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Since discovering your partner is asexual...


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The interesting thing to me is how I’m attracted to other women that remind me of my wife. I can spot another woman with her hair color in a crowd at 100m. I’ll find myself attracted to a blonde (not usually my type) and not able to figure out why, only to realize later that her bottom reminds me of my wife’s. So, in a way, I guess you can say I am still attracted to my wife.

Is it weird that I think this is really sweet?

(and thank you, yes, I feel much better!)

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sexualwithasexual

The fact that I'm married in a relatively small community also means that I don't get hit on by other girls... guys, yes, but that doesn't mean anything to me. So I'm not really getting affirmed on a sexual level by anyone, and that's made me feel like a much less sexual being.

This will be fun for me (and hopefully Skulls) and hopefully not inappropriate as it's going to be done publicly... But I'm HITTING ON YOU!!! I've fantasized that if we lived in the same town, we could have an open affair and our partners would get it and understand... In an online, brainy kind of way - YOU ARE VERY SEXY :wub: !

This whole thread is amazing and I've read it all and I've lived much of it. All the stages of self-pity, anger, relief, lack of confidence, hope, lack of hope, understanding... etc.

Skull's fight could have been recorded in my apartment, except my partner neither smokes nor has ever even sat on a horse and never will.

I've begun to realize that what I read sometimes as "selfishness" in my partner, is really actually simply a lack of need to be taken care of in the same way as I. Like Sally said, some people really don't need to be fawned over. As someone else asked on this thread, "What is it that our ace partner's need to feel loved?" well, I've asked, and the answer has been - "not much." My partner is selfish, but she also has few needs when it comes to relationships. She really just appreciates when I "wash the dishes". She just likes that I go to a movie w/her or out to dinner every once and a while. I do know that she can just be with me for hours, and not hate it, and that for her is a lot!

I've realized I hover over her, because that's exactly what I want. But then again, if I really imagine it, I don't like someone who overly worries about me. It's too much. I'm pretty independent. But when I storm out of the room, I want someone to follow me out, and she doesn't. If I ask her why she doesn't, she'll say, "I thought you just wanted to be alone." I do, for a few minutes, but then I want her to be upset and want to come to me and "make it all better" but instead, I usually crawl back to her, only to find her calmly reading her book. sigh.

So, yes, Skulls, establish what you need (time on that damn laptop) and take it. Start doing your own thing more - with other people.. that's what I've done. I have my own set of friends now. It's helped a bit. I definitely have more confidence now. I'm still not feeling attractive yet, especially when it comes to women, but at least I feel very appreciated by this set of new friends I have.

And in response to the OP - I also experienced a drop in sexual attraction for my partner. Both over time b4 aven, and then even more after aven. I think it's only natural. I'm not going to continue to pine after something the other person is not interested in. The problem is that we ARE both interested in the relationship. So we bumble on. Neither of us at this point would be surprised at a break up. But as Skulls said, it's very complex and hard to just wake up one day and say - let's split up...

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The interesting thing to me is how I’m attracted to other women that remind me of my wife. I can spot another woman with her hair color in a crowd at 100m. I’ll find myself attracted to a blonde (not usually my type) and not able to figure out why, only to realize later that her bottom reminds me of my wife’s. So, in a way, I guess you can say I am still attracted to my wife.
Is it weird that I think this is really sweet?(and thank you, yes, I feel much better!)

This IS pretty awesome and kinda wierd!

I am finding my own sexual attraction towards my wife to be continuously decreasing. It seems to be at the point where it's pretty much gone. Even though I kinda know why, it is still perplexing to me. Must be part of the "process" for many of us. It seems like a two edged sword. I'm guessing some may have reached this point earlier depending on how their ACE partner responds and communicates. I wonder if it will ever come back?

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I had a bad night last night... it was a top-off to an overall shitty day. Our fight was never about sex, but somehow sex crept in anyway. So here's the situation. My firm is struggling right now... a couple attorneys left and took clients, and we haven't gotten enough new cases to make up for the ones that walked out and the ones we concluded. My mid-month check comes from the business account and my beginning of the month check comes from cashing out my billable hours. I'm only getting a couple hundred bucks in my mid-month check because we're broke. It's not the end of the world and I'm not at all concerned about it... this sometimes happens in law firms when money gets tied up in client accounts, etc. But my partner freaked out about it and we ended up getting in a huge fight. I felt like she was yelling at me, and at my coworkers, and making me feel like I'm a shitty provider and a bad girlfriend and a bad employee. My boss wasn't going to get a paycheck at all because she had to pay me, and she's the firm senior partner so she only gets profits, not salary. I told her to cut my pay and take a paycheck for herself... the woman has 4 kids!! I'm not going to let her starve just so I can play, you know?

Anyway, the money fight got really big and bad and ugly and lasted most of the day. Then last night we had another, totally unrelated fight. I was telling her about someone I'm talking to who is just starting a budding romance and how awesome and cute I think it is. My partner was super mad and bitchy because she hates anything that I'm involved with on the internet. so we had to have that fight too. She says I talk all day to people online but I never talk to her, I say "that's because when I try, you don't want to hear my stories anyway", and then we had to fight about who spends more time on the computer/ phone.

I can't describe it exactly but i just felt this really big divide between us. We went to bed and she wanted to cuddle and was lying on me and touching me and I kept getting teary-eyed. I imagine she probably would have had sex just to make up for the arguments, but i hate that we only have sex to pacify me. So of course there was a third fight... the "why are you crying?" "I'm not, leave me alone" fight. I ended up just sleeping on the couch.

Its just so bizarre that the day could start out with a money fight and still somehow end up with me in tears about sex. When she didn't want to hear about the cute budding romance, I asked her if she ever got "googly" over someone, and she said no. Which OF COURSE hurt my feelings. And then I thought about all the times when we started dating that I was left hurt and confused because of the sex stuff... and her not understanding why I'd cry rather than have sex (um, because she doesn't actually want to have sex and that's not fun for me?).

Anyway, I'm just venting, not looking for advice. Everything's more or less fine today... we chatted and kissed goodbye and all the normal stuff. I'm probably going to feel some distance between us for a couple days, but she's leaving for a trip to California on Friday so I get some time to myself. By the time she comes back I'm sure everything will be back in order.

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I had a bad night last night... it was a top-off to an overall shitty day. Our fight was never about sex, but somehow sex crept in anyway. So here's the situation. My firm is struggling right now... a couple attorneys left and took clients, and we haven't gotten enough new cases to make up for the ones that walked out and the ones we concluded. My mid-month check comes from the business account and my beginning of the month check comes from cashing out my billable hours. I'm only getting a couple hundred bucks in my mid-month check because we're broke. It's not the end of the world and I'm not at all concerned about it... this sometimes happens in law firms when money gets tied up in client accounts, etc. But my partner freaked out about it and we ended up getting in a huge fight. I felt like she was yelling at me, and at my coworkers, and making me feel like I'm a shitty provider and a bad girlfriend and a bad employee. My boss wasn't going to get a paycheck at all because she had to pay me, and she's the firm senior partner so she only gets profits, not salary. I told her to cut my pay and take a paycheck for herself... the woman has 4 kids!! I'm not going to let her starve just so I can play, you know?

Anyway, the money fight got really big and bad and ugly and lasted most of the day. Then last night we had another, totally unrelated fight. I was telling her about someone I'm talking to who is just starting a budding romance and how awesome and cute I think it is. My partner was super mad and bitchy because she hates anything that I'm involved with on the internet. so we had to have that fight too. She says I talk all day to people online but I never talk to her, I say "that's because when I try, you don't want to hear my stories anyway", and then we had to fight about who spends more time on the computer/ phone.

I can't describe it exactly but i just felt this really big divide between us. We went to bed and she wanted to cuddle and was lying on me and touching me and I kept getting teary-eyed. I imagine she probably would have had sex just to make up for the arguments, but i hate that we only have sex to pacify me. So of course there was a third fight... the "why are you crying?" "I'm not, leave me alone" fight. I ended up just sleeping on the couch.

Its just so bizarre that the day could start out with a money fight and still somehow end up with me in tears about sex. When she didn't want to hear about the cute budding romance, I asked her if she ever got "googly" over someone, and she said no. Which OF COURSE hurt my feelings. And then I thought about all the times when we started dating that I was left hurt and confused because of the sex stuff... and her not understanding why I'd cry rather than have sex (um, because she doesn't actually want to have sex and that's not fun for me?).

Anyway, I'm just venting, not looking for advice. Everything's more or less fine today... we chatted and kissed goodbye and all the normal stuff. I'm probably going to feel some distance between us for a couple days, but she's leaving for a trip to California on Friday so I get some time to myself. By the time she comes back I'm sure everything will be back in order.

Or..............,

by the time she comes back you could have all your stuff in a new apartment. Just sayin' :)

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Anyhow, my question is this - Has this happened to other sexuals here? In a mixed relationship, "discovered" asexuality here, and it is ended up leading to a decrease in your desire for your partner?

I recently started a relationship with an asexual person, but I had little to no sex drive when it started. I assumed that all we would do was cuddle and talk. I did not expect anything to happen, so when I had thoughts I told myself they were bad (even before we got together). So now that we are together I have about a zero sex drive towards her. The problem is I was wrong. We do more than just cuddle and talk which is messing with me. I am shocked every time this happens and I always feel bad like it is my fault it is happening (despite her intiating everything) and that she really doesn't want to do the things we do. I do not think that reading the forums have decreased my sex drive (my own assumptions had already done that), but it has made me feel a lot more guilt over any form of affection. I worry that I will push her too far or a dozen other things that I have read on here that I didn't think about before I started.

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