Is There A Matchmaking Site For Demisexuals?

[maruli]

Is There A Matchmaking Site For Demisexuals?

I discovered the expression 'Demisexual' just yesterday. Until yesterday, I called myself innately monogamous and anti-promiscuous. For a long time I was in favor of 'self-arranged commitment' and of starting a relationship the way that Robert Epstein had suggested in his love-project.

I am an attitude dependent demisexual.

I have been bloging about my quest to find a mindmate, and the blog is nearing the 500th entry. I have been describing my concept of the 'egalitarian rational commitment paradigm' as my idea of a committed bonded relationship with someone like me. I just did not know that what I have been describing is the demisexual paradigm for two demisexual persons.

But having discovered a label is not enough. Being demisexual as a consequence of my identity and my self-esteem makes me very lonely. There are so few men, who are suitable as mindmates.

I identify as my brain and as my personality, not as a body. I derive my self-esteem from being as little an instinct driven animal as possible. This gets me into the paradox situation, that the more a man with normal sexuality focuses on my body, the more I feel reduced to be a utility and commodity, the more I react with the asexuality of a sack of potatoes. Perceiving me as a mere body without interest in my intellect makes me feel devalued, disrespected and depreciated and that makes me feel hurt and offended.

But whenever I feel valued and appreciated as a human with a brain, I feel attracted to the full scale of intimacy. Intellectual intimacy creates emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy creates physical intimacy. When I feel respected as a human being, then physical intimacy is a way to express love without words.

There was a site called 'asexualove', which unfortunately has disappeared. Some years ago, I had a profile there for a while, but I removed it, because I got aware of not being completely asexual and there was no category for persons like me.

But I feel disgust and repugnance towards all promiscuous men, who reduce a woman to a usable body. In my search on matchmaking sites I hardly ever find profiles of monogamous men, who want only a serious long-term relationship and nothing else.

I am not asexual, I am an attitude dependent demisexual. Where can I find a demisexual partner?

[MC Dusters]

Try ace-book. The place asexies get sent. Should fit ya. And good luck!

[test account]

I doubt there is such a thing. You have to just sift through the different types on regular dating sites unfortunately.

[Notte stellata]

I doubt it too. Demisexuals are a small group, and I think many demisexuals have no idea about this label.

You can check out the two dating sites mentioned in this thread:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/67198-come-on-and-join-the-asexual-dating-sites/

They're for asexuals, but I guess demisexuals are also welcome.

I think you can use regular dating sites too. There are certainly guys who only want serious long-term relationships and are willing to develop a deep connection before having sex. Maybe try paid dating sites like eHarmony (I met my boyfriend there). I think users there are more serious in general.

BTW I totally agree with this: "Intellectual intimacy creates emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy creates physical intimacy. When I feel respected as a human being, then physical intimacy is a way to express love without words. " That's exactly how I develop intimacy with people.

[chirp]

Go to OKCupid and write all about yourself. People there will find you. It's a nice place to just meet friends, too.

[maruli]

Thanks for the advice. I have profiles on eharmony, but no luck so far in spite of using the free communication events. OkCupid seems to be the gathering place of the worst promiscuous jerks, who seem all to admit freely in their answers to the matching questions, that they are more than willing to use women.

So I joined ace-book, but it really is too onesided only for Asexuals.

I disagree to consider Demisexual as in any way connected with the absence of sexuality. I consider demisexuality as dignified sexuality, personality oriented sexuality, humane sexuality, ethical sexuality, integrated sexuality, but certainly not as the absence of sexuality.

Therefore demisexuality should be separated clearly from asexuality and have an own dating site.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I've been looking for one too but can't seem to find any...

Since my last relationship ended in 2007, I've been single but not really putting myself "out there" at all (long story, and not really related to me being grey/demisexual). The last time I was really "out there" and looking was 8 years ago. Anyway, I've worked through some issues, and am thinking now - at 33 - that it's kinda time to get back on the horse.

One of these days I think I'll make a profile on a big local dating site here in Australia (RSVP), or maybe OkCupid. As others have said, I don't think these regular sites are bad as long as you put down exactly what you want. And make it clear from your profile that you're interested in taking it slowly, being friends first, and are looking for a mindmate.

That said, I think it's a lot easier for demisexual men than for demisexual women. Considering that plenty of the female profiles on dating sites complain about being contacted by "sleazy guys looking for flings and booty calls", being demisexual will probably be an advantage. :lol:

[Charon]

I've been looking for one too but can't seem to find any...

Since my last relationship ended in 2007, I've been single but not really putting myself "out there" at all (long story, and not really related to me being grey/demisexual). The last time I was really "out there" and looking was 8 years ago. Anyway, I've worked through some issues, and am thinking now - at 33 - that it's kinda time to get back on the horse.

