Identity_Crisis Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Haha, like my title? Anyhoo, so here's my story, trying to figure out where i fit in... So i've been "sexual" all my life. Attracted to people, dating people, love kissing and i have had sex with someone before, and it was fantastic. It was this guy who i'm still dating and have been for 4 years. I was always sexually attracted to him, and never had any problems in the bedroom department until probably about 4 months ago. I'm just not interested anymore. Not in sex, not touching, sometimes not even kissing. I look at my guy, and yeah, he's hot, but the "urge" hardly ever comes. At first i thought maybe the spark jsut went out of our relationship and it was just time to move on, but I tried and i just couldn't leave him, I love him so much i can't bear to be without him. So what's my deal? I mean, sometimes yes i do get the urges and follow up on them and i do get satisfaction from it, but maybe only like once or twice a month? It's so frustrating for him, and i don't know how to explain it... can asexuality be an explanation for what's happening to me? I'm so confused... Link to post Share on other sites
Eta Carinae Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 You may have turned asexual. Orientation changes seem pretty rare, but I'm under the impression that they do happen. That said, it's probably more likely that something else is going on, even if it's just a natural (if fairly dramatic) fluctuation in your sex drive. Firstly, I think you should tell your boyfriend what you've told us. If, after you've done that, your lack of libido is still considered a problem, I'd suggest taking stock of your relationship and yourself -- make sure you're not resentful of him, for example, or feeling bad about your body -- and I'd also recommend going to see a doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
Orbit Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 The desire for sex seems to fall for many women after they are in a relationship - many people seem to just accept that as the way things are... I don't know if that means all such women are turning asexual though... and it certainly doesn't mean you don't love him or you need to move on to a different person... it just means the relationship is transforming. As an asexual I've never understood the importance of so much sex and arousal in a relationship - but I'm trying to... Why do you want it more? Does it improve the relationship? Or is it just fun? Or do you just want to be able to keep up with your boyfriend? Maybe if you could answer these questions for yourself you'd understand better what to do or not do. hawke Link to post Share on other sites
Identity_Crisis Posted March 4, 2005 Author Share Posted March 4, 2005 Wow, its so strange yet really great being here. I could never imagine life as an asexual, and here people tell me the opposite. I'm gratefull to be here learning with you all :D Why do i want it more? Well to me, up until this point that is, it always just seemed the norm. And I had the feelings so why not. It's not that i want it more, per say, i just want SOME, lol, considering now there is none. Does it improve the relationship? Or is it just fun? Both! I think it is great fun! Mind you, i'm not going to jsut pick someone up at the bar and sleep with them for fun. I think the fun part comes after the relationship part. I wouldn't say that it necessarily improves the relationship in all cases, but it does bring it to a whole new level. For me, with my bf, the first time we had sex it was so meanigful, it was like the biggest action of love. I knew i could completely trust him, with my feelings, my looks, my safety, everything. It's hard to explain... Or do you just want to be able to keep up with your boyfriend? Not entirely sure what you mean on this one, but if i don't want to have sex, i won't. OK, well, i'm lying, but i can only count the number of times i "forced" myself on one hand, not even. And usually even though i didn't want to to start, it just felt so good i didn't mind in the end. :roll: I do feel badly though, because though my bf knows our relationship is much more than sex, well, he loves doing it, lol. And seeing as how we used to be in a very sexual relationship that kind of cut out suddenly i feel bad for him and his frustration with me. And though these were all great questions... i still don't know where i'm heading :S Fortunatly my cousin is a doctor... I've become quite close with her too over the last few years, maybe i'll talk to her about it... kinda scary though, cause no one in my family knows that i'm not a virgin...! Link to post Share on other sites
Concealed ID Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 You understand that psychologically everyone reaches a phase in any such relationship where they stop getting that buzz and start to feel a different kind of 'love.' It's supposed to be after 2-3 years. So it could well be that this is what has happened to you. There's not supposed to be a spark forever, after a couple of years your body stops generating that sexual spark emotion and starts generating a different one that's makes you feel a security rather than a lust. So I woud imagine that this is what you are going through. Some people dump their partner at this point and find a new one, naively thinking that this next person will be better, but then they just end up back at the same stage. And some people understand that this is just the next stage of the relationship. Only you know what you really feel, go with that. Link to post Share on other sites
KidKash Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 You understand that psychologically everyone reaches a phase in any such relationship where they stop getting that buzz and start to feel a different kind of 'love.'It's supposed to be after 2-3 years. So it could well be that this is what has happened to you. There's not supposed to be a spark forever, after a couple of years your body stops generating that sexual spark emotion and starts generating a different one that's makes you feel a security rather than a lust. So I woud imagine that this is what you are going through. Some people dump their partner at this point and find a new one, naively thinking that this next person will be better, but then they just end up back at the same stage. And some people understand that this is just the next stage of the relationship. Only you know what you really feel, go with that. Agreed. This is probably the most likely explanation, although I would not immediately rule anything else out. Link to post Share on other sites
Orbit Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 hawke: Or do you just want to be able to keep up with your boyfriend? Identiy_Crisis: Not entirely sure what you mean on this one I just meant - do you want to be as sexually inclined as your man is so that you both want each other the same... or at least come close. I know in my relationship I would not want to be as driven and aroused as my husband seems to be.... it would be such a distraction! But there are times I think it would improve the romance aspect if I could feel SOMETHING. We have a great relationship as we are, and so do many other sexuals who have lost that spark... I think the 'spark' is overrated, but that's coming from an asexual who has never experienced it, so... *L* hawke Link to post Share on other sites
