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Asexual Parents Thread


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I think, Anchor, that telling your hubby what is on your mind, and what you think might be the "cause" (although I hate that terminology) of your not liking sex. Direct him to information on the Internet if he is open to such things. My ex-dh certainly was not and to this day thinks we are no longer together because of sex issues. He cannot understand that sex, to me, is so unimportant in a relationship, that that alone could never have caused our split. For sure, there were other issues abound.

Back to your situation. Be aware that your husband may decide what you are saying is hokum, or an excuse to not have sex. That happens a LOT when an ace is telling their sexual partner about being asexual. Mainly because asexuality is still not part of the social psyche. That of course makes things more difficult for aces when trying to "come out" to those close to them.

The pic is sure a cute one, and you are lucky to have such a hands-on father for your child. Whatever happens, make sure your husband knows you recognise his value as a father, as he will equate your not liking sex with inadequacies as a partner (which is nonsense, but sexuals tend to see it that way).

Good luck!

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I don't know how many of you have come across this thread, but it is in a forum that I personally don't go into very often and perhaps some of you are the same.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/82978-a-proposal-for-aspiecat/

I wanted to show it in here as one things that concerns many asexual parents. What if my relationship breaks up because of my asexuality and our inability to find a compromise? And no doubt there are single/divorced aces such as myself. What if I want a relationship in the future? Will I ever find someone to accept my asexuality and my child(ren)? Of course there is the chance that a single asexual parent is not wanting another or any relationship, but many do, or are open to it happening.

I found the love of my live on AVEN, and we cannot wait to start a life together. It is quite amazing to me because not only am I an Aspie (hence the nickname LOL) and am asexual, but I also have a child! Yet somehow I met my lovely DigitalTotem and somehow he fell for me, knowing everything about me and loving me not in spite of the baggage I carry (and hoo boy, there's a lot of it!) but because of it.

So if you like, read the thread. Some nasty posts have been taken out by Admods so there may be the odd post that sounds as if you've missed reading another comment, but it's just been taken out.

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Hey anchor,

Sorry I didn't get back to you here, but I hope you saw I did read your post in the other forum.

I am so happy you managed to do that. It's the first and probably most difficult step. My own (now ex-) husband was NOT accepting and over two years later still is not, but he has to admit it has not damaged our son in any way and that would be the only recourse for my "weird fantasy excuse" being a negative.

How are things now, a couple of days down the track? Have you two talked any more about this?

Aspie x

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Thank you again, Aspie. Unfortunately, week nights are not very conducive to intimate talks. I'm sure you remember what it's like to have a 3-year-old! I'll keep you up to date.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm not in a position to have a child just now, and probably won't be for at least ten years, but I was just thinking earlier, I've been planning on having children ever since I was young, although I never imagined myself getting married beyond the 'Not like that', after watching certain TV shows.

And that got me thinking, how would my asexuality effect my children?

It probably wouldn't- but there are so many little things I just don't notice, in movies etc- and maybe, when I was a kid, it wasn't that I was too young to realize the 'sex' in movies, but that I was asexual.

So, I did some research, and all I found was this thread and this. http://community.babycenter.com/post/a27317011/asexual_parents

All in all, I don't think my asexuality will be a problem half as much as my aromantic orientation- that won't help pay the bills, sadly.

In an unrelated topic- that earlier discussion on swearing? When I was seven, I was very confused to get my english work returned, and being told to take out the bad word. I had no idea 'bloody' was considered a cuss. Seriously, no clue. I actually had to ask the teacher what she meant.

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I was positive when I was pregnant that I was having a girl - I ended up with a boy LOL.

And I really couldn't imagine HAVING a daughter, now! Although I suspect it would be pretty similar to having a son as I tend to treat kids as genderless creatures, especially my son.

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they thought my second son was a girl, glad i didn't buy dresses!

i have a 6 year old niece that i spoil terribly.

raising the boys were so much easier compared to her. (i babysat her while my sister worked) she is much more needy. probably because shes an only child.

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I guess most only children can be hard work. My son, being an only child, certainly only has his parents for company, and as his dad and I are separated, it is definitely a case of being his "bestie" when he's not with friends.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Rainbow,

Four children? Well done you! I mean it - I find it a challenge to raise one child, and you are raising four - amazing!

