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Asexual Parents Thread


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Hi guys.

I'm 51 (will be 52 in a few weeks) and have been married 24 years and have a 19 y.o. daughter. She tells me she's not asexual, but she hasn't met anyone she's interested in.

I know I myself am - never was very interested - was a virgin despite dating until in grad school and was always much more interested in spending time with someone that was a good storyteller than in being intimate.  Wasn't sure I was even straight, but never sought out a female partner, either. The guy that claimed my virginity (I was in my mid-20s) told me he wasn't surprised that I was thinking I might be gay because I was still a virgin.  To this day I find anything beyond a friendly hug to be kinda gross (like kissing).

Haven't had sex in half a dozen years now, and before that it more often consisted of a hand job to finish spouse off (I was really starting to resent the feeling of obligation, too). I'm thinking now that my letting myself get morbidly obese was just a way to keep from having to deal with anyone finding me sexually attractive.

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chair jockey

It's a sad story of yet another young person being under pressure to be sexually active. I love how I'm 51 and no one ever thinks of me in connection with sex.

 

Welcome to AVEN and enjoy your time here.

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  • 1 month later...

Hello, mother of one here :) my daughter is almost 12 and soon she'll be taller than me and I bet she'll try to pat me on the head whenever she gets the chance :D 

(just noticed I posted here before, oops! sorry)  

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LemonTheDestroyer

Hey! I just joined yesterday and am so glad this id's one of the first threads I found! I am 22 and have 2 daughters who are 1 and (almost) 3. No one I've told has quite understood my want for children and my being asexual (I have been told many times I can't be asexual since i have kids lol) but I haven't had sex since my youngest was concieved and am totally happy with that. I'm always wanting to talk about them, so this is perfect!

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Welcome @LemonTheDestroyer! Have some :cake:. You're not alone, as a mum of a 26 year old (now, you can total up how many sexless years I've had!:lol:), I find it very understandable. As you will see from around the forums, there are quite a few aces with children, and some in relationships as well, I found that once I got rid of the distraction of having a bad marriage, I could focus on her welfare and make a success for her.

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DesiButters519x

I am not a parent, I am in my early 20's but I find this so fascinating, and reading some stories here truly puts a smile on my face. I long to be a parent one day, despite being asexual, it's my dream, and I often find myself daydreaming of the day I will get to hold my own child, hear he/she call me mommy, seeing my baby take their first step. I do wonder what it would be like, being an asexual parent. I can see why many parents here want to talk about their children, and it sucks that you are judged just because your ace and have kids. So what? I mean just because you're asexual doesn't mean you can't be a parent. If you're ace and don't wanna have kids, fine, but don't judge someone else if they have kids. We are supposed to be a community who loves and respects each other, and given that our group is small, being so negative isn't helping the ace community, things like that only make things worse. I may be young and I may not be a parent, but I love the idea of this thread and reading about other ace's expriences as parents is truly heart warming and I hope that one day I too can join the convo as a parent, but for now hearing you all and hey... some advice would be nice too^^ lol

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I have a 5yo and am so glad this thread exists. I always knew I wanted a child, but even in high school, my vision involved me being a single mom because I guess I never really wanted the sex part. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive but we had the one and that was it.  Think we had more sex trying to conceive than any other time in our relationship. But I was tracking my basal temp and everything so for me, it was a means to an end.

 

Question for anyone that wants to respond: did you know you were ace before you were a parent? It might be because I am mid30s, but I did not know of such a thing and just thought I was broken for so long.

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I have two kids - 7 and 9. I had them because I wanted kids although it turns out I’m not actually that maternal! I still love them deeply though. This is a great thread to have :)

as for Light18’s question - I knew I was different but I didn’t know asexuality was a thing until very recently. Like you I just thought I was broken.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I just had a though. When my daughter began to express an interest in sex, at the age of 13, I was horrified! Not at the person she was interested in, who was at school with her, but at the fact she was even interested at all! I'd forgotten all about sex by that time and I had a lot of shock, realising she wasn't going to be like me....now, she says she hasn't made her mind up about herself yet anyway, so maybe there's a bit of me in her after all!:D

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On December 9, 2017 at 2:25 AM, chandrakirti said:

I just had a though. When my daughter began to express an interest in sex, at the age of 13, I was horrified! Not at the person she was interested in, who was at school with her, but at the fact she was even interested at all! I'd forgotten all about sex by that time and I had a lot of shock, realising she wasn't going to be like me....now, she says she hasn't made her mind up about herself yet anyway, so maybe there's a bit of me in her after all!:D

I hadn't thought about that in much yet. My step-daughter is almost 13 but hasn't really spoken about crushes or anything yet.

