I am asexual. I want sex. These are not mutually exclusive in the least.

[Faelights]

I say we start a thread about it in Vis/Ed and maybe use a Google Doc. What do you guys think?

[Guest]

Gonna throw this in here as well, just something someone linked in a discussion group on FB: Inherent Sexuality/Sexual Orientation.

Wanted to bring attention to this, I guess:

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), inherent sexuality/sexual orientation is enduring and also refers to a person's sense of "personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them."

For some reason, I have deja vu though. SM, did you quote something like this before?

I didn't, but that's a pretty cool quote!

[LiteralNovice]

I say we start a thread about it in Vis/Ed and maybe use a Google Doc. What do you guys think?

This is a great idea. Someone make this happen.

[Faelights]

I started a thread here!

[articvibe]

@vampyremage

Exactly everything you've already said in this thread XD.

Please do continue to keep up the good work can be awfully confusing when your just coming onto the scene as an indifferent asexual. Finding the repulsed Aces seem to spread themselves further amongst the forums. Still i do hope some of the newbies can find this thread and read your musings. The exact conclusions I came to myself a good while back now, yet lacked the skill to deliver it so... eloquently to Aven.

Thank you, much cake for your effort.

^^

[test account]

All I can say is, to anyone who cares to answer, have you had sex, and how do you choose your partners for it? There must surely be some vision in ones head about who an acceptable partner is, or one would happily satisfy ones urge for sex with whoever willingly comes to hand, no? Is that what you do? if a physically repulsive person offers you sex, do you accept it? Or is this all theoretical?

[Vampyremage]

All I can say is, to anyone who cares to answer, have you had sex, and how do you choose your partners for it? There must surely be some vision in ones head about who an acceptable partner is, or one would happily satisfy ones urge for sex with whoever willingly comes to hand, no? Is that what you do? if a physically repulsive person offers you sex, do you accept it? Or is this all theoretical?

I assume this is directed more towards those who actually do actively want sex rather than those of us who never experience such a desire. In any case, I feel like answering regardless of whether or not this is directed, in part, at myself. I have had sex before with more than one partner, all except one in the context of a committed relationship. The choice to have sex is entirely based upon being with a loved partner who desires it so, assuming I would not be with someone I considered to be physically repulsive, I don't think it would even get to the point of questioning whether I would or would not be with someone I felt as such towards. For me, its all about that romantic attraction and emotional connection. If my partner desires sex, it is my affection and love for my partner that would compel me to have sex with them and for no other reason. If my partner does not see sex as an essential part of a relationship, if anything that is relieving to me as its one less stress that I have to worry about. So in summation, yes I have a type that I would have sex with and that type is the one I love and only if they see that as an essential part of a relationship. I would never pursue sex for its own sake nor would I have sex with my loved one, even, unless it was at their behest and because they feel it to be important.

[Lady Girl]

All I can say is, to anyone who cares to answer, have you had sex, and how do you choose your partners for it? There must surely be some vision in ones head about who an acceptable partner is, or one would happily satisfy ones urge for sex with whoever willingly comes to hand, no? Is that what you do? if a physically repulsive person offers you sex, do you accept it? Or is this all theoretical?

Yes, I've had sex. Choosing the partner has been done under the influence of alcohol (not something I recommend at all), otherwise I did not really have a vision in my head per se, I just assumed I would know if they were suitable or not. This part seems more theoretical for me.

Now, the only person that remotely has sexual appeal to me is my husband, others are good looking or whatever, but I don't desire sex with anyone else. No, I would not satisfy my urge for sex with whoever willingly comes to hand. If a physically repulsive person offered me sex I would not accept it, married or not. I'm sexual.

I tend to think my husband would answer quite closely to how Vamp has.

[Guest]

I can understand asexuals who would want sex for extrinsic reasons (pleasing their partner etc) but I'd be interested in seeing people answer SGE's question who want sex for more intrinsic reasons. If it's even possible for an asexual to intrinsically want sex.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

All I can say is, to anyone who cares to answer, have you had sex, and how do you choose your partners for it?

