Asexual Parents Thread

[paralibrarian]

On 5/1/2019 at 4:18 AM, Nima said:

I'm really happy this thread exists though,  not too many of us aces realised our nature this late in life and have a family to worry about as well. 

 

I'm really just figuring this out now. I don't even know if this is something I've "grown into" or what, but here I am. I became a parent because I had the "normal"/expected sort of life experiences, eg. romantic relationships that included sex, and I know there were many times when I felt sexual desire and pleasure, but I just don't anymore. 

My daughter is 17 and she'll graduate from high school next year. She hasn't dated anyone, but I think she has hetero leanings and has had at least one crush that I know of. But she hasn't dated or had any "experiences" yet. I have no idea if/when/why I'll bring up my own situation with her. She knows it's been years since I've dated anyone and she doesn't seem to wonder about it. If nothing else, I'm modeling being a healthy, happy single person for her who isn't desperate to "find a man". We have a strong bond without, i think, being "enmeshed", as the social workers say, which would be not so healthy. 

Are we (parents) ever going to get our own subforum on here, or is this pretty much it because, well, it doesn't seem that active? 

[Guest]

Not sure if anyone ever reads this thread, but I love to talk about my daughter! Has anyone spoken to their kids about asexuality?

[starweb]

We exist! Hi!

 

My kids are semi-grown and I have talked to them about it in a general way, they know and understand what it is, but I haven't come 'out' to them yet.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, starweb said:

We exist! Hi!

 

My kids are semi-grown and I have talked to them about it in a general way, they know and understand what it is, but I haven't come 'out' to them yet.

Hi!  

 

My daughter is 17, I've been divorced for a few years now and she keeps asking if I'm going to start dating...I only found this site very recently and identified myself as probably asexual. So, the other day I had a conversation with her about whether she wanted a boyfriend and she said she likes just being with her friends. I mentioned that you can be straight, gay, bi or asexual - and she said 'oh yes, I know' and mentioned a friend she thinks might be asexual. 

 

So it doesn't seem to be much of an issue in her mind, also I don't think she's applied it to me. But she's always one step ahead of me at the moment so who knows! 

 

How old are your kids, are they still at home?

[starweb]

My daughter lives in a nearby town, about 15 minutes away. Youngest son lives in another state.  Oldest son is a veteran of  Operation Enduring Freedom and is on disability He lives with us.

 

My daughter is pretty savvy, and has a lot of trans and LGBT friends, so if I ever say anything, it will probably be her first.

[Guest]

On 8/11/2019 at 8:54 PM, starweb said:

My daughter lives in a nearby town, about 15 minutes away. Youngest son lives in another state.  Oldest son is a veteran of  Operation Enduring Freedom and is on disability He lives with us.

 

My daughter is pretty savvy, and has a lot of trans and LGBT friends, so if I ever say anything, it will probably be her first.

It's hard to know whether to tell them! My daughter is always aware of what I'm doing (probably because it's been just the two of us for most of her life) and she does keep trying to see what I'm doing when I'm on this site. She hasn't asked me anything, so I'm not going to tell her, even though I've always tried to be quite open.  I think sometimes it's better to come out with the truth rather than leave things to the imagination, as the imagination can conjure up scary things!! But in this case I feel like just explaining what asexuality is (which I tried to do, and she already knew about it) will be enough. 

 

Her best friend at school seemed like he might be gay (even his mum would ask his friends if he had come out to them yet), so we had a lot of discussions about it. I know her attitudes are all in the right place! 

[cutiepastels]

I'm not a parent, but would like to have children. is it ok if I post here?

I have been trying to get pregnant the past 6 months.

missionary position is apparently the best position to get pregnant but I sometimes find it painful and uncomfortable. so I prefer to be on top. Usually only have sex once a week. but have been trying to have sex at least 2 times a week and upto 2 times a day. I told my bf I need more foreplay even if that is just kissing and massage or light touching.

 

Any tips on how to get pregnant? How long did it take? what position is best? and how often do you recommend to have sex in a week? and does it need to be a few times a day.

 

I am asexual/demisexual. and I also have bipolar which I take medication for, which has made me gain weight the past year. I have tried to lose weight again but it is hard!