How old are they?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just waving and introducing myself here :-)

I've just finally discovered what asexuality is and realised that it explains a lot of my life. I'm married (it will be 13 years this year) with two children (age 9 and 6) and now trying to figure out how this new information fits in my life.

Thankfully it doesn't really have that much to do with my children just yet. They are a couple of awesome kids, but realistically they don't need to know what happens (or doesn't) behind mum and dad's closed doors. Like others have said in this thread, I will probably mention it as a concept if it comes up as they are older and learning about that side of life and development. Unless there is a need or it is actually helpful, I don't see any particular reason to tell them that mum identifies that way (In my case anyway, and who knows, that may change!).

Biggest issue right now is getting my head around it and figuring out how to discuss it with my husband. As you'd expect, sex and the lack of it has been an issue in the past anyway, so I don't imagine it will come as a big surprise but there will be a lot to process.

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ace_of_wands

Hello.

I have only one son, whom is 9 years old. And he's been bullied by other kids at school. Today, one of them punched him in the face with a right jab.

Naturally, I am angry at that boy for bullying my child.

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Beachwalker

That sux ace I hope you have talked to the school and are going to get his addressed, bullying should have a zero tolerance policy in any school and your child should not be subjected to violence, it's not acceptable.

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ace_of_wands

I went to the school today, had a chat with the asst. principal. Nobody told her about my son being bullied, when I have, for 3 years, talked to his teachers repeatedly about this issue. Nothing changed.

If nothing happens, I will have to go to the school board.

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crazy rat lady

Okay, I'll start a discussion.

How young is too young for kids to start dating? I've always thought that kids shouldn't date in their early teens, and even mid-teens (say, up to 17) rankles a bit. My ds (12) has been telling me for the past year he plans to concentrate on his education and not date until he's 18 or 19 (hm...possible ace?). However, today at lunchtime a girl in his class asked him to go out with her because she loves his singing voice and thinks he's "cute". :rolleyes:dry.gif

Ds naturally told her he couldn't possibly (as he was too busy hahaha) and even though she started to compliment him on his uniform laugh.gif She finally gave up when he approached the social group he's attached himself to.

I joked about it with him when he told me, and was glad we could be light-hearted about it, but it got me thinking. He's at a new school after being home-educated, 1200+ kids. He is surrounded by peer-pressure constantly now, and although he's a strong-minded kid about his principals, he is already making friends and is bound to be affected by their behaviour, especially as he gets older.

So what age *is* too young to date? And what constitutes a "date", anyway? Would you allow your child to date as young as 12 and - because it happens - regard someone as their boyfriend/girlfriend at this age?

Aspie

I have an 18 year old son who is still a virgin - not because he is asexual or anything; he would love to have a girlfriend, he just says that he doesn't like/respect the girls he meets up here - mind you, it doesn't help that he spends most of his time in his room with his mates playing playstation!! He doesn't drink so doesn't go to pubs or clubs where he is likely to meet anyone.

when he was 15 he had a 13 year old girlfriend and I was very wary - not because I thought my son would do anything illegal with her being under the age of consent and all, but just because I didn't think either of them was emotionally ready to have that kind of relationship. It ended rather quickly due to their immaturity and he sort of didn't bother after that - he hooked up with another girl about a year later who was a bit closer in age to him but that didn't end well either because she was quite promiscuous.

I blame the media for putting pressure on young girls through magazines and tv shows that sexualise them way before they are ready - look at miley cyrus - how many young girls in the pre-teen age group would be watching and trying to emulate her??

I love the book "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf and think it should be passed on to all young girls as a guide to the way the world thinks about and sexualises women. I love this forum aspie - I will be popping in regularly for a chat about kids!!

Laura <:3 )~~

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crazy rat lady

I'm not sure what to say to my 18 year old son who is still a virgin......

My son and I live alone since his father left us 3 years ago. We've got very close as a result and after a year or so of him going off the deep end (drinking and skipping school) I have him back on track and he is thriving at TAFE (which is a technical college for non-Aussies!).

He has never really had a girlfriend. He dated one girl for 2 weeks but she was too young for him and he didn't even kiss her. She was a strange one and didn't talk either so I don't even know how it all came to be!

He has "messed around" with another girl who he did like - but she was too promiscuous and that somehow seemed to turn him off wanting to pursue her.

