40's

[jcarlson]

@ lanigsy

Depression always makes life a little more difficult. I'm bipolar myself and have had a rough road. Once you have the right tools living with depression can become easier. If you ever need an open ear feel free to message me.

@Dinamyte

Gray hairs are attacking my head and I'm not 40 for another year and 2 months. Feel for you girl, I really do. :D

[tadkitty]

Admission - I'm not in my 40's yet. I'm about to turn 39 in March so I was hoping that would put me close enough within age range to post.

I have to say that when I reached the age of 35 the prospect of turning 40 horrified me. The whole "my life is half over" would run through my head like a mantra. Now that I'm almost there I have found a certain amount of peace with it. I have been through a lot in my life and have done a lot in my life. So much so that it doesn't even seem like it was my life. I just recently came to terms with being asexual which was a big relief for me. Things seem to be falling into place the older I get. I'm becoming more at peace with myself. I have just come to peace with my spirituality as well. Being a pagan who believes in Christ can make you feel very alone. I have now found that this need not be the case. Sexuality-wise I have found a home and spiritually I have found a home. The one final peice to being content will be when I can ditch the second job. I know many can relate in the current US economy - I don't know if it's the same elsewhere. Long story short, I look forward to my 40's now as a time for renewal. Let the troubles of the past remain there. No time for pettiness and all the time to enjoy what will hopefully be a beautiful life. I wish the same contentment and happiness for the rest of you as well.

welcome

[Beachwalker]

I've read in numerology that each person faces cycles, and a major one comes into place late thirties into a person's forties, where there is transformation happening.

I'm near 40 and I can sense a different phase of life upcoming.

I'm looking to save for retirement now, and I sometimes look back on poor decisions.

planetgeorge

Sounds like your life is better now, how did you find another asexual person?

Yes definitely going through some sort of life transformation :)

And welcome to all the newbies, pull up a beanbag grab your indulgence of choice, kick back and make yourselves at home.

[purplesapphire13]

42 here. I dreaded turning 40, in large part because my life wasn't where I wanted it to be and, I don't know, it just sounded old to me. Also I hate the term middle-aged; I still feel young most of the time and I think I look young. I'm not sure I'm entirely at peace with it yet, but some good things have happened. I decided that if I wanted things to be different the time to make changes is NOW, and I have made some positive changes. Also I realize I have to let go of worrying about what people think of me. I won't say that I don't care at all, but I can rise above it more now.

[Tanwen]

When I was approaching my 30's, my pen friend (who's a few months older than me) wrote to say she was thinking of me because she'd found it hard to come to terms with. I didn't think about it, certainly wasn't worried about it. When it came to the 40's I didn't feel any different to my 30's - 50's passed without caring either and when I hit 60 - well, it meant I could claim my State Pension, get a free bus pass and my prescriptions are free.

Things I miss? Being able to read without glasses and walking without pain from arthritis...other than that well the motto 'Age is just a number' is very true.

[Matryoshka]

I'll be 45 in May, I just dyed my hair blue (I've been wanting to do that for over 20 years), and just learned yesterday that what I am is called asexual. I'm also married (to a very patient man) and have twin kindergartners. It's been uncomfortable having people look at me like I'm a freak, and trying to figure myself out. From the age of 20 to 44 I was a member of a hardcore religious cult. I've just left that and it's been a relief, but now I'm trying to figure out who I am and how I want to be and having to re-examine practically everything I believe in.

Luckily my husband is sympathetic. So I'm trying to take care of my kids the best I can, trying to re-make some kind of sane relationship with my husband now that we know what's what in the sex department (or lack thereof) and trying to take care of me in a healthy way.

I'm the one who's stuck in my life and has to live with how I live it. I still wish I was "normal" though, but hopefully there's hope for the future that things will settle down and I'll find some kind of happy medium. Everything's still a bit topsy-turvy right now.

I sure as hell don't feel like I'm old, even though my body is showing wrinkles, I've got more gray than black in my hair (when it's normal colored) and my stretchmarks have stretchmarks of their own.