None of the women I've eventually become sexually attracted to would have "caught my eye" in the least if I just saw them randomly in the street.

Simple answer: I don't know. I don't have a physical "type" beyond the obvious consequences of being hetero-romantic. I can't directly "look for" sexual partners because of this. It just has to click by getting to know people - who are all sexual blank slates to me initially. This confuses the hell out of women in dating - who tend to expect me to want to bone them ASAP (my minimum click time so far has been 8 months - and that felt rushed).

I'm demisexual.

[Notte stellata]

The choice to have sex is entirely based upon being with a loved partner who desires it so, assuming I would not be with someone I considered to be physically repulsive, I don't think it would even get to the point of questioning whether I would or would not be with someone I felt as such towards. For me, its all about that romantic attraction and emotional connection. If my partner desires sex, it is my affection and love for my partner that would compel me to have sex with them and for no other reason. If my partner does not see sex as an essential part of a relationship, if anything that is relieving to me as its one less stress that I have to worry about. So in summation, yes I have a type that I would have sex with and that type is the one I love and only if they see that as an essential part of a relationship. I would never pursue sex for its own sake nor would I have sex with my loved one, even, unless it was at their behest and because they feel it to be important.

I'm totally the same as this.

[Professor T. Pollution]

All I can say is, to anyone who cares to answer, have you had sex, and how do you choose your partners for it? There must surely be some vision in ones head about who an acceptable partner is, or one would happily satisfy ones urge for sex with whoever willingly comes to hand, no? Is that what you do? if a physically repulsive person offers you sex, do you accept it? Or is this all theoretical?

'Acceptable' in this case for me simply means 'someone I'm comfortable expressing physical closeness with'. It has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with my relation to that person. I'll continue below...

I can understand asexuals who would want sex for extrinsic reasons (pleasing their partner etc) but I'd be interested in seeing people answer SGE's question who want sex for more intrinsic reasons. If it's even possible for an asexual to intrinsically want sex.

I'm an asexual (mostly? I identify as ace and have done so for around 4 years, but don't "perfectly" fit the label because of what I'm about to say) who has occasionally been possibly interested in sex. I'm also aromantic, so everything I'm about to say is in the context of friends, not romantic partners.

I've never had sex and might not ever, which is fine by me. I am curious, basically. I also do have 'kinks' — things I find attractive (maybe only aesthetically?), such as blood and dominance. The sexual things I've done with people have simply been extensions of my sensuality. I enjoy cuddling, and like Riven, I'm pretty much comfortable doing sexual things with anyone I really enjoy cuddling. I don't particularly like being touched by anyone else in any sexual way — it's boring and doesn't interest me or 'turn me on'. However, I do enjoy causing reactions in people I'm cuddling, and that includes sexual reactions. I like being in a position of power to cause uncontrolled reactions, and again, I don't like being touched by them — so it's not really about wanting sex, I guess, just about liking powerplay and liking physical contact.

[test account]

So then, when getting into a relationship, does it ever cross your mind (I'm asking anyone who cares to answer again--and thank you all) that "I'm going to have to have sex with this person" and so ask yourself if there's an ick factor to that? Has there ever been an ick factor for you, and what did you do about it? I'm not just talking about brief dates either, I'm talking about getting to know someone over months or years and gradually realizing that you have something special. Have you ever got to that point and thought "No matter how much I love this person, no matter how much I'd like to have/try sex, it just ain't gonna happen with this one because they are too old/young/slobby/prissy/fat/thin/grungy/sterile for me to handle? Do any of those things actually matter for you when it comes to sex?

[Vampyremage]

So then, when getting into a relationship, does it ever cross your mind (I'm asking anyone who cares to answer again--and thank you all) that "I'm going to have to have sex with this person" and so ask yourself if there's an ick factor to that? Has there ever been an ick factor for you, and what did you do about it? I'm not just talking about brief dates either, I'm talking about getting to know someone over months or years and gradually realizing that you have something special. Have you ever got to that point and thought "No matter how much I love this person, no matter how much I'd like to have/try sex, it just ain't gonna happen with this one because they are too old/young/slobby/prissy/fat/thin/grungy/sterile for me to handle? Do any of those things actually matter for you when it comes to sex?

