reason to believe it wouldn't). So, seeking to date an asexual person seemed a way to go, but there again, there is a good chance that somewhere along the line, I'll become sexually attracted to them and I would feel icky asking for something that they really have no desire for. But relationships where there is very little to no pressure for it to become sexual also seem to be the situations in which I am most likely to develop sexual attraction for someone I'm close to. In my mind, this leaves me between a bit of a rock and a hard place.

So, questions to you guys and gals. I know either way I go, even if I happen to find another demisexual person, is going to require lots of communication to know what's going on with both of us. That being said, does anyone have an opinion on if I should continue to browse 'regular' dating sites or if I should check out one of the asexual ones listed? I really would like to date again/have a romantic relationship.

Also, I've read and I've been browsing this forum, I feel stupid for asking... But, I guess what I'm trying to articulate is... Hum. Will people that know they are asexual, provided they want to date/have a romantic relationship, want to form a romantic relationship with someone who knows they are demisexual/sexual? If this is something discussed early on and they know it about each other before any romantic attachment is really made. Or the same question with people who are demisexual and sexual. For someone who is sexually attracted to you, waiting a year to do anything even vaguely sexual might seem daunting. It seems to me like a set up for more argument than a healthy relationship, but that may just be because my experience in this area has been poor at best.

So, thoughts? Thanks in advance!

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Vayra,

First of all, welcome to AVEN! :cake: :cake: :cake: for you.

Secondly, your mixed feelings and confusion is normal if you're ace. In a world that is incredibly sexual, with it being assumed that we are all sexual creatures, feeling NON-sexual is incredibly confusing.

I'm demiromantic hetero-asexual, myself, so there is still the 'demi' in there. I don't really want to have sex, and to me a good book and interesting conversation will always win over physical intimacy. :rolleyes: However, I believe that a close, loving relationship might be possible with the right person. They'd probably be ace as well, given the automatic understanding between asexuals in regards to sex. Our relationship would be based on a 'connection' - an intellectual and emotional compatibility that is only brought to fruition when we two meet. We may even have physical intimacy if our connection allows such closeness, but it wouldn't be the be-all and end-all. Far from it.

Having a relationship with a sexual person is possible, but there still has to be that 'connection', not to mention a lot of respect for each others' sexuality. The love that two such people have might even be strong enough for the asexual partner to be okay with physical intimacy - but only because it is THIS person and no other. Believe me, I know this. I am married to a sexual and there is no respect for my asexuality. It is HARD being in an asexual/sexual relationship if there is lack of 'sexual respect' on either side. <_<

Vayra, have a trawl through the various threads on the sub-fora here in AVEN. Make a few friends, see if you can find other aces geographically to you. You may even find that the label you've given yourself is not quite the right fit and that you are. Many of us think we fit into one slot, then a little while later we find ourselves saying, "Oh, actually, I think I'm....[fill in with ace-type]"

Have fun in AVEN and even pop into chat if you haven't already. :D

Aspiecat

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Kitty Spoon Train

Hi Vayra :) :cake: :cake: :cake:

This is a very interesting topic. I'm really hoping more people will chime in here because I'm currently going through similar issues too. And it's an interesting topic in general: being in the middle really does pose some extra issues that being solidly sexual or solidly asexual doesn't.

Briefly: I'd been off the dating market for almost five years. It was during this time that I worked out some issues with my past relationships, and traced some of it back to me being demisexual (when I read the definition of demisexuality on this site it was an absolute epiphany!). So anyway, I created an OkCupid profile a few weeks ago as an attempt to get back in the game...

Initially I vaguely described (in some detail) that I have a "friendship first" approach to dating, and want to spend time getting to know people. This didn't work too well. So then I decided to just be totally forthright and put down that I'm demisexual in my profile (OkCupid has a "Most private thing you are willing to admit" section - I put it there). It's early days yet, but I think a very direct and honest approach is best. The more I reflect on the problems with relationships/sexuality, the more I realise that most of it comes from people simply not being open and honest with what they want. It's always easy to assume that "things should be a certain way", but we are not telepathic creatures. This problem is of course magnified many times over by being somewhere on the grey/demisexual spectrum.

Here is my problem: I'm very staunchly hetero-demisexual, but also a huge cuddle fiend. When I have a lot in common with a girl and start getting close to her, I very easily fall for her in a kind of purely romantic/affectionate way. The idea of spending a lot of time together, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, sharing a bed, etc, is very appealing to me - but that affection and physical intimacy is basically like an extension of emotional/romantic affection, not about building up to anything overtly sexual. Sexual attraction and desire take ages to come, and like you, I feel like with some people it just might never come. - So you see, I can conceivably have problems with every group imaginable! The problems with sexuals and asexuals are obvious - but even among demisexuals, many seem to have reservations even about non-sexual physical intimacy, which would definitely be a big issue for me, being such a cuddle fiend. So now I figure the only way to go is to be totally honest and up-front.

Anyway, I'm new to dating as a confirmed demisexual too, so I don't have much solid advice - other than to be open and honest (which is generally a good idea with online dating anyway). Hoping more people chime in with any solid pointers.

Good luck in your search! :)

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Hello, I don't have anything helpful to say but just wanted to add that I'm in the same boat! I completely agree about 'relationships falling into my lap' - as a demisexual I find the idea of dating ridiculously frustrating. I want to meet people in the hope that I will eventually feel romantically about them but that doesn't mean going on two or three dates, that means hanging out for months and probably realising we're just friends! I had OK cupid for a bit but deleted it because I couldn't really see the point.

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Date both groups. Just tell the truth tactfully when it gets to that point with each relationship. IT is easier to try everyone and choose no than to narrow it down and not be able to choose yes to people you never met because you didn't give yourself the chance to meet them.

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defunctAccount

I seriously just created an account to add a reply to this topic, but I am so happy to find out I am not alone in how I feel.

Finding the definition of demisexuality was probably the best thing I've found on the internet and now finding this forum is even more amazing.

I wish I could help give you some advice, but seeing as I've only had one real relationship experience, I don't think I'd be of much help. :T

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  • 2 weeks later...
errorconcept

I am actually also having similar issues with my dating life, it has actually confused a-lot of the women I have been on dates with in general. One of the biggest things women ask is after a date is done or even in the middle of it if they are sexual, "are you by chance gay?, you have not hit on me at all" Which has led to me saying, No, I am not gay. I am enjoying your company and you seem like a great person and you are cute, but I am not just going to be sexually attracted to you off the bat. OR.... I have to fake that I am aroused and lavishing them with attention and hope they don't notice that I am actually not sexual. To boot, I LOVE to cuddle and be affectionate with just about anyone that I am somewhat close with. which confuses them even more.

So I feel you on that issue entirely.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Kitty Spoon Train

I am actually also having similar issues with my dating life, it has actually confused a-lot of the women I have been on dates with in general. One of the biggest things women ask is after a date is done or even in the middle of it if they are sexual, "are you by chance gay?, you have not hit on me at all" Which has led to me saying, No, I am not gay. I am enjoying your company and you seem like a great person and you are cute, but I am not just going to be sexually attracted to you off the bat. OR.... I have to fake that I am aroused and lavishing them with attention and hope they don't notice that I am actually not sexual. To boot, I LOVE to cuddle and be affectionate with just about anyone that I am somewhat close with. which confuses them even more.

So I feel you on that issue entirely.

Now that I've been online dating on OkCupid for almost 2 months and have met a couple of women IRL - this rings very very true...

Before I went into it, I thought being demisexual wouldn't be such a big deal as a guy. After all, so many girls on online dating sites complain about guys being too into casual sex, etc - so being demisexual is almost a kind of advantage. But yeah, the way I am when first meeting new people just reeks of "friendzone" so much that they just can't comprehend it. And one who is highly sexual (eg. The type who would want sex after 1-2 dates) got very confused by my demisexuality. Even though she can intellectually accept it, she still seems to take it personally - and possibly feels unattractive - for not being wanted sexually upfront.

So yeah, I think a lot of patience will be required here. I'm thinking of trying some of the non-sexual dating sites too. There's a massive noise to signal ratio on standard dating sites - especially when you're unconventional like me (ie I'm demisexual and open to polyamory).

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Sketch Doge
Even though she can intellectually accept it, she still seems to take it personally - and possibly feels unattractive - for not being wanted sexually upfront.

I was joking with my sexual friend tonight and said "I wish I could just walk up to women and be like: Hi! I won't be physically or sexually attracted to you for a long time, but will you keep the option of dating me in the future open and I'll let you know if it happens?!"

Seriously, wouldn't that be a great world <_<

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The Bearded One

I was joking with my sexual friend tonight and said "I wish I could just walk up to women and be like: Hi! I won't be physically or sexually attracted to you for a long time, but will you keep the option of dating me in the future open and I'll let you know if it happens?!"

:lol:

This is actually pretty much what I do.

I am introverted, my thoughts and feelings are mostly nonverbal, and I am very aware of nonverbal communication (eye contact, facial expression, gesture, posture, personal distance). When I start "talking" to someone most of the "conversation" is nonverbal. If I connect to the person, we can start to get to know each other. I mostly avoid "dating" because it slows things down. If we become friends, we may start to discuss becoming lovers without weakening the friendship. ALL of this process is primarily nonverbal, at least for me. :)

Seriously, wouldn't that be a great world <_<

yes

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Sketch Doge

Not bad not bad. I might try that xD I'm super extroverted though so I have to figure out how to use my talents in my own way.

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The Bearded One

Not bad not bad. I might try that xD I'm super extroverted though so I have to figure out how to use my talents in my own way.

Yes. If you are strongly extroverted the communication and interaction style will certainly be very different. :)

I was a lover to a strongly extroverted girl once. When we were around other people it was fun to watch her in "action".

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Even though she can intellectually accept it, she still seems to take it personally - and possibly feels unattractive - for not being wanted sexually upfront.

I was joking with my sexual friend tonight and said "I wish I could just walk up to women and be like: Hi! I won't be physically or sexually attracted to you for a long time, but will you keep the option of dating me in the future open and I'll let you know if it happens?!"

Seriously, wouldn't that be a great world <_<

Yea the above is very similar to what happened before I started dating my old GF lol. I am socially awkward usually and I am not very good when it comes to knowing what to say in a timely manner. I haven't really made a huge effort into finding someone as I am...more or less okay with being alone right now, but it was nice before when I was in a relationship...

.

Do girls generally expect the guy to instigate the "do you want to meet..." on dating websites? I have had a few people just stop talking with me. I am very bad about taking the initiative with nearly everything if it involves another person =s.

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Yeah...being demisexual, and having dealt with mostly sexual women, I can completely understand all this. I learned long ago that I simply am not compatable with most sexuals. I don't like dating..I like friendships that evolve into something more..only once I have a very close bond and understanding of someone do I want to have a sexual relationship. This doesn't necissarily take very long, but it takes longer than a few dates. My best bet would be to fing another demi or a non sex-repulsed asexual to be with...but that's easier said than done.

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Sketch Doge

My best bet would be to fing another demi or a non sex-repulsed asexual to be with...but that's easier said than done.

First thing I thought when I read this was easier said then done. I recently talked about demi sexuality and asexuality at my campus' sex and relationship club. Everyone was shocked that they were even a possibility.

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Kitty Spoon Train

My best bet would be to fing another demi or a non sex-repulsed asexual to be with...but that's easier said than done.

First thing I thought when I read this was easier said then done. I recently talked about demi sexuality and asexuality at my campus' sex and relationship club. Everyone was shocked that they were even a possibility.

Demisexuality isn't necessarily such a shock in conservative cultural circles eg. Cultures like most of East Asia, where people are expected to be very slow sexually (possibly even wait until engagement or marriage to have sex). The way I missed that I'm demisexual until 33 is that I had a string of girlfriends from different kinds of conservative backgrounds like that mostly - so their enforced sexual slowness was mostly in sync with my demisexuality and things felt "normal". Now that I know I'm demisexual though (but otherwise very modern, sex-positive, unconventional, and progressive in philosophy) I can see that finding a "traditional" girl who basically "behaves demisexual" is not an option. It comes with too much other incompatibility issues.

So yes, now I know that the best option is to find another demisexual or grey-A. But I try to stay open-minded. :) I guess my only real dealbreakers are someone extremely sexual, or a totally repulsed ace. Compromise can probably be found with the right person as long as she's somewhere in-between and open minded. I'm hoping anyway. Explicitly limiting one's dating pool to confirmed demisexuals/greys is just depressingly far fetched, hehe.

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The Bearded One

Conservative cultural circles, huh? An old friend and I have been trying to describe "good" sex by combining the most conservative social customs and cultural conventions of western civilization for years. This is what we have so far ...

Sex (means pretty much any touching) is "good" only between married couples consisting of a female and a male, and then only to conceive a child. The "act" occurs with the lights out in the bedroom in bed under the covers wearing nightclothes (nightgown and flannel pajamas preferred for the female and male respectively) with the shades drawn on the night of the new moon as missionaries with no kissing as quietly as possible. All other sex is "bad". ...and the children should be spanked?

How are we doing? :twisted:

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