Jump to content

40's


Recommended Posts

@Vicki475, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
VanishingLady

I would say I'm finally as old as I've always felt...but then the goalposts moved. One cool thing about being in my 40s is caring less about what other people think (not much in general, but the few fucks I had to give are quickly disappearing).

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Asexy Librarian
1 hour ago, VanishingLady said:

I would say I'm finally as old as I've always felt...but then the goalposts moved. One cool thing about being in my 40s is caring less about what other people think (not much in general, but the few fucks I had to give are quickly disappearing).

That's true...it is easier to be yourself, the less cares you have about what others think :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel I'm only just figuring out that I'm asexual, at age 40. I grew up in a small village where there was little diversity and a strong conditioning to conform. I've since been living in a city for 10 years, but even so I've only heard about the term asexual in the last few years. That was through googling the problems I was having, and finding Aven. Nobody I know openly identifies as asexual, so I'm still having trouble feeling valid. I'm in an allosexual (if this is the right term) relationship, which I think will end, as my partner is very sexual and obviously I'm realising that I'm not at all. It's very tricky. I have hope that future generations will find what lifestyles suit them quicker, will have the language to describe their feelings, and will have diverse peers around them for support, recognition and validation.  

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Asexy Librarian

@JD5 welcome! Things are changing for the better and I think future generations will definitely feel more accepted and less invisible. There is always hope 🙂

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Does anyone else feel like the odd one out - most Aces seem to be in their 20s and I sometimes feel like it's even harder for us older Aces.  I used to have "normal" relationships.  Well, maybe normal is not the right word.  I am twice divorced from 2 emotionally abusive men.  Had a couple dating situations that ended in with me saying I dont want to be intimate...you can guess how that went.  Lots of people in their 40s never even heard of Ace or being asexual.  I would love to be in a relationship with an Ace...but like Unicorns, we are very rare.  LOL  

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, JenaJinx said:

Does anyone else feel like the odd one out - most Aces seem to be in their 20s and I sometimes feel like it's even harder for us older Aces.  I used to have "normal" relationships.  Well, maybe normal is not the right word.  I am twice divorced from 2 emotionally abusive men.  Had a couple dating situations that ended in with me saying I dont want to be intimate...you can guess how that went.  Lots of people in their 40s never even heard of Ace or being asexual.  I would love to be in a relationship with an Ace...but like Unicorns, we are very rare.  LOL  

I definitely feel like the "odd one out" a lot of the time. I don't date or have "relationships", so my situation is definitely different from yours. I still know what it's like not to fit in. The typical expectation for men to be highly sexual has not been helpful for me....

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Asexy Librarian

@JenaJinx I always felt like the odd one until I discovered the asexual community. Then I had a world of resources and shared experiences at my fingertips, not to mention a community. I’ve continued to struggle at times with the fact that I am aro ace but once I reached my 40’s I stopped worrying as much. I still get a pang of regret when I meet someone who is really cool and would be nice to date, because I am missing out on possibly a great experience, but I can’t change the way I feel so I just push it aside, offer friendship, and leave it at that. Hopefully you will be able to come to terms with your identity as well 🙂

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
VanishingLady
On 11/2/2020 at 1:17 AM, JenaJinx said:

Does anyone else feel like the odd one out - most Aces seem to be in their 20s and I sometimes feel like it's even harder for us older Aces.  I used to have "normal" relationships.  Well, maybe normal is not the right word.  I am twice divorced from 2 emotionally abusive men.  Had a couple dating situations that ended in with me saying I dont want to be intimate...you can guess how that went.  Lots of people in their 40s never even heard of Ace or being asexual.  I would love to be in a relationship with an Ace...but like Unicorns, we are very rare.  LOL  

I don't feel the odd one out in general, but I can see where you're coming from. There are so many people in our age group who act as if anything that challenges "normality" is for the younger kids or unicorns or whatever. They refuse to see what's very often in front of their eyes from people who are in their lives because they're invested in believing that they know what's "normal" and "real". Admit to/to being something they don't "believe in", and you'll see that attitude fully on display.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Asexy Librarian

@VanishingLady I feel lucky that my social group is pretty accepting. I feel like I’m the boring one because I am “just” ace when other friends in their 40’s came out as trans, pan, bi, etc. 
 

I’ve dealt with some pretty harsh treatment, being called gay, damaged, etc. But overall it hasn’t been so bad. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/2/2020 at 8:21 AM, OldNews said:

I definitely feel like the "odd one out" a lot of the time. I don't date or have "relationships", so my situation is definitely different from yours. I still know what it's like not to fit in. The typical expectation for men to be highly sexual has not been helpful for me....

