Fictacello Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Hi guys. I'm 51 (will be 52 in a few weeks) and have been married 24 years and have a 19 y.o. daughter. She tells me she's not asexual, but she hasn't met anyone she's interested in. I know I myself am - never was very interested - was a virgin despite dating until in grad school and was always much more interested in spending time with someone that was a good storyteller than in being intimate. Wasn't sure I was even straight, but never sought out a female partner, either. The guy that claimed my virginity (I was in my mid-20s) told me he wasn't surprised that I was thinking I might be gay because I was still a virgin. To this day I find anything beyond a friendly hug to be kinda gross (like kissing). Haven't had sex in half a dozen years now, and before that it more often consisted of a hand job to finish spouse off (I was really starting to resent the feeling of obligation, too). I'm thinking now that my letting myself get morbidly obese was just a way to keep from having to deal with anyone finding me sexually attractive. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 It's a sad story of yet another young person being under pressure to be sexually active. I love how I'm 51 and no one ever thinks of me in connection with sex. Welcome to AVEN and enjoy your time here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
InariYana Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Hello, mother of one here my daughter is almost 12 and soon she'll be taller than me and I bet she'll try to pat me on the head whenever she gets the chance (just noticed I posted here before, oops! sorry) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LemonTheDestroyer Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Hey! I just joined yesterday and am so glad this id's one of the first threads I found! I am 22 and have 2 daughters who are 1 and (almost) 3. No one I've told has quite understood my want for children and my being asexual (I have been told many times I can't be asexual since i have kids lol) but I haven't had sex since my youngest was concieved and am totally happy with that. I'm always wanting to talk about them, so this is perfect! 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Welcome @LemonTheDestroyer! Have some . You're not alone, as a mum of a 26 year old (now, you can total up how many sexless years I've had!), I find it very understandable. As you will see from around the forums, there are quite a few aces with children, and some in relationships as well, I found that once I got rid of the distraction of having a bad marriage, I could focus on her welfare and make a success for her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I'm asexual and both my kids are grown. They don't know, though. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Sexual, father of three, wife realised she is asexual 10years after first child. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DesiButters519x Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I am not a parent, I am in my early 20's but I find this so fascinating, and reading some stories here truly puts a smile on my face. I long to be a parent one day, despite being asexual, it's my dream, and I often find myself daydreaming of the day I will get to hold my own child, hear he/she call me mommy, seeing my baby take their first step. I do wonder what it would be like, being an asexual parent. I can see why many parents here want to talk about their children, and it sucks that you are judged just because your ace and have kids. So what? I mean just because you're asexual doesn't mean you can't be a parent. If you're ace and don't wanna have kids, fine, but don't judge someone else if they have kids. We are supposed to be a community who loves and respects each other, and given that our group is small, being so negative isn't helping the ace community, things like that only make things worse. I may be young and I may not be a parent, but I love the idea of this thread and reading about other ace's expriences as parents is truly heart warming and I hope that one day I too can join the convo as a parent, but for now hearing you all and hey... some advice would be nice too^^ lol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Aronoce Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) . Edited February 20, 2021 by Bilge Deleted Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Aronoce Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) . Edited February 20, 2021 by Bilge Deleted Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I don't think a sexual orientation could be described as a genetic disorder really, any more than a heterosexual /homosexual orientation. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SarahN Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Hello all! I have 3 sons.....we stay busy! 😅 great to see other parents! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Light18 Posted December 4, 2017 Share Posted December 4, 2017 I have a 5yo and am so glad this thread exists. I always knew I wanted a child, but even in high school, my vision involved me being a single mom because I guess I never really wanted the sex part. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive but we had the one and that was it. Think we had more sex trying to conceive than any other time in our relationship. But I was tracking my basal temp and everything so for me, it was a means to an end. Question for anyone that wants to respond: did you know you were ace before you were a parent? It might be because I am mid30s, but I did not know of such a thing and just thought I was broken for so long. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LoopingBear Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 I have two kids - 7 and 9. I had them because I wanted kids although it turns out I’m not actually that maternal! I still love them deeply though. This is a great thread to have as for Light18’s question - I knew I was different but I didn’t know asexuality was a thing until very recently. Like you I just thought I was broken. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 I just had a though. When my daughter began to express an interest in sex, at the age of 13, I was horrified! Not at the person she was interested in, who was at school with her, but at the fact she was even interested at all! I'd forgotten all about sex by that time and I had a lot of shock, realising she wasn't going to be like me....now, she says she hasn't made her mind up about herself yet anyway, so maybe there's a bit of me in her after all! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Light18 Posted December 10, 2017 Share Posted December 10, 2017 On December 9, 2017 at 2:25 AM, chandrakirti said: I just had a though. When my daughter began to express an interest in sex, at the age of 13, I was horrified! Not at the person she was interested in, who was at school with her, but at the fact she was even interested at all! I'd forgotten all about sex by that time and I had a lot of shock, realising she wasn't going to be like me....now, she says she hasn't made her mind up about herself yet anyway, so maybe there's a bit of me in her after all! I hadn't thought about that in much yet. My step-daughter is almost 13 but hasn't really spoken about crushes or anything yet. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Coffee Bean Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 I'm mostly inactive on these forums, but follow this thread through email updates and wanted to pop in to say hi to the newcomers. It's nice to see some activity again. I've got 3 daughters, so I know I'm in for a tough time later when they start becoming hormonal and interested in sex, but have no idea how I'm going to approach the subject (thankfully I've got time as the oldest in only in kindy). I know I can't control their actions when the time comes, but to be perfectly honest, my perfect scenario involves them waiting until they're adults to make that decision like I did. I was admittedly an (still am) introverted anime and game nerd though, so... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
zonavar69 Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 I consider myself asexual and I'm a parent with 3 teenagers (to ex partner) and one new 4 month old with my current partner. She and I have not been intimate at all since the birth, and during the pregnancy I think once we tried it and I felt awful. Over the last two years I could could the number of times my partner and I have been intimate on one hand. I'm abjectly frightened of sex and haven't a clue where to start. I feel that sex for me is not an important part of normal life even though I know I 'miss out' on a lot of normal adult stuff because of that. I don't know why. I've been un-sexual (there's a new word!) since my teens. I never had any sexual interest at all in high school or through university. As a parent it makes things somewhat tricky as I've never been married, and had less partners than fingers on one hand, so I consider myself not only un-sexual but massively inexperienced at the same time, so it all could feed into the anxiety and fear of intimacy which leads me to feel that sex just isn't for me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Finding soulmate Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 On 12/11/2017 at 12:41 PM, Coffee Bean said: I'm mostly inactive on these forums, but follow this thread through email updates and wanted to pop in to say hi to the newcomers. It's nice to see some activity again. I've got 3 daughters, so I know I'm in for a tough time later when they start becoming hormonal and interested in sex, but have no idea how I'm going to approach the subject (thankfully I've got time as the oldest in only in kindy). I know I can't control their actions when the time comes, but to be perfectly honest, my perfect scenario involves them waiting until they're adults to make that decision like I did. I was admittedly an (still am) introverted anime and game nerd though, so... Do you mean to say aven inactive these days? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Finding soulmate Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 On 12/12/2017 at 11:07 PM, zonavar69 said: I consider myself asexual and I'm a parent with 3 teenagers (to ex partner) and one new 4 month old with my current partner. She and I have not been intimate at all since the birth, and during the pregnancy I think once we tried it and I felt awful. Over the last two years I could could the number of times my partner and I have been intimate on one hand. I'm abjectly frightened of sex and haven't a clue where to start. I feel that sex for me is not an important part of normal life even though I know I 'miss out' on a lot of normal adult stuff because of that. I don't know why. I've been un-sexual (there's a new word!) since my teens. I never had any sexual interest at all in high school or through university. As a parent it makes things somewhat tricky as I've never been married, and had less partners than fingers on one hand, so I consider myself not only un-sexual but massively inexperienced at the same time, so it all could feed into the anxiety and fear of intimacy which leads me to feel that sex just isn't for me. th Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Finding soulmate Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 On 12/11/2017 at 1:44 AM, Light18 said: I hadn't thought about that in m uch yet. My step-daughter is almost 13 but hasn't really spoken about crushes or anything yet Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Finding soulmate Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 On 12/4/2017 at 12:30 PM, Light18 said: I have a 5yo and am so glad this thread exists. I always knew I wanted a child, but even in high school, my vision involved me being a single mom because I guess I never really wanted the sex part. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive but we had the one and that was it. Think we had more sex trying to conceive than any other time in our relationship. But I was tracking my basal temp and everything so for me, it was a means to an end. Question for anyone that wants to respond: did you know you were ace before you were a parent? It might be because I am mid30s, but I did not know of such a thing and just thought I was broken for so long. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LoopingBear Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 19 hours ago, Finding soulmate said: On 04/12/2017 at 7:00 AM, Light18 said: Question for anyone that wants to respond: did you know you were ace before you were a parent? It might be because I am mid30s, but I did not know of such a thing and just thought I was broken for so long. I knew although I didn’t have a word for it. Told my (now) husband too not long after we met because I was tired of pretending. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Finding soulmate Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 12 hours ago, LoopingBear said: I knew although I didn’t have a word for it. Told my (now) husband too not long after we met because I was tired of pretending. So what was his reaction? Is he okay with your terms in your relationship? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
