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Help identify gray-A


The Lighthouse

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The Lighthouse

Greetings! I hope this sort of topic is allowed, if not please delete. I've noticed for a long time now that my feelings towards sex are not what would be considered normal, but I knew I wasn't completely asexual. I actually remember finding AVEN many years ago while trying to figure things out but I didn't seem to totally fit at the time. Recently, I came upon the term gray-A and it really struck a chord with me. I've only been able to find limited definitions of what it means, so I was hoping you knowledgable folks might be able to tell me if I really fit or not. I don't really know why it feels important to me to have a label.....maybe it is just so I feel less alone...like I do fit SOMEWHERE.

I am a woman and have always fancied men. I have had many crushes and have always been able to identify men I find physically attractive. I love cuddling and enjoy kissing. My desire to touch (hand hold, hug, snuggle) and kiss men I find attractive would be considered sexually "normal" I think. However in order to want to go any further sexually I need to be really emotionally invested. Even then, sex itself doesn't interest me very much. With the few men I have been sexual with it was just sort of something I went along with. I enjoyed the closeness and kissing, the rest was just "okay". What I really enjoyed was everything else that comes with being in a relationship.

I was single for a number of years in my 20s and didn't miss sex at all. I eventually went seeking a relationship because sex aside, I wanted a life-partner.

I do masterbate, but when I do I'm not thinking/fantasizing about anything, just enjoying the sensation.

I do quite enjoy reading erotic stories/fanfic and they get me aroused....however naked photos of either gender really don't do anything for me.

I do have fantasies about sexual encounters between myself and whomever I find attractive at the time (celebs sometimes, but mostly fictional characters like Fox Mulder or Snape) however I wouldn't want to act any of it out in real life. Kissing is the only act that I would actually have any interest in outside of fantasy-land.

In "real life" I think sex looks kind of funny, is too messy, and while it can be physically pleasurable I would much rather read a book with a cup of tea. My husband is sexual, I engage in sexual acts with him, and it is most often physically pleasurable and I enjoy the intimacy, however I rarely if ever feel the urge to initiate it on my own and if he only was interested once a year that would be fine by me!

Long story short I am attracted to people, do get aroused, do enjoy sexual daydreams and stories, do love kissing and cuddling...but I have no interest in pursuing sex and could only engage in it in the context of a deep emotional relationship. I could go years without sex and not blink. So I'm not 100% asexual...but in the eyes of "sexual" people, I might as well be. Do I have any place here or am I just a dysfunctional sexual??

Thanks so much for reading! This is a lovely community.

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You know, you actually sound a good deal like me, and I feel quite at home here, whatever I am. Welcome to AVEN, by the way! :cake:

I'm guilty of using language like saying someone is asexual, but really I think that a term like asexual or heterosexual merely has the two purposes of describing a concept and helping people to understand themselves based on that concept. I think that's the main reason that people cannot label anyone but themselves.

That said, if you feel that you relate to sexuality in some way, but you also relate to asexuality in some way, then the term gray-asexual would probably suit you well. I consider myself an aromantic* gray-asexual, but there isn't any set thing that I am that I'm either right or wrong about being. They are simply the terms that help me to understand myself best.

But take note that we overwhelmingly agree here that you can find people attractive in an aesthetic or any other sense without being attracted to them sexually, and that wanting to cuddle, kiss, or have other physical interactions is not necessarily related to sexual attraction (or to romantic attraction*).

*You might avoid worrying about this thing called romantic attraction quite yet, but if you venture there, and even if you don't, I know all our terms can be overwhelming and perhaps incomprehensible. Take your time to sort through everything. I was here over a year before I revised my own terms, and my understanding of myself still changes and grows, and I'm doing quite all right; you will, too.

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Greetings! I hope this sort of topic is allowed, if not please delete. I've noticed for a long time now that my feelings towards sex are not what would be considered normal, but I knew I wasn't completely asexual. I actually remember finding AVEN many years ago while trying to figure things out but I didn't seem to totally fit at the time. Recently, I came upon the term gray-A and it really struck a chord with me. I've only been able to find limited definitions of what it means, so I was hoping you knowledgable folks might be able to tell me if I really fit or not. I don't really know why it feels important to me to have a label.....maybe it is just so I feel less alone...like I do fit SOMEWHERE.

I am a woman and have always fancied men. I have had many crushes and have always been able to identify men I find physically attractive. I love cuddling and enjoy kissing. My desire to touch (hand hold, hug, snuggle) and kiss men I find attractive would be considered sexually "normal" I think. However in order to want to go any further sexually I need to be really emotionally invested. Even then, sex itself doesn't interest me very much. With the few men I have been sexual with it was just sort of something I went along with. I enjoyed the closeness and kissing, the rest was just "okay". What I really enjoyed was everything else that comes with being in a relationship.

I was single for a number of years in my 20s and didn't miss sex at all. I eventually went seeking a relationship because sex aside, I wanted a life-partner.

I do masterbate, but when I do I'm not thinking/fantasizing about anything, just enjoying the sensation.

I do quite enjoy reading erotic stories/fanfic and they get me aroused....however naked photos of either gender really don't do anything for me.

I do have fantasies about sexual encounters between myself and whomever I find attractive at the time (celebs sometimes, but mostly fictional characters like Fox Mulder or Snape) however I wouldn't want to act any of it out in real life. Kissing is the only act that I would actually have any interest in outside of fantasy-land.

In "real life" I think sex looks kind of funny, is too messy, and while it can be physically pleasurable I would much rather read a book with a cup of tea. My husband is sexual, I engage in sexual acts with him, and it is most often physically pleasurable and I enjoy the intimacy, however I rarely if ever feel the urge to initiate it on my own and if he only was interested once a year that would be fine by me!

Long story short I am attracted to people, do get aroused, do enjoy sexual daydreams and stories, do love kissing and cuddling...but I have no interest in pursuing sex and could only engage in it in the context of a deep emotional relationship. I could go years without sex and not blink. So I'm not 100% asexual...but in the eyes of "sexual" people, I might as well be. Do I have any place here or am I just a dysfunctional sexual??

Thanks so much for reading! This is a lovely community.

Many of the descriptions of yourself match how i am as well. Thank you for posting. I look forward to see people's answer to your question because that is my question in a way as well (i.e. am i asexual or just a dysfunctional sexual).

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The Lighthouse

You know, you actually sound a good deal like me, and I feel quite at home here, whatever I am. Welcome to AVEN, by the way! :cake:

I'm guilty of using language like saying someone is asexual, but really I think that a term like asexual or heterosexual merely has the two purposes of describing a concept and helping people to understand themselves based on that concept. I think that's the main reason that people cannot label anyone but themselves.

That said, if you feel that you relate to sexuality in some way, but you also relate to asexuality in some way, then the term gray-asexual would probably suit you well. I consider myself an aromantic* gray-asexual, but there isn't any set thing that I am that I'm either right or wrong about being. They are simply the terms that help me to understand myself best.

But take note that we overwhelmingly agree here that you can find people attractive in an aesthetic or any other sense without being attracted to them sexually, and that wanting to cuddle, kiss, or have other physical interactions is not necessarily related to sexual attraction (or to romantic attraction*).

*You might avoid worrying about this thing called romantic attraction quite yet, but if you venture there, and even if you don't, I know all our terms can be overwhelming and perhaps incomprehensible. Take your time to sort through everything. I was here over a year before I revised my own terms, and my understanding of myself still changes and grows, and I'm doing quite all right; you will, too.

Thank you for the reassuring words and welcome samepage!

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