Physical appearance plays very little into potential relationships for me. I have a light by which I don't have any partners that have crossed or am likely to have any partners that cross, but everything beyond that line is a potential. The line leaves an extremely wide open possibility, cutting off maybe 5% of people, if that. I have been with a variety of different partners who had a variety of different appearances and even having physical traits that I didn't particularly like didn't especially matter to me. That ick factor goes so far beyond the question of whether or not I would have sex with them and right into who they are as a person. Chances are, if they give me that ick feeling, it has as much to do with something in their personality than it does in their appearance.

[Guest]

So then, when getting into a relationship, does it ever cross your mind (I'm asking anyone who cares to answer again--and thank you all) that "I'm going to have to have sex with this person" and so ask yourself if there's an ick factor to that? Has there ever been an ick factor for you, and what did you do about it? I'm not just talking about brief dates either, I'm talking about getting to know someone over months or years and gradually realizing that you have something special. Have you ever got to that point and thought "No matter how much I love this person, no matter how much I'd like to have/try sex, it just ain't gonna happen with this one because they are too old/young/slobby/prissy/fat/thin/grungy/sterile for me to handle? Do any of those things actually matter for you when it comes to sex?

I have certain anxieties about having sex with new people... I generally don't start really enjoying myself until the third to fifth time. Sex with my current partner was exciting the first time because it was so different... she didn't even get undressed and I was totally naked. Now obviously all that makes sense. Anyway, the first few times having sex with someone, I'm typically focused on the mechanics. Any enjoyment I get comes after sex is finished and I reflect on it. At the time, I'm just too focused on doing a good job. So, to answer your question, I always feel a bit of the nervous icks at first, but if it's the right person, those feelings get replaced with emotional attachment and physical pleasure. If it's the wrong person, if I still feel icky after the fifth screw, then I break up with that person. There's just no way for me to know until I give it a go.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Sweet Golden Executioner

My first few relationships (coincidentally) happened to be with women who (for various religious/cultural reasons) were fairly sexually conservative - to the point of either explicitly not believing in sex before marriage, or something pretty close to that (ie Until very serious or engaged). So that basically allowed me to mentally "shelve" the whole idea of sex with them for a very long time - although this is long before I knew anything about demi/asexuality, so this was still under the assumption that I'm just a slow and sensitive heterosexual. Two of these ended up being sexual partners eventually (1.5 years and 8 months after first meetings, respectively). And yeah, for the record: I now know that I'm probably too progressive on other compatibility points to seek out such conservative types any more, and that about the only "advantage" of going out with someone like that is the lack of pressure for sex upfront.

The thought of "I'm going to have to have sex with this person" is basically a very empty one to me initially. Not having to think about it much (as in the above cases) helps a lot to diffuse this indifference. I guess I just know deep down that it's very likely to be something I'll want later based on having a strong connection, so it was never an unpleasant thought as such - but not really something I really wanted to initiate or rush either.

Has there ever been an ick factor for you, and what did you do about it? I'm not just talking about brief dates either, I'm talking about getting to know someone over months or years and gradually realizing that you have something special. Have you ever got to that point and thought "No matter how much I love this person, no matter how much I'd like to have/try sex, it just ain't gonna happen with this one because they are too old/young/slobby/prissy/fat/thin/grungy/sterile for me to handle? Do any of those things actually matter for you when it comes to sex?

Not really.

I've had the other way around though, sort of. I'd gotten to know women in the past who I never would have considered suitable as partners if I just saw them randomly on the street, but getting to know them made me fall for them, hard. For various reasons they weren't available to me, but getting to know them well as people basically "neutralised" that initial physical indifference/slight repulsion I initially had to them. It didn't get to the stage where it could get sexual, but I'm pretty sure I would have been okay with it eventually.

