Since discovering your partner is asexual...

[Neighbor]

How many sexuals feel less sexually inclined toward their partner?

I've been married to my wife for about 20 years now. Outside of sex, it's been pretty good.

Sexually, it's been rough. I'll spare you the details - I've written about it elsewhere on this forum - but they would sound familar enough to any other sexual that posts here.

Several months ago, my wife happened upon the term "asexual", followed a tortuous path through the internet, and found her way to AVEN. Lightbulb moment for her. For us. Finally something that made sense! Didn't help the sex any, but it helped define the issue, which at least let us both understand what we are dealing with.

Since then, I've mostly lurked, reading the lastest posts, nodding along with everything SkulleryMaid says, and finding out how other sexuals deal (or don't deal) with the relationships they are in.

Which brings me to this.

Over the last couple of months, my sexual attraction toward my wife has significantly changed.

And by changed, I mean it has gone down. A lot. I'm still as interested in sex as I've always been. I'm still as interested in a sexual relationship as I've always been. I'm certainly noticing the women around me as much as I ever have. Not so much with my wife, though. I am making fewer and fewer advances toward her (she will have sex, but simply has no interest in it). When she does bring up the subject of sex (for my sake, not hers) I'm turning her down more and more.

From my side of it, I think that maybe I'm reading so many posts from so many asexuals, that it's getting through my skull that I'm never going to have what I'm looking for with her, and so part of me is shutting down that connection (however tenuous) that I have with her. Whether that is an effort to shut off that source of pain, or to shut down that connection with her in the hopes that I might open such a connection with someone else, I cannot say.

From her side of it, she has noticed. While she has never felt attracted to me, my attraction to her was always one of many signs of my feelings for her. With that particular feeling dwindling, she is concerned that other feelings will follow.

Anyhow, my question is this - Has this happened to other sexuals here? In a mixed relationship, "discovered" asexuality here, and it is ended up leading to a decrease in your desire for your partner?

[Lady Girl]

This sort of started to happen to me...but it didn't last very long because of some things he said to me. He made it clear that he wants to be with me and that we could both do things to make US work. I realize that compromise is not the most popular option on AVEN, but for us it is working.

You know when someone you love is hurt how you hurt too? Maybe not in the same way they are (it's a different kind of hurt for sure), but you are both hurting...anyway, that might be kind of the way I view the asexuality factor in our relationship. We are both dealing with it (in different ways obviously), but it is an US issue, not a 'problem he has'.

I spent 25 years wondering what was wrong with HIM (often ME too). Now I know there was never anything wrong with him or me. The asexuality is an us thing...at least here in our home.

I also want to say though, that I am not in exactly the same position as you. I rarely feel sexually drawn towards other men...I enjoy being around them and tend to flirt quite a bit, but do not sexually fantasize about them. I suspect my own drive has diminished a bit due to my age...perhaps yours is spiking because of your age?

And on another note...we pretty much tried all the options (seperate bedrooms, semi-open marriage, and splitting up) before our discovery and already knew they didn't work for us. We also tried compromising, but without full knowledge of what we were dealing with, the compromises weren't really compromises. You on the other hand, have perhaps been more considerate than I was during your years of not knowing about asexuality, and therefore have not explored the other options already. Perhaps this wondering about other possibilities is having an effect on your feelings towards her as well?

[Down in Texas]

I have to say that it has for me. I have only found this site a little over three weeks ago. However, I have been married to my husband for 39 years. I have read so many books trying to find an answer to "our" problem and it was while looking on the internet for more solutions that I came across Aven. For me it was kind of like letting the wind out of my sails. It took away all the hope of ever finding an answer that would give us both what I thought was missing. I know now as I should have known long ago but just did not want to accept, that things are not going to change. However, there was always the hope that it would. I am 59 years old and I feel toooo young to go without sex for the rest of my life. However, it seems that is what I will have to do. Since my husband now has ED and there are no meds that can help. As we, all know the brain it, the largest sex organ in the body, and if it does not think sexual thoughts, there is nothing to trigger the arousal. It is getting harder and harder to find ways to arouse him and now that I have found Aven it is almost like why even try. Does it hurt? HELL YES but I will not leave because of it so I must learn to live with it the way it is and rely more and more on alternative ways of pleasuring myself. In the past, I have relied on Romance novels that I place myself in the part of the woman receiving the sexual advances and as they would excite me, I would use that as a trigger to be able to take care of myself. Therefore, it looks as if I will be doing a lot more reading.

