I've been so confused...

[KatzenJam]

Ever since puberty I've been really confused as to "what" I am, even though I know I really shouldn't classify myself with just one word. But I guess I'm looking for some clarity, so let me begin my story.

I had my first kiss at 16, and it wasn't anything special (I was drunk at my cousin's wedding) and even though that guy and I ended up having a nice emotional bond (but weren't dating) I never really wanted anything more than to spend time with him. He didn't last long, so I'll move on.

All during high school my friends 'swooned' over hot guys and I always felt left out because I just didn't feel anything close to what they felt. Thankfully I went to an all-girls school, so I didn't have any exposure to men. To be honest, making friends is just really hard for me. I've been classified with traits of Asperger's but have never been professionally tested. I've never felt close to many people, and often I only find friends when I'm forced into a social situation with outgoing and inclusive people.

I had a job at a video game store that started about two years back, and I made a lot of friends there. One of them constantly talked about sex, which didn't really put me off too much. He would always ask me "Would you?" when a guy walked in the store, and I was always confused by how to answer. What was I basing my answer on? His looks? Whatever games he bought? His personality? I didn't understand the concept behind the question.

But there was another guy who worked there (I don't want to give his name, sorry) and I ended up hanging out a lot with him. He was kind of like me, introverted, didn't like people too much, and even though he's sexual he feels like its something that you shouldn't just mess around with, and that its supposed to be something beautiful. Thus, I was drawn to him. I helped him through his problems as he helped me through my sister's suicide attempts, and over the course of a year he became the best friend I'd ever had.

Now we are dating, and this is where all the trouble begins. Before we had dated, I had felt some sexual attraction to him, which confused me, since that was an extremely new feeling to me and I didn't know what to do with it. When we started dating, he wanted to have sex a lot, which was fine with me, since we already had that strong, close bond. I was leery at first, but gave in.

I enjoy having sex with him, honestly, and around half the time I'm the instigator. Then there are times when having sex just feels like a chore. I know I should just tell him when I don't want to have sex, but my fear of speaking my feelings gets the best of me (he is trying to help me with this).

I don't understand why I feel so inclined to have sex with him, when every other man has produced no such effect on me. (I've never understood the concept of good-looking and 'hot' people. People just look like people, I see nothing that makes one look better than the other.)

I just don't know. But maybe someone has some sort of answer for me.

[samepage1]

You seem to be gray-asexual since you say you were kind of attracted to him sexually from the get-go, and since you're interested in having sex with him. I don't know how often sexual people feel that sex is a chore; that's a common complaint for asexuals, so that also suggests gray-a to me.

I wonder if it would be useful for you to consider whether you might me romantic, aromantic, or, analogously to gray-a, gray-romantic. I've recently discovered that I'm aromantic. I think the sexual interactions in my last relationship were less palatable for me than if I had been romantic because of the way that my girlfriend associated sex with romantic feelings and -attachment. In other words, the sexual stuff fed into that, which made the relationship worse for me. Could that be an issue for you? Or perhaps it's the reverse for you, and you like sex more because you're romantic?

I know there are a lot of terms here, and they can get downright overwhelming. Take your time with them. I was here over a year before realizing that I'm aromantic. I promise you'll be alright.

Are you happy in the relationship? Is there anything you need to understand about yourself for the sake of your relationship?

[Moggie]

I had a similar experience as KatzenJam when i was in middle school and high school and my friends were into guys and thinking they were hot and I was not having those feelings of wanting to chase guys and wanting to be chased by them. Even in college i did not want a boyfriend and now still i do not want a boyfriend. And really the reason has always been i think because I don't want to have sex (the thought of being touched sexually is very disconcerting and i get standoffish or cold toward any man that i feel is coming on to me sexually). And i couldn't fathom that a guy would be down with not having sex after marriage, so i never wanted to get married either. Then i found this site and the word "asexual" and i was like that is me! but then the more i read the discriptions i am not so sure anymore if i really am asexual or not because i do not match all the criteria for being asexual. I do not understand about sexual drive and sexual attraction and what those actually mean even though i've read the wiki over and over. I don't ever look at a guy (or a girl) and say "i want to have sex with him or her" so does that mean i am not sexually attracted to people? Even when i have had crushes on a few guys i've never thought to myself "i want to have sex with him", so maybe i do fit the no sexual attraction criteria?