zonavar69 Posted December 29, 2017 Share Posted December 29, 2017 In my case my partner and I have not been intimate since about half-way through the pregnancy. Sex then would have been fantastic I thought but it turned out to be really awkward and since then up to now (4.5 months since birth) there's been zero intimacy and I honestly don't know if my fear of romance/sex/intimacy in general is the root problem. I do know it's a part of the problem and has always been an issue in the four years we've been together so far, but it's not a big factor IMHO. I think my partner's 'intimate relationship' with our gorgeous baby is the major issue and she has 'substituted' the baby for me. Given that she has breasts that feed our bub and I don't that mostly seems sensible but it's like the 'tap' of intimacy has just been shut off and our relationship is really suffering. My partner (who is very much a control freak - but normally I can handle it!) thinks I need to see a counseller and get medication because I've become depressed. I hate the idea of medication and don't believe that it would help. When she breastfeeds, she's flooded with oxytocin which makes her cherish and nurture our bub. I feel that when I get turned on, my body reacts either by not making oxytocin or triggering a fear response that 'shuts me down' from any external expression of sexuality. I've often wondered whether I was breastfed as a baby as if I wasn't, I never would have got the deeply-wired 'automatic intimacy' factors built into my psyche. Deep I know, but there's got to be logical reasons for what's going on. My partner will not be naked around me, does not want me to be naked around her, and we never have showers or baths together anymore. I'm really frightened to be sexual with her because she is breastfeeding our bub exclusively and I don't know if I'm supposed to touch/explore her breasts in any way or if they are completely off limits. Craig. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LoopingBear Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 On 28/12/2017 at 12:27 PM, Finding soulmate said: So what was his reaction? Is he okay with your terms in your relationship? He was fine at the time but mostly I think because he didn’t fully understand the major implications. It’s very difficult to manage, truth be told, and it goes in phases where he’s sometimes okay with it and then when he’s basically bursting and I feel like I can’t touch him because he will want sex. As a rule, I give him sex on a semi regular basis (probably every couple of month) and this keeps it manageable. It’s funny though because he still doesn’t grasp that birthday sex will ruin my day rather than make it! He clearly loves me and that is ultimately what makes it work. He said the other day that he was glad our relationship was based on love etc rather than money or sex because we are stronger for it and our relationship is deeper. That said, sex can definitely be the elephant in the room sometimes! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LoopingBear Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 @zonavar69 From what I’ve seen this is a common experience after having children. The baby takes up all the Mum’s time and attention and there’s very little left for anyone else. I breastfed both of mine for quite a while and I can tell you that it made me hypersensitive there and, while I don’t like being touched there anyway, this made it so much worse. Plus I was exhausted and mostly felt like crap for pretty much the next couple of years. In other words, it’s still early days I’m afraid 😟 My sister is a massive control freak as well and basically shut her husband out of all the baby related decisions for the first year or so (if not longer). He got more than a little fed up! It sounds like you need to have a good conversation about how you are both feeling in general about how life is after the baby. Don’t talk about sex straight away - maybe start with practical things so you can make this whole thing more of a team effort (if it isn’t already). Take the baby for walks together (or wherever). Once you feel more like a team then hopefully you’ll both relax more and things may begin to get back on track for you. HTH x 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bubblybaby Posted January 3, 2018 Share Posted January 3, 2018 Just wanted to say "Hi" so ... Hi! I am 27 and have 2 kiddos 3,5 and 1 yrs old. @zonavar69 I agree with LoopingBear .. You need to have a good conversation. I've been breastfeeding ever since I became a mum (first my son, then even both at the same time and now just my youngest) and for me it's like this: Everybody seems to be "needing" my body. I'm never not touched, so it feels. I love pregnancy and breastfeeding, but it's super overwhelming sometimes and I don't need extra pressure of somebody needing my body to fulfil their needs . My husband has known I felt like this from the beginning I started breastfeeding and he now also knows I am ace. He acknowledges that the kids need me more now and that this is temporary, and that I do try to be there for him the best I can. It's not always easy, but even for not aces this is quite normal. Of course the body changes as well. It'll be ok! Just communicate ! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misery's Fence Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 Mom of 2, grandmom of 1 (soon to be 2). When I was married, I didn't know that "asexual" was a thing. I loved my husband, but sex just wasn't something I thought about much. I have never, ever looked at any person and thought "wow, I'd like to get into his/her pants!" The thought of having sex: *sigh* "Well now I have to clean the house, change the sheets, shave my legs, and put on makeup. And my pet pig and dogs will have to find somewhere else to sleep tonight." Nope nope nope. It's a no-go. I'd rather be lazy and have my pets happy than have sex with anyone. Ever. I've often wondered if I'm actually asexual, or just don't like people. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Light18 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 23 hours ago, Misery's Fence said: I've often wondered if I'm actually asexual, or just don't like people. I used to joke that I hate people but certain individuals were the exception. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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