Identity_Crisis Posted March 4, 2005 Author Share Posted March 4, 2005 Hmmm... thanks for your help guys... i guess i kinda knew that the "spark" would go away... i mean when you meet someone knew you get butterflies in your stomach and you can help but to smile and not stop holding their hand and whanot... that went away a long time ago. I mean, i still love him and like to hold his hand, but i'm not so love-struck-goofy about it, LOL. I guess i just never pictured the sexual "spark" to dissapear... or so suddenly. It's like someone just pushed a button... and i definatly know i don't want to leave him. i don't think finding a new partner would help my problem, i'm not even really sexually inclined towards anyone else. Thinking about it kinda just wierds me out. SIGH. Sorry if i'm whining, lol. I just don't know what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
*a*rteest Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 SIGH. Sorry if i'm whining, lol. I just don't know what's going on. I'm not being snarky, but I think you might be reading too many romance novels/seen to many "chick flicks". There's lust/romance and then there are relationships. You've gotten past the lust/romance phase, now you get to work on the *relationship*. Link to post Share on other sites
The Evil Cashew Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 I don't think your asexual and i pretty much agree with everything that has already been said. you have just reached a new level and one (judging by your other post in "asexual rantings" a level your bf isn't at yet or ready for) other than that the only guess i have are perhaps new stresses in your life? worries? things on your mind? all those things can affect you to. ~Cashew Link to post Share on other sites
shygirl Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 I can pretty much relate to how you are feeling, although I would go as far as to say that i am asexual, not simply confused about if i am or not, and i only reached that decision after talking to people on here. I've been with my boyfriend for a few years and until relatively recently our relationship was very sexual (although i dont ever remember being the one who initiated anything). I've just told him about how I feel and things are getting much betrter now. He no longer gets so stressed at me when I make excuses and try to get out of anything like, well, you know :oops: Anyway, I dont know what to say to help except it might be worth talking to him more. If he knows how you feel properly then he might ease up a bit and it'll give you chance to think more and come to some sort of compromise with him. Dunno, it might work....? :? Link to post Share on other sites
ph788 Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 Or do you just want to be able to keep up with your boyfriend?Not entirely sure what you mean on this one, but if i don't want to have sex, i won't. OK, well, i'm lying, but i can only count the number of times i "forced" myself on one hand, not even. And usually even though i didn't want to to start, it just felt so good i didn't mind in the end. :roll: I do feel badly though, because though my bf knows our relationship is much more than sex, well, he loves doing it, lol. And seeing as how we used to be in a very sexual relationship that kind of cut out suddenly i feel bad for him and his frustration with me. So, i'm pretty sure i can identify myself as an asexual, but im in a sexual relationship and i can definitely relate to "forcing" myself a couple times in those kind of situations, like having sex. and i also feel bad, because not only is he frustrated sexually, but at the same time, i feel like i shouldnt have to force myself into it, regardless of how good it feels. so, i dont have any advice because i haven't quite figured out what to do yet, but its interesting to see how others are dealing with the same situation. So, good luck with everything! Link to post Share on other sites
mouri_shin Posted August 27, 2007 Share Posted August 27, 2007 i too have been there. from what i can tell, everything is based on communication and every situation is different enough to deserve a different brush. ( i won't discuss my experience... it's not encouraging :? ) sometimes one partner (here: you perhaps) may be losing your sex drive to such a permanent extent as to consider yourself A and then your ability to communicate your affections/ situation to your bf will be a huge factor. sometimes the partner will compromise with you and temporarily not try to coerce you into sex until you feel more inclined. (i've found these fluctuations seem to cycle ~every 1-3 months... not so long a wait if he thinks he can keep you forever ) don't forget that stress can totally kill a sex drive and you might not even realize it. so to say you have a 'condition' may not be so applicable so much as you are 'experiencing the effects of a lack/ excess/ or alteration in the regulation of something due to changes in your habits / metabolism. ' (don't mean for that to be confusing.. the biochemist in me came out XD ) Link to post Share on other sites
KetchupKid Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 Out of interest, before you met your boyfriend would you say you felt an actual need for sex, like for example when you weren't dating anyone? Maybe you are the sort of person who only craves sex when you actually get involved with someone to whom you are very sexually and perhaps also emotionally attracted. Whereas your boyfriend, on the other hand, whilst he may still have the "spark" for you, may also have an instrinsic need for sex, in as much as he will crave it regardless of whether there is a "spark" between him and someone else or not. I'm not saying that he is wanting sex with you just because you are the nearest person available (though I'm SURE that happens in some relationships), I'm just saying that there are different triggers for wanting sex, which differ from person to person. Link to post Share on other sites
Jean Grey Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 Because it's such a sudden change and you've been sexual all your life, maybe you should take seeing a doctor into consideration, just to be on the safe side. But very likely you're perfectly okay: welcome to the asexual side of life!!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
Plur na mBan Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 I'll share two things, one of which I can relate to personally, one I just read about: 1) Sometimes with other, totally unconnected issues (like depression), sex drive just goes away, but you may not be able to place why. I'm not accusing you of hiding mental issues, just pointing it out. 2) I was reading somewhere that as couples go along, they usually stop having sex as much, and it doesn't seem to ever have the spark that it did when they were first going out, but there are ways to combat that . . . I dared search for such a topic on the 'net (just imagine the stuff that could've popped up if I didn't know I'd seen it on MSN), and came up with this, to start: http://health.msn.com/centers/mensexualhea...entid=100161792 I mean, that one's about a pill, eventually, but the description still seems to fit, and it links to a bunch of others you may find interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
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