Since then, he spends his time mostly at home with me, playing playstation and his guitar. For those of you outside of Australia, 18 is the legal age for drinking here so he could go out and go to pubs and clubs and things if he really wanted to but, like me, he doesn't drink alcohol so doesn't go out. We both smoke weed (which I know for some of you will be a no-no, but we choose weed over alcohol and I am glad he doesn't drink - his father is an alcoholic).

He doesn't like talking about sex or dating or anything like that - coz I'm MUM and you don't talk about those kinds of things with your mother!! Although one thing I found out is that the teenagers these days (at least the ones around here) don't seem to discuss sex much and it isn't a "thing" like it was when I was at school and teenage boys would brag about their conquests.

As a parent, I know I influence my son in certain ways. For example, my reclusiveness. He doesn't go out much either - his friends come here - which is kinda cool because I know where they are and what they are doing, but I sometimes wonder if my reclusiveness has an impact on him also. I don't say anything about it like, I hate going out or I hate people or anything like that but he knows me to live in my bedroom, not have many visitors and don't tend to socialise other than online. I haven't really had a conversation with him yet about how he feels about it but I can't help but wonder if it influences his behaviour. When we hang out, it's usually him dragging his playstation, monitor etc into my room and making camp on the end of my bed. It's just a normal part of life for us, but I know living in your bedroom when you have other rooms in the house is a bit strange. I have a lovely lounge room which I will sit in when visitors come - but as soon as they leave I go straight back into my room again. My room has my laptop, TV and everything else I could need so i feel no need to leave it!

I find it awkward to have conversations with my son about dating. He has told me he wants to meet a nice girl and that their aren't any around here. Not that he goes out to look!! He is a sensitive and accepting young man; one of his best friends is bi and he told me they talked about it and set boundaries straight away so that his friend knew my son was hetero and that was all that needed to be said.

As an 18 year old apparently sexual young man, I would have expected him to have had some opportunity to "experiment" - which he said he had, when for his 16th birthday the 'town bike' offered herself up as a 'birthday present' which he rejected because, as he says, she was "ugly and dirty". He has also attended parties where, once the girls were drunk would look for someone to make out with - my son telling me he would push them away. I am hoping this means my son has good morals :) I certainly think he is a romantic!

I'm going to try to broach the subject today with my son because I am now kinda curious as to whether what happened between me and his father, and my subsequent pulling away from forming close relationships has influenced him somehow. I don't want him to think that all relationships are bad or end in heartbreak, and I also don't want him missing out on experiencing life based on my bad experiences (if this all makes sense).

Does anyone else here have teenagers? I find it hard to talk to him about sex - because I don't like it, but just because I don't like it doesn't mean he shouldn't. How on earth does one talk to teenagers about this??

Laura <:3 )~~

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Yes, I belive there are quite a few of us here. I'm older so my children are grown but I am also single.

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Two, both grown up (well as far as boys can grow up :D) and one granddaughter. Been on my own since my divorce 31 years ago.

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Two grown children (one with a disability), one grandson. Been single after divorce for 40 years, but had partner for much of that time.

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Mine are younger too - 9 and 6.

rat lady - it's hard to know of course because I'm not there yet! I always hope I can keep an open relationship with my kids so they feel free to talk to me about stuff, but in the end you can be as loving and supportive as you like and sometimes they just aren't ready to talk to their mum/dad about things. One thing I am doing now is having some good strong adults in their lives who can also build trust with them. I hope that in time, if they can't talk to me about things, they can at least feel there are some safe people in their lives to talk about the tough subjects.

The other thing, though, is that sometimes it just takes time to find the right person. Some kids take the sex ed lessons to heart and really don't want to expose themselves to STDs and heartbreak. 18 is still pretty young - maybe you have a great young man on your hands who knows he shouldn't tamper with potentially life changing activities (pregnancy, disease, etc). A lot just aren't emotionally ready for a serious relationship untli they're older, and some are happy enough in their own company that they don't feel a big push to go out and find 'the one.' Personally, I'd be thrilled if my young man grows up to respect himself and others enough not to make out with drunk girls at parties and accept rides with the town bike!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm not sure what to say to my 18 year old son who is still a virgin......

My son and I live alone since his father left us 3 years ago. We've got very close as a result and after a year or so of him going off the deep end (drinking and skipping school) I have him back on track and he is thriving at TAFE (which is a technical college for non-Aussies!).