One of these days I think I'll make a profile on a big local dating site here in Australia (RSVP), or maybe OkCupid. As others have said, I don't think these regular sites are bad as long as you put down exactly what you want. And make it clear from your profile that you're interested in taking it slowly, being friends first, and are looking for a mindmate.

That said, I think it's a lot easier for demisexual men than for demisexual women. Considering that plenty of the female profiles on dating sites complain about being contacted by "sleazy guys looking for flings and booty calls", being demisexual will probably be an advantage. :lol:

I'm in the same boat - I have tried RSVP for 6 years, OKCUPID for about 3 and Eharmony after spending and excruciating 2hrs to fill in the join up profile - hit the send button and was provided with a splash screen telling me "Sorry for some people we are unable to match based on your profile" or some such statement.

The evaluation results seem to indicate that I was neither one thing or the other across all categories.

Whatever I am I seem to make women disappear before I even get to say Hi. They appear to have made some judgement call on me yet never tell me what that reasoning is based on. I only receive the standard reply for instance on RSVP of "I don't think it would work out between us" - well OK that's fair enough but Why?

I have tried changing sites, changing profiles, changing photo's in the end the only common denominator is me.

RSVP seems a bit snooty to me the woman their while fully and freely admitting they are not interested in the one night sex addicts seem unwilling to embrace anything else, like a tribe of lost lemmings.

Longing for that day when a Demisexual dating site appears!

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Hi Charon,

I've been on OkCupid for about a month now...

Too early to gauge "success" yet, but so far it doesn't look too bad (I have a few connections/penpals which seem promising).

Initially I danced around any labels and just said I like taking things slowly and being friends first. But I got a few negative responses from that, so I decided to go the full disclosure route and put down that I'm demisexual - with a link to the AVEN definition of Demisexual and a quick description of what I'm like. I haven't had any outright criticism of that, so I donno. But yes, I do wish there was a specific demisexual/grey dating site. It would be great knowing everyone on the site is in the same boat and there won't be any confusion.

(I'm an ex software engineer who did web development in the past, and I've had some vague thoughts of starting one, hehe. But going back to programming scares me - and I don't have much business acumen to organise others, so if one appears it won't be from me. :))

[newgirl]

These are the only two sites for asexual. :o

Ace-book http://www.ace-book.net/

Asexualitic http://asexualitic.com/

[suchnsuch]

I disagree to consider Demisexual as in any way connected with the absence of sexuality. I consider demisexuality as dignified sexuality, personality oriented sexuality, humane sexuality, ethical sexuality, integrated sexuality, but certainly not as the absence of sexuality.

Therefore demisexuality should be separated clearly from asexuality and have an own dating site.

I'm demisexual and in a relationship with a sexual. I think there are many people who are asexual or demisexual who would have relationships with people who do not identify in the same way, and so I think a dating site purely for demisexuals would be very marginal.

I also don't think it's right to moralise about any sort of sexuality and start saying that yours is humane or ethical. Demisexuality is not a choice, it's just a way of being. Although I completely understand what you mean about feeling like "the more a man with normal sexuality focuses on my body, the more I feel reduced to be a utility and commodity".

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I also don't think it's right to moralise about any sort of sexuality and start saying that yours is humane or ethical. Demisexuality is not a choice, it's just a way of being.

This.

Although I completely understand what you mean about feeling like "the more a man with normal sexuality focuses on my body, the more I feel reduced to be a utility and commodity".

I guess demisexuality does have some nice side-effects which stem from this. eg. Being demisexual and not being interested in sex up front with random women automatically means that predatory, "player" behaviour (eg. of trying to pick up girls, lie and sweet-talk and use them for sex for its own sake) is something I have no concept of. And obviously, I also have zero interest in the likes of prostitution.

So I guess she's right insofar as saying that if most men were demisexual, these problems would be drastically reduced. But again, it doesn't make much sense to attach ethical consideration to something people have no control over. It just is.

I suppose if anything: heterosexual men who don't partake in sleazy or unethical exploitation of women can be said to be ethical. They might have some innate urge to try to get sex in these potentially questionable ways, but can choose not to. For demisexuals it's too easy - we don't even have to hold back because we don't even have the urge to do those things in the first place - so there is no ethical choice to be made.

[suchnsuch]

For demisexuals it's too easy - we don't even have to hold back because we don't even have the urge to do those things in the first place - so there is no ethical choice to be made.

Yeah, I think sometimes I get a bit smug about it. Like I'm a raging feminist and am always on everyone else's back for objectifying people and being overly focused on sex and physical attraction, and I think it's good to call people out for stuff like that, but I think I have it a lot easier than them because I wouldn't participate in that sort of behaviour even if I didn't hold those political beliefs.