However: The way my romantic attraction works is naturally asexual upfront. It's just not natural for me to think of sex as an important upfront factor in potential relationships. So the above scenario is in some ways not a big deal - because I'm perfectly capable of resigning a relationship like that to a kind of special friendship ("romantic friendship" perhaps) which I can still appreciate, and the lack of a sexual component doesn't leave it feeling incomplete.

Note: I'm polyamorous, so in my mind it's okay to have these kinds of twilight zone relationships / romantic friendships and not have to totally ditch them in favour of one exclusive connection, but I know that most other people can't handle that. So that's clearly stated in my OkCupid profile and match questions. :D

[NamTar]

All I can say is, to anyone who cares to answer, have you had sex, and how do you choose your partners for it? There must surely be some vision in ones head about who an acceptable partner is, or one would happily satisfy ones urge for sex with whoever willingly comes to hand, no? Is that what you do? if a physically repulsive person offers you sex, do you accept it? Or is this all theoretical?

Well, I've been questioning my asexuality as of late due to what minorly seems to be sexual attraction to somebody.

However, my level of sexual attraction is minor and has always been minor or nonexistant, so whether I'm A or Grey, I still feel like I can answer this question.

In high school, I had a good friend who was male. We had a lot in common. I guess he was okay-looking. Everyone, including him, thought we should be dating. We did, for 5 years, and I didn't experience attraction to him at any point.

The few people I've had sex with, as well as those I almost had sex with, all had some things in common: they were my friends, I trusted them, and I was completely comfortable around them. Just because you aren't sexually attracted to a person and maybe you're horny, it doesn't mean you'll pick up gross random strangers in back alleys. If someone seems somehow gross or creeps you out, I imagine you'd turn down the offer of sex. At least, I sure as hell would. Can't speak for everyone, but I imagine that there is an idea of what is an acceptable partner, even if one doesn't think it over that much.

[test account]

Okay, so Vamp has limits on who she makes a friend of, and after that sex is a possibility with any of those people, regardless of their outer casing.

Skulls goes straight into sex and finds out if the ick factor goes away (and I think you mentioned elsewhere that outer casing is not a big deal to you but brain is).

Guz notices people who are not candidates for sex based on outer casing but after getting to know them, that changes.

Amyb chooses from among her friends --any particular ones over others (not based solely on availability or their interest in you)?

Am I right?

I broke up with a good friend who still loves me (and is with someone else now) because his body turned me right off. He just didnt seem clean, you know, even though he bathed. A bit like a scruffy stray dog to me. Would that not turn any of you off sex? I'm asking because of the title of this thread. If asexuality is about having no attraction, then I guess there's no repulsion either? Its all just people, however they come, as long as it feels safe? If there is repulsion, that'd be telling you that a certain standard for attraction has not been met, wouldn't it?

[Lucinda]

I agree with your point, SGE!! I don't know if you meant it as a "gotcha", but I think it is a doozy of a gotcha!

:)

Lucinda

[Kitty Spoon Train]

If asexuality is about having no attraction, then I guess there's no repulsion either? Its all just people, however they come, as long as it feels safe? If there is repulsion, that'd be telling you that a certain standard for attraction has not been met, wouldn't it?

Oh, absolutely.

With me it's like this: if someone truly looks like Jabba The Hutt, then yes, I can tell quite conclusively and upfront that I'll always find her physically repulsive. But as soon as it drops below that very unambiguous repulsion threshold, all bets are off, and time and personal connection can build an attraction. I guess this part is the same as for sexuals, the difference seems to be that sexuals have a clearer and more fine-grained idea of what "physical type" they are sexually attracted to upfront - whereas for me outer appearances (if below that Jabba The Hutt fugliness level) are more or less a blank slate.

Or to put this another way: There is no corresponding level of aesthetic attraction on the other end of the scale that makes me unambiguously know upfront that I would want to have sex with someone. The extreme physical repulsion is something that only works as an excluder, the other end of the scale doesn't work as an includer, if that makes sense?

[test account]

Yep, that makes sense to me.