sex drive is a bit more complicated i think cause it involves whether one masturbates or not right? and also whether you enjoy it when you do it? so if a person does masturbate and if they do enjoy it when they do then they can't really be asexual right cause asexuals don't have sexual desire, am i understanding the definition correctly?

so i don't know if i am grey-a or just someone who does not want to have sex or sexual contact with another person.

[samepage1]

Moggie, welcome to AVEN. I suppose a mod will want to move your post and my reply to a different forum where you'll likely get more responses.

I'm beyond college, and like you, I never wanted a girl-/boyfriend, either, but I had two anyway.

i am not so sure anymore if i really am asexual or not because i do not match all the criteria for being asexual. I do not understand about sexual drive and sexual attraction and what those actually mean even though i've read the wiki over and over.

I felt the same way when I first came here, I'll never forget. But I related so well to all the static content I read, the stories, as well as the posts in the Sexual Partners and Allies forum. Ultimately I decided that what matters is how sensible it is to my understanding of myself to consider myself asexual. Hang around here a bit, read through some discussions, and get a sense of things. Take your time. I've been here a good long time now, and I'm still understanding things better and better, and I'm doing quite fine.

I don't ever look at a guy (or a girl) and say "i want to have sex with him or her" so does that mean i am not sexually attracted to people? Even when i have had crushes on a few guys i've never thought to myself "i want to have sex with him", so maybe i do fit the no sexual attraction criteria?

Probably. My impression is that when sexual people are sexually attracted to someone they think there would be something nice about having sex with that person in particular, even if they would never do it. You don't seem to have that thought.

sex drive is a bit more complicated i think cause it involves whether one masturbates or not right? and also whether you enjoy it when you do it? so if a person does masturbate and if they do enjoy it when they do then they can't really be asexual right cause asexuals don't have sexual desire, am i understanding the definition correctly?

Sex drive, or libido, is related to masturbation, yes. But asexuals can enjoy masturbation, though some surely find it a chore. Sex drive is strictly a biological process whereas sexual attraction is strictly psychological. I'm sure you can think of other examples where the biological and the psychological (may) intersect.

[KatzenJam]

samepage1:

Thanks for the reply. :) To answer your first question, I am very happy in the relationship. I love him, that much is sure, and I know he loves me. As for your second question, I don't know. I think that's what I'm trying to figure out. After I got in the relationship, I wasn't sure if I was emotionally stable or not to be with someone. I never told him this, but at the beginning of the relationship he wondered the same thing about himself. I think as long as I try not to confuse myself or make too big a deal out of things and talk all this over with him, he and I will be all right.

As for the sex, I think I like it more because he and I have a trusting and emotional bond. I had started to have sexual feelings for him before we were dating yes, but that was also when I had started to 'fall' for him and didn't know whether he felt the same or not.

And yes, those terms are a little overwhelming! But I think with time I can get it all down. Thanks for all your suggestions!

Moggie:

First off, welcome! Although a newbie here myself I'm finding this place quite full of awesome people. :D It sounds like you are asexual, but I can't say for sure. And from my understanding of asexuals, masturbation is perfectly normal, that doesn't exclude you from being one. The fact that you do get crushes on a few guys might suggest something, but I don't know what. Maybe you might want to seek a purely romantic relationship? There are others out there who don't want sex either, the hard part is finding them. Good luck to you!

[Moggie]

Moggie, welcome to AVEN. I suppose a mod will want to move your post and my reply to a different forum where you'll likely get more responses.