Same here. At 50, I have never been "in a relationship." It was never a choice. I COULDN'T. Was not driven toward romance and sex, and when cajoled closer to such a situation, I'm grossed out and must run. I've been damaged badly by it over the years.

 

Just as for men who are stereotyped as horny beasts, the stereotype rom-com situation where the woman eventually gives in and discovers she wanted love all along has been hurtful and toxic for me. 😕

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Purple Red Panda

Ok being 40 isn't actually any different to being 39 but I wish I could be young again knowing all the stuff I know now, then I could make a completely different set of utter fuck ups.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, AmberUK said:

I like being older, it makes you invisible to men

At least you had visibility. I was always invisible. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Hey there. I run a WhatsApp/Zoom call for Ace women. We chat every 2-3 weeks. Anyone interested in joining us? We’re a friendly bunch of women!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is my first post here, so hopefully I'm not too awkward. 

 

I'm 46 and only recently (the last couple of years) heard the term "asexual" outside of a scientific text. I feel like this comes pretty close to how I've always been but just didn't know it. I've gone to YouTube to try to figure out what I might be on the various spectrums, but most of the posts seem to be aimed at a younger audience. :(

 

When I was in middle school and early high school, I was living in rural America where there was virtually no exposure to anything outside of a "normal" heterosexual relationship. The concept of homosexuality was known, but no one ever mentioned asexuality. It was expected that all human beings were sexual beings with raging hormones. In school, the other girls started becoming obsessed with boys and I just didn't understand what the fascination was. Why waste time hanging out with a boyfriend when we all had hours of homework to do? Why do things that the other kids at school would be talking about, whispering about, or fighting about? The kids who were in relationships all seemed to be too stressed out to do well in class. So I truly did not understand. Grades were so much more important anyway. I couldn't comprehend why anyone would subject themselves to the drama.

 

At one point in high school, my mom told me I should always keep a condom in my purse "just in case" a situation came up. I thought it was one of the grossest things she had ever said. I only had 1 or 2 friends, and they weren't even close friends, and I rarely hung out with them. (I think I went to the movies once with one of them.) I never left my house except to go to school or go shopping with my mom. Why would I need to carry a condom? Why would I be associating with a boy? (My mom also went to great lengths to arrange my friendships even when I was largely uninterested with the people she set me up with. She even arranged a date for me once. I was bored out of my mind.)

 

After high school I tried to have relationships, but they nearly always fell apart due to sex. I couldn't care less about it. But for some reason whatever guy I was with seemed to obsess over it. I guess I was programmed to believe that sex was a required part of a "healthy" relationship. And when I didn't want it, the guy would get upset and I'd end up breaking up with him. This happened over and over. I had one relationship where I made the mistake of moving in with the guy, only to discover he was an abusive SOB that just wanted a live-in sex doll who also paid the bills. (I escaped that relationship, but it left me emotionally scarred I think.) I had another relationship with a perfectly respectful friend that I ended up marrying. I participated in the obligatory sexual activity because I thought I had to. But I wasn't happy and eventually we divorced. The marriage went on for years longer than it should have and I was miserable for most of it, but I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

 

After the divorce I gave up and just assumed that I am a freak because I'd be perfectly happy to never have sex again. Now that I'm single and taking full control of my own life, I feel like I'm just starting to realize what I want to be when I grow up. :)  I recently graduated from college and now have a job in my field. I'm to the point that I can mostly pay all my bills without borrowing. I'm starting to plan for retirement. I have one child (13yo) who means the world to me. And we're doing ok. There are times when I think it would be nice to be in a relationship, but for me it's just not worth the hassle. (I have no objection to dating. It's just the sex part I don't like.)

 

Instead of trying to fit in with what I was told growing up, I have been looking at what might be a better description for me. I am definitely some variety of ace. Maybe gray ace? It's great to find a place like this to know I'm not the only one in the world that doesn't feel like sex is a requirement for living happily ever after.

Edited by -Midnight-
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

@-Midnight-

 

I echo many of your same thoughts and feelings.

 

I am also the same age.

 

The blue print, that everyone was supposed to be following, never made any sense to me.

 

I am thankful for finding this site, and finally realizing I could put down the expectation society had been placing on me.

 

I am glad you found this site, and I hope you make some interesting connections with some of the awesome people on the site.

 

Have a beautiful day. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome, @-Midnight-! Some of what you described is definitely familiar to me. I never really *got* all the hype about sex and romance. When I was in highschool, I didn't know who the "good looking girls" were. I had to learn that to keep myself out of trouble. I guess I just kept my head down until I finally learned about asexuality and aromanticism at age 40 (I'm 45 now)....

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...