[Vampyremage]

If asexuality is about having no attraction, then I guess there's no repulsion either? Its all just people, however they come, as long as it feels safe? If there is repulsion, that'd be telling you that a certain standard for attraction has not been met, wouldn't it?

Oh, absolutely.

With me it's like this: if someone truly looks like Jabba The Hutt, then yes, I can tell quite conclusively and upfront that I'll always find her physically repulsive. But as soon as it drops below that very unambiguous repulsion threshold, all bets are off, and time and personal connection can build an attraction. I guess this part is the same as for sexuals, the difference seems to be that sexuals have a clearer and more fine-grained idea of what "physical type" they are sexually attracted to upfront - whereas for me outer appearances (if below that Jabba The Hutt fugliness level) are more or less a blank slate.

Or to put this another way: There is no corresponding level of aesthetic attraction on the other end of the scale that makes me unambiguously know upfront that I would want to have sex with someone. The extreme physical repulsion is something that only works as an excluder, the other end of the scale doesn't work as an includer, if that makes sense?

I think this is a very good way to put it. There is a sort of threshold of repulsion but after that threshold, appearance doesn't really factor into it.

[Guest]

Agreed as well.

[miqui]

All I can say is, to anyone who cares to answer, have you had sex, and how do you choose your partners for it? There must surely be some vision in ones head about who an acceptable partner is, or one would happily satisfy ones urge for sex with whoever willingly comes to hand, no? Is that what you do? if a physically repulsive person offers you sex, do you accept it? Or is this all theoretical?

The things that make me want to have sex with people are broadly speaking the same things that make me want to spend a lot of time with them in general or that make me want to talk to them every chance I get. An acceptable sex partner would be one who was sappy and emotional like me - you know who will see the point of things like staring in each other's eyes for looong periods of time and generally speaking who will be emotionally engaging and expressive. It would also be one who doesn't have rigid expectations for "what sex looks like". I run from anyone who uses terms like "foreplay" or "main event". Also no preconceptions of what I should or will be doing or what they should or will be doing based on sexist scripts. Someone who has sex fluidly and can let it flow naturally, like other interactions, from our mutual dynamics and emotions. Preferably someone very self-aware who knows what they want and what they like and why, and whose 'what they like' involves me. Someone who sees me like a person, not an object or a fuck toy, and wants to have sex with that person. Someone for whom sex is not a performance or a skill.

So then, when getting into a relationship, does it ever cross your mind (I'm asking anyone who cares to answer again--and thank you all) that "I'm going to have to have sex with this person" and so ask yourself if there's an ick factor to that?

This has crossed my mind yeah. Hypothetically, how would I react having sex with this person. But I talk to them about having sex before we have it, to feel more comfortable, to understand how they approach sex and so I feel like we know what expectations we have about sex. That's an important stage in deciding whether we're compatible for me.

Has there ever been an ick factor for you, and what did you do about it? I'm not just talking about brief dates either, I'm talking about getting to know someone over months or years and gradually realizing that you have something special. Have you ever got to that point and thought "No matter how much I love this person, no matter how much I'd like to have/try sex, it just ain't gonna happen with this one because they are too old/young/slobby/prissy/fat/thin/grungy/sterile for me to handle? Do any of those things actually matter for you when it comes to sex?

Hmmmm.... Sometimes subtly suggesting more frequent or thorough hygiene doesn't seem to get the point across and I'm terribly embarrassed to say those kinds of things explicitly. :redface: Otherwise not really. Indifference or attraction. People who I find sexually repulsive are people who I find generally repulsive and try to avoid anyway.

[test account]

So then, if you all have a repulsion threshold, isn't that telling you that you have at least some definable requirements for attraction then? I don't mean to be a smartass about it, but it seems to me that a person who does not experience sexual attraction for anyone cannot be sexually repulsed by anyone either, because repulsion arises when something falls way short of your requirements for appreciation. You may not ever experience strong attraction that you can recognize instantly, but surely it must exist on some subtle level, or you could happily have sex with anyone. Couldn't you?