I'm beyond college, and like you, I never wanted a girl-/boyfriend, either, but I had two anyway.

i am not so sure anymore if i really am asexual or not because i do not match all the criteria for being asexual. I do not understand about sexual drive and sexual attraction and what those actually mean even though i've read the wiki over and over.

I felt the same way when I first came here, I'll never forget. But I related so well to all the static content I read, the stories, as well as the posts in the Sexual Partners and Allies forum. Ultimately I decided that what matters is how sensible it is to my understanding of myself to consider myself asexual. Hang around here a bit, read through some discussions, and get a sense of things. Take your time. I've been here a good long time now, and I'm still understanding things better and better, and I'm doing quite fine.

I don't ever look at a guy (or a girl) and say "i want to have sex with him or her" so does that mean i am not sexually attracted to people? Even when i have had crushes on a few guys i've never thought to myself "i want to have sex with him", so maybe i do fit the no sexual attraction criteria?

Probably. My impression is that when sexual people are sexually attracted to someone they think there would be something nice about having sex with that person in particular, even if they would never do it. You don't seem to have that thought.

sex drive is a bit more complicated i think cause it involves whether one masturbates or not right? and also whether you enjoy it when you do it? so if a person does masturbate and if they do enjoy it when they do then they can't really be asexual right cause asexuals don't have sexual desire, am i understanding the definition correctly?

Sex drive, or libido, is related to masturbation, yes. But asexuals can enjoy masturbation, though some surely find it a chore. Sex drive is strictly a biological process whereas sexual attraction is strictly psychological. I'm sure you can think of other examples where the biological and the psychological (may) intersect.

Thank you SamePage1 for your reply I appreciate all you've said and will take your advice and stick around for awhile and read discussions, etc. Thank you for the welcome as well :)

samepage1:

Thanks for the reply. :) To answer your first question, I am very happy in the relationship. I love him, that much is sure, and I know he loves me. As for your second question, I don't know. I think that's what I'm trying to figure out. After I got in the relationship, I wasn't sure if I was emotionally stable or not to be with someone. I never told him this, but at the beginning of the relationship he wondered the same thing about himself. I think as long as I try not to confuse myself or make too big a deal out of things and talk all this over with him, he and I will be all right.

As for the sex, I think I like it more because he and I have a trusting and emotional bond. I had started to have sexual feelings for him before we were dating yes, but that was also when I had started to 'fall' for him and didn't know whether he felt the same or not.

And yes, those terms are a little overwhelming! But I think with time I can get it all down. Thanks for all your suggestions!

Moggie:

First off, welcome! Although a newbie here myself I'm finding this place quite full of awesome people. :D It sounds like you are asexual, but I can't say for sure. And from my understanding of asexuals, masturbation is perfectly normal, that doesn't exclude you from being one. The fact that you do get crushes on a few guys might suggest something, but I don't know what. Maybe you might want to seek a purely romantic relationship? There are others out there who don't want sex either, the hard part is finding them. Good luck to you!

Hi KatzenJam, thank you for the welcome and a belated welcome to you as well! Thank you for your reply I appreciate it :) About purely romantic relationships, I'm not sure I would like a romantic relationship and I only say this because I tend to feel suffocated when I feel people are trying to be too close to me. Sometimes I feel suffocated by certain people right away like I'm drowning, but other times it's not at first and only later that I start to feel its all too much. It seems like if the guy is available emotionally I get afraid he will want something more than friendship so I put up a wall, but if he is married then i feel safe being friends with him cause I feel safe that nothing more will come of it but friendship/acquaintanceship. But then i feel we can't really be close friends because that slot is meant for his wife not me.

Some people have pointed out to me they think i have a problem with commitment. I think that is probably true, but don't know why, so maybe romantic relationship would not be a good thing for me to even try right now because I don't want to hurt anyone.

Thanks again for posting, so far the posts I've read on this site have been very helpful.