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I'm mostly inactive on these forums, but follow this thread through email updates and wanted to pop in to say hi to the newcomers. It's nice to see some activity again. 

 

I've got 3 daughters, so I know I'm in for a tough time later when they start becoming hormonal and interested in sex, but have no idea how I'm going to approach the subject (thankfully I've got time as the oldest in only in kindy). I know I can't control their actions when the time comes, but to be perfectly honest, my perfect scenario involves them waiting until they're adults to make that decision like I did. I was admittedly an (still am)  introverted anime and game nerd though, so... 

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I consider myself asexual and I'm a parent with 3 teenagers (to ex partner) and one new 4 month old with my current partner. She and I have not been intimate at all since the birth, and during the pregnancy I think once we tried it and I felt awful.

 

Over the last two years I could could the number of times my partner and I have been intimate on one hand.

 

I'm abjectly frightened of sex and haven't a clue where to start. I feel that sex for me is not an important part of normal life even though I know I 'miss out' on a lot of normal adult stuff because of that. I don't know why. I've been un-sexual (there's a new word!) since my teens. I never had any sexual interest at all in high school or through university.

 

As a parent it makes things somewhat tricky as I've never been married, and had less partners than fingers on one hand, so I consider myself not only un-sexual but massively inexperienced at the same time, so it all could feed into the anxiety and fear of intimacy which leads me to feel that sex just isn't for me.

 

 

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Finding soulmate
On 12/11/2017 at 12:41 PM, Coffee Bean said:

I'm mostly inactive on these forums, but follow this thread through email updates and wanted to pop in to say hi to the newcomers. It's nice to see some activity again. 

 

I've got 3 daughters, so I know I'm in for a tough time later when they start becoming hormonal and interested in sex, but have no idea how I'm going to approach the subject (thankfully I've got time as the oldest in only in kindy). I know I can't control their actions when the time comes, but to be perfectly honest, my perfect scenario involves them waiting until they're adults to make that decision like I did. I was admittedly an (still am)  introverted anime and game nerd though, so... 

Do you mean to say aven inactive these days?

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Finding soulmate
On 12/12/2017 at 11:07 PM, zonavar69 said:

I consider myself asexual and I'm a parent with 3 teenagers (to ex partner) and one new 4 month old with my current partner. She and I have not been intimate at all since the birth, and during the pregnancy I think once we tried it and I felt awful.

 

Over the last two years I could could the number of times my partner and I have been intimate on one hand.

 

I'm abjectly frightened of sex and haven't a clue where to start. I feel that sex for me is not an important part of normal life even though I know I 'miss out' on a lot of normal adult stuff because of that. I don't know why. I've been un-sexual (there's a new word!) since my teens. I never had any sexual interest at all in high school or through university.

 

As a parent it makes things somewhat tricky as I've never been married, and had less partners than fingers on one hand, so I consider myself not only un-sexual but massively inexperienced at the same time, so it all could feed into the anxiety and fear of intimacy which leads me to feel that sex just isn't for me.

th

 

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Finding soulmate
On 12/11/2017 at 1:44 AM, Light18 said:

I hadn't thought about that in m uch yet. My step-daughter is almost 13 but hasn't really spoken about crushes or anything yet

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Finding soulmate
On 12/4/2017 at 12:30 PM, Light18 said:

I have a 5yo and am so glad this thread exists. I always knew I wanted a child, but even in high school, my vision involved me being a single mom because I guess I never really wanted the sex part. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive but we had the one and that was it.  Think we had more sex trying to conceive than any other time in our relationship. But I was tracking my basal temp and everything so for me, it was a means to an end.

 

Question for anyone that wants to respond: did you know you were ace before you were a parent? It might be because I am mid30s, but I did not know of such a thing and just thought I was broken for so long.

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19 hours ago, Finding soulmate said:
On 04/12/2017 at 7:00 AM, Light18 said:

Question for anyone that wants to respond: did you know you were ace before you were a parent? It might be because I am mid30s, but I did not know of such a thing and just thought I was broken for so long.

I knew although I didn’t have a word for it. Told my (now) husband too not long after we met because I was tired of pretending.

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Finding soulmate
12 hours ago, LoopingBear said:

I knew although I didn’t have a word for it. Told my (now) husband too not long after we met because I was tired of pretending.

So what was his reaction? Is he okay with your terms in your relationship?

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In my case my partner and I have not been intimate since about half-way through the pregnancy. Sex then would have been fantastic I thought but it turned out to be really awkward and since then up to now (4.5 months since birth) there's been zero intimacy and I honestly don't know if my fear of romance/sex/intimacy in general is the root problem. I do know it's a part of the problem and has always been an issue in the four years we've been together so far, but it's not a big factor IMHO.