[Qutenkuddly]

So then, if you all have a repulsion threshold, isn't that telling you that you have at least some definable requirements for attraction then? I don't mean to be a smartass about it, but it seems to me that a person who does not experience sexual attraction for anyone cannot be sexually repulsed by anyone either, because repulsion arises when something falls way short of your requirements for appreciation. You may not ever experience strong attraction that you can recognize instantly, but surely it must exist on some subtle level, or you could happily have sex with anyone. Couldn't you?

I have a minimum appearance requirement for romantic purposes, I'll admit that. But I really wouldn't have sex with anyone at all; it's just too much bother.

[Quiverfree]

So then, if you all have a repulsion threshold, isn't that telling you that you have at least some definable requirements for attraction then? I don't mean to be a smartass about it, but it seems to me that a person who does not experience sexual attraction for anyone cannot be sexually repulsed by anyone either, because repulsion arises when something falls way short of your requirements for appreciation. You may not ever experience strong attraction that you can recognize instantly, but surely it must exist on some subtle level, or you could happily have sex with anyone. Couldn't you?

Not necessarily. I don't get the sense that when people talk about repulsion this way they're necessarily talking about a sexual repulsion - sometimes it sounds like they just don't want to be around the person at all and naturally that includes having sex with them. I don't normally feel actively repulsed by anyone because of their appearance, and I most definitely do feel sexual attraction.

[Vampyremage]

So then, if you all have a repulsion threshold, isn't that telling you that you have at least some definable requirements for attraction then? I don't mean to be a smartass about it, but it seems to me that a person who does not experience sexual attraction for anyone cannot be sexually repulsed by anyone either, because repulsion arises when something falls way short of your requirements for appreciation. You may not ever experience strong attraction that you can recognize instantly, but surely it must exist on some subtle level, or you could happily have sex with anyone. Couldn't you?

The mistake I think you're making here is equating repulsion for sexual repulsion. Let's take the element of sex out of the equation entirely and then repeat the question. Is there still an I k factor or a basic level of repulsion when speaking of purely non-sexual romantic relationships? My own answer, and I would venture the answer of many asexuals, is yes. The repulsion I can experience us far more broad than sexual repulsion, is often strongly emotive and based on much mite than just appearance and goes to the route of what I would or would not want in a romantic partner.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

So then, if you all have a repulsion threshold, isn't that telling you that you have at least some definable requirements for attraction then? I don't mean to be a smartass about it, but it seems to me that a person who does not experience sexual attraction for anyone cannot be sexually repulsed by anyone either, because repulsion arises when something falls way short of your requirements for appreciation. You may not ever experience strong attraction that you can recognize instantly, but surely it must exist on some subtle level, or you could happily have sex with anyone. Couldn't you?

The mistake I think you're making here is equating repulsion for sexual repulsion. Let's take the element of sex out of the equation entirely and then repeat the question. Is there still an I k factor or a basic level of repulsion when speaking of purely non-sexual romantic relationships? My own answer, and I would venture the answer of many asexuals, is yes. The repulsion I can experience us far more broad than sexual repulsion, is often strongly emotive and based on much mite than just appearance and goes to the route of what I would or would not want in a romantic partner.

This.

[Professor T. Pollution]

So then, if you all have a repulsion threshold, isn't that telling you that you have at least some definable requirements for attraction then? I don't mean to be a smartass about it, but it seems to me that a person who does not experience sexual attraction for anyone cannot be sexually repulsed by anyone either, because repulsion arises when something falls way short of your requirements for appreciation. You may not ever experience strong attraction that you can recognize instantly, but surely it must exist on some subtle level, or you could happily have sex with anyone. Couldn't you?

Yeah, I was pretty much going to say what Vampy said. It's not as straightforward and blunt as "You say you have no standards for attraction, therefore you must be willing to sleep with anyone." It's that repulsion isn't just physical and isn't just sexual — I'd feel comfortable being sexual-ish (as close as I get to sexual, that is) with any friend I am suitably comfortable with otherwise. Their physical appearance doesn't seem to factor into it.