He has never really had a girlfriend. He dated one girl for 2 weeks but she was too young for him and he didn't even kiss her. She was a strange one and didn't talk either so I don't even know how it all came to be!

He has "messed around" with another girl who he did like - but she was too promiscuous and that somehow seemed to turn him off wanting to pursue her.

Since then, he spends his time mostly at home with me, playing playstation and his guitar. For those of you outside of Australia, 18 is the legal age for drinking here so he could go out and go to pubs and clubs and things if he really wanted to but, like me, he doesn't drink alcohol so doesn't go out. We both smoke weed (which I know for some of you will be a no-no, but we choose weed over alcohol and I am glad he doesn't drink - his father is an alcoholic).

He doesn't like talking about sex or dating or anything like that - coz I'm MUM and you don't talk about those kinds of things with your mother!! Although one thing I found out is that the teenagers these days (at least the ones around here) don't seem to discuss sex much and it isn't a "thing" like it was when I was at school and teenage boys would brag about their conquests.

As a parent, I know I influence my son in certain ways. For example, my reclusiveness. He doesn't go out much either - his friends come here - which is kinda cool because I know where they are and what they are doing, but I sometimes wonder if my reclusiveness has an impact on him also. I don't say anything about it like, I hate going out or I hate people or anything like that but he knows me to live in my bedroom, not have many visitors and don't tend to socialise other than online. I haven't really had a conversation with him yet about how he feels about it but I can't help but wonder if it influences his behaviour. When we hang out, it's usually him dragging his playstation, monitor etc into my room and making camp on the end of my bed. It's just a normal part of life for us, but I know living in your bedroom when you have other rooms in the house is a bit strange. I have a lovely lounge room which I will sit in when visitors come - but as soon as they leave I go straight back into my room again. My room has my laptop, TV and everything else I could need so i feel no need to leave it!

I find it awkward to have conversations with my son about dating. He has told me he wants to meet a nice girl and that their aren't any around here. Not that he goes out to look!! He is a sensitive and accepting young man; one of his best friends is bi and he told me they talked about it and set boundaries straight away so that his friend knew my son was hetero and that was all that needed to be said.

As an 18 year old apparently sexual young man, I would have expected him to have had some opportunity to "experiment" - which he said he had, when for his 16th birthday the 'town bike' offered herself up as a 'birthday present' which he rejected because, as he says, she was "ugly and dirty". He has also attended parties where, once the girls were drunk would look for someone to make out with - my son telling me he would push them away. I am hoping this means my son has good morals :) I certainly think he is a romantic!

I'm going to try to broach the subject today with my son because I am now kinda curious as to whether what happened between me and his father, and my subsequent pulling away from forming close relationships has influenced him somehow. I don't want him to think that all relationships are bad or end in heartbreak, and I also don't want him missing out on experiencing life based on my bad experiences (if this all makes sense).

Does anyone else here have teenagers? I find it hard to talk to him about sex - because I don't like it, but just because I don't like it doesn't mean he shouldn't. How on earth does one talk to teenagers about this??

Laura <:3 )~~

Hi Laura

I don't have kids, but I was poking around on here and I saw your post. I'm 16, so I might be able to help, but this is just stuff which would work for me - it might be different for you and your son.

-Do it in private. It sounds obvious, but don't bring it up in front of his mates or other family members (grandparents make all sexual discussions awkward!)

-Don't try and talk to him after a bad day

-Make sure he has time for a talk. If he has homework due the next day or is meeting up with friends soon or something he won't want to have a big heart-to-heart

-Maybe have a distraction? Bring it up while cooking together or something so that if the conversation gets awkward or fizzles you can just continue doing your stuff in the same room, and maybe he'll come back to the conversation after he's had time to think about it

Hope this helps! Good luck

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This thread makes me smile. I always felt a bit strange because I identify as asexual but want to have children someday so badly. I used to think that these were conflicting, but I realize now that they're really not. :)

If it's not too rude of me to ask, are the aces who are married here married to a sexual partner? No need to answer if you don't want! Just wondering. I always figured if I ended up with a sexual husband, I would have children naturally (I don't care for sex, obviously, but I can deal with it), or if I end up with someone asexual (or someone of the same gender, I am biromantic) then I would adopt.

Speaking of, anyone have any experience with adoption? I hear a lot about IVF, but it's not really something I'm interested in.

This post is very rambley. XP In conclusion, I'm glad I found this thread. <3

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