I just wish I could have had more foresight when I was in my 20's and made better choices. But at least there's still time to make something reasonable with my life I hope.

Sorry for the rambling :)

[tadkitty]

I'll be 45 in May, I just dyed my hair blue (I've been wanting to do that for over 20 years), and just learned yesterday that what I am is called asexual. I'm also married (to a very patient man) and have twin kindergartners. I like comic books, sci-fi conventions and reading fanfic. I also have a pair of troll horns (purple ones). It's been uncomfortable having people look at me like I'm a freak, and trying to figure myself out. From the age of 20 to 44 I was a member of a hardcore whacko religious cult. I've just left that and it's been a relief, but now I'm trying to figure out who I am and how I want to be and having to re-examine practically everything I believe in. I've also lost patience with my passive-aggressive mother who regularly toxically verbally vomits upon my soul (and I'm sure as hell not telling her about my asexuality!) and my father who wields emotional blackmail and emotional terrorism like an art form.

Quite honestly, I'd just rather chuck it all and travel from one sci-fi convention to another. In fact, I've canceled my birthday this year to do just that - I'll be at a Supernatural convention and to hell (pun not intended) with trying to deal with my mess of a family on my birthday. Life is short and I've put everyone else first nearly my whole life - since I was a kid. Luckily my husband is sympathetic. So I'm trying to take care of my kids the best I can, trying to re-make some kind of sane relationship with my husband now that we know what's what in the sex department (or lack thereof) and trying to take care of me in a healthy way.

So screw the Stepford Mommies in the neighborhod (not literally though ;) ) I'm the one who's stuck in my life and has to live with how I live it. I still wish I was "normal" though, but hopefully there's hope for the future that things will settle down and I'll find some kind of happy medium. Everything's still a bit topsy-turvy right now.

I sure as hell don't feel like I'm old, even though my body is showing wrinkles, I've got more gray than black in my hair (when it's normal colored) and my stretchmarks have stretchmarks of their own, and my internal organs protrude through where my abdominal muscles vertically split open from my twin pregnancy.

I just wish I could have had more foresight when I was in my 20's and made better choices. But at least there's still time to make something reasonable with my life I hope.

Sorry for the rambling :)

welcome

[Crazy Cat Lady]

@ lanigsy

Depression always makes life a little more difficult. I'm bipolar myself and have had a rough road. Once you have the right tools living with depression can become easier. If you ever need an open ear feel free to message me.

@Dinamyte

Gray hairs are attacking my head and I'm not 40 for another year and 2 months. Feel for you girl, I really do. :D

Can we not edit out the part of what we are quoting that we aren't referring to? I can't seem to do that... hmmm, can we not preview our post first, either?

Anyway, I wanted to reply to the grey hairs part. Sadly, I was ony about 21 or so when I found my first grey hairs. Mostly they don't bother me. I just consider them shiny and silver (I love silver!) :P

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Things I miss? Being able to read without glasses and walking without pain from arthritis...other than that well the motto 'Age is just a number' is very true.

Ok, figured out a way to delete what I'm not replying to without deleting the person's name...

Ah, I haven't been able to read without glasses since grade 4! Sure would be nice, though. :-)

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Luckily my husband is sympathetic. So I'm trying to take care of my kids the best I can, trying to re-make some kind of sane relationship with my husband now that we know what's what in the sex department (or lack thereof) and trying to take care of me in a healthy way.

Lucky you have someone who is helping you out and will stand by you.

Welcome! I don't stop in often, but am here occasionally, and will offer the requisite while I am here. :)

[Crazy Cat Lady]

And in case anyone was wondering (though since I'm here so rarely, I'm sure it's been forgotten, but that's ok!), my knee is much better. Still working on stairs, though at least I don't need my cane for those anymore. I still use it or a rail if I have it or there is a rail. Still not liking the ice on the sidewalks. Everything melts so quickly, then refreezes overnight. Sigh... Not much I can do about that while it's still winter, though. Except walk slowly and carefully, I guess. I have only a week and a half left of the Handi-Bus getting me to work, but I've been getting myself home ever since I went back, so I'm sure I'll be fine. It's more getting past that mental fear, especially in the mornings when whatever melted the day before has frozen overnight.