Also my menstrual cycle has been a problem since I was a teen - every 2 or 3 weeks. I took the pill over 10 years and quit last year. Now my cycle is about every 3 to 4 weeks (about 25 days).

[Beyourownspotlight]

On 9/16/2019 at 10:29 AM, cutiepastels said:

I'm not a parent, but would like to have children. is it ok if I post here?

I have been trying to get pregnant the past 6 months.

missionary position is apparently the best position to get pregnant but I sometimes find it painful and uncomfortable. so I prefer to be on top. Usually only have sex once a week. but have been trying to have sex at least 2 times a week and upto 2 times a day. I told my bf I need more foreplay even if that is just kissing and massage or light touching.

 

Any tips on how to get pregnant? How long did it take? what position is best? and how often do you recommend to have sex in a week? and does it need to be a few times a day.

 

I am asexual/demisexual. and I also have bipolar which I take medication for, which has made me gain weight the past year. I have tried to lose weight again but it is hard!

Also my menstrual cycle has been a problem since I was a teen - every 2 or 3 weeks. I took the pill over 10 years and quit last year. Now my cycle is about every 3 to 4 weeks (about 25 days).

If you're trying to get pregnant I recommend a period tracking app & using opks. You can buy a bunch of cheap opks off Amazon. And you just pee on them like a pregnancy test but you will only get the second line if you are ovulating which is go time for baby making. 

 

Or sorry for being crass or rude. But sperm can survive for a few days inside the female body. So every couple days should be enough if you don't want the hassle of trying to track periods and ovulation too. 

 

I've a 5 month old and will be trying for a second shortly. 

 

 

ETA-------

we fell pregnant our first month I stopped contraception, so it was a bit of a fertility boost from that and luck I think. But there's no best position really. Just do what is least uncomfortable for everyone. So long as there's an ejaculation & egg. There's a chance. Good luck! 

[Lgbtq+]

On 2/13/2012 at 8:29 AM, Lintu said:

How about this as a topic:

How important do you think it is to tell your kids you're asexual? Is it like letting them know that they have two dads because you're gay? Or is it just insignificant?

I would think that off you are comfortable with telling your child it would be good for them. Many people don't even really understand all of the sexualities and if you were to tell them it would probably be good for them. If someone like my parents had told me about asexuality before it would have been easier to figure things out about myself. I would say that you should do whatever you think is right but it would bit be harmful and found probably help to tell your kids about it.

[Maud]

Hi there, I’m v new here.  44 (nearly!) am autistic, Mum to eleven year old autistic daughter, married and now realise I am asexual.  Can I just ask how ‘safe’ you think the information I may post here is?

[AspieAlly613]

14 hours ago, Maud said:

Hi there, I’m v new here.  44 (nearly!) am autistic, Mum to eleven year old autistic daughter, married and now realise I am asexual.  Can I just ask how ‘safe’ you think the information I may post here is?

Safe in what way?

[nemesis]

I haven't been on here in ages!

 

 

My 18 year old daughter met a 20 year old guy who lives nearby.  He's a nice kid.  He's been to the house to see her 3 times (and they've been talking online for a couple months).  It's actually great for her to be able to socialize in person with someone.  She has pretty severe anxiety and depression (though she's made some progress in the last year).  Ironically after so many years of extreme "social distancing" now is the time she finds someone to talk to offline.  So, she doesn't have any of those normal high school experiences and this is her first boyfriend.  She straight up asked me to let him sleep over.  That was an obvious no.  She'd like to sleep at his house too, still a no.  She's made no secret of her intentions.  I think she's rushing things but I'm not really sure what a normal relationship timeline looks like.  I took her to get birth control yesterday.  I still have work to go to so if she wants to get around me she has all day and no problem.

 

Then I came here because if there is anywhere I might be understood, it's here.  I have no experience with sex and only the most superficial of experience with going on a date (daughter was adopted 4 years ago).  Never fell in love or been physically attracted to anyone.  Never been heartbroken.  Basically, I am not a good source of information.  Also, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable because it's hard to really understand where she's coming from.   So, I thought I'd get advice from other parents that have kids.  Or at least talk to people who know what my issue is!  She does know I'm asexual and my experience is close to nothing so she's not really looking for advice from me here, but I feel unprepared for anything that does come up.  Accidental pregnancy had better not come up.  That would be a whole additional set of things I don't know about.