 

I think my partner's 'intimate relationship' with our gorgeous baby is the major issue and she has 'substituted' the baby for me. Given that she has breasts that feed our bub and I don't that mostly seems sensible but it's like the 'tap' of intimacy has just been shut off and our relationship is really suffering. My partner (who is very much a control freak - but normally I can handle it!) thinks I need to see a counseller and get medication because I've become depressed. I hate the idea of medication and don't believe that it would help.

 

When she breastfeeds, she's flooded with oxytocin which makes her cherish and nurture our bub. I feel that when I get turned on, my body reacts either by not making oxytocin or triggering a fear response that 'shuts me down' from any external expression of sexuality. I've often wondered whether I was breastfed as a baby as if I wasn't, I never would have got the deeply-wired 'automatic intimacy' factors built into my psyche. Deep I know, but there's got to be logical reasons for what's going on.

 

My partner will not be naked around me, does not want me to be naked around her, and we never have showers or baths together anymore. I'm really frightened to be sexual with her because she is breastfeeding our bub exclusively and I don't know if I'm supposed to touch/explore her breasts in any way or if they are completely off limits.

 

Craig.

 

 

 

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On 28/12/2017 at 12:27 PM, Finding soulmate said:

So what was his reaction? Is he okay with your terms in your relationship?

He was fine at the time but mostly I think because he didn’t fully understand the major implications. It’s very difficult to manage, truth be told, and it goes in phases where he’s sometimes okay with it and then when he’s basically bursting and I feel like I can’t touch him because he will want sex. As a rule, I give him sex on a semi regular basis (probably every couple of month) and this keeps it manageable. It’s funny though because he still doesn’t grasp that birthday sex will ruin my day rather than make it! He clearly loves me and that is ultimately what makes it work. He said the other day that he was glad our relationship was based on love etc rather than money or sex because we are stronger for it and our relationship is deeper. That said, sex can definitely be the elephant in the room sometimes!

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@zonavar69 From what I’ve seen this is a common experience after having children. The baby takes up all the Mum’s time and attention and there’s very little left for anyone else. I breastfed both of mine for quite a while and I can tell you that it made me hypersensitive there and, while I don’t like being touched there anyway, this made it so much worse. Plus I was exhausted and mostly felt like crap for pretty much the next couple of years. In other words, it’s still early days I’m afraid 😟 

My sister is a massive control freak as well and basically shut her husband out of all the baby related decisions for the first year or so (if not longer). He got more than a little fed up!

It sounds like you need to have a good conversation about how you are both feeling in general about how life is after the baby. Don’t talk about sex straight away - maybe start with practical things so you can make this whole thing more of a team effort (if it isn’t already). Take the baby for walks together (or wherever). Once you feel more like a team then hopefully you’ll both relax more and things may begin to get back on track for you.

HTH x

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Just wanted to say "Hi" :D so ... Hi! ^_^ 
I am 27 and have 2 kiddos :) 3,5 and 1 yrs old. 

@zonavar69 I agree with LoopingBear ^_^ .. You need to have a good conversation.
I've been breastfeeding ever since I became a mum (first my son, then even both at the same time and now just my youngest) and for me it's like this:

Everybody seems to be "needing" my body. I'm never not touched, so it feels. I love pregnancy and breastfeeding, but it's super overwhelming sometimes and I don't need extra pressure of somebody needing my body to fulfil their needs :) . My husband has known I felt like this from the beginning I started breastfeeding and he now also knows I am ace. He acknowledges that the kids need me more now and that this is temporary, and that I do try to be there for him the best I can. It's not always easy, but even for not aces this is quite normal. ^_^ Of course the body changes as well.

It'll be ok! Just communicate :)!

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Misery's Fence

Mom of 2, grandmom of 1 (soon to be 2).  When I was married, I didn't know that "asexual" was a thing.  I loved my husband, but sex just wasn't something I thought about much.  I have never, ever looked at any person and thought "wow, I'd like to get into his/her pants!" 

 

The thought of having sex:  *sigh* "Well now I have to clean the house, change the sheets, shave my legs, and put on makeup.  And my pet pig and dogs will have to find somewhere else to sleep tonight."

 

Nope nope nope.  It's a no-go.  I'd rather be lazy and have my pets happy than have sex with anyone.  Ever.

 

I've often wondered if I'm actually asexual, or just don't like people. ;)

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23 hours ago, Misery's Fence said:

 

I've often wondered if I'm actually asexual, or just don't like people. 

I used to joke that I hate people but certain individuals were the exception. 

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