[jcarlson]

42 here. I dreaded turning 40, in large part because my life wasn't where I wanted it to be and, I don't know, it just sounded old to me. Also I hate the term middle-aged; I still feel young most of the time and I think I look young. I'm not sure I'm entirely at peace with it yet, but some good things have happened. I decided that if I wanted things to be different the time to make changes is NOW, and I have made some positive changes. Also I realize I have to let go of worrying about what people think of me. I won't say that I don't care at all, but I can rise above it more now.

Welcome! I was dreading 40 (I'm still approaching the big 4-0) until I realized it was a time for renewal. Time to shed the past and make positive changes for the future. The more you look at the positives the better able to accept 40 you'll become. It sounds like you've been doing this so I say Carpe Diem! Be glad you've survived life so far and pave the way to a happy future - not the one you expected to have, but a new and exciting one that suits the person you are now.

By the way, I love your cat picture!

[purplesapphire13]

Jcarlson, thanks! This is my kitty who kind of likes to pose. I have to catch the other one off guard or she runs away. Yes, it definitely helps to look toward the positive and think of a new decade as a chance for renewal. Sounds like you have the right attitude!

[Guest]

Hi everyone, I'm fairly new here and have been roaming around the forums and chat room a bit. I often feel 'old' here. I'm amazed at how many young people there are on this site - but I am happy for them as they are discovering who they are and what they want (or don't want) early on and hopefully saving themselves from a bunch of heartache like some of us. Anyway, I thought this (forum) would be a good place to connect with others that are my age

I'll be the big (dreaded) FOUR OH (40) in July. *sigh* and I feel like I am having a mid life crisis and everything is falling apart. I've been married almost 11 years and have struggled for about the last 5-6 years with sex. I have always done it for him and I feel like I just can not do it anymore. :*( There is more to the story - but that's the short version.

I just feel so lost right now. I'm probably going to lose my best friend, my home, my financially stability, and split up my family (we have two small kids) - all because I can't have sex? I can't even come up with a compromise. Therefore, I can't help but feel so much guilt, stress, sadness and selfishness.

I have prayed, wished, and believed that I could change this / who I am - but I can't. It often feels like a curse. I / we have been to counseling, I have read book after book, etc and nothing has helped.

Anyway, thanks for reading/listening. Thankful to have found this site. It has helped.

[ThaHoward]

Hi everyone, I'm fairly new here and have been roaming around the forums and chat room a bit. I often feel 'old' here. I'm amazed at how many young people there are on this site - but I am happy for them as they are discovering who they are and what they want (or don't want) early on and hopefully saving themselves from a bunch of heartache like some of us. Anyway, I thought this (forum) would be a good place to connect with others that are my age

I'll be the big (dreaded) FOUR OH (40) in July. *sigh* and I feel like I am having a mid life crisis and everything is falling apart. I've been married almost 11 years and have struggled for about the last 5-6 years with sex. I have always done it for him and I feel like I just can not do it anymore. :*( There is more to the story - but that's the short version.

I just feel so lost right now. I'm probably going to lose my best friend, my home, my financially stability, and split up my family (we have two small kids) - all because I can't have sex? I can't even come up with a compromise. Therefore, I can't help but feel so much guilt, stress, sadness and selfishness.

I have prayed, wished, and believed that I could change this / who I am - but I can't. It often feels like a curse. I / we have been to counseling, I have read book after book, etc and nothing has helped.

Anyway, thanks for reading/listening. Thankful to have found this site. It has helped.

I'm so sorry to hear this, it is quite saddening. Have you spoke with him about it, and what did he say? Why would he lose you only because of sex?