[taekwondotony34]

So I'm asexual, pretty sure I'm aromatic but not 100% sure. Anyhow, I've been thinking about adoption as a possible way to raise a child as my own. I'm wondering if anyone else has/is experiencing this idea or has actually done this?

[Landis]

Hello, just found out that what I have been feeling all my life is my orientation, something I was born with, not chosen. I am a parent also.

[Loolie]

I'm a parent of 3, two at university and one in school. The older two know I am asexual and took it totally in their stride, as it turns out they have asexual peers.  It seems their generation know all about it. My husband and I have never discussed asexuality in general or my asexuality specifically. Nor indeed have we ever discussed sex although it must always have been obvious I resented sex and eventually after the birth of my 3rd child, I said no more and he's never pushed this at all. I guess I'm fortunate,  everything else in the marriage remains equal. If you can call it a marriage. Here's the twist, we've never lived together or shared a bedroom. Neither of us has ever wanted to but for different reasons. So what sort of union us ours? Atypical, that's for sure but ok!

[SapphireGoddess]

I have two kids who I adore but the thought of having more kids added a whole new level of anxiety to sex on top of often feeling asexual or demisexual with my husband. Someone mentioned adoption and I think about that often as a way to have more kids without using my body to do so. Hubby isn't interested in adoption but not pushing for more kids anymore thankfully. We still have sex but using birth control now. From the female perspective though having a baby, mostly the third trimester when you're uncomfortable and on display and then the birth itself brought out the same feelings i often feel about sex - not looking forward to it and I'd rather not have to do it. Probably more extreme though, more like a sense of dread due to strangers looking at your genitals during the birth and also high levels of pain. 

 

I wonder how other asexual females have felt about pregnancy and birth.

[EnthusiasmCurbed]

My children are in their early 20s so I’m a couple decades out, but I remember a 50/50 experience. I had 5 to 6 months of extreme “morning sickness” with both pregnancies, and the last full month of each being very uncomfortable. BUT, when they moved or kicked in the womb, I was the only person on earth who was experiencing that with that tiny human that I was creating. Someone can feel on the surface but it isn’t the same, not even close. And I’m the only person who has the level of bonding with each that comes from nursing them. And I’m their only mother and the love I feel for them is unlike any other. They are part of me and I would do anything for them and they’re endlessly frustrating and puzzling. Constant commitment and constant reward. The little sh*ts test me every day, even as “adults” (they are millennials, after all).

As for the deliveries themselves, I accepted them as medical procedures completely removed from my specific anatomy. The healthcare providers see it scientifically/medically so I did, too. They even had a gaggle of med students tromp through at some point during my first delivery. Medical procedure in front of 10 didn’t bother me anywhere near as much a sexual experience with one. And I took the epidural on delivery 2 which was was a great relief from the pain.

To be fair, 2 pregnancies was my limit. I may have adopted more in my past life, and I may foster more in the future, but I’m fulfilled for now.

A mother’s commitment to a child is for-ev-er, so only do what you want and what are able to do!

🤍 much love

Edited January 3, 2021 by EnthusiasmCurbed
Grammar

[Cakes]

Hi. I'm a parent to two. Their dad isn't involved in their lives as much (he does distant/phone parenting 😅). Has anyone who's ace managed to get together with another ace? Perhaps to parent together? 

Or just for each other?

[meggles]

On 8/10/2019 at 9:34 AM, starweb said:

We exist! Hi!

 

My kids are semi-grown and I have talked to them about it in a general way, they know and understand what it is, but I haven't come 'out' to them yet.

My kiddo is a preteen and her understanding of adults and relationships right now has been explained as such--

 

Please come to me with questions as they arise and I will point you in the direction of materials that I believe are age appropriate and accurate, as she probably won't get accurate info from friends or at school. We don't touch people unless they want to be touched, and no one should touch you unless you want to be touched. She's a bit confused by transgender at the moment but she knows it exists and that trans people deserve acceptance. I explained that most boys like girls and most girls like boys, but some people like both boys and girls, some boys like boys, some girls like girls, and some people don't want to be in a relationship like that at all... and that all of these things are perfectly normal and ok, as long as it's something both people want.