[Sally]

I realize that compromise is not the most popular option on AVEN, but for us it is working.

I'd just like to say that as one of AVEN's asexuals, I think compromise is great if couples can achieve it. If it's possible and both partners are OK with it, it offers a way for people who love each other to stay together. I'm pretty sure that most AVEN members feel the same way. So -- yay for successful compromise!

[Guest]

Yes, definitely. My interest in sex has diminished across the board though. I don't feel particularly confident anymore which doesn't help.

The one thing I'll say about AVEN is that it gets into your head. When I'm lying in bed with my partner and I get even the slightest hint of wanting sex, various posts from AVEN will start running through my head. I'm flooded by descriptions of how horrible, scary, anxious, sad, upsetting it is for asexuals when their partners get all sexy on them. It makes me second guess myself. It makes me immediately shut down any feelings I had. Sometimes it inspires guilt, sometimes resentment.

I think the most important thing we can do is be as open as possible with our partners and get them to be as open as possible with us. It doesn't matter what anyone else in the world feels, says, or advises... if your partner says something is ok, its ok, if she says it isn't, it isn't.

My partner was also upset by my lessening attraction, but we talked a lot about it and she eventually came to realize that it doesn't change my feelings or commitment to her. But of course that's true for me... she really doesn't have anything to worry about. If your wife does have something to worry about, that's a different story.

[Lady Girl]

I realize that compromise is not the most popular option on AVEN, but for us it is working.

I'd just like to say that as one of AVEN's asexuals, I think compromise is great if couples can achieve it. If it's possible and both partners are OK with it, it offers a way for people who love each other to stay together. I'm pretty sure that most AVEN members feel the same way. So -- yay for successful compromise!

Thanks so much Sally! That really means a lot, because in my book you are a very important AVEN asexual. You have made some really important observations about people in relationships, and have been kind enough to share your insight with the rest of us.

I think when I posted that, I was thinking about some of the things Skulls said above, and even more so some of the comments other sexuals have made about not wanting to have sex with an asexual for various reasons, in particular not wanting pity sex. I don't want to think of it that way and he tells me I shouldn't.

I also want to say that in the past few months I have actually been having some difficulty with what seem to be surges and lulls in my sex drive, and maybe it was always that way, but it seems to be more pronounced now (he has noticed too, I get pushy and manipulative). I think I am heading into that dreaded change and that could explain some of it. But I feel something that Skullery does too...an attempt to squash my urges I guess. I feel unsure of myself at times, and do stop myself from doing things I did before I knew about asexuality. <_<

Now, because this has been happening to me, and he also thinks it is hormone related (he said it seems like it was something almost out of my control...I had a really bad week awhille back) he said we could increase our frequency. So it seems to me, pretty much just now while I'm writing this, that since he is willing to make this extra effort for me, I should perhaps make the extra effort to be ok with the squashing now and again.

[Percivel]

I have lost some sexual drive for my wife. I think part of this is due to identifying our problem and knowing that she will never desire me sexually. The other part is my own attempt at lowering my libido so I don't "get turned" on as much. This, so far, seems to be working across the board...for all women. I don't know if my early success will continue for the long term. I'm expecting that I will have some times of high libido periodically.

I'm also fairing pretty well (for now) dealing with the fact that I will never have those strong intimate physical/emotional sexual times with my wife. Excepting that sex will always be "dry" and seemingly unemotional is the hardest part. I suspect our lowering libido is a "self-defense" mechanism, whether intentional or not.