[Guest]

Hi everyone, I'm fairly new here and have been roaming around the forums and chat room a bit. I often feel 'old' here. I'm amazed at how many young people there are on this site - but I am happy for them as they are discovering who they are and what they want (or don't want) early on and hopefully saving themselves from a bunch of heartache like some of us. Anyway, I thought this (forum) would be a good place to connect with others that are my age

I'll be the big (dreaded) FOUR OH (40) in July. *sigh* and I feel like I am having a mid life crisis and everything is falling apart. I've been married almost 11 years and have struggled for about the last 5-6 years with sex. I have always done it for him and I feel like I just can not do it anymore. :*( There is more to the story - but that's the short version.

I just feel so lost right now. I'm probably going to lose my best friend, my home, my financially stability, and split up my family (we have two small kids) - all because I can't have sex? I can't even come up with a compromise. Therefore, I can't help but feel so much guilt, stress, sadness and selfishness.

I have prayed, wished, and believed that I could change this / who I am - but I can't. It often feels like a curse. I / we have been to counseling, I have read book after book, etc and nothing has helped.

Anyway, thanks for reading/listening. Thankful to have found this site. It has helped.

I'm so sorry to hear this, it is quite saddening. Have you spoke with him about it, and what did he say? Why would he lose you only because of sex?

thanks for your reply. We have talked and talked and talked - until there are just no words left. He is miserable. He can not live without sex. It is very important to him.

[ThaHoward]

thanks for your reply. We have talked and talked and talked - until there are just no words left. He is miserable. He can not live without sex. It is very important to him.

That is a shame. Do you feel repulsed by sex, is it a way you can make a compromise? And are you willing to even go so far as making him have sex with other women?

[Guest]

I don't think I feel repulsed but I do get very angry when I feel like I'm being pressured to do it. But to him - he feels like he has to pressure me or else I would never do it (which is probably true). I can't even see a compromise - I feel like that would get old to me too. I tried having sex and going along with it to make him happy - but I feel like I can't do it anymore. Where is my happiness? why can't I just be ME. I don't have any interest in any kind of sexual contact.

I have given a lot of thought to an open relationship - and he was quick to agree to that idea (which hurt)... but I just don't know if I could handle that either.

so.... I'm stuck............ and miserable. :'(

[crazy rat lady]

I love being in my 40's - I still feel the same sense of wonder about the world as I did when I was younger but as the saying goes "the mind is willing but the flesh is weak" LOL

I'm not a risk taker like I was when I was younger but I think that's just a maturity thing. I feel confident at 40 and tend to find (especially at work) that I get taken more seriously. I started studying for my social sciences degree in my 40's and am due to graduate this November (yay me!!)

Now I just need to find that special someone who shares my views and outlook on life - someone intelligent/creative who can inspire me and walk with me through this weird maze we call life :)

[purplesapphire13]

Crazy Rat Lady, I definitely hear you as far as being more confident and being taken more seriously. Those are definite pluses!

[Ianigsy]

A bit more about me, then- I've been quiet for a few days because I was away and then had a day in London yesterday.

I think I've shied away from the possibility of being asexual or demisexual because it seemed like running away from experiences in my teens and twenties- basically I went to a very academic all-boys school so only mixed with girls my own age at family gatherings, so spent most of the time from 11-18 wondering if I was gay because all of my emerging sexuality was focused on the other boys around me. When I went away to university I soon realised that I wasn't gay, but by that stage I was very much behind socially with the whole "talking to girls" thing and spent most of the three years falling desperately in love with what I thought were much more sophisticated young women, at least one of whom was very confident in her sexuality and used to take great delight in embarrassing me and showing up my awkwardness. I then spent the next ten years or so in evangelical Christianity (and I do think there was an element of running away in that) although in a small church with no women in my age group (and if there had been I probably wouldn't have been able to talk about emotional stuff to them!).

I believe it was in my thirties that I just started to feel more comfortable as myself, and not using being on my own as an excuse for not doing things that I wanted to do. There's something in me that's hardwired to seek female attention (and probably always will be!) so I love being able to make my female colleagues laugh, but I don't want to possess or control anybody- I'd just like to be able to have a connection with somebody and enjoy her company.