[Hyui]

Hi, I’m also a parent. My eldest is 22 and my youngest is 2. I didn’t even know Asexuality was a “thing” until last year. I’d already fled another disastrous relationship and then stumbled across AVEN. I’ve not outed myself to many people, just a select few siblings and my eldest. 
My wee boy is seriously pulling out all the stops on making life interesting during our third lockdown, but as annoying as he can be (yes, he did colour my walls, doors and cupboards with a blue crayon - I think I was making dinner); he’s also my sanity and reason for even getting out of bed. 
I would hope that as knowledge of Asexuality starts to filter through to everyday life, we’ll find more people recognising themselves, and probably a lot of older folk (like me) with complicated histories and family situations rocking up to the party. 
So far, I haven’t come across any negative reactions to my being both asexual and a parent. Maybe I’ve just been lucky, or maybe people are generally understanding that not everyone has the same path to Asexuality. Some find it young and are confident in their identity early on. Some take a longer, bumpier route. Both are equally valid and equally fine. 
It’s certainly good to have the conversation out there ! 

[CoffeeSloth]

Hey! 

 

I'm relatively new and I'm a parent of one. I was previously married to mini's dad but we split years ago. Recently split from long term relationship of 5 years. I just wanted to be on my own. For years I've struggle to find an accurate description for my sexuality nothing quite fitted and it always felt like I was missing something.. I'm panromantic grey asexual.

 

Anyway just wanted to say hello to everyone 😊

 

[DemonicEnby]

Hy

 

Yes, we do indeed exist. I myself am parent to a nine year old son (for now, whatever comes later down the road) and realised being non binary, panromantic and grey sexual.

Family situations are complex as I myself still have a kind of patchwork family with the father of said child though being divorced for eight years. And that is just the surface of things. 

[Vivera]

On 1/18/2021 at 5:47 AM, Eff said:

Hi. I'm a parent to two. Their dad isn't involved in their lives as much (he does distant/phone parenting 😅). Has anyone who's ace managed to get together with another ace? Perhaps to parent together? 

Or just for each other?

@Eff While I don't have a child of my own yet, I plan to start the process of becoming a parent through a sperm donor in the next few months. I live with my friends (a married couple) who have an 8 month old baby, and we are planning to raise our children together. Assuming things go smoothly and I am able to have a child on my own, I'll be a single mother with more social support than the traditional two-parent family! 

[CephalopodFan]

Hi!  I am a parent to two elementary aged children and split from their father five years ago and I only recently realized I was grey ace (grace?)

[DemonicEnby]

Welcome to the community @CephalopodFan. Nice to meet you. 

[SoulSinger7]

Just wondering whether anyone in this thread has had children other than by ‘conventional’ methods? I do want to have children, but I don’t want to have sex. I’ve started discussing it with my best friend, who is also not heteronormative but who I have an amazing platonic relationship with. We’d probably be thinking about artificial insemination. This is something that’s really on my heart but I’m also wanting to be practical…

[TPninefour]

As someone who is coming to terms with being asexual after being married for 3 years and having a 4 month old, I feel this thread is super important for those seeking support. 

[Iceberry]

On 9/5/2021 at 12:29 AM, TPninefour said:

As someone who is coming to terms with being asexual after being married for 3 years and having a 4 month old, I feel this thread is super important for those seeking support. 

Hi! Mum of two divorced now. I also realised when I was married that this was the case.. I think I had a guess before hand but I just was not sure 

[Iceberry]

On 8/14/2021 at 8:15 PM, SoulSinger7 said:

Just wondering whether anyone in this thread has had children other than by ‘conventional’ methods? I do want to have children, but I don’t want to have sex. I’ve started discussing it with my best friend, who is also not heteronormative but who I have an amazing platonic relationship with. We’d probably be thinking about artificial insemination. This is something that’s really on my heart but I’m also wanting to be practical…

Hi.. I was trying for my third via IUI which did not work then I tried IVF with sperm donor.. It did not happy for me yet so took a break but happy to answer any questions. 

[Its okay to be ace]

I'm asexual and I love kids I'm a step mom and the dr. said I had a miscarriage sometimes people try to tell me that I'm not a mom and when I first came out to my mom she thought that asexuals were people who didn't want to have babies so I explained asexuality and I got her to understand that just because someone is asexual doesn't mean that they don't want kids