[Guest]

I suspect our lowering libido is a "self-defense" mechanism, whether intentional or not.

We need to have the space to cope with our partners' asexuality the way that helps us, and it seems that a lowering of one's libido is helpful. Besides, the other way is a bit torturous... "no, I won't have sex with you, but I require that you still keep trying". I know that's not how it's meant, but it's how it feels. If we're expected to understand that our partners love us despite not desiring us, they have to be ok with it the other way around too.

[Percivel]

I must say that I feel privileged to be able to engage with the counsel of the "heavy hitters" in these pages!

(no, I'm not calling anyone fat)

[Tracey]

I have to say that upon my recent discovery of this site, my attraction towards my husband has decreased significantly, although my urges have remained the same.

I hadn't thought of this until reading these posts, but I too find that when I'm lying with my husband and sex enters my head, I will have flashes of negative posts that I have read, and also negative comments that he has made, and this will shut me down. I find that i have quite a tall defensive wall Ive been constructing, and my self confidence has been shaken, OK maybe not shaken, but obliterated...and I also feel whats the point of making the advances anyway. He definitely is not one to notice if my attraction has lessened, my confidence is shaken, or is thrilled that my advances have diminished. So Ill have to figure a way to boost my own confidence in a healthy way, and i don't even know what next...wish I could find a good counselor that was familiar with this topic, I could use one. Probably not a good a candidate to give positive advice at this point, just wanted to say I feel that too...

[Percivel]

My confidence has suffered greatly over the years, too. It's a feeling we all have in common. I've never been told by my wife "You're handsome", "You're sexy" nor just about any other compliment. I thought it was just that she wasn't one to be complimentary. I'm now thinking that it might be an asexuality trait. I'm such a happy positive person but the lack of complimentary comments and interest really is devastating...particularly over years and years.

We all need someone...some person... who is absolutely crazy about us.

[goodyears]

My confidence has suffered greatly over the years, too. It's a feeling we all have in common. I've never been told by my wife "You're handsome", "You're sexy" nor just about any other compliment. I thought it was just that she wasn't one to be complimentary. I'm now thinking that it might be an asexuality trait. I'm such a happy positive person but the lack of complimentary comments and interest really is devastating...particularly over years and years.

We all need someone...some person... who is absolutely crazy about us.

I hear ya, Percivel. But the grass isn't always greener with compliments either. My ace is always the first one to say, WOW, you look great or is that a new outfit, or your hair really looks cool that way or I love those shoes. (he never mentions the word sexy, though) BUT, for me that's like pouring salt in a wound. When a sexual woman (me) feels confident, feels good, told she looks good...at the end of the day she wants to reciprocate those compliments by making love to her man...Hello Aven!

[Lady Girl]

As usual, it's just like with sex...the feeling that the compliments mean something is missing even if we do get them. In my usual way though, I can't keep thinking all this is just me being victimized by my asexual husband, or that me squashing some urges I have is building a defensive wall.

Me not being as "sexy" or showing interest (purposely inhibiting my sex drive) is my half of the compromise...my restraint to his putting out, so to say. It probably feels loving to him when he knows I would have pushed for something but didn't. I know I feel loved when he makes the effort to be physical.

I don't know Percivel and others...do you think it would help if we asked them more specifically what things we do (or don't do) that make them feel loved? If we were to find out that they appreciate this effort on our part would it make us feel more confident of ourselves and what we offer the one we say we love? What I'm trying to get at here is that if we feel let down that sex is not the ultimate display of love for THEM, shouldn't we want to know what is the ultimate display that feels super loving to them...they already know we want sex, do we know what they want most?

[goodyears]

As usual, it's just like with sex...the feeling that the compliments mean something is missing even if we do get them. In my usual way though, I can't keep thinking all this is just me being victimized by my asexual husband, or that me squashing some urges I have is building a defensive wall.

Me not being as "sexy" or showing interest (purposely inhibiting my sex drive) is my half of the compromise...my restraint to his putting out, so to say. It probably feels loving to him when he knows I would have pushed for something but didn't. I know I feel loved when he makes the effort to be physical.

I don't know Percivel and others...do you think it would help if we asked them more specifically what things we do (or don't do) that make them feel loved? If we were to find out that they appreciate this effort on our part would it make us feel more confident of ourselves and what we offer the one we say we love? What I'm trying to get at here is that if we feel let down that sex is not the ultimate display of love for THEM, shouldn't we want to know what is the ultimate display that feels super loving to them...they already know we want sex, do we know what they want most?

Lady Girl...You really do help us think "outside the box"...but, having said that, it feels complicated having been wrapped up in my own unhappy world for so long. I have nowhere else to go, so for now I'll hang out and just reap the benefits of being able to learn from the many and varied points of view. Just wanted to say, thanks for being there!

[Lady Girl]

Thanks goodyears! :) I may be an eternal optimist or something like that...my husband says I'm a glass half empty person, but I'd like to think I'm both. In the end I want to be able to say I really tried to become a better person for my experiences...I think I try to offer up the positive perspective as often as possible to accommodate that aim.

I certainly do hear you...years of feeling isolated and cut off from what everyone else seemed to be experiencing and NOBODY to talk to makes you feel crazy. Thanks for being here too! All the insights here are part of the whole picture and very important, even the bad feelings on both sides. When the solutions are working, it's great. When they're not, well...it's not so great. <_<

[Sally]

We all need someone...some person... who is absolutely crazy about us.

Not everyone needs that. And I mean that for sexual as well as asexual people. We're all different in many ways.

Re compliments, it sounds like several people are saying that compliments actually feel bad when they don't mean that your partner is sexually attracted to you. I can see how that can be true. But those compliments may mean that your partner really loves you and wants you to feel good. Can you accept that and not be disappointed or angry that the compliment doesn't lead to sex? That's actually part of a compromise: accepting good things as they are, not as you want them to be.

[Bensin]

Has definitely happened to me and very severely. Went from intense desire, with accompanying disappointment every time of course, to complete lack of interest in sex with my wife. And I dont think it was AVEN as such that brought about the change, it was my own acceptance of the situation, a true understanding of what it means to be asexual. It was the loss of the hope I had, that she would become interested in sex with me through some miracle, that in the future things would be different. Reading about the feelings and stories of others on AVEN made me realize how silly that hope is, I truly understood the situation. Loosing that hope made it impossible to want sex with her. When my desire disappeared so did my anger and bitterness over being rejected by her. We have not found a working compromise I must admit, as I cannot accept a life without sex and I have no desire to have sex with her right now, and an open relationship is just as unacceptable to both of us. If anyone finds the magic trick to making a mixed relationship work, please post ;)

[goodyears]

Has definitely happened to me and very severely. Went from intense desire, with accompanying disappointment every time of course, to complete lack of interest in sex with my wife. And I dont think it was AVEN as such that brought about the change, it was my own acceptance of the situation, a true understanding of what it means to be asexual. It was the loss of the hope I had, that she would become interested in sex with me through some miracle, that in the future things would be different. Reading about the feelings and stories of others on AVEN made me realize how silly that hope is, I truly understood the situation. Loosing that hope made it impossible to want sex with her. When my desire disappeared so did my anger and bitterness over being rejected by her. We have not found a working compromise I must admit, as I cannot accept a life without sex and I have no desire to have sex with her right now, and an open relationship is just as unacceptable to both of us. If anyone finds the magic trick to making a mixed relationship work, please post ;)

Hi Bensin,

I feel your pain, but no answers here. Sorry! I'm still looking for the "magic trick" to starting a dialog with my asexual husband who lives in denial. :(

[Guest]

We all need someone...some person... who is absolutely crazy about us.

Not everyone needs that. And I mean that for sexual as well as asexual people. We're all different in many ways.

Re compliments, it sounds like several people are saying that compliments actually feel bad when they don't mean that your partner is sexually attracted to you. I can see how that can be true. But those compliments may mean that your partner really loves you and wants you to feel good. Can you accept that and not be disappointed or angry that the compliment doesn't lead to sex? That's actually part of a compromise: accepting good things as they are, not as you want them to be.

I'm actually quite happy with my compliment level in my relationship. I get compliments a lot, but not "sexy" ones... so it seems she reflects how she feels about me verbally and I'm happy with that. She thinks I'm pretty and hot and is proud to show me off... she may not think "damn yer sexy", but I already knew that :P

Still, as senseless as it is, my confidence is still smashed. I was thinking about it last night... if I were to try to have an open relationship, I think it'd take some time for me to work my self-esteem back up. At this point, I hate to admit it, but I feel OK being with an asexual because I'm not so sure I have much else to offer anyone else anyway. My brain knows that's not true, but its still how it feels sometimes. The fact that I'm married in a relatively small community also means that I don't get hit on by other girls... guys, yes, but that doesn't mean anything to me. So I'm not really getting affirmed on a sexual level by anyone, and that's made me feel like a much less sexual being. Its not a bad thing necessarily.

Has definitely happened to me and very severely. Went from intense desire, with accompanying disappointment every time of course, to complete lack of interest in sex with my wife. And I dont think it was AVEN as such that brought about the change, it was my own acceptance of the situation, a true understanding of what it means to be asexual. It was the loss of the hope I had, that she would become interested in sex with me through some miracle, that in the future things would be different. Reading about the feelings and stories of others on AVEN made me realize how silly that hope is, I truly understood the situation. Loosing that hope made it impossible to want sex with her. When my desire disappeared so did my anger and bitterness over being rejected by her. We have not found a working compromise I must admit, as I cannot accept a life without sex and I have no desire to have sex with her right now, and an open relationship is just as unacceptable to both of us. If anyone finds the magic trick to making a mixed relationship work, please post ;)

How long has it been that you've been stuck in between the "i want sex" and "i don't want sex with you"? That's gotta be a tough mental spot to be in... you feeling guilty? I think I'd feel guilty. Is she willing to compromise but its just that your desire has now disappeared since understanding that she doesn't actually want it?

[Lady Girl]

We all need someone...some person... who is absolutely crazy about us.

Not everyone needs that. And I mean that for sexual as well as asexual people. We're all different in many ways.

Re compliments, it sounds like several people are saying that compliments actually feel bad when they don't mean that your partner is sexually attracted to you. I can see how that can be true. But those compliments may mean that your partner really loves you and wants you to feel good. Can you accept that and not be disappointed or angry that the compliment doesn't lead to sex? That's actually part of a compromise: accepting good things as they are, not as you want them to be.

I absolutely LOVE this. It is the way I want to think about it...all of it. Thank you Sally for saying what I've been wanting to. I want to stop whining about it...I did that for 25 years. Finding AVEN made us both feel like we could make it work and that's what AVEN means to me. I can learn about how asexuals feel in a relationship and finding out that the pressure is a real drag for them shouldn't make me feel thwarted in my efforts to make this work or that I should feel some new AVEN induced torment. I initially realized I could relax MORE on a daily basis (not have to worry about how to dress, or act around him in order to be more sexually appealing to him...a new relaxed me). This is something I forgot about, but this discussion helped me remember, and it sounds wonderful.

Bensin, I honestly don't know what the magic trick is to making a compromise work. All I know is that ours is working. I'm not ecstatic all the time and neither is he, but we're doing a lot better than we were for 25 years prior to finding AVEN. My intent is to better understand the dynamics of our relationship based on the recognition of what those dynamics are (asexuality is a factor) and work with that information to become a more loving me.

[Guest]

We all need someone...some person... who is absolutely crazy about us.

Not everyone needs that. And I mean that for sexual as well as asexual people. We're all different in many ways.

Re compliments, it sounds like several people are saying that compliments actually feel bad when they don't mean that your partner is sexually attracted to you. I can see how that can be true. But those compliments may mean that your partner really loves you and wants you to feel good. Can you accept that and not be disappointed or angry that the compliment doesn't lead to sex? That's actually part of a compromise: accepting good things as they are, not as you want them to be.

I absolutely LOVE this. It is the way I want to think about it...all of it. Thank you Sally for saying what I've been wanting to. I want to stop whining about it...I did that for 25 years. Finding AVEN made us both feel like we could make it work and that's what AVEN means to me. I can learn about how asexuals feel in a relationship and finding out that the pressure is a real drag for them shouldn't make me feel thwarted in my efforts to make this work or that I should feel some new AVEN induced torment. I initially realized I could relax MORE on a daily basis (not have to worry about how to dress, or act around him in order to be more sexually appealing to him...a new relaxed me). This is something I forgot about, but this discussion helped me remember, and it sounds wonderful.

Bensin, I honestly don't know what the magic trick is to making a compromise work. All I know is that ours is working. I'm not ecstatic all the time and neither is he, but we're doing a lot better than we were for 25 years prior to finding AVEN. My intent is to better understand the dynamics of our relationship based on the recognition of what those dynamics are (asexuality is a factor) and work with that information to become a new more loving me.

(sorry for all the quick posts... I'm about to jump off the internets for the night)

But yes, I feel the same as Lady Girl. Once I understood that she loves me but really just doesn't connect with sex, it made things much better. I'm not gonna lie and say i wasn't bummed when our sex frequency continued to decline, but at least I didn't blame myself OR her for it. Seeing things as they are is a great gift. Is sex important? Sure. But most of the importance comes from all the baggage we put on it. Once we strip it down, we're talking very specifically about fleeting physical urges, and that's not impossible to manage.

[Lady Girl]

Totally agree! I like hearing the things we can remember when we're feeling sorry for ourselves. :)

[Percivel]

We all need someone...some person... who is absolutely crazy about us.

Not everyone needs that. And I mean that for sexual as well as asexual people. We're all different in many ways.

Re compliments, it sounds like several people are saying that compliments actually feel bad when they don't mean that your partner is sexually attracted to you. I can see how that can be true. But those compliments may mean that your partner really loves you and wants you to feel good. Can you accept that and not be disappointed or angry that the compliment doesn't lead to sex? That's actually part of a compromise: accepting good things as they are, not as you want them to be.

I absolutely LOVE this. It is the way I want to think about it...all of it. Thank you Sally for saying what I've been wanting to. I want to stop whining about it...I did that for 25 years. Finding AVEN made us both feel like we could make it work and that's what AVEN means to me. I can learn about how asexuals feel in a relationship and finding out that the pressure is a real drag for them shouldn't make me feel thwarted in my efforts to make this work or that I should feel some new AVEN induced torment. I initially realized I could relax MORE on a daily basis (not have to worry about how to dress, or act around him in order to be more sexually appealing to him...a new relaxed me). This is something I forgot about, but this discussion helped me remember, and it sounds wonderful.

Bensin, I honestly don't know what the magic trick is to making a compromise work. All I know is that ours is working. I'm not ecstatic all the time and neither is he, but we're doing a lot better than we were for 25 years prior to finding AVEN. My intent is to better understand the dynamics of our relationship based on the recognition of what those dynamics are (asexuality is a factor) and work with that information to become a new more loving me.

(sorry for all the quick posts... I'm about to jump off the internets for the night)

But yes, I feel the same as Lady Girl. Once I understood that she loves me but really just doesn't connect with sex, it made things much better. I'm not gonna lie and say i wasn't bummed when our sex frequency continued to decline, but at least I didn't blame myself OR her for it. Seeing things as they are is a great gift. Is sex important? Sure. But most of the importance comes from all the baggage we put on it. Once we strip it down, we're talking very specifically about fleeting physical urges, and that's not impossible to manage.

I kinda disagree with you here Skullery. I think, at least for me, that sex is much more than "fleeting physical urges." It's the emotional connection and act of becoming "one" that I miss most. Yes, the urges can be controlled. But the natural internal desire for the physical expression and connection is much harder.

[goodyears]

Lady Girl, Sally & SkulleryMaid~

Although we understand your words are offered as support...please remember we're new and hurting. Our emotions are all over the place. Some of our partners won't acknowledge a problem exists, so a compromise isn't even in sight yet. We're all trying to learn how to navigate through...ultimately finding with our partners a relationship of love, understanding and compromise just like the three of you. If it sounds like we're whining, well, you're probably right. You have a tremendous amount to share and we're fortunate to have folks that have gone before us to share experiences and sometimes as a shoulder to cry on :)

[Sally]

Lady Girl, Sally & SkulleryMaid~

Although we understand your words are offered as support...please remember we're new and hurting. Our emotions are all over the place. Some of our partners won't acknowledge a problem exists, so a compromise isn't even in sight yet. We're all trying to learn how to navigate through...ultimately finding with our partners a relationship of love, understanding and compromise just like the three of you. If it sounds like we're whining, well, you're probably right. You have a tremendous amount to share and we're fortunate to have folks that have gone before us to share experiences and sometimes as a shoulder to cry on :)

After I discovered I had been asexual all my life, 30+ years into a serious relationship, I was not able to achieve a compromise with my partner, Goodyears. I tried for a year, but he was terribly hurt and angry. It doesn't always work, and for a number of asexuals on AVEN, that's been the case. During those times of attempting to find it, our emotions were all over the place also. I still feel emotional about it, and very sad.

Just wanted to say that the emotion isn't all on one side.

[Tracey]

Lady Girl, Sally & SkulleryMaid~

Although we understand your words are offered as support...please remember we're new and hurting. Our emotions are all over the place. Some of our partners won't acknowledge a problem exists, so a compromise isn't even in sight yet. We're all trying to learn how to navigate through...ultimately finding with our partners a relationship of love, understanding and compromise just like the three of you. If it sounds like we're whining, well, you're probably right. You have a tremendous amount to share and we're fortunate to have folks that have gone before us to share experiences and sometimes as a shoulder to cry on :)

[Guest]

Lady Girl, Sally & SkulleryMaid~

Although we understand your words are offered as support...please remember we're new and hurting. Our emotions are all over the place. Some of our partners won't acknowledge a problem exists, so a compromise isn't even in sight yet. We're all trying to learn how to navigate through...ultimately finding with our partners a relationship of love, understanding and compromise just like the three of you. If it sounds like we're whining, well, you're probably right. You have a tremendous amount to share and we're fortunate to have folks that have gone before us to share experiences and sometimes as a shoulder to cry on :)

I'm obviously being chastised, I just don't know why. Have a good Sunday, peeps. Peace.

[Tracey]

very nicely said goodyear, ditto!

[Guest]

I'm here because I need support, which is the same reason Lady Girl is here, and I don't appreciate being told to hush up. For me, I really have no choice but to stop seeing sex as an expression of love. For one, because it no longer is... she doesn't receive it that way, and if I even show a hint of emotion during sex she freaks out and freezes up. Sex HAS to be a fun, lighthearted activity for us or else I don't get any at all. So that's my personal experience, and no one can tell me I'm wrong about it. Your experiences are bound to vary, you not being me and all.

[Sally]

I'm here because I need support, which is the same reason Lady Girl is here, and I don't appreciate being told to hush up. For me, I really have no choice but to stop seeing sex as an expression of love. For one, because it no longer is... she doesn't receive it that way, and if I even show a hint of emotion during sex she freaks out and freezes up. Sex HAS to be a fun, lighthearted activity for us or else I don't get any at all. So that's my personal experience, and no one can tell me I'm wrong about it. Your experiences are bound to vary, you not being me and all.

No one's telling you or anyone else to hush up. At least no one on AVEN; we can't answer for your partner or anyone else's partner.

What I was saying was that asexuals need support also; we are not devoid of emotion.