[fuzzipueo]

At 43, I find the world just as full of interesting things as when I was younger, if not more. Having the maturity to appreciate all the information, ideas and wonders available has been great and thinking about how much has changed since I was a kid. It's all fascinating.

I never was all that worried about the whole sex thing (beyond a brief gross out moment when I was 13). It's just did not factor into the life I've lived. No boyfriend and never wanted one really. I did think for a long time that the problem was that I just had not found the right person to spend that kind of time with and that it would happen at some point. It's actually a relief to know that this is actually a common experience and that it's all right if it never happens. I'm more interested in friends with whom I share interests in a wide variety of subjects which get discussed whenever we get together.

So what caused me to start looking into asexuality? Would you believe romance novels of all things? LOL You would think I'd have tripped over all the romcoms and TV shows and the all pervasive commercials which rely on sex for the basis of their stories. But no ... it took romance novels to make my brain go, hey, what on Earth is going on? Here I am reading these books and the MCs are getting into each other and then, there they are - in bed - doing things that I really did not want in my head. For the first time I found I was curious at my reactions. I discussed some of what I was feeling with a (then) new friend at the time and she was the one who suggested that I might be asexual. It's taken me about four years to find my way here and it's not only eye opening, it's nice to find people with whom I share similar traits.

Thanks for list-er-reading my ramblings. :)

[Lacer]

Hi there,I love being in my 40's.I worry far less about other people's opinion of me,I feel far more freedom to be me.I wouldn't mind a companion to share life with,travel with etc that would round things off nicely but I am not holding my breath.I find it very encouraging reading everybody else's posts and knowing I am not the only one out there

[hugger]

I'll be 48 next birthday, so I'm nearer 50 but hey, it's all good so far :D

[futuredoc]

Feeling alot better about my 40's. I found this site and now I can see a whole new world for me. ^_^

[tartanlass]

Hi My name is Peta

Im 46 and new to this forum Ive been asexual for around 21 Yrs recently and a slip and ran out of the room, glad to be on this forum to seek the like minded

thanks for reading

[bornapart]

I will be 41 this year and my life most certainly kicked of on an altered course from 40. It should have happened long time back, but i think there is a time and place for everything. Change started happening when i was 30 but it can be compared to a seed put in the ground, nothing to be seen on the outside. Now it is shooting up and starting to grow leaves. I am happy for who I AM and where I AM.

[Anindya]

Naughty forties it's called, well five years in, it's not for me as I am slowly coming to the conclusion what ails me is actually asexuality as to face it, I lost the big V in my late twenties after experiencing no attraction to the opposite gender prior, but did the deed because of peer pressure and the memory was I did not enjoy it. Then married to the same for ten years where the divorce was caused by lack of sex and seven years on now I am back to the way I was before getting rid of the big V, so it's got to be asexuality, what else could it be ?

I wondered if I was gay and yes I do sometimes commune with a male, about twice a year, the same male for the last five but I never experience sexual satisfaction as I rarely get stimulated and when I do it's fleeting and unsustainable, but the other likes me because I am uncommonly gentle and skilled but I know why that is now, it's the genetics and it's not the hormones as my T levels are higher than many normal males

But the forties, yep I have been born again I am renewed, I know what I am at last and now wish to start living again, but I am having trouble with focus, a mental energy that seems oddly absent.

[Guest]

I will be 41 this year and my life most certainly kicked of on an altered course from 40. It should have happened long time back, but i think there is a time and place for everything. Change started happening when i was 30 but it can be compared to a seed put in the ground, nothing to be seen on the outside. Now it is shooting up and starting to grow leaves. I am happy for who I AM and where I AM.

love this! so well said! I feel the same way congrats for you.

[DirCat]

Are you in your 40's? Do you feel being in your 40's is a turning point?

I am 43. When I hit 40, I realized I didn't really care for sex. I also found I now need to remove my glasses for close-up work, which means I'll probably need to get some bifocals instead. That scares me more than the no sex thing. :lol: